Forty-Three
Kat
Iris – The Goo Goo Dolls
My hands rest in my lap. They’re still. Too still.
Nausea roils in my stomach, and I feel dizzy.
I swore to myself when I left that I would never tell the story, I would never put someone in danger by having them know too much.
But here I am, my entire dirty soul laid bare before this man. This man that I can’t even look at.
The silence stretches between us, thick and suffocating.
It’s worse than the confession itself. I can feel Elias looking at me, the weight of his gaze pressing into my skin making me shrivel even more.
I brace myself for the impact I’m sure is coming.
The moment he realizes what I am. The moment he realizes I’m too broken for him. I wouldn’t blame him.
“How long?” he asks, and I finally look at him.
The expression on his face makes my breath hitch.
I expected an expression of pity, disgust, or even horror.
But I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect fury.
He sits opposite me. Unmoving, but his fists are clenched in his lap so hard his knuckles turn pale.
I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out.
It’s a simple question, but the answer is lodged in my throat.
“How long did he hurt you for?” he asks, firmer now.
“Three years,” I whisper. My eyes drop to the floor , tracing the same knots in the wood over and over again.
“It wasn’t always like that, though. We met at a bar.
” A breathy, humorless laugh leaves me. “I was a little different back then. I was young and easier to impress, and he had a bike,” I shrug weakly.
“That’s what caught my attention first.”
The scene plays out in front of me like I’m there again. The dim lights, the same four rock songs on repeat all night. But what sticks the most is the way he leaned against the bar and looked at me like we were the only two people in the room. And how quickly I fell for it.
“He was charming, he always made me feel special. He took me on dates, brought me flowers, remembered things I said.” My fingers curl into the comforter. “He did everything right. Everything you’re supposed to do when you love someone.”
I feel Elias stiffen in front of me, but I don’t look up. If I do, I might stop.
“It started small.” My voice drops. “He liked me in dresses. Said I looked prettier with my hair down. He didn’t like it when I went out without telling him first.” I swallow, despite the dryness in my mouth.
“I didn’t question it, I just thought that’s what relationships are, right?
Compromise.” My throat tightens as I struggle through the words, but I push through despite the hoarseness in my voice.
“So I changed. Bit by bit, little by little. I stopped wearing what I liked. I stopped going places he didn’t approve of, and started apologizing for things I didn’t understand.
” A hollow laugh slips out. “But it was never enough.”
Elias gently takes my hands in his, offering me an anchor to the present while I lose myself in the worst years of my fucking life.
“It got worse. Gradually at first, until he realized I’d lost all my fight, and then it happened all at once.
For two years, he broke me down until there was nothing left that wasn’t touched by him.
” My voice is quieter now. “He’d hit me, rape me, drug me when I wouldn’t listen and take whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.
” I force the next words out. “He didn’t want a girlfriend. He wanted something he could possess.”
I inhale until my lungs burn, my hands shake in Elias’s grip, but he holds them firm.
“One night he told me he wanted me to meet his club. Properly.” I take a deep breath, but the air doesn’t quite fill my lungs.
“I thought it was a good thing. I thought he wanted to show me off to his friends.” A faint bitter edge creeps into my voice.
“They weren’t what I expected. There was more going on than just bikes but I trusted him.
So I stayed.” I pause for a moment. “And then I couldn’t leave. ”
“You don’t have to tell me, Kat,” Elias whispers, his thumb tracing circles over the back of my hand.
“Please, Elias,” I pull one hand out of his grip and hold it up, gesturing for him to stop.
“That’s when I realized what the Iron Angels really were.
” I continue. “They were a club, yes. But they were so much more. There were drugs, trafficking, and deals happening right in front of me like it was nothing. Like I was nothing. And by then I wasn’t just around it.
” I curl my fingers tighter around his. “I was part of it.” I pause, taking a deep inhale.
“I had no one, Elias.” My voice softens and cracks at the edges.
“My parents were gone. My grandmother…” I hesitate, heaviness sitting on my chest with the words that need to be said. “She died a month before I met him.”
I look up at him now, and pain slashes through his features. But he doesn’t say anything, he just lets me continue.
“He knew that. I see it now. He saw someone alone and grieving and easy. But I didn’t know then, I just thought he cared.
” My gaze drops again, fixing on a loose thread on the comforter.
I start twisting it around my free hand over and over.
“I’m just thankful…” My voice falters before steadying again.
“I got Freddie out before it got worse. Before—”
The room goes completely still, like the sands of time themselves have stopped.
He doesn’t say anything—I can’t even hear a breath.
I’m not brave enough to look at him. I twist my fingers together.
The nausea threatens to surface. The silence stretches again, my ears ringing.
