Chapter 23 – Nathan
CHAPTER 23
NATHAN
J ax’s fists jabbing toward me was like watching a kung fu movie in fast-forward. No matter how quick I blocked, every punch came faster than the last.
“Are you trying to take my head off?” I jerked my head back as I stumbled off the mat.
“You’re the only one fast enough to challenge me.” Jax bounced on the balls of his feet. “Or you used to be… You been hitting the tequila too hard, or are you still recovering from my sister dumping your sorry ass?”
“Ha!” I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, returning to my striking stance. “More like––recovering from your sister crashing me into the damn ocean, Jax.”
“You’re the one who told her to take the stick.” He threw a couple practice punches. “I could’ve told you that was a bad idea.”
“Ah, well, notes for next time I guess.” I blocked a right jab with my forearm and connected with his ribs with a body blow that had to hurt.
“Atta boy.” He rolled his shoulders, grinning as he lowered his center of gravity.
“How’s she doing, by the way?” God, why did I ask that .
I kept my stance loose, swatting his next two punches away.
“Emma?” Jax threw his elbow and I caught it with the heel of my hand. He raised an eyebrow. “She’s fine. I mean… about the same. Still works too much. Still a pain in the ass.” He paused to throw another flurry of punches. “Why do you care?”
“I guess I don’t.” I ducked, still focused on his hands, and he kicked me, cracking his shinbone against mine. “Ow! Son of a– I thought you said we were good?”
“About you sleeping with my sister after you promised you wouldn’t?” He faked right and slapped me with his left hand. “We are. We are better than good.”
“Dude.” I dropped my hands at my sides. “If you’re still pissed, I’d rather you just deck me in the teeth and get it over with.”
“And ruin that pretty face of yours?” He held up his hands. “Wouldn’t want to throw a wrench in the gears of your sex life?”
I chuffed and put my fists up again. “What sex life?”
“Don’t tell me Nathan Blake, the big shark himself, has lost his charm.” Jax spun, throwing a roundhouse kick toward my chest.
“I haven’t lost anything .” I grabbed his ankle, stepped behind his other foot, and shoved him back, forcing him to the ground with one quick motion. “I’m just… focused on other things than ladies for a while.”
He’d barely hit the mat before springing back up, swinging his arm around my neck. “Oh, yeah?”
Holding up my forearm, I bent forward as far as I could to keep him from putting me in a rear naked choke.
“How many notches in your bedpost since the last time I saw you?” Jax was like a dog with a bone and refused to let go. Together we turned in a circle as he tried to maneuver his elbow under my chin. “Ten? Twenty?”
Heat flushed through my body.
“Fuck off, dude!” I shoved him, and the playful expression left his face.
He stepped forward and shoved me twice as hard. Squaring up, he locked eyes with me and I just stood there. As much as it felt like he crossed the line, Jax was my best friend and I wasn’t about to throw a punch out of anger. I held up my chin and braced myself. I’d wondered in the back of my mind if this day would eventually come when he’d feel the need to settle any unresolved feelings about me breaking my promise.
“I don’t get you.” He paced to the other end of the mat and turned around to face me, putting his hands on his hips. “You’ve barely spoken to me about anything but work since Saint Lucia. Ghost the girls you sleep with all you want, but you don’t get to ghost me.”
“What?” I curled my top lip back, furrowing my brow. “What are you talking about?”
“After Emma…” He narrowed his eyes. “I want to know if you just went back to business as usual.”
My shoulders sagged and I looked away. “No offense, but that’s none of your fucking business. In any case–she walked away from me. Not the other way around.”
Pulling off the velcro knuckle wraps from my hands, I tossed the gloves aside and went to sit against the brick wall facing the practice mat. Jax looked down at his feet and came over, sitting next to me. A long pause hung in the air before I got the nerve to say anything.
“She really did a number on me, Jax.”
“Seriously?” He looked at me. “Playboy Nathan finally caught the feels for someone? I didn't know it was possible.”
I chuckled. It wasn’t like I could blame the guy after knowing me as long as he had. Hell, I was more surprised than he was.
"Like, food doesn't taste the same, women aren't as fun, I can't sleep...
I sighed. “And to answer your question… No. I haven’t turned back into a slut. It doesn’t feel like there’s much point when I’m still not over...”
