27. She Saw How Much He Struggled
She Saw How Much He Struggled
Lola
I cracked open the door. Just a tiny peek.
Sometimes, it paid to be cautious. I was venturing into the uncharted territory of the men’s bathroom, and as much as I wanted to find Aiden, I really didn’t need the unexpected sighting of a random man’s penis—or worse —when I was off the clock.
My eyes skipped over the stalls. No doors shut. Not a soul in sight.
I nudged the door open a tiny bit wider.
A light flickered above the washbasins, a broken sun blinking on and off above Aiden’s hunched shoulders.
His hands braced the basin, his head hung low, and even though water gushed out of the tap, he didn’t turn it off.
His eyes were closed, and his mouth moved in a slow, steady beat. My heart twisted. He was counting.
“Aiden?”
He didn’t answer.
He wasn’t ignoring me. He was lost in the other world he disappeared to sometimes—the one where he hovered on the edge of something sudden and scary. That was a world where I was powerless. Nothing I did helped him.
I crept a few steps closer. “Aiden?”
Silence.
Still oblivious to me, he let out a frustrated sigh that echoed off the tiles.
He cupped his hands under the tap, water sloshing around the porcelain as he splashed some onto his face before the whole routine started again.
His hands went back to the sink, he bent forward, his shoulders slumped, and his eyes screwed shut.
I counted with him this time. He probably couldn’t hear the click of my heels over the water gushing from the tap. I gnawed on my lip. I didn’t want to scare him. Should I call out again? I didn’t. But should I have?
Even though I didn’t know the secret buttons that sent Aiden spiralling to his unknown hell, and even though I crossed the tiles on timid feet, I never felt like I walked on eggshells like when I’d lived with Chris.
Anything and everything had flipped Chris’s switch.
What happened to Aiden was different. Whatever darkness swallowed him up, he fought it every step of the way.
Beside him, still unnoticed, I touched his back. “Aiden?”
His head jerked up. “Lola—what? Why are you…?” Wild eyes darted everywhere like he wasn’t sure where to look. “This is the men’s room.”
I waved him off with a smile and leant my hip against the basin. “This is what I do… Hanging out in bathrooms… Saving the day.” I twisted off the tap with a flourish and a silly ta-da . “Would you look at that? I’m kicking more superhero goals.”
Relief fluttered in my chest when Aiden smiled. It was only the hint of a smile, but I’d take it. It meant he’d taken one step further away from the edge of his dark abyss.
My eyes wandered around the bathroom. No answers there. Hints of past visitors stained the floor around the urinals. And what on earth was that smell?
I scrunched my nose. “The men’s bathroom is kinda gross.”
“Kinda?” Aiden’s face cracked in a genuine smile. “Try all kindas.”
My heart fluttered to see some of the hard edges of his face soften. There he was. Grumpy but talking.
What now?
I’d had my own lonely moment like this in a public bathroom.
When my world had been crumbling around me, a kind stranger offered her help.
What had she said to me? I know you’ll find your strength one day.
I had. It had taken me months and so many doubts and false starts, but I’d found the courage all by myself.
How much easier would it have been with someone by my side?
“You hit a bit of a wall back there,” I said.
“Lola, I’m sorry.” Haunted grey eyes lifted to meet mine. “I already broke our promise.”
“What happened out there wasn’t you running away from a tough conversation. Something bigger was going on.” I stroked the silver hairs around his temples. “Up here.”
Aiden’s head dropped. My heart was an empty echo in my chest. Was he going to shut down again? Storm off? Tell me to take the hint like he’d done outside the coffee shop all those weeks ago?
His voice low and uncertain, he kept talking.
He kept trying . “I panicked. I don’t let Ruth or Harry see this side of me—especially after everything Harry went through growing up.
The few times something’s happened that I haven’t been able to control, he’s chalked it up to me being a grumpy bastard.
I guess I am.” Aiden lifted a shoulder. “You’re the only one who’s seen…
anything . And… Lola… I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am that you had to see me like that.
I’m usually more careful. I’ve figured out how to manage it over the years. ”
Years?
I blinked back the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. Aiden had been dealing with these panic attacks for years ? And all by himself? He was so close to Ruth… Why couldn’t he let her see? He must have felt so… alone .
“I have a routine.” Aiden rushed on, as if he needed my approval to confirm that he was doing the right thing. “I keep the flashbacks under control. I can stop them before they start.” His sigh was defeated. “Most of the time.”
“Have you talked to someone about this?”
“Sure. A whole group of doctors tried fixing me. They couldn’t wait to write down a diagnosis. Six men in suits sitting on a panel read it out to me before they ended my career. Everything I ever worked for.” His laugh was bitter. “They took my whole identity with the swipe of a damn pen.”
“Are you comfortable sharing your diagnosis with me?”
His head bowed. The silence stretched on and on. “PTSD.”
My chest caved in. Post-traumatic stress disorder was a serious condition.
Flashbacks. Nightmares. Uncontrollable anxiety.
Police officers were prone to it. Had he suffered from his work?
Something else? I couldn’t imagine the horrifying things he must have lived through for his mind to splinter into a world so dark.
“Oh, Aiden—”
“Don’t you dare pity me.”
“I care about you. I worry about you. Have the flashbacks been getting worse lately? Like the day at the clinic? Was that your worst episode?”
“No.” Aiden wouldn’t meet my gaze. Even a hesitant touch to his shoulder didn’t help ease the tension holding him together this time. “That…wasn’t the worst…”
Dread prickled in tiny spikes all over my skin. He avoided my eyes as much as he avoided my question. He’d mentioned so many times that he wanted to protect me. Was that what he thought he was doing now? Was that what he’d tried to do before?
“Was the worst at my place?” I urged him cautiously.
