Chapter 20 – Emma
CHAPTER 20
EMMA
T he soft lighting and plush chairs in the waiting room were meant to have a comforting effect, but nothing could have soothed my frayed nerves. When the nurse finally came out, the team and I exhaled a collective sigh of relief to hear that Nathan pulled through the surgery and they were able to remove the shrapnel.
Since he still hadn’t woken up and was only able to breathe with the assistance of a ventilator, there was no chance of getting back to see him, regardless of how much I wanted to. It was almost eighteen hours later that Sal finally convinced me I wasn’t doing Nathan any good by sleeping in the waiting room.
He was kind enough to get me a room at a hotel that was only a couple blocks away. He even swung back by with a care package, complete with a change of misfitting clothes, white wine, chips, a pack of mixed veggies with dip, and a chocolate peanut butter protein bar. Of course, he packed a protein bar.
After a scalding hot shower and a few hours of broken sleep, I texted Sal to ask if there had been any change. He didn't respond immediately and I couldn't help myself. I didn’t bother waiting for a response; I just threw on the jeans that were way too long and my new tank top which was far too tight, and headed for the hospital.
Maybe a different nurse will be working, one that I can talk into letting me see him.
Just as I reached the hotel lobby, a familiar face walked through the revolving door and all my defenses crumbled.
Jax… I’d been doing such a good job holding it together, but in an instant, my repressed emotions hit me like a tidal wave and tears rushed to my eyes. I was a scared little kid again, running into my big brother’s arms for safety. I clung to him like I was being sucked into outer space.
“You were about the last person I expected to see today,” I said into his shoulder.
“I’m so sorry, Em.” He swayed, not letting go. “I should have been here… You needed me, and I wasn’t–”
“I’m only alive because you looked out for me.” I finally stepped back and smiled at him. “Nathan saved my life about a hundred times.”
“I’m just glad you’re okay, little squirt.” He ruffled the top of my hair and I swatted his hand away.
“Knock it off, asshole.” I punched him softly in the shoulder.
“Can I buy you a cup of coffee?” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets. “Scotty’s up in Nathan’s room and he promised to call me if there was any change.”
I nodded, swallowing the lump tightening in my throat. “Some coffee would be great."
We crossed the street, entering a slightly run-down diner that looked like it had seen better days. Faded pictures of Marilyn Monroe, young Brando, and Elvis smiled from every wall. The white checkered flooring had yellowed and the paint on the walls was peeling, but the smell of maple-cured bacon filled the space, and the waitress’s warm smile made me feel at home.
Bouncing my knee under the table, I clutched my ceramic mug of black coffee in my cold hands. Jax sipped from his cup, eyeing my fingernails that had been chewed bloody down to the beds.
“You okay?” He raised his eyebrows.
My shoulders sagged under the weight of Nathan’s and my's secret. Even though I’d promised to let Nathan tell him, I knew my brother well enough to be sure that it would be less upsetting coming from me. Taking a deep breath, I looked Jax in the eye and laid it out.
“Nathan and I slept together.”
He blinked, shaking his head once as if I’d slugged him in the jaw. “I’m sorry, he did what?”
“Don’t start with me, Jax.” I held up my hand. “I’m not telling you because it’s any of your business who I sleep with.”
“That mother–” Jax set down his coffee and shifted his weight, taking a deep breath. “If he doesn’t die, I swear I’m gonna kill him.”
“Robert!” I slapped my hand down on the table. “What did I just say?”
“I specifically told him–” My brother’s face reddened. “I didn’t want him pulling any of his moves on you. And HE promised me. He fucking promised .”
“Oh, believe me, he tried his damndest.” I raised my cup to my lips, arching my eyebrow. “I just wouldn't let him say 'no.'”
“Emma!” His jaw dropped and he feigned a gag. “I don’t need to know that.”
“I’m not a kid anymore, and I’ll be damned if I let you treat me like one. If you’re going to be all up in my business, you’d better be ready to hear all the juicy details." I narrowed my eyes at him and let loose before he could stop me. "Nathan makes love like an uncaged silverback gorilla who's been let loose on the only female he's ever seen–yours truly–and if I ever come that hard again with anyone else, which I doubt is physically possible, I will still cry out his name. NAATHAA..."
“Jesus Christ on a bicycle, Em.”
"I've got the bite marks to prove it."
