CHAPTER 9
Ihate Dante. Him, his bodyguards, and his cooks.
Does it make me a bad person to hate Greta too?
She’s done nothing but help me with Finn—mostly by giving me advice—and she’s respected the distance…
Still, I don’t trust her, and I know that if it comes to a choice, she’ll side with that jerk. He is her son, after all.
I’ve wanted to call my mother and Tara, but there isn’t a bloody phone nearby. I’ve also tried to escape, but with Finn being so little—and big at the same time—would be difficult to do it without drawing the attention of either the guards at the entrance or the psycho who is holding me captive.
Dante tells me daily that he’s going out. When he does, I look out the window to see if I can walk around the house without bumping into him. I boil with rage when I find him looking at my window. And when he raises his hand to wave goodbye, an uncomfortable ache bubbles up in my stomach.
I missed him climbing up almost every night; now, if I ever find he does that, I’ll scream at the top of my lungs.
On one of my expeditions inside the house, I came across a room full of sexual items. If I ever talk to him, I’ll have to demand that he lock the door. I don’t want to risk Finn coming in and seeing his perversions.
I leave the house and follow the concrete path until I reach a gazebo.
A few metres away, surrounded by a fence, is a large swimming pool.
From here, I get a glimpse of the entrance to the grounds, a stable, more animals, and a greenhouse.
The place is gigantic. There is even a forest nearby.
Greta told me it was there when they built the house, and her husband didn’t want to get rid of it.
The stable is what I enjoy watching the most, especially when Dante is grooming the biggest and most terrifying horse I have ever seen in my life. Although I haven’t seen many horses, only on television.
He thinks he goes unnoticed when he arrives, but I hover far away from him. Sometimes he rides his horse, sometimes he walks around until he reaches the farm… or he keeps staring at us from afar like a stalker.
Can’t he be a normal guy with a giant house who enjoys having animals around? That would be nicer.
I lean back into one of the chairs. Finn is sleeping on my chest. The sound of the leaves moving, the wind, and his deep breathing soothe me.
This could have been my life.
I’d like to forgive him; I’d like to have reasons to, but he’s as disgusting as every man I’ve encountered. I heard him; I saw his texts. I can’t stop playing them in my head, or the things he told me the last night we were together.
“Ti amerò anche quando il mio cuore smetterà di battere.”
I have no idea what that means. I wonder if he was messing with me, and if he was, it would break my heart again, because the way he looked at me that day, how he held me in his warm arms, how I felt… It couldn’t have been a lie.
But he is. A liar, I mean. He’s a damn liar, and all he knows is to play with you until he gets bored.
He tricked me for three months. How long will it take him to get rid of me this time?
Dante didn’t kill Stefan to save me; he did it out of selfishness because he was an obstacle. Otherwise, why did he wait until now? Couldn’t he have killed my husband on our wedding day?
He didn’t love me or care for me, and that became clear to me at my wedding reception, when he cheered for us with a smile plastered on his face. If he had loved me, he would have stopped the dance; he would have caused chaos...
But he didn’t. I wasn’t worth the trouble.
If his actions weeks ago had been because of me, he would not have taken so long.
If he loved me, he would not have let Stefan abuse me as he did.
He wouldn’t have sent those messages, nor left me alone on the day Finn was born.
He would not have allowed Stefan to get me pregnant during our honeymoon.
I wanted Dante’s children. I wanted him as the father of my babies, not Stefan.
During my pregnancy, I thought I would hate Finn with all my heart because he was the son of the man who bought me.
I tried to get rid of him; I tried to kill myself…
I hated the idea of bringing a baby into a family that would be bad for him, more than I hated the idea of seeing Stefan’s face every day for the rest of my life in my son.
I thought I would have been disgusted by him; I thought he would hate me, like his father; I thought he was going to be a burden, but once I felt him moving inside me, everything changed.
I didn’t care if he looked like his father; I didn’t care if he turned out like him; he was a baby, my baby, and I was his everything.
He had no one but me, and I was not going to turn my back on him.