“Shit.” Jax stared blankly at the floor. “That's not good, man.”
“I know!” I scrubbed a hand down my face. “It’s ridiculous, but I’m fucking miserable. It’s been seven months and I keep hoping to just get over it. I don't know if it's because I'm not used to rejection or what. But… I just can't get unstuck.”
“Did you tell her?” He asked.
“What would I tell her, Jax?” I pinched my brows together. “She said we 'shouldn't force it to be more than it is.' I still don't know what the hell that means. I just know I'm respecting her boundaries. That's all I can do."
“Bullshit.” He nudged me with his elbow. “You’re scared.”
“Dude… no.” I put a hand up. “It’s not the fifties, okay. She’s not interested. You back off until she says otherwise.”
“It’s not always that cut and dry with Em.” He shrugged. “Sometimes when she says no to something… it just means she's not ready, not that she's actually opposed to it."
I took in a deep breath and let out a slow sigh. Getting lectured at by your best friend on how to handle something that could go oh–so very wrong in so many ways... it gave me more anxiety than a bag of snakes.
"You. Me. We act on instinct, Nathan. We say what we mean the second it pops into our heads. Hell, we were trained to trust ourselves like that, you know? Em though, she's a different creature altogether."
Hearing Jax see this all from a different angle gave me a spark of something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I looked him in the eye, letting him know his words were hitting home.
"'No,' for Em... sometimes it really means she needs time to think about it, make a plan, game out the possibilities. She does the same thing with all sorts of stuff. When she shopped for a new house, it all came down to how it fit into a spreadsheet. She didn't just pick the pretty one and pounce.”
“That’s not the vibe I got, man.” I shook my head. “Emma was completely straight up with me the entire time we were out there. I never once got the sense that she was bullshitting or trying to fit me into a spreadsheet.”
“When we were kids…” Jax clenched his fists. “Our dad used to come around like once or twice a year and act like he wanted to start fresh. When Emma was little, she always forgave him. No matter what he did or how long he was gone, she was so anxious to believe he would be there. But it never turned out that way.”
My chest ached as I imagined Emma as a little girl, watching out the window for her dad to come home. “I’m sorry.”
Is that why she doesn't trust me? Dad never came back? Jax's voice broke through my thoughts. "You love her, man? Enough to stick around?"
The weight of the question hit me hard. The thought of forever with Emma both thrilled and terrified me. "I don't want you saying that to her unless you mean it. Promise me, Nate."
It wasn't too long ago he made me swear to keep my hands off his sister. The irony of now being asked to commit was almost laughable.
"I feel like I'm dying without her, Jax," I said, my voice raw. "If that's love, then yeah, I'm in it for the long haul."
He looked at me with a mix of surprise and what seemed like respect.
We clasped hands like we were about to arm wrestle, and he pulled me to my feet.
"Oh, and Nate," He playfully slapped his hand to the crook of my neck, gripping me hard, his fingers pressing into the bones of my spine. Rocking me a bit off balance with his sturdy hand, he added with a serious tone and a hint of a smile, "If you break this promise, I will seriously rearrange your face. No need to worry about your shitty sex life after that."
I barely registered his words and strength pressing into my neck, my thoughts swirling with possibilities. Emma. "No." can mean she's thinking. It could have been a "Yes," but pending... Pending what?
Wrapping up our gym session, I headed home and cleaned up. Monkey turned four this weekend, and we were all determined to make it the birthday party of the century.
When I got Smitty's house for the party, I found Smitty, Sal, Shank, and Scotty all seated on the floor around the coffee table, wearing tiaras and feather boas. Monkey's finally old enough to actually remember this one. And, if there's anything I've learned as a soldier, you've to make time with family, and moments like these count.
“Uncle Natin!” Monkey sprang up and ran to me, her little blonde ponytails bouncing with every step.
“Hey, Squirt.” I scooped her up and gave her a squeeze. “Happy birthday, sweetheart.”
“You’re late.” She pointed as I put her down. “Come on.”
She pulled me over to her salon where I got a tiara and feather boa of my own. Scotty and Shank scooted apart to make room for me while Smitty set a plastic pink tea cup on a matching saucer in front of me. Monkey poured clear liquid from her teapot into the cup, and I took a sip.
