Chapter 19
Sawyer
As I double-check the anchor to make sure we won’t drift out of the small cove we’re stopping in for the night, my thoughts are on Anastasia. She’s downstairs in the cabin, where she’s been ever since we pulled away from the dock four hours ago.
Zane had stood there watching, hands in his pockets.
I can only imagine how hard it was to watch us pull away.
But we all agree—it’s the only way to truly make sure she’s safe.
We’ll make our way up the coast for now, headed in the direction of Hope Springs, Maine.
If they haven’t managed to catch the guy yet, then we’ll remain docked at a marina there.
The guys of Knight Security are expecting us, and Lance Knight and his wife, Eliza, have offered us the small apartment of the lighthouse they work out of. As long as we need it.
If they have caught the guy, then we turn around and head home.
It’s a two-week journey by boat. So I can only hope they’ve managed to catch this monster by then. Not because I don’t want to be here with Anastasia but because I do. I promised Zane I’d keep her safe, and we both know he didn’t just mean from danger.
He was asking if I’d respect her boundaries, and the answer to that is also an unequivocal yes. Anastasia is safe with me—mind, body, and heart.
As soon as I’m sure we’re secure, I head toward the cabin door and step down into the kitchen and dining room. The stack of blankets I’d set on the couch when I first got to the boat has been used to make the convertible couch into a bed for me.
The kitchen is empty, but the door leading down into the bedroom is partially open. I gently push the door open and peer inside.
“Hey,” Anastasia says, looking up from the Bible in her hands.
“Hey.” I push the door open all the way and head down the steps, then slide both hands into my pockets. My shoulder still aches from where it was dislocated last week, and I probably should have kept my sling on, but only having one usable arm makes me feel far too vulnerable.
Plus, it’s not the first time I’ve had my shoulder reset and not been able to use a sling for the recommended amount of time. Four years ago, Weston popped it back into place, and we finished a three-day mission in a secluded jungle as we hunted down the head of a narcotics ring.
Anastasia is leaning back against the headboard, wearing black leggings and a cream-colored sweatshirt. Her toes are painted the same pink as her fingernails, and are a bright splash of color against the black comforter.
I want to ask her if she’s okay, but I’d promised her I wouldn’t. Still, things have changed since that conversation. Our entire world has shifted.
“I’m sorry.”
Anastasia crosses her legs and pats the spot beside her for me to come take a seat. “For what?”
I don’t move from where I am, though. Not until I know we’re okay. “This. Not siding with you when you said you wanted to stay.”
She looks away from me for a moment, clearly contemplating how to respond. My stomach twists into nervous knots while I wait. “I always liked being on the water,” she finally says.
Not a clear response. “Are you angry with me?” It’s something I can live with because it means she’s alive to feel. But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.
“No, Sawyer. I’m not angry with you,” she says softly, then pats the bed beside her again. This time, I cross the room toward her and take a seat on the edge to lean back against the headboard right alongside her. “Where are we headed?” she asks.
“Maine.”
“Maine?”
I nod. “We have some friends up there. Private security guys. Ryker works for them occasionally.”
“But that’s got to be at least a week, right?”
“Two,” I tell her. “I’m hoping we get word that they caught this guy and we can turn around. But for now, that’s where we’re headed.”
“Wow. Two weeks out on the open water with you.” She nudges me with her shoulder. “It’s almost enough to make a girl forget everything she had to leave behind.”
I look over at her, our gazes locking. How I could drown in her eyes and die a happy man. Which is why I cannot help but despise myself just a bit for the lines I’m about to draw. “As excited as I am, too, we have to keep things friend-based.”
She arches a brow. “Oh?”
“I promised Zane, I’d keep you safe.”
“I didn’t realize that meant you had to friend-zone yourself.”
Chuckling, I shake my head. “Woman, you are going to be the death of me.”
She bats those long, dark lashes at me. “Why is that?”
“Because I know myself. I’ve got buckets of self-control, but where you’re concerned—”
“Seems to me you’ve shown exemplary self-control for nearly seven years when it comes to me.”
I smirk at her. “That was before I had a taste of what I was missing.”
She smiles, and I’m so happy to see she’s not the least bit bothered by what I’m asking of her, or the pause I’m putting on our still-new relationship. “Fair enough, Maddox. Friends, then?”
“For now, Knox,” I say. “Wow. I might be the only guy in the history of the world that finally moved out of the dreaded friend zone, only to kick the door open and board myself right back in.”