I worried about what my child would go through if I could not get him out of this life.
I was terrified at the idea of him being a little girl, even though I had always fantasised about one when I was with Dante…
but I loved him. I tried to tell myself I did not, so it would hurt less, but I caved.
I hope I can raise him to be someone far better than every man I know.
Even better than the Dante I fell in love with.
He was everything to me, and someday I want him to worship his partner just as Dante worshipped me.
We all deserve someone who is crazy about us.
I only hope the one—girl or boy—does not mistreat him simply because he is in love.
No one deserves to be heartbroken after giving everything to the one they love.
Finn wakes up. I place him on my lap and grab his little hands. He laughs as I talk to him in a silly voice. It is all I’ve been doing these days: finding comfort in the love I have for my baby.
I hate this, but I can't make him live as a prisoner too. I won’t raise him how they raised me.
I will do my best to pretend around him.
I will pretend everything is okay. I will apply makeup to conceal my bruises, cleanse my tear-streaked face, and hold back my sobs…
Just like my mum tried to do when I was growing up, it was almost impossible to keep a secret like that with a man like my father. He beat us all and kept us on a leash.
How am I supposed to fight Dante if the time comes? How could I pretend when he lashes his rage at me?
The engine of a car in the driveway interrupts the silence.
I sigh. “Fun is over, little monster.”
I leave him on the ground so he can crawl around.
Over the past few weeks, I have been letting him experiment with his environment and food.
Greta suggested it one day after she found me struggling to keep Finn clean.
She said it was part of growing up, and it was okay; anyway, he needs more clothes.
Speaking of which, Dante brought us our clothes, or ones that look like them, two days after we came here. There were also clothes I had never seen… and cosy pyjamas for me.
I hate him.
At a slow pace, I move ahead. I am hoping Finn will get up and walk towards me, but so far, he has given no signs of wanting to do so unless I am holding his hand. All he does is crawl fast while giggling and drooling.
He is the only reason I smile in this house.
It has been almost two months since I arrived.
His birthday is in a week. These days, I’ve realised that Stefan’s death did not affect me as much as I thought it would.
I didn’t mourn him. He is, after all, another one of my abusers.
Yes, I feel sorry for Finn; he’ll grow up without a father, but I can't say I am sad about that.
It is nice to see my body without bruises—though I know it will not last long—to feel no pain from his beatings, and to have no one waking me up in the middle of the night because he wants to use me, even though I am tired or sore, even if I am with my baby beside me.
I was always a sex toy for him. A nuisance that gave him a child. A burden that deserved to be beaten. An object that only served as a cum dump, as he said. A liability that took money from him.
Going from a beautiful relationship to something like that in a heartbeat is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me.
Dante made me touch the sky, but he also let me fall into a tailspin without protection.
He did what it took to own me, and on our wedding day, he threw me away like rubbish.
And yet, it is not enough for me to hate him with all my might.
Perhaps the old Lana, the one who did not have an extra life to care for, would’ve believed the lies.
Maybe she would’ve been okay with being part of his game.
It would be easier to go along with the illusion.
But now I know who he really is. I know how he earned all his money and everything he does when he is gone.
He is a human trafficker and a killer, and I can't have Finn anywhere near a person like that.
I would not be surprised if one day, when he gets bored with all this, he decides to sell us out, the way he said his people do.
I need to talk to my mother. She knows best.
Does she?
Do you have to be so annoying?
We reach the porch, but Finn is still crawling across the lawn with a smile that brings me to life. I can’t interrupt him.
Dante gets out of the car and approaches us. Finn changes his direction as soon as he spots him.
Something—I can’t tell if it’s fear, excitement, or exhaustion—makes me unable to move as my son crawls towards him.
Dante looks tired and sad, a bit angry too, but his gaze fixes on Finn as they both approach each other. His face softens, and his steps slow down as soon as he spots my little monster moving closer to him.
What is bothering him? Why is he sad?
Why do you care? We must not fall into his clutches again.
Right.
Dante squats with a weary smile.
And my son stands up and takes unsteady steps toward the man I despise.