Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
“Daddy, I don’t wanna wear diapers.” Maybe I did have a problem with that whole brain-mouth filter thing like my parents said.
“Um, okay?”
Poor Daddy, he had his confused face on again. “The Littles in the nursery wore diapers and didn’t talk. It was so boring.”
“Oh, alright, now I get it. You don’t have to wear diapers or pull ups unless you want to.”
“Do you want me to? I mean, I’d try it for you, Daddy, but I’m pretty sure I won’t like it. It’s fine for those who do, but it’s just not for me.”
“Not if you don’t want to. It’s not a make it or break it for me, Sage. Was there anything about the nursery you liked?”
I thought hard, then thought some more. “The teachers were nice.”
“To the Butterfly room tomorrow it is!” Silly Daddy cheered.
“I like butterflies.”
“I know you do, sweet boy. Now, let’s get dinner, Daddy’s hungry.”
“Daddy, why don’t you want me at work with you all day? Do I get in the way?” I was super sad about that, thinking I made Daddy mad or something.
“No, it’s nothing like that. I’d love to have you there, but I want you to make sure there isn’t somewhere else you’d rather be. Plus, you’ll make more friends in Little daycare than you will around a bunch of smelly horses.”
He was right, the horses were pretty, but stinky.
“Hmm, okay, I’ll try Butterflies. Can we get nuggets?”
Daddy laughed. “Absolutely, my sweet-brain squirrel chaser. After you.” He swept his arms through the air. He was so silly and made me laugh all the time.
It was nice not to be sad or scared anymore or to have to hide away and be quiet all the time. Daddy was silly and-and… he kissed me. A couple of times now. Made my tummy all wiggly, in a good way.
“Daddy, are you gonna keep me like, forever?”
“Um, yeah?”
“That was a question.” I grabbed a Jell-O cup. “Watch it wiggle, Daddy.”
“Silly boy, let’s sit outside and talk.”
Ut oh, I hope I didn’t ask the wrong question or push him too far. If Daddy broke up with me, I’d have a bad case of the sads. Like, forever sad.
As soon as we sat down, Daddy took a big drink. I played with my Jell-O while he figured out his words. My tummy wasn’t as happy anymore while we waited to hear what he had to say.
“This was a conversation I’d hoped to have in private, but since you brought it up, here will have to do. Yes, I want to keep you forever.”
The wiggles just came and I couldn’t stop them.
“My wiggly, smiley boy, your Daddy loves you with all his heart.”
Wait, what? The wiggles stopped and the tears hit. My lip trembled as I struggled to get the words out. “You-you love me?” No one had ever said those words to me before. “Like, for real?”
“Like for real. I love you to the moon and back, my little butterfly.”
The chair fell over when I shot up but I didn’t care. All I could see through my tears was my Daddy’s open arms. I crawled up on his lap and cried. Someone loved me. Daddy loved me and all my silly, noisy parts too.
“My love, are those happy tears or sad ones?”
“B-b-both.” Daddy loved me. Those three words played on an endless loop in my brain.
“Oh, sweetheart, Daddy wants to take all your sads away.”
“You do, Daddy. I love you so much. I was so afraid of saying that to you and you running away or telling me I’m dumb and to shut up.”
“I would never say any of those mean words to you and, if someone ever says that to you, you come and tell me, and Daddy will set them right.” He squeezed me tight. There was no better place than in Daddy’s arms.
“’kay.”
“Do you want Daddy to feed you?”
Did I? Maybe sometime but not right now. I wiped my eyes and sat up. “No thank you, Daddy, I can do it. I’m a big boy.”
He booped my nose and kissed me. “Yes you are. You’re Daddy’s big boy.”
I stole another kiss and hopped down so I could eat. I really liked this whole kissing deal.
“Daddy has a couple of prezzies for his boy. Want to go back to my place after we eat?”
“Yes, please.” I wanted to do that even without prezzies. “Daddy, if you’re my Daddy, does that make us boyfriends too?”
