CHAPTER 59
A little over three weeks had passed since Duri had opened Chung-Hee’s bedroom door and found him.
Some things had improved. Noeul could follow conversations again. Most days, he knew where he was when he woke. The headaches had become less frequent, the bruises had begun to fade, and Dr. Kim no longer had to repeat every question twice before he understood it.
Other things had not improved at all.
Noeul closed the bathroom door and draped the towel over the chair. With slow, deliberate movements, he stepped up to the sink and picked up his toothbrush. For a few seconds, he only stared at his reflection.
The face in the mirror resembled the one he remembered, yet it was still bruised, battered in places. The cut on his lip had healed. The darker marks were turning yellow around the edges. His eyes bothered him more. They looked like his, but not entirely.
The marks on his skin carried too much history now. Gong. Haneul. Chung-Hee. Years spent trying to forgive, trying to atone, trying to comfort the living while honoring the dead. His face wasn’t the only thing that hurt. His entire body still ached some mornings.
Noeul lowered his gaze. Was this pain enough? Had he suffered enough? The question had followed him for years.
Maybe that was the problem.
He turned toward the bathtub. Baths had become easier than showers. He liked being able to sit. To see the door. To control the water himself.
Noeul undressed without looking at the mirror again and turned on the tap.
Hot. Hotter.
The heat helped. Not because it could wash anything away. He knew better than that now. But because the sensation gave him something simple to focus on. Heat. Water. Breathing. Nothing else. He tested the temperature with his hand. Too hot. He knew it was. Still, he turned the tap a little farther.
A knock came from the other side of the door. “Hyung?” Noeul didn’t answer.
Another pause. “It’s me.”
Duri. Noeul stared at the water.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes.” The word came automatically. He frowned, then corrected himself. “No.”
Silence followed. Duri didn’t open the door. “Do you want me to come in?”
Noeul looked toward it. His first instinct was no. His second frightened him more. “Yes.”
“Are you dressed?”
“No.”
“All right. I’ll wait.”
Noeul blinked. He hadn’t thought about that. He reached for the towel and wrapped it around his waist. “Okay.”
The door opened slowly. Duri stepped inside but remained close to it. His gaze went first to Noeul’s face, then to the steaming bath. “Hyung.”
Noeul already knew what he was going to say. “It’s too hot.”
“I know.”
Duri frowned. “Does it hurt?”
Noeul looked at the water. “Not yet.”
Duri moved one step closer. “Can I cool it a little?”
Noeul shook his head.
Duri stopped. For several seconds, they simply looked at each other. Then Duri sat on the closed toilet lid instead. “Okay.”
Noeul’s shoulders loosened slightly. “You’re not going to argue?”
“I want to.”
That almost made Noeul smile. “But?”
“But you said no.”
Noeul looked away. He removed the towel and slipped into the bath. The heat bit immediately, and his breath caught.
Duri noticed. “Still okay?”
Noeul nodded, then, after a moment, said, “Maybe a little colder.”
Duri stood. “Can I?”
“Yes.”
He turned on a thin stream of cold water. Noeul watched the ripples spread through the bath. “That’s enough.”
Duri turned it off immediately. “Better?”
“Yes.”
He sat again. Neither spoke. Noeul rested his head against the edge of the tub and closed his eyes.
After a while, Duri asked, “Do you want me to leave?”
Noeul’s eyes opened. “No.” The answer came softly.
Duri smiled. “Okay.”
He stayed. Noeul let the heat sink into his muscles.
His thoughts still moved more slowly than they had before everything happened, especially when he was tired.
Some memories returned in fragments. Others remained behind closed doors.
But the fog was thinner now. Enough that he could recognize Duri’s presence without needing his name repeated.
Enough that the room remained a bathroom instead of becoming somewhere else.
Noeul lifted one hand and touched his hair. “Duri.”
“Hmm?”
“Can you wash it?”
Duri stared at him.
“My hair,” Noeul clarified.
