CHAPTER 23
“Victoria,” she answers in an emotionless tone.
My eyes well up with tears, and my heart flutters. I spent two hours calling her number. I thought something had happened to her, but I couldn’t give up—I needed to hear her voice.
“It’s Lana.”
“Lana?” she shrieks, then lowers her voice to a whisper. “Where are you? Are they holding you hostage? Are you okay?”
A shaky chuckle escapes me as I sniffle.
“I’m fine, Mum, don’t worry. I just wanted to hear you. I lost my phone and—”
“Where are you? Your father and—”
“I don’t know.” The words sting. It’s tempting to ask her for help, but Dante’s right—I wouldn’t be safe anywhere else. My father might even hurt Finn just to hurt me, as he did with my mum and me. “I’m fine, though. And Finn’s okay too. He turned one last week.”
“You’re really safe? Where are you, mo chroí?”15
I close my eyes. “I’m really safe… but I’m not so sure. It’s complicated.”
I bite my nails. I’d managed to keep them healthy for three months, but after stabbing Dante, I started again.
“Are you by any chance with Dante?”
Heat rushes to my face. “I-I heard you’re hiding. Why? What happened? And why is this such a mess?”
She sighs.
“Your father and Stefan trusted the wrong people. We’ve been on the run, changing numbers, addresses…”
My stomach clenches. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about us. Take care of Finn and your life. You’re free now!”
I frown. “What?”
“You’re dead,” she says, thrilled. “You’ll stay dead. Your secret is safe.”
“B-but you know Dad. He’ll see your phone, ask who tried to contact you, and—”
“And if your father mentions anything, I’ll steal one of his guns and blow his head off myself,” she whispers, low and deadly.
A snort slips out of me. She won’t—but I appreciate the thought.
“Thank you, Mum.” I take a deep breath. “Please talk to me when it’s safe.”
“I’ll call you often. Please do not call me. Stay safe.”
And then she hangs up.
I stare up at the ceiling. Finn babbles beside me, smacking his toys together.
Lana Müller is gone.
It’s what I wanted... but what am I supposed to do now?
Stay locked up for the rest of my life? Accept whatever Dante offers me?
I have nothing. No job, no skills, no future.
And with Finn… Oh, God, with Finn, everything is ten times harder.
I can’t leave him in daycare—I can’t trust a place like that.
If anything happened to him, I wouldn’t know what to do or whom to turn to. It would destroy us both.
I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t know how to live alone, either.
No education. No family support. No friends. Just us. Maybe I could lean on Dante for a while—
No. What are you thinking? He’s the reason you’re stuck here in the first place. You can’t trust him with Finn.
But I can use him until I figure out what to do.
I wait until Finn is asleep in his cot before slipping into my bathroom and dialling Tara’s number.
She answers right away.
“I said I’m not interested in—”
“Tara, it’s me.”
“Oh, my God!” There’s a noise on her end, then the sound of a door slamming shut. “Lana? Are you okay? Mum said—”
“Yes. I… it was a misunderstanding, I think. Or something like that. Anyway, Stefan is dead.”
“I know! And I’m glad! That bastard. I asked Declan to beat him up if they ever met.”
I huff a laugh and sit on the floor, close to the bathtub. I shut my eyes. My father beat me against one of those once, and since then, I don’t really feel comfortable near them.
I wipe my tears away.
“You’re okay? Declan treats you right?”
“Just right?” She laughs. “I’m his princess. He’s far better than Stefan and Dad together.”
“I’m glad to hear that… I miss you.”
“Can’t you come now that he’s dead? I… I miss you too. I could arrange things so you’d be comfortable with Finn.”
“No, I’m… He gave me a phone, but I’m still kidnapped, one way or another. I have no idea what I can or can’t do.”
She sighs. “And who is he? Are you fucking him?”
I blush.
“Tara!”
“Good sex is necessary to have a good life. If he’s keeping you safe, you could—”
“I’m not having sex with my captor.” Though I did something similar. “I don’t know who he is,” I lie. “He hasn’t told me, and I don’t care, honestly. I just want to keep Finn safe.”
“I thought Dante might have got his revenge after all.” She sighs. “I could ask Declan to go and rescue your arse. I could use some company.”
I bite my lip. It’s tempting, but I’ve grown attached to Greta, and she’s grown attached to my son.
“I don’t even know where I am… Don’t tell him you know I’m alive! Remember, us talking was a secret between—”
“Yeah, yeah. Mum wanted us to have each other in case Dad loses his marbles.” She sighs. “I can’t understand why she doesn’t just kill him.”
“You know why.”
And now I understand why she never stood up for us. Being in that kind of relationship makes you useless, scared of your own shadow. And if we did kill our husbands, we’d end up being traded as nothing. Our children would also suffer, and that would be the worst outcome.
It’s far worse to kill them than to endure their torture.
“I would ask Declan to protect her.”
“And you think he would?”
“I think he would do anything for me.”
As much as I’d like to believe that , I don’t.
Something makes noise in the bedroom, and I assume Finn is waking up, so I sigh. “I have to go. Don’t be a stranger.”
“Give Finn many kisses from his aunty! I hope I can meet him soon.”
“I hope so. I love you, Tara.”
“Love you too. Call me if you need anything.”
I hang up and stay there for a few moments, hugging my legs.
I hope she’s not lying about her and Declan, and she’s genuinely happy. Mum always wanted us to be free and safe. Maybe Tara is the one. Maybe I’m the one destined to suffer.
What if I do give him a chance? What if one day I go to sleep with him, and the next he brings Finn’s head to me? I couldn’t take it. I can’t trust him like that. I want to, but I just can’t.
Why am I so broken? Why can’t I be the same Lana he met almost two years ago? Why am I so fucked up? And why would he still want me?
I can’t understand why someone would want something as broken as me. No one wants something shattered or used.
I sigh and stand up.
I’m tired of being trapped in my own head, so once and for all, I’ll do whatever I want to.
One of these days, I will stop listening to that voice that messes with me.
Notes:
15. Irish for My heart.