55. TWENTY-NINE
TWENTY-NINE
ALEX
Afterward, I carry Eden into the shower and wash the day out of her hair.
We don’t have sex again, despite how hard my dick is as I lather her body with soap.
We barely even speak. And when we’re dry, we climb into bed, and I fall asleep with her clutched in my arms, dreaming about doing it all over again.
In the morning, I wake before she does. It’s game day, and I’m heading to the stadium early because I have a public spectacle to plan, vis-à-vis shaving my head in front of seventy thousand fans and millions of others on social media.
So, I pad silently out of the bedroom and leave a note for her beside the coffee machine I’ve prepped to be ready for when she wakes up.
I’ll see her at the game anyway, but I want her to know I’m still thinking about her. I’m not running, even if everything inside is screaming at me to do just that. Even if I still can’t make her any promises.
My friends are right. I’m an emotionally stunted idiot.
“Wait, what?” Leo blinks at me, standing in his cleats and no shirt in the locker room two hours later. “You’re seriously gonna cut your hair?”
Roman bounces in place like a toddler, which is an odd sight to behold considering the man is the size of a woolly mammoth. “This is the best day of my life.”
Coach agreed to the plan. In three weeks’ time, at the next home game, he will personally take a razor to my head and shave it.
He’ll also brief the investors on what’s happening and is confident they’ll be fully on board, considering I’ll have managed to completely transform my media image from an out-of-control playboy to a settled-down family man who does charity work.
The Strikers’ social media team will handle the livestreaming, the finance team will be all over the donations, and we’ll be doing it immediately after the game ends.
So, let’s hope we win. Because it will be a double kick in the dick for me if we don’t.
I shrug off my friend’s jubilation and take a long pull of water from my gym bottle. “Yeah, well, it’s for a good cause.”
Roman drops to the bench beside me and tilts his head. “And you’re still claiming you’re not in love with her?”
I think, after last night, that ship has well and truly sailed. Though, if I’m being honest with myself—which is not something I’m used to doing—the ship left the port a long time ago.
When I don’t immediately answer, he carries on.
“I’m just saying, you’re weirdly attached to your hair, and you’re about to cut it all off to help the son of a woman you’re not even in a real relationship with?
Dude.” He shakes his head with a laugh. “You’re either the most delusional man alive… or the dumbest.”
I’m probably both, let’s be real.
Only a man as stupid as me could have the woman of his dreams in the palm of his hand and still be planning to put her back down.
“Dude,” I hiss. “Can you keep your voice down? Coach could walk in at any minute.”
Leo looks at me knowingly then claps Roman on the shoulder. “Maybe we should ease off him.”
“Seriously?” Roman swings his head toward Leo. “You’re hearing what I’m hearing, right?”
“I just don’t think calling the guy an idiot is going to achieve what you want it to right now. Besides, we’ve got a game in, like, five minutes, so let’s try not to piss off the captain if you want a shot at winning the league this year.”
Roman groans. “Fine, I’ll drop it. For now.” Then to me, he says, “I assume you’re bringing her to Leo and Brynn’s housewarming party later?”
My sister and her husband picked up the keys to their new place this week, and true to the tradition of Leo hosting most social gatherings, they’re having the team and their significant others over to celebrate.
Naturally, Eden is coming with me.
Her sister too, actually, according to a slew of text messages I received half an hour ago, letting me know that she’ll be acting as a chaperone to ensure I’m treating Eden with the "utmost respect and adoration she deserves.” Which, of course, I agree with.
I just don’t need a knife-wielding twenty-two-year-old to take on the role of my supervisor.
“Yeah, she’s coming.”
“Great.” Roman grins. “I’ll get front-row seats to the circus—that is, you pretending to be in love with her in front of the team while simultaneously pretending not to be in love with her to yourself.”
I mean, when he puts it like that…
At least he had the decency to lower his voice this time, because Coach Carter slams open the door to the locker room. He stands before us in a tailored suit, hands on his hips, and his rotund stomach peeking out between his unbuttoned jacket. “Right, boys, bring it in.”
Leo throws on the rest of his gear and trails behind us as we peel ourselves off the benches to gather around our coach.
