2. ALLISON
Chapter two
ALLISON
T he blaring of a hyper pop rock song shocks me out of my sleep, and I jolt up, arms flailing. My heart hammers like it could jump out of my chest. My head snaps back and forth as I look for the music-toting intruder—
Only to see my phone vibrating on my nightstand.
“Emily,” I growl, grabbing the ringing device.
I consider silencing it so I can get back to sleep, but I change my mind—although no one should be calling this early—I pick it up so I can let her know that she’s a complete tool for this.
“Emily, you are a horrible, horrible person. Literally the worst person I’ve ever met.”
Emily’s giggling response is devoid of any apology. “Who, me?”
“Maddie, please do the shame stare I taught you. Your mom deserves it. And you, Emily, stop laughing!” Even as I am trying to get her to restrain her laughter, I can’t help myself from giving sound to my own amusement when I hear Maddie eagerly cackling in time with her mother down the phone.
“I’m sorry.” She tries her most serious voice but a barely restrained snicker gives her away, so I know her apology isn’t even a little bit genuine. “You like pop music, don’t you?”
“You aren’t sorry, and no, I don’t.” Already I’m waking up. I push up against my headboard, sighing. “I hear you trying not to laugh. FYI, I picked up this call just so I can let you know that you are a tool. A complete tool.”
“A tool? Sounds like something a middle schooler would say.” Emily mulls it over. I can practically see her nodding her head. “I like it.” She bursts into belly aching laughter that reminds me of how much of a child she can be despite having one herself. I am the dour and gloomy one of our pair, but she has always made it okay; being in the sunshine she brought was refreshing enough.
I’m smiling fondly, and although she can’t see it, I know she hears it. “How are you, Millie?”
“I’m okay. I got a call from Jacob.”
Immediately, I’m wide awake.
Jacob Fischer is the bane of my existence.
Regrettably, he is also Emily’s brother.
There’s a lot I don’t want to hear about him. I don’t want to hear about his work as a navy SEAL. I don’t want to hear about his reaction to Emily having a child. I don’t want to hear about Emily not telling him about having a child for the hundredth time. And most of all, I don’t want to hear that, after all these years, Jacob has told Emily about the night we spent together.
But I love Emily, and despite the fact that even his name sets my teeth on edge, I try to reply casually so she feels open to share.
Unfortunately, casual also means dismissive, so I ready myself for the same fight we’ve had a hundred times.
“Oh goodie,” I drawl, and only some of my annoyance is put on. The guy really is a Class-A jerk. “When do we get to bask in His Grace's glorious light?”
“Stop it, Allie. Not this again. You know Jake isn’t proud. He may seem that way to some people, but it’s only because he usually has a lot of responsibilities.”
I roll my eyes at the reminder. “Yes, I know he is protecting us all. Doesn’t mean he has to act like he expects us to be his marines with orders to be followed.”
“SEALs. It’s SEALs.”
“I knew that.” I honestly protest because I did know that fact. The only reason I didn’t say it was so she wouldn’t think I paid a lot of attention when she talked about him.
“I know you’re protective of me, but that’s enough. We both know he’s nothing like that.” I always loved watching the way Emily could go from spoiled princess to mama bear when it came to the people she loved. I have seen it with Jacob—she stands by him religiously, ready to defend him to her dying breath—and now it is the same with Maddie. It is beautiful to see. But I won’t let her know that. She’d be insufferable.
“Got it,” I agree easily enough.
For a moment, the line is quiet. I try to rein in.
The thing is, beyond all my own personal issues with Jacob, he’s a lousy brother. He loves Emily—I know that. He was a rock for her growing up. But he really does act like a drill sergeant to her. He rarely asks how she’s doing. He never visits, barely calls—
I know that Emily loves him. I just love her the same way.
“Yes, yes. I agree. He is not arrogant and proud. Instead he is the calm, aloof, and cool man. So is he still coming back?” My dry reply speaks volumes about my real opinion.
“Yes. He’s at the base so he’ll be here soon.” She pauses. I know what she’s going to say before she continues. “There’s just one thing I haven’t been able to do.”