He held up his hands in surrender. “ You win! You definitely win. My God, how can I unhear all that?! I'll never ask again.” he shuddered and added, “EVER.”
“Thank you.” I sat back, offering an appreciative nod.
The awkward silence hanging between us broke when Jax cleared his throat and asked, “So, is Dutch Apple Pie still your favorite?”
"Smooth segway, big bro. Apple pie."
A spark of memory bit into me. That deep blue ocean... gulping water... no way out...
Before my eyes, the battle-hardened SEAL across the table melted away, and I saw the lanky teenager I remembered hugging goodbye when he got on the bus to head off to boot camp... The big brother who used his lawn mowing money to make sure I had school shoes... The one who taught me how to ride a bike and bought my first box of tampons when I was too embarrassed to do it myself.
“Yeah.” I choked back emotion welling up in my chest. “Dutch apple sounds perfect, actually.”
Jax nodded, turning to signal to the waitress when his pocket buzzed and he hurriedly pulled out his phone.
“What is it?” My heart pounded like a bass drum. Why isn’t he saying anything? “Is it about Nathan? Jax, is he okay?”
He sighed and smiled, pulling out his wallet to pay for our coffee. “He’s awake, we gotta go.”
I brought my hands to my face and gasped. Tears threatened to flow as I practically tripped over my own feet, darting out of the booth to the door. Jax and I ran down the sidewalk together, and I was out of breath by the time we reached the elevator.
“I guess Nathan made an impression? You know, besides the gorilla stuff?” Jax avoided eye contact with my reflection in the chrome elevator doors. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you run that fast.”
“Very funny, Bobby,” I said out of the corner of my mouth.
He smirked, rolling his eyes and stuffing his hands into his pockets. With Jax at my side, the nurses didn’t even stop us as we headed back to Nathan’s room. I braced myself, unsure of what kind of shape he’d be in after bleeding out, drowning, and being brought back to life on the operating table.
Nathan was the toughest man I’d ever known, but the brain can only do so much when it’s starved of oxygen for that long. Jax opened the door to his room and I walked in, expecting him to still be hooked up to breathing and feeding tubes, surrounded by monitors and machines. Tears rushed to my eyes at the sight of him flipping through channels and arguing with Scotty about some obscure action movie from the nineties.
Scotty nudged him and he looked toward me, his eyes lighting up. I couldn’t help the dorky smile spreading across my lips. I blushed and looked down at my feet, stiffly walking over to his bedside.
“What’s happenin', Capt’n?” I fidgeted, unsure of what to do with so many guys in the room watching us. I wanted to hug him, squeeze him, breath him in! Scotty glanced at Nathan, then me, and his eyes went a little wide.
That butthead told! I cringed inwardly. Not that I could really be upset at him. I told the one person Nathan didn’t want me to tell. But I figured, if I could spare him an ass-whooping, I at least owed him that much.
Jax and Nathan exchanged greetings with that slap-handshake-hug thing gym bros do and it warmed my heart to see my brother warmly hug another human.
Historically, Jax hadn’t been that easy of a person to get close to which meant he was a loner for a long time before he joined the NAVY and met his team. It was nice to see another side of him.
These guys were more than just a bunch of meatheads who loved blowing shit up and shooting people. You could feel it in the air. They shared the kind of bond most of us only dream of, the kind of friendship where you can put your life in someone’s hands and know that they’ll watch out for you no matter what.
Sharing something akin to that with Nathan, even if it was only for a couple of days, had changed me forever.
“Hey Jax, you want to, uh, go grab a coffee with me down in the cafeteria?” Scotty piped in.
Jax tensed up, his back stiffening. He took a deep breath and shot me a sideways glance. He’d already had enough coffee to give an elephant a heart attack, but it was obvious Scotty was trying to give Nathan and me a moment alone.
“Sure.” Jax scratched behind his ear. “I could use, um, a cup of coffee. You two monkies want anything?”
Nathan just stared at me, like he didn’t hear Jax at all. "Monkies?" he mouthed at me.
Nathan and I simultaneously innocently nodded "no" as we stared at each other.
“Cool.” Jax waved Scotty toward the door and as they left, Jax looked over his shoulder and bore his glare down on Nathan one last time.
“How are you feeling?” I traced my fingertips along the foot of his bed as I walked past, taking a seat in the armchair next to him.
