SESSION 20
“After Gong’s diagnosis, everything fell into place,” Noeul said.
Dr. Kim looked at him over the rim of her glasses. “Everything?”
“The hyperactive days. The days when he wouldn’t get out of bed. The mood swings. The hallucinations.” Noeul rubbed his thumb against his palm. “Suddenly, all of it had an explanation.”
“Did having an explanation make it easier?”
Noeul thought about it. “Yes.” Then, after a moment, “And no.”
Dr. Kim waited.
“It made him easier to understand,” Noeul said. “But it also meant some things weren’t going away just because I tried harder.”
“What things?”
Noeul looked down at his hands. “You asked me before how he treated me.”
“I did.”
“It depended.” He shifted in the chair. “There were days when he saw me as the enemy. Other days, he clung to me like I was his lifeline.”
“And which was harder?”
Noeul gave a faint, humorless laugh. “You’d think the first.”
“But?”
“The second could be worse.”
Dr. Kim didn’t interrupt.
“There was one Saturday.” Noeul leaned back slightly. “I’d made plans to go out with the guys. Nothing special. We were just going to the park. Maybe get something to eat later. Normal weekend stuff.”
“And Gong?”
“He’d been acting strange all morning.”
“How?”
“He kept following me around while I got ready. Watching everything I did.” Noeul paused. “He’d been attached to me for a while by then. Always asking where I was going, what I was doing, when I’d be back. So at first I didn’t think much of it.”
“But that day was different.”
Noeul nodded. “There was something about the way he looked at me.” He stared somewhere beyond Dr. Kim. “When I grabbed my jacket, he finally said, ‘Noeul… do you have to go out today?’”
“What did he look like?”
“Scared,” Noeul answered immediately. “Really scared. He was fiddling with the hem of his shirt, and his eyes were…” He searched for the word. “Pleading.”
“What did you say?”
“I told him I was meeting the guys. That I’d only be gone for a few hours.” Noeul could still hear Gong’s answer. “Then he said, ‘Can’t you stay here? We can do something together. Play the new video game or read manhwa. Please, Noeul. Stay home today.’”
Dr. Kim watched him carefully. “You remember his exact words.”
“Most of them.”
“Why do you think that is?”
Noeul’s jaw tightened. “Because I should have listened.”
Dr. Kim didn’t respond to that.
Noeul continued before she could. “I told him we’d do something together when I got back. I said I hadn’t seen the guys in days and wanted to see them.” He swallowed. “But it was like he couldn’t hear me anymore. He just kept shaking his head.”
“What happened next?”
“He said something bad would happen if I left.” Noeul’s hands had gone still. “He said he’d seen it.”
“Seen what?”
“That I wouldn’t come back.” His voice became quieter. “He said, ‘They’ll take you.’”
“Did he tell you who ‘they’ were?”
“No.”
“What did you think?”
“That he was hallucinating. Or paranoid. I don’t know.” Noeul shook his head. “I kept telling him there was no one there.”
“And did that help?”
“No.” Noeul looked at his wrist as though he could still feel Gong’s fingers there. “He grabbed my hand. Hard.”
“How hard?”
“Enough to hurt.”
“And what did you do?”
“I tried to calm him down.”
“What did you say?”
“I told him he was scaring me.”
Dr. Kim’s expression changed slightly. Noeul noticed. “What?”
“You told him you were afraid.”
“Yes.”
“And how did he respond?”
Noeul looked away. “He didn’t let go.”
The room became quiet.
“He kept saying they were waiting for me. That he couldn’t let me leave.” Noeul rubbed his wrist now. “His eyes were fixed on something behind me. Or maybe he thought there was something there. I don’t know.”
“Were you frightened?”
“Yes.” The answer came quickly. Then Noeul corrected himself. “Terrified.”
Dr. Kim nodded.
“I told him, ‘Gong, let go. I’m just going for a walk with our friends. I’ll come back. I promise.’”
“But he didn’t.”
“No.” Noeul drew in a slow breath. “Then his expression changed.”
“In what way?”
“He stopped looking scared.” Noeul’s eyes remained fixed on the floor. “Or maybe the fear was still there. It just became something else too.”
“What?”
“Threatening.”
Dr. Kim allowed the word to sit between them.
“He said, ‘If you leave, I’ll have to stop you.’” Noeul gave a quiet laugh without humor. “I remember actually asking him what he meant. Like there was going to be some reasonable answer.”
“What did he say?”
“‘I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you here. I won’t let anyone take you away from me.’”
Dr. Kim’s pen remained motionless on the page. “What did you understand from that?”
“At the time?”
“Yes.”
Noeul thought about it. “That he might hurt me.” The admission came reluctantly.
“Did that surprise you?”
Noeul didn’t answer. Dr. Kim waited.
“Not completely.”
“Why?”
Noeul’s fingers curled against his thigh. “He’d frightened me before.”
“How?”
Noeul looked at her. Then away. “Different ways.”
Dr. Kim didn’t push.
Noeul continued. “I told him he didn’t need to do this. That I was safe, that he was safe, that no one was going to take me.” He shook his head. “I was still trying to reason with him.”
“You were trying to de-escalate him.”
“I suppose.”
“What happened?”
“He said, ‘I can’t, Noeul. If you leave, you’ll be lost. I know it. And I can’t allow that.’” Noeul paused. “I realized logic wasn’t going to reach him.”
“So you left.”
“I tried.” His voice tightened. “I tore my hand free and ran for the door. He came after me. His fingers caught my jacket, but I got outside first.” He looked down again. “I slammed the door and locked it.”
“Leaving Gong inside?”
“Yes.”
“What happened after that?”
