Chapter 15
Pid glanced over at Monica, standing in his kitchen.
She was looking down at her phone with a small grin on her face.
Since Kenna’s bachelorette sleepover two nights ago, her phone had pinged nonstop with text messages.
Kenna had apparently made a group text and put everyone in it, and they messaged each other constantly.
Monica didn’t join in very often, as far as he could tell, but the happy look on her face made it clear that she liked being included.
“What are they talking about now?” he asked.
Monica looked at him, and her smile grew. Pid was drawn to her like a plant to the sun. He approached her, reaching up and tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. He couldn’t keep his hands off her these days, and thankfully she didn’t seem to mind.
“Kenna said she wanted to make custom hula dolls that looked like her and Aleck to hand out as party favors,” Monica said.
Pid rolled his eyes. The ubiquitous hula dolls that were so popular with tourists were ridiculous. Despite that, he’d put the one Monica had bought for him on his dash, even though he’d planned to put it in his kitchen, swearing it wouldn’t get within twenty feet of his minivan.
He chuckled. “I bet Aleck vetoed that idea,” he said.
Monica cocked her head in question. “He did. How did you know?”
“Because the last thing I’d want is anyone putting a half-naked hula doll, wearing your face, on their dash to stare at all day.”
Monica laughed.
That was another thing that thrilled him. Mo laughed more often these days. When he’d first met her, she barely ever cracked a smile. Now she smiled and chuckled all the time. It was a thing of beauty.
“What?” she asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because you’re so damn beautiful.”
She blushed. “Whatever.”
“You are,” he insisted. “And I’m so very glad you’re still here.” He wanted to ask if she’d heard anything else from her employer about a new position, but honestly, he didn’t want to know. “You about ready to go?”
He was dropping her off at the Head Start Child Care Center on his way into work, and they needed to get going if he wanted to get to the base on time.
She’d agreed to volunteer for the time being, and Pid knew being with the children would relax her even more.
She was like a flower finally getting the nourishment she needed to blossom.
“I’m ready. Stuart?”
“Yeah?”
She looked over his shoulder, down at her phone, then at the center of his chest before she took a deep breath and said, “I like it here.”
Pid reached out and put a finger under her chin, tilting her head up until she met his gaze. “I’m glad.”
“I didn’t think I would. I mean, I enjoyed visiting other countries and experiencing new cultures.
But Hawaii is fascinating, even though I haven’t really even begun to dig into the culture and explore the island.
I also didn’t think I’d find friends like I have.
I realize it hasn’t been all that long, and anything could happen…
but you were right. Elodie and the others don’t seem to mind that I’m not as outgoing as they are.
They don’t care when I sit and listen rather than join in their discussions. ”
“That’s good, Mo,” Pid said, sliding his hand back to wrap it around the side of her neck.
“And I like living here with you.”
Pid’s smile grew. “I like you living here with me too.”
She stepped closer and tentatively rested her hands on his sides. Even that innocent touch made his heart race and his desire for her ramp up. She swallowed hard and inched closer, relaxing against him.
It was the first time she’d initiated any touch more intimate than handholding. And like a smitten teen, his cock immediately got rock hard. There was no way to hide his reaction from her. Not with the way she’d plastered herself against him.
Tilting her head up so they could maintain eye contact, she whispered, “I want you.”
This was definitely an abrupt change in behavior—and hard as he was, Pid wasn’t sure where it was coming from.
Yes, they’d kissed plenty recently, but going from kissing to saying she wanted to make love was quite a leap for someone like Monica.
He studied her, trying to figure out what had prompted this.
“No comment?” she asked, her expression dimming a bit.
“I want you too,” he said, not wanting her to think he didn’t, not even for a millisecond. “But I have a question.”
She raised an eyebrow.
“Do you trust me?”
The slight smile on her face disappeared. “What does that have to do with anything?” she asked.
“I want more than just your body, Mo. I want all of you. And I suspect you’ve gone through the motions of making love in the past, while still holding the most important parts of yourself back.
I want what you haven’t given others. I want your hopes and dreams. Your fears.
Your imperfections and your passion…just as I want to give you mine.
