CHAPTER 21
This will be harder than I thought. She’s too far gone. Her family got into her head just enough to erase everything I did.
When I met her, she already had PTSD, yet she bet everything on me. She trusted me because I made promises to her; I gave her a chance no one else had offered.
Having a real relationship with her wasn’t in my plans—at least not at first. I wanted her to trust me.
I wanted her to rely on me. I wanted to wait until we were married to talk to her about having sex, and even if she hadn’t been ready, I would’ve waited…
but she wanted it, and now that fucked us both.
She developed complex PTSD, which is harder to treat and even harder to live with. She’ll think she doesn’t deserve me, but she’ll still want me, and then she’ll push me away because she doesn’t want to get hurt again. On top of that, there are all the lies they’ve told her.
This won’t end tomorrow, or in a month, or in a year.
Her condition will persist—it doesn’t matter what I do or how I manage to help her—and it breaks me because they did that to her.
She has to go to therapy, and I can’t fucking take her out of here because she’ll be in danger as long as I don’t find her family or deal with Declan.
If we have a routine, we’re going to be ambushed.
The worst part is, if I ever win her trust back, the smallest trouble we face as a couple will feel like betrayal to her, and she’ll hate me all over again.
But I won’t give up. I will never give up on her. She deserves love, no matter what’s going on inside her head, no matter how much she hates me, how much she hurts me. She deserves someone to be there for her.
Mom sets a cup of tea in front of me.
“What’s wrong, cucciolo?”
A knot forms in my throat, and I rub my eyes. I haven’t slept in two days. I know I should rest, especially after Lana nearly killed me, but I need to know if she’s okay. I need to see her sleep at night.
I need her.
Mom hugs my neck, just like when I was a little kid struggling with my homework.
“Go to sleep, Dante. This is no good for you.”
“I need to get her back.”
“I know.”
“And she hates me.” My voice cracks. “She doesn’t want me. I don’t know how to make her trust me again.”
I hate them so much for breaking our relationship. For breaking us. It’s maddening to know exactly how Lana feels and still be powerless to do anything about it. It’s frustrating because for months I needed her, and I couldn’t have her. Or Finn. They took everything from me, and I’m exhausted.
Fuck!
Mom kneels in front of me and cups my face in her hands.
“Tell her the truth. Tell her what happened—everything they did to you. She’ll understand.”
“It’s too much. She won’t handle it.”
“She will.”
I shake my head.
“She needs her mom. I need to do something to show her she can trust me, but I… I don’t know how.”
“You need to tell her the truth, Dante. Will it hurt? Yes. It always does. But she’ll understand. She’ll forgive you… she loves you just as much as you love her.”
“She thinks I’m one of them.”
That’s what hurts the most. I can’t take care of my family because they brainwashed her into believing I’m the same as them.
“She’s hurt, but all wounds heal with time, son.”
“How much time?” I wipe my face. “I lost Finn’s first year. I wanted to take care of them, and I lost my chance. I didn’t… she went through all of it alone!”
“I know, but now she has us. She won’t be alone again. She just has to go to therapy and—”
“I can’t. Not yet. Everyone is looking for her. I fucked up, Mom. I really did. She was already a Noskov. Stefan, Alexei… once you mess with them, you can’t get out, and I killed them! Her father is looking for her; he has the Irish working on it, and—”
“You’re not a superhero, Dante. You’re a human being. Stop worrying about that for one second and—”
“I can’t! I can’t lose them again. I just can’t!”
I already lost my dad because I was useless; I can’t repeat that with my family.
Giacomo, my biological father—the same man who sold my mom, Aurora—told me I didn’t deserve to be loved or to have a family. I refuse to believe he was right. He wasn’t. I have a family; I have my mom… But my dad died because of me, and now my fiancée hates me because of something I didn’t do.
What if the wound is too deep? If she can’t love me again?
No. She must. We must get back what we had…
“You’re tired, cucciolo,” Mom repeats. “Go to sleep.”
“I need—”
“To rest. Your father didn’t spend more than a day without sleep, even during rescues. You must be responsible.”
“He didn’t have insomnia.”
“You’re not taking your meds?” she huffs. “Of course not. How else would you be sneaking into her room at night? For crying out loud, Dante!”
“You knew?”
“Of course I knew. I’m your mother!”
I huff and shake my head, rubbing my eyes.
“She needs me… I… I need her, Mom. I’m so tired of this.”
I can’t believe I’m crying over her shoulder again, like when I was a little kid.
She pats my head. “I know, cucciolo. She also needs you, but you both need time. Now go and rest. You’ll think better that way—you’re extremely sensitive today.”
“I have to work.”
“They can handle things on their own, and you know it. Stop making up excuses, or I’ll lock you in your room until you get enough sleep.”
I huff and shake my head.
“You’ll take care of her?”
“Yes. We’ve been studying. I might show her the ranch today; I don’t know.”
I nod and stand up.
“Could you… say nice things about me, please?”
She smiles sadly. “Of course, love. Now go. Stop arguing, or I swear I’ll lock you up.”
I smile back and kiss her cheek before I take a sleeping pill. Then I go upstairs to my room.
I pause outside Lana’s bedroom door. She looks at me with pure hatred in her eyes—the same ones that once looked at me with so much love I thought I didn’t deserve it.
Maybe I didn’t.
“You lost something?” she snaps.
I’m so tired. The idea of kneeling in front of her and begging for her forgiveness for things I didn’t do looks tempting… but she doesn’t need to pity me.
She’ll understand.
I keep walking to my room. I feel dizzy.
Time. We need time.
We need…
I barely make it to bed.