“In our relationship it does. But it’s not the same for everyone.”
“I’m figuring that out. If we’re boyfriends does that mean I can still only come over when you invite me?”
“Great question. Guess I hadn’t really thought about it that way since we are always together when we’re not working. I’ll get you a key.”
“Yay! Can we have a sleepover at your place?” Daddy started choking. “Take a drink,” I said, but that just made him choke-laugh. “Are you okay?”
He held a finger up while he sipped his tea. “I am now. You caught Daddy off guard. I’d love to have a sleepover with you when you’re ready.”
“Good, ’cause Beary, Mikey, Roo and me are lonely at night. We want to fall asleep with Daddy.” My stuffy friends would be so happy when I told them.
“We can arrange that. How about Friday night?”
“Why not tonight?” Now he was back to laughing. “What’s so funny?”
“For someone who is new to all of this you sure are full of curiosity and ready to dive right in.”
“That’s cause I know Daddy will take care of me and everything will be alright.” Listening to other Littles I ran into like Sadie and how they talked about their Bigs made me think—a lot. Shoot, that reminded me. “The other Littles say their Mommies and Daddies read them bedtime stories.”
“If we’re gonna do that, we need to hit the store and pick out a couple of books, don’t we?”
I nodded. “I think it would be very Daddy-like of you to read to me. Do I have to drink from a bottle?”
“Nope.”
“Can I have a sippy cup?”
“If you wish.”
See, Daddy had all the answers. “What about a binky?” I wasn’t sure about that one either, but I really wanted to try.
Sucking my thumb got my hiney spanked when I was younger, so I wasn’t going there.
Some of the Littles in the nursery did today and they didn’t get in trouble for it.
Everything was so different here. Different better for sure.
“You might enjoy one at bedtime.”
“’Kay.” I played dippy with my nuggets and sauce. Daddy never cursed at me for playing with my food either. He watched and smiled that smile of his that was just for me. He grinned at other people, but this one, this was a special one just for me.
Daddy loved me.
But I still had questions.
Being raised to see things one way then coming here and finding there are so many different kinds of relationships was overwhelming.
The others I’d had classes with were open about theirs, sharing private details.
I absorbed it all, spent my evenings wrapped up with my stuffies, phone in hand as I researched them.
What was most helpful, besides asking Daddy, were the chats I had joined online.
Who knew all these lifestyles even existed?
I’d found a whole new side of me or maybe I’d finally found the real me. The one kept boxed up for twenty-one years. Now I had friends, toys, a Daddy—definitely not what I thought that role was before I landed at those wrought iron gates.
Did they even miss me?
Randomly, my parents would pop into my head, dragging my good mood down. Did I miss them? Yeah, even though they’d treated me like crap, which I saw now through the way not only Daddy was with me but how nice everyone at the Ranch was too.
But still, they are my parents…
Did they ever think of me?
Questions I’d likely never have answers to and ones I was probably better off not knowing.
“Are you alright, little one? You’ve been quiet all the way to the store?”
A sigh escaped before I had the chance to stop it. “Yeah, my parents popped into my head and washed away my good mood.”
Daddy crouched down and took my hands in his.
“No matter what they said to you, you didn’t deserve what they did, Sage.
I wish I could take away all your pain but those are issues only you can work through, but I’ll be right by your side for whatever you need.
I’d been holding off asking, waiting for the right time, but I think you should schedule a session with one of the Ranch therapists. ”
“You think I’m crazy?”
“Quite the opposite and this isn’t a matter of crazy. This is a matter of an unbiased third party helping you work through some of your past. Sage, your happiness and well-being are my top priority.”
“Oh.”
“Come on, let’s pick out a couple of books.”
“Ooohhh Daddy, look, the mouse has a choco chip cookie. Can we have cookies and milk tonight?”
“That can be arranged.”