Sex is great. But that’s not all I want from you. I want everything.”
Pid couldn’t believe he was saying that.
He should’ve been thrilled that Monica wanted to have sex.
But if he wanted a superficial romp in the sack, he could have that any day of the week.
He was getting too old for that nonsense.
He wanted what Mustang had. What Midas and Aleck had.
He wanted a connection with the woman he took to his bed. With Monica.
“I…you know I don’t trust anyone,” she replied quietly.
“I do,” Pid said with a nod.
She looked away from him, and Pid waited with bated breath to see what she’d say next.
“Most men would jump at the chance to have sex,” she grumbled.
“I’m not most men,” Pid said.
“I know,” Monica answered. Then she said in a whisper, “I can’t…I can’t risk it.”
Disappointment hit Pid hard, but he kept his voice gentle when he said, “You can with me. I know what a gift your trust is, and I’d never, ever, let you down the way others have.”
“You don’t understand,” she said.
“You’re right, I don’t,” Pid told her. “But I’m trying.
Here’s the thing: I’m falling for you, Monica.
Do I want to slide inside your hot, wet body?
Hell yes. But I want more than just something physical.
I want long nights sitting on the back deck talking.
I want more laughter and smiles and that adorable dimple in your cheek.
I want to see you happy and relaxed after you spend some time with the other women.
After a difficult mission, you’re the one I want waiting at home for me.
I want to go to sleep with you in my arms and wake up the same way.
And, down the line, if we work out the way I think we could…
I want to see you with our children. You’d be an amazing mother, Mo, and even though I haven’t known you all that long, and I’ve never really thought about being a father, I know I want that. With you.”
Her eyes filled with tears as she visibly struggled to contain her emotions.
“But I need you to want all that too. Not just be with me because you think you might like me a little bit. Or because being here is comfortable. I need you to trust me, Mo. I know that’s asking a lot. And it’s probably not fair of me to ask for it so soon in our relationship…but there it is.”
“Stuart—” she began, her devastation clear in that single word.
“No.” He shook his head. “Don’t say you can’t. I think you can. I know you can, because I know I’m worth your trust. I won’t let you down, Mo. You just have to want all that as much as I do.”
“That’s not fair,” she told him. “It’s not that easy to just forget thirty years of conditioning.”
“I know it’s not,” Pid told her. “And it’ll be one of the hardest things you’ve done.
But if you don’t, you’re letting him win.
He’s still controlling your life, even all these years later.
You’re letting your head get in the way of your heart.
You can trust me, Mo. And when you figure that out, I promise you’ll feel free.
Free of that asshole who hurt you all those years ago and made you think leaning on someone else is a bad thing.
“You think you want me? You have no idea how hard it is for me not to haul you down the hall, throw you down on my bed, strip you naked and show you exactly how much I want you. And I will…when you can honestly say that you trust me to have your back. To have your best interests at heart at all times. To be your lover, your friend, and your protector. I know that’s archaic, but I am who I am. ”
Pid stared at the woman in his arms and prayed she’d be able to break through everything she’d been taught by her sperm donor.
“I understand,” she said finally.
Pid wiped away the few tears that had fallen from her eyes…and felt his heart breaking. He couldn’t take back what he’d said, and he didn’t want to. All of it had come from his heart. But he couldn’t be with a woman who didn’t trust him either.
Monica leaned forward and rested her cheek on his chest. Pid wanted to take it as a good sign that she hadn’t pulled away and told him he was crazy. He held her close, marveling anew at how perfectly she fit against him.
Eventually, she pulled back, wiped her cheeks, and said, “We need to get going so you aren’t too late.”
Pid wanted to say to hell with work. Wanted to force her to talk to him so they could get past this, but he knew it wasn’t that easy. Besides, he didn’t want Monica just to tell him what he wanted to hear. It would tear him apart if she did, then he found out she’d lied just so he’d sleep with her.
It was a weird position to be in. One he’d never been in before. He was actually saying no to sex. But he truly felt if a long-term relationship with Monica was going to work out, he had to earn her trust.
“You okay?” he asked softly.
Monica nodded. “I get where you’re coming from,” she told him. “I’m just not sure I can get there.”