20. ALLISON
Chapter twenty
ALLISON
O n my drive back home, I don’t see anything around me despite my eyes being wide open. The streets blur past me but I don’t pay them any mind, focused as I am on getting back to my apartment. I keep all of my focus on the road, glancing at my rearview mirror right before I take the last turn to my house.
Home. I’m going back to my home and it’s the only one I really have.
I try to not think about it, but I can’t help the sea of hurt that follows when my mind can’t fight the barrages and I find myself thinking about the reason why I am only just coming back after all this time.
All I can see is Jacob—his face, the way he made it clear that I hadn’t been a real part of the family I thought we were, that I had only been fooling myself all along.
He didn’t say that exactly. A small part of my mind reminds me, holding budding hope that he could have meant something else despite his words, and he actually wants me with him, but the rest of me can’t forget or dismiss the look on his face. Jacob had stared straight into my eyes with those blue orbs of his, hard and cold as blocks of ice, and he had broken my heart without even flinching.
It is difficult to admit the truth of the matter, even to myself, because it is not a pleasant truth or one I want to hear, but I’ll say it to myself regardless because he said it to me first.
There had been no hiding what he felt in that moment, and no need to pretend otherwise, since his disinterest was as plain as day.
Jacob has never been mine, and I can come to terms with that. Maddie could not be my daughter either, and it is perfectly okay to just be her godmother. I tell myself this for the hundredth time.
And the fact that Naomi could very well be my replacement still means nothing, I remind myself again, but the thought of being thrown to the curb at her appearance is almost too much to stomach. I feel almost physically ill as I think about it, but I don’t let any of that distract me from my driving. I just want to get all the way to my apartment and cry my eyes out in peace.
I loved Maddie like she was mine, and I loved her father like he was mine, too. It didn’t work out, so there will be no more pining.
If Jacob and Maddie would be better and happier without me, then I don’t want to force myself into a picture that has no space for me. But the thought of walking away from them—especially Maddie—makes my chest tighten in a way that feels wrong, almost unnatural.
I walk through my door, stepping into my apartment for the first time in a couple of weeks, and I am struck by a strange sense of bizarreness. The few hurried visits to retrieve stuff had left it fresh in my memory, but it still feels like something from a dream to be back here again.
The quiet is almost unnerving, and I am struck by the realization that I have always been paying attention to both sounds and silence from Maddie, especially when she was out of sight. But now, I don’t have to do that; I can just relax in the silence.
This isn’t so bad, I comfort myself. Here’s to late nights and pizza! It’s an empty comfort because I already miss the sounds I associate with Maddie. The constant laughter, giggles, and even the occasional scream she let out to amuse herself.
I shrug all of this off, drop my bag smack bang in the middle of the living room, and sprawl myself all over the couch moments later. I’m tired, but at the same time, sleep is the last thing on my mind. Instead, I just stare at the ceiling, trying to think about everything I need to do while battling the tears.
My best effort at remaining resolute against the tears fails and finally the dam bursts, sending streaks of hot tears down my cheeks. I let them stream out of my eyes and down the sides of my face to my ears where they tickle slightly, but that still doesn’t reduce the volume or intensity of the ones which follow.
I reach out for a box of tissues and snag one to get rid of the snot from my nose, but the feel of the paper against my skin intensifies the same bizarre feeling from earlier. Pulling it away from my nose and inspecting the box to see why it felt different, I looked it over, and I now realize the source of my misgivings.
It is a different brand from the ones Jacob liked, and now, somehow, I don’t even like this one I used to buy because it is not the same as what I am used to.
It takes more time than it should to realize that nothing is different or altered in my place, and the truth is that I have just become more familiar and happy in another apartment than I am in my own space. The scents, sounds, and everything that I now associate with home are missing, leaving me with a shell.
I pick up my phone, dial, and hold it to my ear as it rings, waiting for a response from my version of home— a place that has always felt like it would never change.
The click of the connected call is the best sound I have heard all day.
“Hello Mom.”
“Hey baby, how are you? Why do you sound like you are crying darling? What’s wrong?”