“I’m gonna jump straight into this. No bullshit.
We’ve been playing well this season, working hard, communicating as a team, covering each other.
I expect the same today. The team we’re up against has one of the strongest defenses in the league, so push hard on the offensive.
Work together. Move the ball quickly, and be aggressive with your plays.
But don’t slack on our defense. Underestimating their strikers will lose us this game, understand? ”
Everyone nods, mumbles of “Yes, Coach” and “Got it” rumbling through the team like a passing train. Then we file into the stadium tunnel, where we wait to be paired with a child mascot for the walkout.
Huh, maybe this is something Macon would want to do at some point. I should run it by Eden later.
I’ve already had the privilege of being joined by Ivy for the game ceremony, which was a beautifully wholesome experience, though not one I’m in a hurry to repeat.
My seven-year-old niece may be cute as hell, but she can’t stand still for the life of her and thought that telling me I should give her daddy my captain badge because I’d “probably lose” was an adequate pre-game pep talk.
The freckle-faced kid with floppy hair slipping his hand into mine now is thankfully more of the silent type.
And as we walk out onto the grass and stand tall for the national anthem, there’s a noticeable lift to my mood that I didn’t have before.
An injection of sunshine into my veins. Because standing just behind the glass of the family suite, Eden is watching me with a smile on her face.
She presses a hand to the glass like she’s reaching out to touch me. I cover my heart with my hand like I can feel it and hold her gaze until the star-spangled banner has stopped waving over the land of the free and the brave.
And I realize, as I sing the final lines of the anthem, that’s how she makes me feel.
Free.
If only I could find it in myself to be brave.
We draw the game.
It doesn’t burn like a defeat, but we don’t celebrate it as a win either, even though we’d anticipated the outcome.
Still, the energy amongst the boys is high as we stand inside Brynn and Leo’s new kitchen, their three-legged cat, Gordon, scampering around our ankles as Macon and my nieces race each other into the backyard.
It’s a beautiful house. Less modern than the one I’ve purchased next door, but homier and more expensive, which I guess is to be expected when you’re a double-multi-million-dollar-income family.
My sister’s earnings aren’t to be scoffed at when she’s built herself somewhat of a social media dynasty.
The home is Georgian-inspired and reimagined by some fancy-ass architect whose name I can’t remember, with arched terraces, a large pool, and manicured gardens that will soon be destroyed if my nieces have anything to do with it. It’s gorgeous and perfect for my sister and her family.
It’s everything she deserves and everything I’ve always hoped for her.
“Proud of you, Brynn Bear.” I fling an arm around her shoulders and ruffle the top of her head like we’re kids again.
“Thanks.” She grins up at me then extricates herself from my grip. “Does that mean you’re no longer worried about midnight diaper accessibility?”
“There’s a twenty-four-hour Walgreens about a five-minute drive away.”
“Of course you know that.” She snorts. “Bet you can also tell me all the different varieties and brands of diapers they sell there too.”
“Both disposable and cloth.” I nod seriously. “And they have an impressive selection of incontinence products for Leo in his old age.”
She shakes her head. “He’s a year older than you.”
“But he has the mind of an eighty-year-old.”
“Not the hips of one, though.”
“Good god.” I toss my hands in the air and stagger back a step. “Must you tell me these things? As if you guys haven’t already traumatized me enough.”
She sniggers into her glass of red wine. “I’d say I’m sorry, but you know I’m not.”
Her eyes sparkle, and though I know she’s purposely trying to rile me up for her own entertainment, I love the expression on her.
“You look happy.”
She smiles, and it isn’t one of mirth this time but one of peace. “I am.”
“Man, you really don’t need me anymore, do you?
” I say it more to myself than her, and horrifyingly, my eyes start to burn.
I knew it already, of course. But knowing something in a sort of abstract sense is different from realizing it yourself.
It’s different from really accepting it, which, as I’m coming to realize, is something I’ve yet to achieve.
Her eyes water. And I know her tears aren’t for herself but for me. And damn does that make me feel like the shittiest brother in the world. This night is supposed to be about her, and here I am, making it about me.