“I know what you meant.”
“Then why are you staring?”
Duri’s expression softened. “Are you sure?”
Noeul nodded. “Yes.”
Duri moved behind the tub. “Tell me if you want me to stop.”
“I will.”
He wet Noeul’s hair slowly, careful to keep the water away from the faint scar left by his head injury. Then his fingers slid gently into Noeul’s hair. Noeul tensed.
Duri stopped immediately. “No?”
Noeul breathed through it. The sensation wasn’t wrong. Only complicated. “Wait.”
Duri waited. Noeul closed his eyes. His pulse slowed. “Okay.”
Duri continued. His fingers moved in slow, steady circles through Noeul’s hair, massaging shampoo into his scalp. Nothing rushed. Nothing demanded. Warm water spilled down the back of Noeul’s neck, and his shoulders gradually loosened. Duri rinsed the soap away, then stopped. “Done.”
Noeul opened his eyes. “You can touch my face.”
Duri went still.
Noeul looked at him. “I know you want to.”
A faint blush appeared across Duri’s cheeks. “Hyung.”
Noeul almost laughed. “Just do it before I change my mind.”
Duri lifted one hand slowly and brushed Noeul’s damp hair away from his forehead. Then his fingertips touched Noeul’s cheek. Barely. Noeul closed his eyes. No panic came. Only warmth. When Duri removed his hand, Noeul felt the absence.
“Let’s get you out before you turn into soup,” Duri said.
Noeul opened his eyes. “That was terrible.”
“You smiled.”
“I did not.”
“You almost did.”
Duri handed him the large blue towel and turned his back while Noeul stepped out. Duri set clean clothes on the bed. “I’ll give you some privacy.”
He had almost reached the door when Noeul caught his wrist. Duri stopped.
“Don’t go.” The words came quietly.
Duri turned around. Noeul still held his wrist. “Stay with me.”
Duri’s expression softened. “Okay.”
Noeul looked toward the clothes, then back at him. “Help me change?”
Duri seemed to understand. “Yes.”
“Slowly.”
“Of course.”
Duri helped only where Noeul asked him to, a sleeve when his wrist hurt, the waistband when bending became uncomfortable.
When they finished, Noeul sat on the edge of the oversized bed. Duri remained standing. “You want me to stay until you sleep?”
Noeul nodded. Duri sat beside him, leaving space between them. Noeul looked at that space. Three weeks ago, he had needed it. Tonight, it felt too wide. “Closer.”
Duri moved slightly.
“More.”
Another few centimeters.
Noeul rolled his eyes. “You’re ridiculous.”
“I’m being careful.”
“I know.”
Noeul shifted until their shoulders touched. For a few minutes, neither spoke. Then Duri asked in a barely audible voice, “Can I hold your hand, hyung?”
Instead of answering, Noeul reached for it.
Their fingers interlaced naturally. Duri’s thumb moved once over the back of his hand.
Noeul allowed it. When sleep finally began pulling at him, he moved closer again.
Duri stayed still. Noeul rested his head against his shoulder, then slowly curled into his body.
Duri exhaled. Noeul heard the relief in it.
“Danke, Duri.”
Duri smiled. “Bitte.”
“Gute Nacht.”
“You practiced.”
“No.”
“You absolutely did.”
Noeul’s eyes were already closing. “Shut up.”
Duri laughed quietly. Sleep claimed them both.
Before the sky turned blue, Noeul woke first. Duri slept beside him, one arm loosely around his waist. Noeul remained still for several minutes. Duri was everything he had once imagined love should feel like. So why did the hollow remain?
Noeul carefully lifted Duri’s arm and slipped out of bed. He went to the living room and made coffee. Everyone else was asleep. The quiet suited him. He stood near the windows, watching the city before sunrise. A while later, footsteps approached. Duri stopped several feet behind him.
“Good morning, Noeul hyung.”
Noeul turned. Duri looked exhausted. “You should be sleeping.”
“So should you.”