“Mmmm.” My nostrils flared as I swallowed the room-temperature tap water. “This is good tea.”
“If you’re good, we can has cake.” Monkey beamed, picking up her tiggie blanket and tucking it into the crook of her elbow.
“If I’m good?” I furrowed my brow. “What about you ?”
“I'm always good.” She turned her nose up. “And it’s birfday.”
“Lean in, guys.” Jax held up his phone to snap some pictures, and we all held up our teacups and said cheese .
“What’s going on here?” Emma’s voice almost made me drop my teacup.
Jax... that bastard! That's what the whole conversation was about.
“Auntie Em!” Monkey dashed over to the doorway and threw her arms around Emma’s legs. “It’s tea time!”
“I feel a little under-dressed.” Emma’s face turned red when our eyes met.
“It’s otay, Auntie.” Monkey pulled her over to fix her up with the proper attire. “I make you princess.”
“Um…” Emma smiled and squatted down to hold her hands. “Actually, I’m going to go help Mommy in the kitchen, but I promise we’ll have our own tea party before I go home, okay?”
“Okay.” Monkey frowned. “You want cake?”
“I’ll definitely have some cake.” She rubbed the tip of her nose against Monkey’s. “I missed you, Monks.”
I figured I’d run into her at some point, but I wasn’t expecting it to be today. The shock of seeing her again left me scrambling for composure. Emma's eyes met mine again, this time with a guarded look that mirrored my own.
Monkey wrapped her arms around Emma’s neck, and Emma looked at me without so much as a hint of a smile. I looked back at her, still trying to process that she was here. Why now? Why today? I'm usually so good at reading women, but with her, I never seemed to have a clue what she was thinking.
After they let go of each other, Emma nodded to me. My mouth went dry as the Sahara, and I stared at her like a damn idiot. She turned, walking under the archway leading into the kitchen, and it felt like she took all the air in the room with her. Every step she took echoed in my mind, each one a reminder of what I'd lost.
Monkey skipped back over to the table and refilled all the cups that were running low on ‘tea’. The simple, innocent act felt like a lifeline, something normal to focus on.
“Great party,” Sal whispered, holding his pinky out as he took a sip from his tiny cup. “After tea, should we hold Nathan down and give him papercuts between his toes?”
“Sorry.” Jax grimaced.
“Uncle Sal, no.” Monkey scowled. “That not nice.”
“You okay?” Scotty patted me on the back. "You look like you just saw a ghost."
I waved him off and stood up, needing to move, to do something. “I’m fine.”
“Don’t go...” Monkey grabbed my hand, her eyes wide and pleading. “After tea, we posta dance.”
“Go ahead and start the dance without me.” I cupped her face in my hands, trying to muster a smile. “I’ll be right back, and I’ll be your best dance partner ever, okay?”
“Otay.” She pushed her bottom lip out and glared at Sal.
“What? What did I do?” Sal shrugged, feigning innocence.
Jax followed me to the door and grabbed my arm, lowering his voice. “Hey, I didn’t know if she’d actually come.”
“Did she know I was going to be here?” I looked at him, my frustration barely contained.
Jax took a deep breath, clearly conflicted. “I don’t know if Jelana mentioned it, but I didn’t say anything one way or another.”
“Ah.” I clenched my jaw, the tension rolling off me in waves.
“Nate…” Jax sighed, the weight of unspoken words hanging between us.
“Don’t worry.” I patted him on the shoulder, forcing a smile. “I won’t make it weird. I just... I just need a sec.”
Stepping outside, I took a deep breath, the cool air hitting my lungs like a splash of cold water. My thoughts raced, each one colliding with the next. Seeing Emma again was like reopening a wound that had barely started to heal. I leaned against the wall, trying to steady my breathing, to gather my thoughts.
Again, why now? I feel like a shell of my former self and this… it’s just making it so much worse.
Questions swirled in my mind, each one more unsettling than the last. But one thing was clear: I couldn't avoid her forever. Sooner or later, we would have to face whatever this was head-on. I thought I’d be thrilled to see her again, talk to her about… whatever we’d left so undone.
But now, with the reality of her actually here in the flesh, I couldn’t think of what to say–and seeing her blank expression? It left me terrified.