“He started hitting the door.” Noeul’s shoulders tensed. “Hard. Over and over. Screaming my name. Telling me to come back.” He stopped speaking.
Dr. Kim waited.
“I ran.”
“How far?”
“I don’t know. Far enough that I couldn’t hear him anymore.”
“And when you stopped?”
“I leaned against a tree because I couldn’t breathe properly.” He gave a small shrug. “My heart was pounding. My hands were shaking.”
“What were you thinking?”
“That I’d never seen him that bad before.” Noeul hesitated.
“And?”
“That I didn’t want to go home.”
Dr. Kim noticed. “Why is that difficult to say?”
“He was sick.”
“That wasn’t my question.”
Noeul’s mouth tightened. “He was my brother.”
“And you didn’t want to go home to him.”
“No.”
“Both can be true.”
Noeul looked at her. Dr. Kim didn’t add anything else.
After a moment, he continued. “I kept looking over my shoulder all the way to the park. I thought he might come after me.”
“Did he?”
“No.”
“And when you reached your friends?”
Noeul’s expression softened slightly. “Haneul saw me first.” He could hear him even now. “‘Noeul! You made it!’” A faint smile touched his mouth, then disappeared. “I forced myself to smile and walked over like everything was normal.”
“Did anyone notice?”
“Haneul did.” He asked if I was okay. Said I looked off.
“And what did you tell him?”
“That I was tired. That I hadn’t slept well.”
“Was that true?”
“Probably.” Noeul almost smiled. “But it wasn’t why.”
“What about the others?”
“Minho noticed I was quiet. Someone said I was laughing like my head was somewhere else.” Noeul rubbed his hands together. “I think I accidentally said Gong had said some things that got to me.”
“What happened?”
“I immediately told them it was nothing serious.”
“Why?”
Noeul’s answer came automatically. “Because it wasn’t their problem.”
Dr. Kim looked at him.
Noeul sighed. “I know.”
“Do you?”
“No.”
That almost made her smile.
Noeul continued. “The conversation moved on. They laughed. I laughed when I was supposed to. But I couldn’t stop thinking about Gong.”
“What specifically?”
“His voice.” Noeul stared at the floor. “Begging me not to leave him.”
“Not the threat?”
He went quiet. Dr. Kim waited.
Finally, Noeul shook his head. “That’s the part I don’t understand.”
“What part?”
“He scared me. He threatened me. He grabbed me hard enough to hurt.” Noeul’s brow furrowed. “And once I got away, all I could think about was how frightened he had looked.”
Dr. Kim leaned back. “Does that pattern feel familiar?”
Noeul looked at her sharply. He knew what she meant. “Yes.”
“With Gong?”
“With everyone.”
The answer seemed to surprise even him. Dr. Kim let the silence remain.
Noeul rubbed his palms against his trousers. “I felt guilty for leaving him there.”
“Even though you believed he might hurt you.”
“He was having an episode.”
“That explains his behavior.”
“I know.”
“It doesn’t mean you were required to stay where you were afraid.”
Noeul stared at her. “I know that now.”
“Do you?”
His gaze dropped again. “I’m trying to.”
Dr. Kim nodded. “What happened when you went home?”
Noeul stopped moving. The room seemed suddenly smaller.
Dr. Kim noticed immediately. “Noeul?”
He stared at his hands. “I went home.”
“And?”
His mouth opened. Nothing came out.
Dr. Kim waited.
Noeul’s fingers had begun to tremble. “He was calmer.”
“Gong?”
“Yes.”
“What happened between you?”
Noeul swallowed. “I don’t want to talk about that.”
“All right.”
The answer came without hesitation. Noeul looked up, almost surprised.
Dr. Kim put her pen down. “We don’t have to.”
Silence stretched between them.
Noeul looked away. “He hurt me.”
Dr. Kim remained very still. Noeul’s breathing had changed.
“Physically?”
He pressed his lips together. “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You did.” Her voice stayed calm. “And we can stop.”
Noeul nodded. Neither spoke for several seconds.
Then Noeul said, so quietly Dr. Kim almost missed it, “I still stayed.”
Dr. Kim watched him. “Afterward?”
Noeul nodded. “I stayed by him.” His voice cracked. “I tried, doctor. I really did.” The words began coming faster now. “I tried to understand him. I tried to be patient. I tried to be kind. I tried to be enough for both of us.” His eyes filled. “Even after that night.”
Dr. Kim didn’t interrupt.
“Even after he broke something inside me that never really healed.” Noeul wiped at his face, angry at the tears. “I still stood by him longer than anyone else did.” He looked at Dr. Kim. “And sometimes I think that makes me pathetic.”
“No.”
The answer was immediate but quiet. Noeul frowned.
Dr. Kim leaned forward slightly. “It tells me you were attached to your brother.”
“He hurt me.”
“Yes.”
“I was afraid of him.”
“Yes.”
“And I still loved him.”
“Yes.”
Noeul stared at her. “How does that make any sense?”
“Love and fear are not opposites.”
Noeul said nothing.
“Neither are love and anger. Or love and harm.”
His eyes dropped.
“You don’t have to decide today what loving Gong says about you.”
Noeul swallowed. “What if it says something terrible?”
“Then we’ll examine that when you’re ready.”
Noeul stared at his hands for a long time. “What if I never am?”
Dr. Kim picked up her pen again but didn’t write. “Then we start with what you can say.”
Noeul looked at her.
“And today,” she continued, “you said he hurt you.”
Noeul’s breathing caught. For a second, he looked as though he might take the words back. He didn’t.
“Yeah,” he whispered.
Dr. Kim nodded. “That’s enough for today.”