“Emily. Don’t tell me—”
“I know. But I just couldn’t tell him all that when it was the first time we were speaking in almost a year. I couldn’t tell him about Jeff or Maddie, but I’m ready now. I’m going to tell him before he meets her.”
“Good. Maddie needs all the family she has. As do you.”
* * *
A week has passed, and everything has changed.
Bouncing Maddie on my knee, all I can think about is how my entire life is different. My entire life is ruined.
Across from me, Jacob’s face is as cool and collected as ever. His eyes are clear. His face isn’t even flushed.
More than I ever have in my whole life, I hate him. I really, really hate him.
“How can you be so calm about this?”
I know it is unfair to poke at his pain in this manner, but I hate seeing him be completely stoic about it, like he has made peace with it already.
I don’t want him to have peace. I don’t want any of us to have peace. I want Emily back. How can he care about anything except getting Emily back?
A part of me knows that there is no getting Emily back. I feel irrational. I feel devastated.
“Allison, I understand that you are in pain. I am too, but you do not understand any of what I am feeling. Your friend is dead. Not your baby sister.” Jacob is sterner and angrier than I have ever seen him. It’s brief, just a moment of real emotion flickering across that stone face, and I deflate when I see it.
A bit of humanity, I think. I’d make a joke—a snide comment, borderline rude, that would make Emily’s lips press together to either hold in a smile or an eye roll depending on her mood.
But there’s no Emily to make a comment to. There’s just me, a motherless daughter, and a grieving brother.
I look away, sick to my stomach at my own thought.
His eyes flicker to check Maddison over, and I see determination. I almost feel sorry for the poor fool who would dare make this difficult for his niece or try to come between them.
Then I remember that really I’m the fool, and I feel terrible for myself instead.
“Why didn’t the police tell me?” He asks suddenly, his eyes snapping to mine. “The officers who came, who told me she—she—about the wreck.”
“Poor paperwork? I’m sure you’ll get a call eventually by the state, but since I already had Maddison, maybe they just… didn’t do their research.”
He bristles, but I shrug. All I know is that when they called me, no one even asked about Maddie.
Glancing at Maddison and having her lock gazes with me is what finally breaks me down. She stretches her hands to me, silently requesting that I pick her up, and I think about the realization that she won’t be picked up by her mom in that way ever again. Maddie and Emily only had eleven months together before today. And now, that’s all the time they will ever have.
The thought crumbles me. As I pass Maddison to Jacob, the first time I’ve really let go of the baby since I got the call, everything hits me at once.
No longer needing to stay strong for Maddison, at least not for one minute, the last twenty-four hours hits me at once. My best friend is dead—dead! She’s not here anymore. My rock, my companion, my sister —she was everything to me. She is everything to me.
And now, she’s gone.
Maddison makes a soft noise, not quite a word, but close enough to signal her intent, and I pull myself together long enough to realize that I’m barely breathing. Hyperventilating in fact—
I can see Maddison in Jacob’s arms. They look so similar—Jacob and Emily must have looked so similar, too, and I never really noticed. I’ll never notice anything about Emily again—
Jacob’s mouth is moving. As I suck in air, too much air, I try to focus on what the hell he’s doing with his mouth.
“Okay,” he’s saying, the sound garbled but the shape of it familiar. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
“It’s not,” I whisper. I wrap my arms tightly around myself. My breathing is a bit more even, but I can still feel how wet my face is—I must have started crying. I hadn’t even noticed.
“I know,” he agrees quietly.
Maddison’s face is starting to scrunch up; she’s upset that I’m upset.
I try to pull it together, but seeing Maddison cry just makes the floodgates open for me. I start to really lose it, and so does Maddie.
Like he has been handling babies all his life, Jacob sweeps Maddie into a hug with swift and efficient movements, placing her on his chest and whispering sweet words to her while rubbing her back.
I’ve known Jacob for a long time, and though we never spent much time together over the years, I’m pretty sure he’s never comforted a baby.