“You…have a clock…”
“Is that why you left that night?”
“Lola, I wanted to stay. I’m usually so careful, but that night…
” His fist clenched by his side. “I was so damn selfish. I ignored all the signs because all I wanted was to be with you, but… I stayed too long…” Frustrated, angry with himself, he thumped his fist into his thigh.
“Everything went to shit. When the flashbacks get bad, I don’t always know where I am or what I’m doing.
I can’t stop the memories. They’re everywhere.
Everything. I’ve lashed out before. Smashed stuff.
Come back to the present with bruises on my hands.
” His eyes were almost wild again, and his breath was jagged, coming too fast. “I couldn’t risk anything happening to you. ”
“Hey, it’s okay…” I ran gentle fingers down his neck.
The tension in his jaw eased. “If this is too much, we can stop. We can talk about something else. Anything you want. Ruth’s quest for victory.
Harry earning the love of the Sunshine Princess.
” I slapped my hands against my knees. “Hey, now, what about that cricket match last week?”
I had absolutely no idea about cricket, and Aiden knew it. A smile ghosted on his lips.
“Is your offer still open?” He swallowed heavily and glanced an apprehensive look over my shoulder to the door.
No one was there. Only the dulled beats of music drifting from the bar filled the silence of the bathroom. I finally understood. He was scared, still chained dangerously close to another flashback.
“I don’t think I’m ready to go back yet.” He confirmed my suspicion with a sad smile. “Maybe we can go outside for a few minutes. Shake the last of it.”
I gave him my answer by lacing my fingers through his, and I tugged him away from the basin.
Aiden’s eyes rounded, but he followed on unsteady feet. Every few steps, his gaze locked on our linked hands, his brows knitted together, confused, like he couldn’t believe it. I floated along beside him. A shy blush crept up my cheeks. Maybe I couldn’t believe it, either.
After we pushed through the side doors, the noise of the bar drifted further away. I wobbled along in the silly heels Brooke had chosen for me, trying not to sink into the grass as we followed the worn stone pavers to the garden.
I sat on one of the wooden benches and patted the spot next to me. Aiden stared at my hand. Then he stared at me. He didn’t budge. I tapped my palm on the bench again. With a wary glance from the corner of his eye, Aiden eased down beside me.
“This isn’t how I wanted tonight to go,” he said.
“It hasn’t all been bad. Ruth’s kicking butt at this Games Night thing. I’m certain she’s going home with that pamper hamper she’s had her eyes on.”
“She hates all that stuff, you know. Skin care and bath bombs—that’s for girls .” He smiled and bumped my shoulder. “She wants that one because it’s the biggest.”
I laughed. “Okay, well, what about how you helped Harry?”
Aiden grunted. “I should’ve kept my trap shut. All those dopey grins and the kissing and the squealing.” He pretended to be annoyed, but I could see the smile in his eyes. “I had no idea that pair would be so…”
“Nauseatingly happy?”
“Yeah.” His smile suddenly faded, and his eyes flickered uneasily between my face and his hands. “Those are all good things, but… I wish…” He trailed off, finishing his thoughts only with a shake of his head.
“What?” I prompted gently with another bump to his shoulder.
A splash of warmth darkened his cheeks. “I wish… I’d asked… if you’d dance with me.”
My stomach dipped like I was already dancing. “I would’ve said yes.” I grimaced. “But I wasn’t kidding when I said I have more left feet than Ryan.”
“Barb’s years of forcing all those dance recitals didn’t help, huh?”
I grimaced. “The dance school eventually asked her very gently not to bring me back.”
“What about a slow waltz? I could teach you,” he offered. “If you want to give it a try?”
“Now?”
Aiden’s chin dipped. His silent yes.
He braced his hands on his knees, stood up, and pulled his phone out of the back pocket of his pants.
A few swipes and taps at his screen, and music floated around us, soft and slow, like dandelion seeds disappearing on the night air.
He offered his hand to me, and the guarded hope in his eyes bloomed into a satisfied smile when I rested my palm in his.
“Okay, this hand here”—he guided my hand to rest on his shoulder—“and mine goes here.” His big palm anchored on my back. Apprehension clouded his eyes, and he whispered, “Is this…okay? Not too close?”
I wanted to whisper that it wasn’t close enough.
We hadn’t taken a single step, but butterflies already danced and twirled in my stomach.
I couldn’t make any words come out of my mouth.
I rested my cheek against Aiden’s shirt, the linen warm from his broad chest, and his smell the familiar lullaby of fresh soap I remembered from all those weeks ago.
Aiden counted again, but this time, it wasn’t to battle through a panic attack.
He moved with quiet patience, leading me through the unfamiliar pattern, stepping to one and two, three and four, five and six.
It was pure magic. He smiled—one of the rare genuine smiles that lit up his face, all the way to his eyes. Gorgeous. My heart stuttered.
All my careful focus on the confusing steps disappeared. My heel clomped down hard on his foot.
Aiden choked back a grunt of pain.
“Whoops.” My shoulders hiked up around my ears. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay, love. I’ve got you.” He pulled back to look down at me with a smile. “Want to try a little spin?”
My head bobbed in an eager nod.
He chuckled. “Sweet girl. One…and…two…and…”
Our hands rose, and I twirled, my dress fanning in an excited whirl. Dizzy in the best way, I laughed and melted back into Aiden, my head resting against the safety of his chest. The thump of my heart raced so much faster than the steady pulse of the music and the awkward shuffles of our feet.
Could he hear how breathless I was, even though we were barely moving?
“Thank you,” he whispered. “For being there for me…”
He didn’t need to thank me for that. “Thank you for the dance…”
And for the beautiful new memory that chased the fading nightmare even further away.