CHAPTER 47
On the other side of the city, Noeul was drinking at the bar where Duri worked.
Even though Noeul hadn’t opened up about what had happened, Duri had picked up on his gloomy mood. He knew the cause.
Him. Always him.
Why did Noeul have to choose Chung-Hee?
No matter how hard Duri tried, Noeul’s heart was never his. And he had tried, God knew how much. Not only to win his heart; he had tried to become the man Noeul deserved. He had worked hard to bridge the four-year age gap between them, to prove that he wasn’t only the child Noeul remembered.
Duri took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. Whatever he wanted didn’t matter tonight. Noeul was clearly hurting. He would be there for him as a friend, if that was all Noeul could give him.
But he also had to protect himself from further pain.
“Noeul hyung, what’s wrong? Why are you so down?” he asked when he finally found a moment between orders.
Noeul didn’t answer.
Duri wanted to sit beside him, to spend the evening with him and somehow pull him out of whatever darkness had swallowed him, but the bar was unusually busy.
“Hyung, please. You’re scaring me. Say something. What happened?”
Noeul remained silent, his mind looping through the events again and again.
Duri stepped closer to the counter and reached out to touch his arm, hoping to draw his attention. “I can help you.”
But the words barely seemed to reach him.
Noeul’s usual two beers became four, then five. His speech began to slur, his movements growing increasingly unsteady. Duri watched him with mounting concern.
“Hyung, please. Let me help you.”
“No one can help me,” Noeul replied for the first time. Then, after a moment, he looked down at the bottle between his hands. “No one except me,” he muttered, more to himself than to Duri.
When Duri finished with his orders, Noeul was slumped over his stool, a half-finished beer forgotten in front of him. Duri leaned toward him with worry etched across his face.
“Hyung, are you okay?”
Noeul blinked slowly. Then a foolish smile spread across his lips.
“I’ve never been better! I made my decision, Duri. Isn’t that something worth celebrating?”
Even drunk, he meant it. His deeply wounded heart refused to break again. He couldn’t take it anymore. Whatever happened next, he couldn’t continue living like this.
Duri studied him, unconvinced. “Listen, hyung, you’ve had too much to drink. Maybe it’s time to call it a night.”
Noeul straightened, only to sway slightly on the stool.
“No way! Today is a happy day!”
His words clashed painfully with the sadness in his eyes.
Duri rested a hand on his shoulder, his voice steady. “No arguments. Let me take you home.”
Noeul tried to pull away. “I don’t want to go home.”
“It’s already two, hyung. The bar’s closing,” Duri lied. He wasn’t going to let Noeul wander around Seoul in this state.
With a resigned sigh, Noeul finally allowed Duri to help him up. He leaned heavily against him as they stepped outside, the cold night air biting at their skin. For a few seconds, Noeul simply stood there, breathing in the winter air.
Then his expression suddenly brightened.
“I know where I want to go!”
Duri looked at him suspiciously.
Noeul turned toward him, his excitement almost mischievous now. “Duri, why have you never invited me to your apartment?”
“Because you were in America when I moved,” Duri replied hesitantly.
Something in Noeul’s expression made Duri’s pulse quicken. He was drunk, very drunk, and Duri was suddenly aware of what being alone with him might mean.
“But now I’m here,” Noeul said, his voice dropping into something almost seductive.
“And you couldn’t drive, so I had to come visit you instead,” Duri added, trying to keep the conversation light.
“But now I can.”
Noeul brought his face closer to his. Duri’s heart pounded.
For one dangerous second, Duri forgot how much Noeul had drunk.
Then he remembered.
He steadied him by the arms and put a little distance between them.
Noeul noticed immediately. The playfulness disappeared from his face, a wave of anxiety poisoning the moment as his mind turned against itself.
“You don’t want me at your place?”
Duri frowned.
Noeul lowered his gaze. “Do you think I’m dirty too?”
The words erased every trace of desire from Duri’s thoughts.
“Hyung.” Duri tightened his hold and turned Noeul to face him fully. “How can you say something like that?”
Noeul said nothing.
“Come on,” Duri said more gently. “I’ll take you to my place.”
The walk to Duri’s car was difficult. Noeul stumbled every few steps, mumbling nonsense, while Duri kept an arm around him to stop him from falling. By the time they reached the apartment building, Noeul had become unusually quiet.
Duri fumbled with his keys before finally unlocking the door.
Noeul looked around as he stepped inside, taking in the neatly arranged vinyl records, the soft glow of a single floor lamp, and the collection of synthesizers, drum kits, and guitars.
He didn’t miss the expensive gaming setup across from the couch either.
