Chapter 40 Tessa #2
“You’re not going to lose us, Tessa,” Dixon said fiercely.
He pulled me against his body, slamming us together with a brutal, unyielding force that echoed his claim.
“You’re stuck here. With us. Safe.” He punctuated his words oddly, as if he wanted his brain to remember these bullet points.
Stuck here. With us. Safe. We held each other, and my heart ached at the way his body trembled.
When we parted, his eyes were surrounded by smudged black liner. I’d traced both of my thumbs gently beneath his eyes, trying to swipe his skin clean. He reached up, fingers encircling both of my wrists to stop my movement.
“I want to tell you something.”
“You can tell me anything.”
My heart ached as Dixon bled memories. Seventeen, sent to prison because he gave his friend drugs and the friend died. The only saving grace was his age, tried as a juvenile. When he’d gotten out, his family had wanted nothing to do with him.
“If Ryder hadn’t stuck by me, I don’t know where I’d be. Dead maybe. I did want to fucking die after Rick overdosed.” His words were garbled as he forced them out. He seemed both deflated and relieved after spilling his story.
“It wasn’t your fault, sweetheart.” I crooned, rubbing my hand gently across his thigh. “I know you bought the drugs, but he asked you for them. He took them. He took too much despite your warning.”
“If I’d never gotten the drugs then—”
“You can’t do that. God, not that I’m one to talk. I’ve blamed myself for going to your concert instead of the skiing trip, but I’m alive. Because of what happened, I’m alive. And you’re alive too, Dixon. We. Are. Alive. And we both have suffered enough, don’t you think?”
Crawling onto my knees against the plush comforter, I closed the gap between us.
Dixon sat statue still as I leaned in and kissed his neck.
Once. I moved higher. Twice. I moved a little higher.
The third time my mouth grazed his chiseled jaw, and his hands suddenly gripped my waist. I blinked up at him, lips still hovering near his skin.
“I can kiss you?” He asked, voice broken. So hopeful. If I said no, I knew it would hurt his fragile heart.
“Can I kiss you?” I volleyed back, turning the tables. “I didn’t ask first.”
“You never have to fucking ask,” he growled in need.
The desire that built between us. The way his hands pushed into my hair and tugged gently.
Then his fingers traveled down to knead my back.
He pulled me so close that nothing existed between us, not even air.
The way his washboard stomach felt against my softer body made warmth bloom in my belly.
Part of me, the Omega part, wanted to go all the way.
Fireworks. I don’t know how we managed to stop. I almost couldn’t.
Worry ejected me from the achingly good recollection, and I opened my eyes.
My gaze fell from the sky and landed squarely on my knees.
They were rounder now. I’d put on some weight.
Yet two weeks here and a full-fledged heat still hadn’t come.
Every time I thought I was on the cusp, feverish and moody and so very horny, my body changed course the same way it had the last few months living on the streets.
I kept thinking back to what Beta Loves to be a Dick had said about being malnourished and not having a normal heat.
But I was eating so well here. I was pampered.
I had everything I could ever want. I wondered if something was irreparably wrong with me.
Was my body ruined? Would I never have a proper heat ever again?
Just these pre-heat symptoms that cropped up and disappeared in a vicious, frustrating cycle?
God, I hoped not. It would drive me fucking crazy.
And… no heat… I didn’t know what that would mean for my future here.
“Tess, you want a drink?”
I glanced up quickly, squinting against the bright sunlight.
Shading my face with one hand, the speaker came into focus.
Mac was out of the jacuzzi already, swim shorts dripping to darken the stained concrete for only a millisecond before the hot sun dried the moisture.
He shifted impatiently, hands pushing into the short pockets.
He’d been fidgety today. I’d already grown so use to his steady, calm presence that the electric energy swirling around him today was a bit unnerving.
“That would be great. Thanks so much.” I smiled at him, then reached out and grazed my hand against his calf. Goosebumps sprouted across his skin where I’d touched.
“Please,” Mac breathed out slowly, then paused as if debating whether to voice the rest of his thought. When he spoke again, he seemed to rush out the words before he could second-guess. “Please, only touch me when it can be something more.”
“Oh, okay. I’m sorry.” I tried to smile through the rejection. Hands in my lap now, I picked at the cuticle of my thumbs with my middle fingernails.
“Nothing to be sorry for,” he spoke again, just as quickly as before.
“I want you to want me in your own time, Tessa. I’m never going to force anything.
Please understand,” Mac took a deep breath, eyes closing for a heartbeat before reopening, “I’m a desperate man, Tessa.
You’re a cool glass of water after weeks of dying in a desert.
I probably should just go for a treatment, but I can’t take that pain again either. ”
Never going to force anything.
I should just go for a treatment.
Can’t take that pain again.
A glass of water after weeks of dying in a desert.
As he retreated quickly, those words stuck around. I suddenly realized what was wrong with him today. Why was I so stupid? It was glaringly obvious.
I’d really kissed Ryder. He’d been the first I’d let briefly past my walls.
I’d also let Tray kiss me when I’d helped him study for Physics…
not that he’d needed help. It hadn’t been a long kiss, but it had been passionate, on the lips, and it had allowed our scents to mingle closer.
Last night, Dixon and I took things the furthest. Hands on bodies.
Over the clothes exploration. Kisses so feverish that my face had stung from Dixon’s stubble and my lips felt rubbed raw.
With Mac though… Save for a swift peck on the cheek shortly after my arrival, he and I had barely touched.
And that quick, demure kiss? He’d asked for consent, with zero pressure.
God, I felt guilty. I hadn’t meant to neglect him as I settled in and learned to accept this new, lavish world.
A world so like the one I’d lost. Mac was such a gentleman and the most concerned with giving me the best, while demanding the least. Maybe that’s why he’d fallen to the wayside?
The others were louder, more needful, harder to ignore.
Mac hadn’t pined for me ever since a single encounter at a long-ago concert like Ryder. He wasn’t outwardly losing his battle with ferality like Dixon. And he wasn’t boyishly charming and irresistible like Tray, who always seemed full of life.
Mac was a still, peaceful pool surrounded by a fast-rushing river. Even knowing he’d gone through incredibly painful procedures to fight his Alpha aggression, he rarely showed the fracturing he felt. I’d taken that for granted, I guess.
Silently, I promised the no longer in eyesight Mac that I’d give him the same affection as the others. I wouldn’t let him be forgotten, simply because he didn’t shout as loudly for attention.
As if on cue, Tray and Ryder once again rocketed from the water. Their exits were so forceful this time, and in sync, that a cannonball’s worth of water splashed against me.
“Hey!” I shouted, feigning irritation. “I’m not here to get wet.”
A ridiculous statement. I should have known what the outcome would be.
Ryder and Tray exchanged impish grins and they both begin swimming quickly towards me. My gaze darted to Dixon for help, but he only grinned back in amusement.
They grabbed me and pulled me into the water. I shrieked and protested while my Alphas just laughed joyously.