Noeul lifted his coffee. “I tried.”
Duri went to the machine and inserted another capsule. “Bad dream?”
“No.”
Duri waited. Noeul settled onto one of the stools at the counter. “Sleep isn’t what I need.”
Duri turned to face him fully. “Then what do you need?”
Noeul stared into his coffee. “I don’t know.”
His fingers drifted unconsciously toward Gong’s ring, turning it slowly. Duri noticed. He said nothing. He waited.
“How am I supposed to live with all of this, Duri?”
Duri went still.
“The shame. The bitterness. The guilt.” Noeul swallowed. “Some days, I feel like I’m drowning in my own feelings. I can’t breathe.” His thumb stopped against the ring. “And what Chung-Hee did…” His voice broke, and he looked away.
Duri sat across from him. “You don’t have to finish.”
Noeul pressed his lips together. “I’m tired of hurting.”
“I know.”
“No.” His eyes lifted. “I mean I’m really tired. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this.”
Duri nodded slowly. “Then don’t.”
Noeul frowned. “As if it were that easy.”
“I didn’t say it was.” Duri wrapped both hands around his coffee. “But you don’t have to solve it alone.”
Noeul looked down.
“Dr. Kim. Dr. Daniels. Ji-Woo. Me. Eomma.” Duri shrugged faintly. “Use us.”
Noeul almost smiled. “That sounds terrible.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do.”
Duri’s expression became serious again. “You don’t owe us anything for helping you.”
Noeul’s fingers tightened around the ring. “Do I even have the right to get better?”
Duri stared at him. Noeul’s gaze remained fixed on his hands.
“What if I haven’t suffered enough?”
“Enough for what?”
Noeul didn’t answer.
“For Haneul?”
Silence.
“Gong?”
Noeul swallowed. “For everything.”
Duri leaned back. “Are you angry with Ji-Woo and me?”
Confusion crossed Noeul’s face. “What?”
“Are you angry with us?”
“Why would I be?”
“Because we came too late.”
Noeul answered without hesitation. “That wasn’t your fault.”
Duri said nothing.
Noeul frowned. “You didn’t know what was happening. Chung-Hee made those choices. Not you.”
Duri held his gaze and spoke carefully. “You understand that when it’s me.”
Noeul looked away. “That’s different.”
“Why?”
“Because it is.”
“Good argument.”
Noeul glared at him. Duri almost smiled but stopped himself. “I’m not saying you should suddenly stop feeling guilty because I told you to.”
Noeul looked back at him.
“And I’m definitely not going to tell you time magically fixes everything.”
That earned the faintest twitch of Noeul’s mouth.
Duri continued. “But you just told me Chung-Hee’s choices weren’t mine.”
“Yes.”
“And Gong’s choices?”
Noeul’s expression closed.
Duri waited. “You don’t have to answer.”
The silence stretched.
Eventually, Noeul whispered, “They weren’t mine either.”
Duri didn’t react too quickly. No smile. No praise. He only nodded. “No.”
Noeul looked down at the ring. The words felt strange. Almost disloyal. But not false.
Duri stood and carried his mug to the sink. “I have to get ready.”
Noeul blinked. “For what?”
“School.”
Noeul stared at him.
Duri looked offended. “School still exists, unfortunately.”
A quiet laugh escaped Noeul.
Duri froze.
Noeul frowned. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t make it weird.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Duri headed toward his room, then stopped. “Hyung?”
Noeul looked up.
“Think about what you just said.”
Noeul’s hand closed around Gong’s ring. They weren’t mine either.
Duri didn’t explain. He didn’t need to. Then he disappeared down the hall to get ready.
Noeul remained at the kitchen counter, alone with his coffee and the words he had finally managed to say aloud. Gong’s choices weren’t mine.
Noeul closed his eyes. His pain wasn’t bringing anyone back. It wasn’t protecting anyone. It wasn’t atonement. It was only pain.
He had suffered enough. Now, he had to heal.