I was getting the cute mouse book for sure. Daddy helped me pick out two more, one with a monkey at the zoo and another with a rhino and a boy using his horn to play ring toss with.
“Daddy, what if the rhinosrus doesn’t like that boy throwing stuff at him?”
“You mean the rhy-noss-uh-russ,” Daddy sounded it out, but I’d already said that.
“That’s what I said, rhinosrus.”
Daddy laughed and rubbed my curly curls. “Guess we’ll have to read it and find out.”
“Daddy, are we gonna have sex sometime?”
Daddy coughed, he was doing that a lot lately. Maybe he should see a doctor. I heard Becky say sweet baby Jesus, but I didn’t know what she was going on about.
“How about we have that conversation over milk and cookies.”
“’Kay.”
“I have to say, I’m really enjoying this fun, curious side of my Sage.”
His Sage.
“You make me happy, Daddy. You don’t yell or get mad when I talk or tell me not to talk like a baby or act like a toddler. You just let me be me.”
“That’s the way it should be, sweetheart. Don’t ever be anyone but you. Can you do that for Daddy?”
My head bobbed all around and I blew hard to get the curls out of my eyes. “Yes, Daddy. Do I need a haircut?”
“Do you want one?”
I remembered all the awful haircuts Mama gave me. “No, thanks.”
“Fine by me. You know how much I love your hair.”
“And me.” Didn’t want him to forget that. “You said you loved me and there are no take-backsies.”
“And you, silly boy. Let’s get the cookies and a few other things Daddy has to pick up.
Then you can pack your bag for tonight and we’ll head to Daddy’s apartment.
” He loaded up the basket he was carrying with some odds and ends.
I made sure he didn’t forget the choco chip cookies. They were my favorite.
I was having a hard time thinking about what to pack. I’d never slept over anywhere and had no idea what to bring.
“Don’t break your brain, little one.” Daddy tapped my forehead. “Let’s get you a special toothbrush and toothpaste to keep at Daddy’s. Then all you need to pack is jammies and clothes for tomorrow.”
“And my stuffies.”
“Yes, we can’t forget them.”
Daddy paid for all the stuff then walked me to the elevator.
As soon as it opened on my floor I ran down the hall to my room and shoved a bunch of things into my bag.
Shoot, better make sure I have work clothes.
I pulled it all back out. Good thing I did because I’d have been nakey-butt for work tomorrow.
This time I grabbed jammies, boxers, and a work outfit and then scooped up my stuffies.
“We’re having a sleepover at Daddy’s tonight. It’s gonna be so much fun.”
“Ready, Daddy,” I said as soon as the elevator opened.
“That was fast. Come on, little one, let’s get going.”
Everyone we passed said hi or waved to us. “I like it here, Daddy. It’s so pretty and everyone’s nice.”
“That’s the way it should be. But you’re right, there’s something magical about this place.”
Yeah, magical. That was the right word for it.
“While Daddy puts the groceries away, why don’t you hang your clothes up.”
“’Kay, Daddy.” When I came back out, Daddy had a cute turtle backpack sitting on the table. “What’s that?”
“That’s your new backpack with a surprise inside. Go ahead, open it up.”
“Turtle jammies. Thank you, Daddy.” They were so cute in their tiny shells. “They match my new backpack.”
“There’s more.”
“A shirt with butterflies and snaps at the bottom. Is this my first onesie?” I’d seen others wearing them, but I didn’t have any.
“It is. What does it say on the front?”
I held it up. “Daddy’s little butterfly. That’s so cool. How did you know my size?”
“From when you first got here and we went shopping for you. I ordered those online and they just came in. There should be one more thing in there.”
I dug around inside and my fingers landed on a pointy squishy thingy. “A binky?”
“It is. You said you wanted to try one, so there you go.”
“Smart Daddy, you ’member everything.”
“Well, not everything, but I try to when it comes to my boy.”
Pfft, the others said they had the bestest Daddy. No way. Mine was the bestest of the bestest.