24. Cassidy
Chapter 24
Cassidy
T wo weeks have gone by since I gave my virginity to Joshua Hicks. And since that time, our interactions have grown more and more few and far between.
I can’t say it’s all him.
I know I’m actively avoiding him. And he tends to avoid anything that happens to be cause him to feel anything other than joy or pleasure.
God forbid the man actually has to deal with something heavy like– I don’t know –the loss of a parent. Or informing a young sibling about the loss of their parent.
Or how about his plans to send his own siblings, children that share his blood, into the foster system.
Even the thought of it now has me riled up. These kids deserve so much better. And I wish I could do something about it. I wish I could hold Maddie, who I know isn’t going to have her mom with her when she gets her first period or her first heartbreak.
I wish I could jump with Parker on trampolines and watch him do back flips that will make his cautious tumbles right now look like child’s play.
I want to see Cole, driving my car to pick up his girlfriend. She’ll be sweet and funny and love the sensitive part of him that cares about little things.
And that makes me the most sad of all. Because I want all those things but their own brother–he wants the path of least resistance.
So for now, I’ve let the days float by in a summer blur. Filled with activities to keep the kids– and me –occupied and away from Joshua. Away from someone who would so easily just give them up.
Library story times. Indoor playscapes. Outdoor hikes. And lots and lots of pool time.
Maddie, Parker and I have permanent tans from our swim suits that just get even more noticeable the more time we spend at the pool.
Cole works on my car almost all the time. He heard that there’ll be a drift event coming to the Houston area this coming weekend. His goal is to have my car ready to participate in an amateur drift event.
I like that he’s at least getting out of the house.
Yesterday, I got an email from UH about fall classes. I can’t believe it’s already August. I barely have two weeks left working for Joshua Hicks and his family.
I talk to Lillian almost every day. She’s been helping me with my apartment search. I know the second I get paid–I’m going straight to a leasing office.
“I can’t believe you didn’t get paid anything up front,” she scoffs on the phone while the kids are watching a movie.
“Yeah, well, it’s not like I have much to worry about. Food, lodging, gas, clothes–he’s been paying for everything.”
“You’re a kept woman,” she says, smiling into the video chat.
“Hardly. If anything he’s a kept man. Maids to clean up after him. Chefs to cook. Nanny to watch his kids. You tell me that’s not an easy life?”
“Well, it’s not like he doesn’t work hard to afford it.”
“I guess.”
“I feel like you’re actively trying to find reasons not to like him,” she says.
I am. I definitely am. Because if I focus on the longing. I end up just getting mad at myself.
“Never mind, Joshua. Tell me about, Eddie.”
She smiles and she’s giddy. The day after the Booktrovert speed dating session–I did receive a call from Angie about a match. And it was Eddie.
Later that night, I also got a call from Lillian telling me that she and Eddie matched.
I was so busy with entertaining Joshua’s parents that I missed the call from Eddie that day. Lillian did not. And I don’t have the heart to tell her. Instead, I just deleted his number and have been following the saga of Lillian and her English beau.
“He’s so different. And fun. And just pays attention to things, you know? I don’t think I’ve ever been with someone who just cares about the little things.”
“Aww, Lillian.”
“There’s just one problem,” she says.
“Uh-oh.”
“He’s moving to Singapore, Sid! Freakin’ Singapore.”
Singapore is way farther than Georgia. That's for sure.
“Maybe you guys can make it work long-distance. If that’s what you want.”
She scrunches her nose. “I like him. A lot. But long-distance just seems like a huge commitment.”
I hear the front door open and shut followed by the sound of boots.
“Hold on,” I tell her.
It’s him. He sees me leaning on the kitchen counter and stops. In his eyes, I see something different. Something's wrong. He’s hurt.
“Lillian, I’m going to call you back, later, ok?”
“Uh-oh! Is bossman there—” I hang up.
“What’s wrong?” I ask him.
He swallows hard and scratches the back of his head. “She knew… my Mom. She knew about James. About the kids.”
“What do you mean she knew?”
He walks in and pulls one of the barstools from the kitchen island and sits in it. His hair is mussed like he’s been running his fingers through it over and over. “James, a month before he passed, went to U-M. To the hospital where my mother works. He had been diagnosed with a heart condition. She’s the best heart surgeon in the country. So he went to her.”
“And what happened?”
“She wouldn’t treat him.”
“Your mother?” I can't believe that. “She just denied him care?”
“She said she couldn’t do it. Referred him to a colleague. She could’ve helped him and she didn’t, Cassidy.”
“I-I’m so sorry, Joshua. That’s just–”
“Evil,” Cole’s voice says from the entrance of the kitchen.
“Cole,” I gasp.
“She could’ve saved him? She could’ve saved my dad and instead… she let him die.” Cole shakes his head in disgust.
“Cole, I had no idea,” Joshua says, standing up.
“She let him die!” Cole yells out.
“Who?” Maddie is coming down the stairs. "Who died?"
I panic running to her. “Nobody, honey–”
“Dad, Maddie! Dad. His mom let our dad die!” Cole screams pointing a finger at Joshua.
Joshua runs to him, I think he’s about to do something stupid. Something he’ll regret. He pushes Cole’s finger out of his face, grabs him by the shoulders… and pulls him into a hug.
Cole hits him. Trying to push him away. But Joshua just holds him. And eventually Cole stops pushing and just sobs into his shoulder. Babbling. “She could’ve saved him. She could’ve saved him.” He says it over and over. His legs give out and he drops to the floor, Joshua following him down. Still holding him tight as he shudders through uncontrollable sobs.
“What’s wrong with Daddy? Maddie says, looking around.
“Oh honey,” my voice cracks.
“Where’s Daddy Cole? What happened? Why is Cole crying?” I try to comfort the child, but she pushes at me and runs to her brother. Shaking him. “Cole where’s Daddy?”
The teenager doesn’t say anything. He lets Joshua hold him. And he grabs his sister and he holds her too.
The three of them are in tears. Maddie sobs into her brother’s chest.
She knows. She knows he’s not coming back. I stand there unable to control the tears falling down my cheeks.
I wish I could take away their pain. I wish tragedies didn’t have to destroy families like this. Happy families. Where Mommy’s loved their Daddy’s and Daddy’s loved their kids.
I sniff, and head up the stairs to find Parker. Hopefully he’s still watching the movie. Or even napping.
He won’t understand death. Not at two.
When I was two our dog died.
Mom said I would go talk to the little tree my older siblings planted to mark it’s grave. I did it out of habit.
I remember talking to that tree even at Maddie’s age. One day. I realized I was talking to a tree but I didn’t know why. So I just stopped.
I wonder if Parker will be like that. Mourning, because his brothers and sister mourn. But unaffected by pain like they are.
Maybe Parker out of all of them–is the one that’s spared. He’s spared from the loss. From the hurt. That’s associated.
To be young. Oh, to be young.
I check the movie room. But Cole's not there. I check his room. Also not there.
I look in every room, bathroom, closet.
Finally a panic sets in.
Could he have left?
I run downstairs. Joshua is holding Maddie and Cole.
"I can't find Parker!" I say to them.
Joshua looks up. "What?"
"Parker!" I call out. No answer.
Joshua and the kids all get up. "Maybe's he's stuck somewhere?"
"Parker!" Maddie calls out. "Parker come get ice cream!"
Silence.
We all disperse into different directions in search of the the little boy. We open doors. We check the basement. We look outside.
We can't find Parker. We can't find him anywhere. It's like he just… disappeared.