Her voice is thick with worry, and it fills me with guilt because I don’t want her worrying about me. I keep the worst of the details of anything remotely disturbing away from her. She doesn't know about Jeffrey or any of the other difficult stuff that had come with losing Emily, and as her barrage of questions has proven again, I did this for good reasons.
Mama can be neurotic when it comes to my well-being—almost driving me crazy—but she always means the best, and this time I need her.
“I’m okay and I’m doing good, I guess. And nothing is wrong, Mama. I’m not crying.”
“Well, you’re not crying now, but you sound like you were. I’m glad you’re okay. What about baby Maddie and her uncle?” This is typical of my mother, and I already know I have to cut her off before she continues asking about every single person she knows because of me.
“They are all okay. They are doing good.”
That’s not a lie at least.
“Then why do you sound like your house burnt down, sweetie?” She asks seriously, but the image of me crying because my house has burnt down is so far from the reality of what is really happening that I can’t help but snort out a laugh.
“My house didn’t burn down, Mom. And there’s been nothing bad. I actually have good news.”
“You’ve got my attention now, sweetie. What is it?” She is much more relaxed now. Good. I can just talk about the only good news I have to give now, and she will focus on that instead of the tears in my voice.
“I got the job. The botanist job at NYU, and it comes with a tour, even if I don’t take it.”
Her squeal down the phone is enough to wake up the dead. I take the phone away from my ear so she doesn’t rupture my ear drum. “You don’t sound excited enough.” I mutter sarcastically.
“I can celebrate any way I want to. My baby just got her dream job, so excuse me if I want to celebrate that.” A stranger would think her offended huff conveys annoyance, but I know my mother; her theatrics had birthed mine after all.
“I know you can. And that’s why I called you to tell you.”
Her hum is doubtful. “Hmmm. I bet you didn’t tell me first.”
My mother has always had the added gift of being exceptionally perceptive when it comes to some matters, and anything concerning my love life is crystal clear to her, no matter how much I might try to keep it under wraps.
“You were literally the first person I called to tell this, Mama.”
“That might be true, but you said ‘called’, not told. I know you. Who did you tell first?” Right when I think I have managed to outwit her while saying a half truth, she comes right back with facts I can't deny. “It was Maddie’s uncle, right? The marine.”
It is amazing how she can still speak with authority about my behavior and thoughts and be right.
Maybe it is a mom thing. Would I be able to do the same with Maddie by the time she is twenty? I wonder, and the answer is one I can deduce immediately. Not if you don’t raise her, you won’t.
“Mama, I’ve said it before, it’s SEAL, not marine.” I correct with the patience born of a thousand reminders.
“Same difference…”
“It’s not. But that doesn’t matter anyway because we aren’t exactly talking anymore, and I’ve moved out.”
“Oh sweetie!” She gasps, and the pity in her voice is almost painful to hear. “You two had a falling out?”
“Yeah.” I don’t know if I want to tell her about it or if I would rather not discuss it, so I find myself in this awkward valley which is neither.
“What happened, sweetie?”
I am already shrugging before I realize that she can’t see me. “I think his ex-flame moved back to town and they hit it off. I don’t know how, or why exactly, but when this job came up he basically saw it as a reason to move on, I guess.”
Immediately after telling her this, guilt hits me so hard that I feel the need to clarify everything. As mad as I am at him, I can’t badmouth Jacob, even to my mother.
“He didn’t say much about the ex, really. But she’s in town, and she’s ready to fight for him—in her own words—and I don’t know if I want to be a part of that. I mean, I shouldn’t have to fight for his attention, right? And then there’s this job and everything coming with it. Jacob wants me to leave, he says it’s so I can do something important, something I like, but I don’t know, Mama. My heart is being pulled in two directions.”
She waits until I am done pouring out my heart to her before she starts speaking. “What does your heart want, sweetheart?”
“I don’t even know, Mama. I don’t have a clue. I hate being alone in this apartment and a part of me wants to go back so I can be with them. Maybe I just don’t want to accept that it’s really over, even though Jacob and I aren’t speaking. The other part of me is excited about everything else. I mean, who knows what is waiting for me in the big apple of all places?”
“And it’s hard to make a decision.”
“So hard. So frigging hard.”