“I’ll always need my big brother.” She reaches out a hand for mine and wraps her fingers around it. “But maybe not as a protector anymore. Maybe…maybe more like a friend?”
A tear slips free and rolls down my cheek. I wipe it away faster than it appeared, but she sees it anyway.
Jesus Christ. I’ve made a lot of fuckups recently, but crying at a house party is a new low for me.
“What about best friend?” I whisper.
She nods, and I track a couple of her own tears falling from her jaw to the collar of her shirt. “Yeah. Like my best friend.”
Oh, God, it’s really happening. I have to let her go.
Is this what parents feel like when the kids they’ve raised since they were tiny red bundles of fists and kicking feet move away to college?
Is that what I’ve been experiencing in the year since Brynn and Leo got together, a fucked-up version of empty nest syndrome?
“I should pull out of buying the house next door, shouldn’t I?
” Because, let’s be honest, the only reason I viewed it in the first place was so I could be there for her if she needed anything.
Like midnight diaper runs. Or Leo having an affair, which even I can admit is as improbable as a zombie apocalypse.
The man is disgustingly in love with my sister.
But then, I went to see it. And all I could think about as Eden and I walked through the rooms was how perfect it would be for the three of us.
That’s without even taking into account what happened in the laundry room.
And though I’m still not sure if I’ll ever be ready to let go of my fear and have that life for myself, pulling out of the house would mean I’d have to let go of the fantasy too.
And maybe I’m not ready to do that either.
“Only if you want to,” Brynn says. “But I quite like the idea of having my family right next door. And…” Her eyes stray from mine to find Eden across the room, laughing with Aspen about something as she sips from a can of soda.
“It would be good for the girls to have someone to play with. Macon’s an awesome kid. ”
My stomach churns. “Eden and Macon will probably be living in their own place by the time the sale goes through.”
She tips her head to the side and studies me. “Why?”
I shove my hands into the pockets of my dark jeans and shrug. “Because our arrangement will be over by then.”
“So?”
“So there’d be no reason for them to move in here with me.”
She shakes her head with a sad laugh. “I think there would be.”
I don’t know what to say to that, so I let my gaze drift back to Eden and watch as she leans into her sister and whispers something in her ear before giggling.
Fuck, that smile. That laugh. Every time I hear it, I swear my entire body warms like the sound itself is made of sunrays.
She’s wearing the same pink dress and cardigan that she wore to the house showing, the one that sent me fucking feral.
And while I’d love to go over there, throw her over my shoulder, and take her somewhere quiet so I can strip her out of it, the feeling I get when I watch her is the same as the one I saw on Brynn’s face just a few moments ago.
Peace.
“You could have it too, you know?” My sister’s soft voice pulls my attention back to her. “What I’ve found.”
Somehow, that breaks my heart even more, and for the first time, I let myself wonder what that would look like.
Setting my alarm thirty minutes early so I can worship Eden’s body every morning before Macon wakes up for school and I leave for practice.
Stolen kisses in passing. Dinners every night as the three of us.
Holding hands beneath tables, daily debriefs in the shower, knowing looks across crowded rooms, and falling asleep in the sanctuary of each other’s arms.
It strikes me then that we’re not too far from that now.
But assigning a label, making those things real, would bring with it a slew of other things that would ruin us before we really started. Because how could I let myself truly love her without wanting to bundle her in bubble wrap every time she thought about leaving the house?
My fear would encroach on her independence.
I’d be controlling, too afraid of losing her in an accident that I wouldn’t ever let her drive.
I’d be terrified every hour Macon’s at school.
I’d overcook chicken because I’d be scared of giving them salmonella.
I’d be relentless, obsessive, and suffocating.
“No, you wouldn’t.” Brynn’s eyes glitter with tears. “You wouldn’t be any of those things, and do you know how I know?”
I hadn’t meant to say any of that aloud, but I shake my head regardless.
“Because even at your most overbearing, you never behaved that way with me. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.
Yes, you had your moments. You were overly suspicious of people’s intentions with me, you liked to track my progress whenever I traveled anywhere, and we all know how you handled finding out about Leo and me, but you never tried to stop me from living my life.
” She lays her hand on my arm. “The only person you’ve ever done that to is yourself. ”