There was a reason Emily was so in awe of her brother, and it’s because no matter how dire the situation is, Jacob can always make it feel like there is a fix, a solution to be had, regardless of everything else. Watching him take control of difficult matters and focus solely on how to make it better is priceless.
I know that no matter how calm he appears, he has to be hurting inside even more than I am.
Realizing that I haven’t been kind or considerate of his feelings—or what he is going through—is sobering, and the realization of exactly how I have been acting leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth. Emily might feel like my sister. But she is Jacob’s. And no amount of bad experiences with the guy should diminish that.
I am the jerk, here.
“Jacob.”
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry.” I start. I don’t know exactly how I can apologize, but I will. “I’m sorry for being as much of a jerk as I have been.”
“It’s okay.”
“No. It really isn’t.” A quick glance tells me that his attention is focused back on Maddie, and he is bouncing her in his arms gently. Her eyes are hooded as she looks up at him, her mouth open. She’s clearly falling asleep in his arms. He could be her dad.
Although their eyes are different—his a light sky blue and hers hazel—they both share the same shuck of midnight black hair, and there is enough of Emily in both of them to suggest that they could be father and daughter.
I wonder if that will make things easier or harder for Maddie as she grows up.
I hope he lets me stay in her life enough to know one way or the other.
“I mean it, Jacob.” I have his attention now, and his gaze focuses on me. It’s almost startling. For the first time since I showed up, he’s actually looking at me, not just through me. My mouth dries, but I power forward. “I was… being selfish. In my own grief. My anger. But this is… this is Emily.”
Jacob looks away. It’s slight, but I see the small nod he gives me—acknowledgement, if nothing else.
The buzzing of Jacob’s phone on silent interrupts the moment. Maddie startles, but doesn’t wake. I see Jacob’s phone on the table beside me, and I grab it, handing it over. I gesture to take Maddie, but he shakes his head. I try to hide my annoyance at him denying me her.
Cradling a now slumbering Maddie to his chest with his left arm, he picks up the call and traps the phone between his shoulder and ear to free his right hand.
“Hello. This is Jacob Fischer. How can I help you?” He is focused on the call, and I take the time to look at him properly.
For the first time since I stepped into this house, I am noticing how he looks.
He has no shoes on; his bare feet are pressed to the floor. It seems unlike him—unlike the SEAL I imagine, who wakes up, gets dressed, but has a phone call interrupt him before he finishes putting on his socks.
I look away from his feet, trying to calm myself down.
Jacob’s shirt is stretched tightly across his broad chest, and I can spot a light scattering of dark hair on his chest from his neckline; the first two buttons undone. His biceps complement the set of pecs under the sparse hair, pushing his shirt sleeves to wrap snugly around them.
I haven’t seen him in a long time. Pictures, here and there, sure, but the last time we were actually in person together had to have been… What? Five years ago? Six? We’d been around each other more than either of us would have liked because of Emily, but I’d always avoided him the best I could. I’d always been too afraid to see him after we’d been intimate all those years ago. I knew he didn’t want to see me either. It still happened from time to time, but it was never pleasant.
I’m not afraid anymore. But I wouldn’t say it’s any nicer to see him than I’d feared.
“Yes, I understand.” Jacob keeps up his conversation on the phone, managing to keep moving while carrying Maddie like a bag of chips. I know exactly how heavy that girl is when she sleeps, so the fact that he’s just holding her like she’s nothing is impressive.
As handsome as he is, and as strong as he clearly is, there’s no attraction for me. Not right now. It’s all… intellectual. I can see how handsome he is, but I don’t feel anything about that.
I look at Maddie, at how sweet she looks sleeping like an angel. I can’t really feel that, either.
I realize, probably belatedly, that I am numb.
“I’ll be there.” Jacob comes to a stop and ends the call. “I need to handle a few things at the hospital. Can you hold onto Maddie for me? For just a little longer, please?”
I stand quickly, taking Maddie into my arms. As soon as I’m holding her, I feel better. Stronger. More real.
“Of course,” I murmur, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Jacob has already walked off. “For as long as I can.”