CHAPTER 61 #3
“What if there’s something in me too?”
Ji-Woo leaned forward slightly. “There is.”
Noeul froze. Duri looked at him.
Ji-Woo’s voice softened. “His face. His DNA. Some of the same childhood. The same parents.” He wiped his cheek. “But that isn’t the same as being him.”
Noeul didn’t answer.
“Do you want to hurt me?” Ji-Woo continued.
“No.”
“Do you want to control me?”
“No.”
“Do you want me afraid of you?”
“No!” The answer came so forcefully that Ji-Woo almost smiled through his tears. “No,” Noeul repeated, quieter. “Never.”
“Then stop asking me to look at you and see Gong.”
Noeul’s face crumpled.
“You’re my brother,” Ji-Woo said, his voice breaking now too. “My annoying, overprotective, impossible hyung.”
Noeul laughed once through the tears.
Ji-Woo’s mouth trembled. “I missed you.”
Noeul stared at him, then finally reached out. Ji-Woo moved only when Noeul did. Noeul pulled him into an embrace.
“I missed you too.” His voice cracked against Ji-Woo’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For everything.”
Ji-Woo tightened his arms carefully. “No.”
Noeul closed his eyes.
“Don’t start.”
“Start what?”
“Apologizing for existing.”
That earned another broken laugh. Ji-Woo held him until Noeul was the one who pulled away.
Duri remained nearby. Noeul looked at him again, and the fear returned immediately. Duri saw it.
Noeul wiped his face. “Now you know.”
Duri said nothing.
“I’m dirty. Broken.”
“No.”
“All I have to offer is struggle.”
Duri exhaled slowly. “Do you want me to answer honestly?”
Noeul’s mouth twisted. “That sounds ominous.”
“I think you’re exhausting.”
Noeul stared. Ji-Woo blinked.
Then Duri continued. “You overthink everything. You decide what other people feel before asking them. You try to save everyone. You’re stubborn as hell.”
Noeul’s lips parted.
“And sometimes you’re an idiot.”
“Duri,” Ji-Woo said, almost laughing.
Duri ignored him. “But none of that has anything to do with what Gong did to you.”
Noeul went quiet.
“Or Chung-Hee.” Duri looked at him steadily. “You’re still you.”
Noeul shook his head faintly. “You don’t know that anymore.”
“I do.”
“How?”
“Because you still worry whether Ji-Woo slept enough.”
Noeul blinked.
“You cooked Rouladen because you remembered something I complained about when I was thirteen.” His eyes softened. “And when you were the one bleeding, you still asked me whether I was okay.”
Noeul stared at him. Duri’s throat tightened.
“Do you remember that?”
A faint crease appeared between Noeul’s eyebrows. “The chair?”
“Yes.”
The memory surfaced slowly. Gong shouting. Duri standing too close. A chair leaving Gong’s hands. Noeul moving before he had time to think.
Then pain. Blood. Hospital lights.
Noeul swallowed. “You remember that?”
“I remember everything about that day.” Duri’s voice weakened. “I remember the chair hitting you. I remember how much blood there was. I remember thinking I’d killed you because you got hurt protecting me.”
Noeul’s expression softened. “You were a kid.”
“So were you.” Duri looked down briefly. “When you woke up, the first thing you asked me was, ‘Are you okay?’”
Noeul didn’t answer.
“That’s the person I fell in love with.” Duri’s eyes lifted again. “Not because you saved me. Not because you’re some perfect hero.” A faint smile touched his mouth. “You’re definitely not perfect.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Noeul almost smiled.
“I love you because you’re you,” Duri continued, his voice growing quieter. “And knowing what happened doesn’t change that.”
Noeul looked away. “It should.”
“Why?”
“Because you’ll look at me differently.”
“I probably will.”
Noeul’s eyes snapped back to him.
Duri nodded. “I know more about you now.”
The answer made Noeul hesitate.
“I know you were carrying something I never saw,” Duri continued.
He shook his head. “But if you mean am I disgusted by you? No.” Duri didn’t hesitate. “Never.”
Noeul stared at him for a long moment, then whispered, “You’ll regret loving me.”
Duri sighed. “You’ve been saying that for years.”
“I mean it.”
“So do I.”
“About what?”
“Loving you.”
Noeul’s eyes burned. “You’ll have to wait.”
Duri’s mouth curved slightly. “I know.”
“For a long time.”
“I know.”
“I might leave.”
The smile faded, but Duri nodded. “I know that too.”
Noeul looked confused. “And you’re okay with it?”
“No.”