One second. Two. Three. My chest tightens with every heartbeat before it overwhelms me.
Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all. Maybe—
“I’m so sorry,” I cry out abruptly, hot tears streaming down my face.
The apology burst out of me before I can stop it.
Shame has worked its way into every fiber of my being for so long now that an apology is automatic.
My body shakes with sobs and I’m vaguely aware of movement before Elias is on his knees in front of me.
He moves his face into my view, his brows knitted with concern.
He cups my jaw, his thumb rubbing gently over my cheek.
“Don’t ever be sorry, Kat. Ever.” His voice isn’t soft—it’s firm. The same voice I’ve heard him use when taking business calls.
“You didn’t sign up for this.”
“No, I signed up for you and everything that comes with that. It’s all for you, Kat.” His thumb stills on my cheek, and his jaw tightens. “Three years,” he says quietly. “Three years that bastard thought he owned you.”
I close my eyes and let my head fall into his palm. My tears pool as he continues stroking my cheek.
“He won’t be the first person I kill, but he will be the one I take the most pleasure in.”
My spine stiffens. Something deep inside me settles low in my stomach. Something I haven’t felt in a long time.
Control.
“No,” I say, standing up from the bed. “It has to be me.”
My voice doesn’t sound like mine.
I walk across the room to the window. For years the only goal was to survive before I begged for death. Then it was to escape, then to stay hidden. The thought of revenge has never crossed my mind—revenge is something people stronger than me get to fantasize about.
I watch the quiet residential street as if I’m seeing it for the first time.
A mother holding the back of her child’s bicycle, the child glancing back with a smile.
Further down the street, a husband kisses his wife before getting into his car.
Cars drive slowly past, going about their days without pause. I want that. I deserve that.
Owen took everything from me. My freedom.
My music. My fucking life. For over a year, I’ve deluded myself into thinking I was free.
I was never free—it was always an illusion.
I’ve been running like a mouse from a cat.
A mouse waiting to be caught. A mouse waiting to die. And I’m so fucking tired of running.
“Owen took three years of my life. For three years I was drugged, raped, trafficked, and beaten both physically and mentally.” I take a breath, letting the curtain fall closed.
“He took everything from me and I’ve spent the past year trying to claw back pieces of myself.
But in reality, I’ll never be who I was. I will never be whole again.”
I’ve never said those words aloud. I push their memory from my mind as soon as it enters because it’s too fucking painful.
They feel like facts from someone else’s life.
I let a silent tear fall down my cheek. Elias is there instantly, wiping it away.
He doesn’t say anything, he just gives me the space to continue.
“I’ve spent the last fifteen months of my life on the run from him.
I have to wear a fucking cowl to perform because I can’t risk being seen playing music—the one fucking thing that brought me joy.
” I ball my fists at my side, leaving deep crescents in my palms. “He broke me. Completely ruined me. I faked my death. That bought me time, but that time is now running out. I won’t know peace until I know he’s dead. ”
My breathing is shallow and ragged as I let the words hang in the air. Resolve settles within me. I have to do this. But more importantly, I feel strong enough to do this with Elias by my side.
I look up at Elias. What I find when I look in his eyes could level the city. Pride. Not pity or sadness. Pride. For once, I let the pride inside myself shine through.
I’m proud of myself.
“I’ll be right there by your side,” he tells me while taking my hand, his warmth seeping into my skin. His grip on my hand tightens. “And if you want to be the one to end him, then I’ll make sure you get the chance.”
My heart stutters in my chest. “You think I can do it?” I whisper.
“Kat,” he says with a soft huff. “You survived him. You escaped him. You rebuilt your entire life while on the run. And you’re asking me if you’re strong enough to pull a trigger?”
“I guess so,”
“Kat, you’re the strongest person I know,” he says, pressing my hand to his chest. “This heart beats only for you. And if you want to snuff out the source of your darkness, I’ll be the light that stands beside you.
Every ounce of fucking blood in these veins belongs to you.
You own every fiber of me. Every stained part of my soul is yours.
Forever and always, until day becomes eternal night. Yours.”
My heart swells in my chest as a small sob escapes. I fist his shirt and pull him towards me. Our kiss isn’t frantic or wanting. It’s a kiss of acceptance. He gave me his soul, and I’m pouring mine into this kiss. Everything I am. Everything I ever will be.
I guide him to the bed, our lips never parting for a second.
“I love you, Kat,” he whispers as he enters me.
My chest swells with the weight of the day. I bared everything to this man, and he still loves me. Acceptance and love. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. And now I have it.
We finish together as tears fall from my eyes. Happy tears. Tears I never thought I’d shed again. He kisses them from my cheeks, and I let myself drift away into peace as I fall asleep in the arms of the man I love.