“Like a million bucks.” His voice sounded scratchy and broken, like he had the worst case of bronchitis I’d ever heard. “What about you, are you okay?”
“I’m good.” I nodded, shifting in my seat. “Scotty probably told you, they found Mary and got her to a safehouse in the states. Thanks to you and your team, I was able to go public with the documents Estelle left for me. Scotty’s wife whipped out an expose article and it’s got thousands of views already. The Prime Minister is under investigation, and as long as everything goes as planned, the people responsible for Estelle’s death are going to be held accountable.”
“That’s great.” He chewed on his lip, his brow furrowing as he reached over to put his hand on mine. “I’m really glad you’re okay.”
"Well...my lungs did fill with water and I never would have made it out alive if it weren't for your buddies diving in after us. I think I technically died, but I'm not completely sure. Actually, I might not wanna know now that I think about it." I let out a chuckle. Did going through so much together bring me closer to this group? It sure felt so.
“I never would have made it without you risking your neck to keep me safe every step of the way.” I laughed softly, squeezing his hand. “I don’t even know how to thank you for everything you did for me out there.”
“I’d say we’re about even.” He shrugged with a wry smile. “I mean, no one’s ever fought a leopard for me before.”
I laughed, shaking my head. My throat tightened and his smile slowly faded as I loosened my grip on his hands.
“Would I be crazy to think you’d ever want to be with a guy like me?”
The pull of his gaze dared me to say y es, of course. Nothing would make me happier... I’d hardly been able to think about anything else but him since we first kissed. Whatever was between us was exceptional, once in a lifetime…
But the therapist in me knew better.
Something that intense would never be able to last, and it wasn't based on anything but trauma, instincts, and lust.
There's only one way it could really end, and it definitely wasn't with a white house with a picket fence on a beachfront with a baby in the oven.
“The truth is, some part of me does want a guy like you... Exactly like you.” I swallowed hard. “And the only reason I’m admitting that is because I don’t want you to change a single thing about yourself. You're brave, and funny, and spontaneous– You’re incredible.”
He sighed, nodding and pressing his lips together. His eyes glistened, the unspoken words hanging in the air between us, heavy and fraught with everything we couldn't say.
“But…” He swallowed hard and blinked away a whisper of tears. “I’m not what you’re looking for.”
We could try to make it work for a while, couldn’t we? My heart longed to give in. Long distance, with him always gone, and me… cranky and more invested in my patients than I am in my own relationship. It would be fine for the first six months… maybe even a year. Then, sooner or later, he’d meet someone with perky tits, no pesky job tying her down, who had time to go on exotic vacations with him... and I would get sick of worrying about whether or not the mission he was on would finally be the one where he didn’t make it out, or if perky tits girl had stolen him away.
“No.” I barely let out, my voice crackling with emotion. I fought back tears even as they spilled down my cheeks. “I have my clients, my practice. You have your missions, your buddies. Let's just... call it what it is instead of forcing it to be more.”
His face crumpled, a mix of heartbreak and understanding. "I get it," he whispered, his voice raw with pain. "I wouldn't want to get in the way of your life."
I stood there, the weight of our unspoken dreams and dashed hopes pressing down on us. He reached out, and he took my hand in his, brushing his over the back of my hand one last time, a fleeting touch that held everything we were too afraid to say.
"I should go. I've got... stuff to do."
"Stuff. Got it."
I pulled my hand away and turned for the door. The future we'd never have played out in my mind: lazy Sunday mornings, whispered promises under the stars, growing old together.
But reality doesn't care about dreams.
I reminded myself of the sacrifices we'd both have to endure to make a relationship work, the endless worry, the loneliness.
“Goodbye, Nathan.” I whispered, more to myself than to him, the finality of the word sinking deep into my soul.
I stepped out of his room and it instantly felt like an impossibly deep ocean formed between us.
The door latch clicked shut, its sharp sound echoing through the empty, sterile hallway, sealing the end of what could have been.
I fought to keep from sinking to the floor as I looked for the exit, fighting away the tears but failing miserably. I knew I’d just let go of the one person who made my heart feel whole.
Watching the pain wash over his face when I explained we couldn't be... the vision simply crushed me.
I know I made the right choice.
It's better to stop our dreaming now–before we find ourselves too deep in a fairytale that wasn't meant to be.