“You’re a real trailblazer.” Anastasia drops her head to my shoulder and lets out a sigh. “I miss my cat.”
“I wanted to bring him, but it didn’t seem smart. Just in case we have to leave quickly.”
“That was a smart choice. He’ll be safe with my mom.” Her tone is so full of pain. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Violet before.” She raises her head and draws her knees up against her chest.
The brokenness on her face guts me. “You don’t have to apologize for that.”
“I tried so hard to push that night out of my mind. To focus only on the good memories I had of her. The sleepovers, phone calls where our brothers would get on the other line and make fun of us.” She laughs softly, but there are tears in her eyes.
“I still have nightmares sometimes. They’re rare now, but every now and then, I’ll be back in that car.
The stench of gasoline and copper tang of blood in the air. ”
“I’m so sorry, Anastasia.” But it doesn’t feel like enough. Nothing feels like enough to soothe the ache in her heart. Lord, please help her. You know what she needs, God, and I know that You are here even in her brokenness. I pray for Your help in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
“Thanks for not being mad that I kept it from you.”
“What kind of man would I be if I was?” I ask honestly. Everyone has their secrets. Those dark parts of themselves that they want to keep shielded from the rest of the world. Hidden pain, broken promises, those heartbreaking moments we walked away from, bruised and bloodied.
“I’m grateful for you.” She turns her face to look at me, so I reach up and cup her cheek, then lean forward and rest my forehead against hers.
“I feel the same about you, Anastasia.”
I love you, I long to say. But until we’re in a place where what’s between us can move forward, I have to keep that declaration to myself. Because once I say those words out loud, there will be no going back.
“Lunch is served.” Anastasia hands me a sandwich wrapped in a cloth napkin.
“You are my hero, Knox,” I say with a wide grin.
“I try.” She smiles, something that seems to be coming to her a bit easier today. “Will you do the honors?”
“Absolutely.” Since I’m guiding the boat and need to stay safe, I keep my eyes open but bow my head slightly. “Heavenly Father, we thank You for this food. Please let it nourish our bodies, Lord, and bless the hands that prepared it. I pray this in the name of Jesus. Amen.”
“Amen.” She takes an almost comical bite out of the sandwich, then takes a seat in the chair next to mine. “How goes it, Captain Maddox?” Dressed in shorts and a long button-down, she’s a sight to behold.
It’s a fight to keep my gaze straight ahead where it belongs.
“It’s going. There’ve been a few fishing boats here and there, but nothing to write home about. How about you?”
“I finished a book.”
“Already? Didn’t you just start it?”
“Yes.” She beams at me. “It’s been a long time since I was able to sit and read.”
“And you finished.”
“Yes.”
“It’s only lunch time.”
She laughs softly. “I’m a fast reader.”
“Understatement.” I take a bite of the turkey and cheese, my stomach growling as I do. Since I wanted to get an early start, I skipped breakfast, opting for coffee only when Anastasia woke and brought me some.
The more distance we put between Stormwatch Landing and us, the safer she is.
“What was the book about?” I ask, curiously. Since I’m not a big reader myself, I have absolutely no clue what books are popular right now.
“Do you really want to hear?” she asks.
I glance over at her. “If you’ll share.”
“Of course. I just—you’re the first ‘friend’ I’ve had who cares enough to ask.”
I grin. “I’m one of a kind, baby.”
“Isn’t that the truth?” she replies.
Our gazes hold a moment. Has she always been this beautiful? Of course, I know the answer: Yes. Anastasia is the kind of beauty that knocks the breath from your lungs. Because her beauty also radiates from the love she carries in her heart. It’s far deeper than the surface.
I love you. I long to say it. How am I supposed to keep it to myself?
She looks away. “It’s a romance. Super sappy, absolutely adorable. Guy falls for girl, breaks girl’s heart, then fixes it.”
“Sounds dramatic.”
She laughs. “It is, but I like it.”
“Why?” The question isn’t meant to offend, I’m just genuinely curious. Thankfully, Anastasia doesn’t seem to take it as anything more than the inquiry it is.
“Honestly, I love the fall. You know, that moment when two people realize they’re absolutely perfect for each other?”
“It’s a feeling I know quite well.”
She smiles. “Well, in books, they don’t have to pause their relationship because a crazed psycho is after them. At least not in the one I finished this morning.” Her smile falls just a bit, and we’re left with only the muted sounds of the boat to keep us company.