He smiled, slightly surprised. Somehow, he hadn’t imagined Duri’s place would be so luxurious, and yet so… welcoming.
“It’s nice. Truly,” he said softly.
Their eyes met. Duri held his gaze for a moment, long enough for Noeul to become aware of how close they were standing. Noeul dropped his eyes, warmth creeping up his neck.
“I’m glad you approve.” Duri’s voice was gentle, almost teasing, as he carefully guided him toward the couch and helped him sit. “Stay here for a bit. I’ll get you some water, painkillers, and something to eat. Did you have anything today?”
Noeul sank into the cushions, his eyes half-closed. “I was anxious. I met Kija today. I wanted to ask him for advice about Ji-Woo’s portfolio.”
Duri paused for the briefest moment at Kija’s name but said nothing.
“Skipping meals has become a habit,” he said instead. “You need to take better care of yourself, hyung.”
He watched him for a moment. The sadness was still there. Duri could see it even through the alcohol, clinging to Noeul in a way that made his chest ache. Something had happened during that meeting with the artist. Something more than Noeul was willing to tell him.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really. Not tonight.”
Noeul slipped off his jacket and dropped it beside him, leaving only the shirt underneath. Duri’s gaze lingered a moment longer than it should have.
Then he looked away.
Duri returned with a glass of water and two painkillers, placing a soft pretzel on the table in front of him. He sat beside him, so close their knees brushed. The contact was brief, accidental, but it lingered in Noeul’s mind, charging the air between them.
Duri tilted his head slightly, studying him. It felt strange seeing Noeul here, in his own space, surrounded by things that belonged entirely to him.
“So…” Duri asked quietly. “What do you think? I mean… the place.”
“It’s wonderful. Really.” Noeul set the glass down and turned toward him. This time, their knees pressed fully together. “It feels like… you,” he murmured, so softly it was almost inaudible.
Duri leaned a little closer, his hand resting near Noeul’s on the couch. “I’m not sure if that’s a compliment.”
“It is.”
Noeul looked at him again, a knot forming in his stomach. He held his breath, waiting, wondering if Duri felt it too. His hand slid slightly closer to his.
Duri’s fingers brushed his, tentative, testing.
Neither pulled away.
Instead, Duri’s gaze drifted from Noeul’s eyes to his lips, lingering there with an intensity that sent Noeul’s heart racing. For a suspended moment, neither of them moved.
Then Duri slowly lifted his hand to Noeul’s face, his thumb stroking his cheek. Noeul’s breath caught. He closed his eyes for a second and leaned instinctively into the touch.
“You’re playing with fire, hyung,” Duri said, his voice low and rough.
Noeul reached up and touched the hand still caressing his face. A mischievous smile curved his lips.
“Really?”
For Duri, it was everything he had wanted. Noeul wasn’t pulling away. He wasn’t looking at him like Ji-Woo’s younger friend, or someone he needed to protect. There was desire in his eyes. Duri could see it. And that terrified him almost as much as it thrilled him.
He’s drunk.
The thought cut through everything else.
“Fuck, hyung,” Duri muttered. He lowered his hand, but Noeul caught it before he could pull away completely. “Do you have any idea how badly I want you? But you’re drunk,” Duri continued, pain threading through his voice. “I’m not going to touch you like this.”
Noeul lowered his gaze, his fingers still wrapped around Duri’s.
“Can’t you see how I feel about you?” Duri whispered. “You’re afraid to let me into your soul, yet you won’t let me go.”
Noeul’s smile slowly disappeared.
Duri swallowed. “You follow him… and then you keep coming back to me. I don’t know how to stand here and want you when he’s still the one who has you.”
At the mention of Chung-Hee, whatever warmth had settled over Noeul fractured.
“He doesn’t have me.”
Duri stared at him.
Noeul’s fingers tightened around his hand. “He hurts me, and I still keep going back. Part of me keeps waiting for him to become the person I thought he was. I don’t even know why anymore.”
Duri’s jaw tightened. “And what happens when he hurts you again?”
Noeul said nothing.
“When he humiliates you again? When he decides you’ve done something else that deserves punishment?”
“Duri…”
“No.” Duri shook his head. “I don’t understand it, hyung. I’m trying, but I don’t.”
His anger wasn’t really directed at Noeul.
“If I hurt you too, would you keep coming back to me?”
Noeul stared at him. Whatever desire had been in his expression vanished, replaced by something Duri recognized too late.
Fear.
Duri released him at once. “No.” His voice softened immediately. “Forget I said that.”
Noeul remained still.
Duri cursed himself silently. Of all the things he could have said, why that?
“I would never hurt you.”
Noeul searched his face.