“Then I’ll ask you a question a wise woman once asked me, too. What do you think or fantasize about that makes you smile just from imagining it? I don’t want you to answer this question. You are the only person who knows it—and it should remain that way—but that feeling is the direction your heart wants to go in, and sweetie, the heart is never wrong.”
“What about when we follow our hearts and then it does go wrong?”
“Baby, there’s a difference between following your heart and doing stuff because you want to. There are so many things that come from following your heart, and before something goes wrong. I bet that in that moment, there were a lot of selfish or downright stupid decisions. But what the heart truly wants is selfless and kind, and it can never lead to anything wrong.”
I think about it seriously. I know what my imagination conjures often, and I know how my heart races with excitement every time I imagine it. I know all of this, and I also know that there are a million and one things I don’t know, and most of that is the future. I may find happiness and a new family there.
I have to think, and I have to make a decision for myself, and not anybody else this time. But first…
“Mama?”
“Yes sweetheart.”
“Who was the wise woman, the one who asked you the question? Was it granny?”
“Oh that, the wise woman was me.” She chuckles, and I join her when she bursts into belly-aching laughter.
There is a decision to make, and there will be time to make it, but right now I’ll laugh and live, and when it is time to decide, I will follow my heart.
* * *
Instead of sending a positive response to the email containing the job offer, I scroll on my phone until I find the right email and when I have it, I look through the email until I find the number I want and I dial it; calling up the contact provided.
It doesn’t ring more than a few times before the call is picked up.
“Hello. This is Allison. Allison Smith.”
“Nice to hear from you ma’am. My name is Colleen, and I’m your recruitment officer. I hope you’re doing okay.” The voice on the other side of the phone is warm and friendly, so even though I haven’t known Colleen for more than a couple of seconds, I feel like I have a friend already.
“I’m doing great, Colleen. How’s your day?”
“I’m doing good as well. Thank you. I’d like to help however I can while you’re sorting everything out for a smooth transition.”
“That’s great. I am looking forward to being a part of your institution. I’d like to know more about the offer and what comes with it, if it’s not a bother, of course.”
“Oh sure. So this is a basic contract, and there are two main parts to it. The first part is a two-month long tour, and it involves a planned inspection of our botanical gardens and laboratories, where you will be consulted specifically on pluripotency and regeneration in plants.”
“I’m listening. To be honest that sounds really good. What about the second?”
“The second part involves an employment contract which is to be for a total of three years with an incremental salary on a per annum basis. There are also accruing benefits attached to the basic salary. Our first concern is to get you here for the tour, and then hopefully you decide to stay with us long term. So… what do you want to do, Allison?”
I think about what it would mean if I took the three year contract right now.
It would be wonderful. A fresh start and an opportunity to find everything I’m missing right now. I think, weighing the options and decisions I have to make.
I imagine telling Emily. The joy she’d feel—the way she’d have bounced up and down, screaming.
I imagine telling her it would mean leaving Maddie.
I have no idea what she’d say. I miss her right now more than ever.
“What do you think or fantasize about that makes you smile just from imagining it?” My mother had asked me, and I had seen a vision, one I was used to because it was something I thought about often.
Watching Maddie growing up and doing so with Jacob’s arms around me had been what I had imagined.
I can’t leave. I can’t leave Maddie, and if I’m being completely honest, I can’t silence my heart, no matter how loud my mind tells me it doesn’t make sense. I can’t leave you either Jacob, no matter how much of a douche you can be.
There’s no longer a need to think more about it because, in this instant, I have seen the vision in my mind, and I have made my decision. I will go on the two-month tour and I won’t be changing it for any reason.
“Frankly this all sounds amazing, and the fact that I can’t sign the full contract is killing me right now, but I can’t change that. I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay. I’ll forward you the documents so you can get them signed. And Allison…”
“Yeah?”
“I’ll be hoping to change your mind in the time from now until the tour is done.”
“I understand. Thank you, Colleen. I’ll keep in touch.”
“Goodbye Ms. Smith. Have a wonderful day.”
I stare at the ceiling for a couple of seconds after she ends the call.
I’m following my heart again, and I can only hope it turns out well this time, I think. In this moment, my heart is completely filled with hope.