That surprised him. Duri gave a quiet laugh. “I hate it.”
Noeul almost smiled.
“But you said you need to figure out who you are without everyone around you.”
Noeul looked down.
“I’m trying to respect that,” Duri said. “Even if I really, really don’t like it.”
Noeul laughed softly.
Ji-Woo looked between them. “I’m going to get your medication.”
Noeul nodded. “Thank you.”
Ji-Woo stood. At the door, he stopped. “Hyung?”
Noeul looked up.
“I believe you.”
Noeul went still.
“Everything you told me.” Ji-Woo’s voice broke slightly. “I believe you.”
Then he left.
The bedroom became quiet. For a long time, neither Noeul nor Duri moved. The crisis had passed, leaving exhaustion behind.
Eventually, Noeul touched the dried blood on his neck. “I should wash this.”
Duri stood but waited for Noeul to do the same. Together, they walked to the bathroom. Ji-Woo had cleared the glass from the floor and sink, but the fractured mirror remained above the counter.
The broken mirror reflected pieces of him back.
Eye.
Mouth.
Cheek.
Not a whole face.
He turned on the water and washed the dried blood from his neck. Duri stayed behind him. Noeul could feel his gaze.
“You should leave me.”
Duri sighed. “We just covered this.”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I.”
Noeul looked at him through the fractured mirror. Duri’s reflection appeared beside his own.
“I’m dirty and broken.”
Duri walked closer, then stopped. “Can I touch you?”
Noeul looked at him. For several seconds, neither moved. Then Noeul nodded.
Duri rested one hand lightly against his arm. Nothing more.
Noeul turned around. They were close now, Duri’s hand still resting where Noeul had allowed it.
Noeul looked at him. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“You’re staring.”
“I’m allowed to look at my boyfriend.”
Noeul’s face warmed. “Boyfriend?”
Duri raised an eyebrow. “You forgot?”
“No.”
“Good.”
Noeul glanced toward the bathroom counter, then pushed himself up onto it, away from the broken glass. He shifted to make room in front of him and held out one hand.
Duri watched him.
“Come here,” Noeul said.
Duri moved forward slowly until he stood between Noeul’s knees. Noeul placed his hands on Duri’s shoulders. Neither spoke.
Duri was careful not to press against him. Noeul noticed. “You can come closer.”
Duri hesitated. “You sure?”
“Yes.”
He moved closer. Noeul’s arms slid around his neck, and Duri rested his hands lightly at Noeul’s waist.
Noeul tensed.
Duri immediately loosened his grip. “Still okay?”
Noeul closed his eyes for a moment, then nodded. “Yes.”
Duri stayed still. Noeul leaned forward until their foreheads touched.
The closeness hurt in a completely different way.
Noeul’s breathing gradually slowed. “You really don’t hate me?”
Duri frowned. “That might be the stupidest question you’ve ever asked.”
Noeul opened his eyes. “I’m serious.”
Duri’s expression softened. “I hate what happened to you.”
His thumb moved once against Noeul’s side, only after Noeul relaxed beneath his hand.
“I hate that Gong hurt you. I hate what Chung-Hee did.” His voice tightened. “But you?” Duri shook his head. “I could never hate you for surviving them.”
Noeul’s eyes filled. Duri rested his forehead against his again, and Noeul closed his eyes.
When Ji-Woo returned, he stopped in the doorway. Noeul sat on the bathroom counter, his arms around Duri’s neck. Duri stood between his knees, holding him carefully around the waist, their foreheads touching.
Ji-Woo said nothing. He simply waited.
After a moment, Duri noticed him. Noeul followed his gaze. Ji-Woo lifted the medication slightly.
Noeul sighed. “Right.”
Duri stepped back immediately. Noeul’s arms tightened around him for half a second.
Duri stopped.
Noeul looked surprised by his own reaction, then released him.
Duri smiled. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Noeul looked down. “I know.”
This time, the words sounded almost certain.
Duri helped him down only after Noeul reached for his hand. Dr. Kim’s instructions remained clear between them. Duri would stay beside him through the night, Ji-Woo would sleep nearby, and the phone would remain within reach. Noeul took his medication, then walked toward Ji-Woo. He hesitated.
Ji-Woo opened his arms but didn’t move.
Noeul stepped into them. Ji-Woo held him. Noeul stroked his hair once, an old habit returning naturally.
“Good night.”
“Good night, hyung.”
Noeul looked at Duri. “Gute Nacht.”
Duri smiled. “Gute Nacht, liebling.”
Noeul rolled his eyes, but his face warmed. Then he went straight to bed.