Chapter Three
Bella
Six months later
I wish I could say I ’ m cut out to be a military wife, but the past six months have shown me otherwise.
As I sit in my car and look at my grades on my phone, I can ’ t deny that I ’ m slipping. I ’ ve always been as close to a straight-A student as I could be, with only a B in a couple of classes. This past semester has seen my grades drop to Bs across the board, and there ’ s also a C glaring back at me.
To make matters worse, I ’ m sure I ’ ve kissed any hope of breaking records or qualifying for the Olympic trials goodbye. The more my relationship with Cole deteriorates, the more my performance, both in the classroom and in the water, has suffered.
I shake my head and click off my phone, blinking back tears as I fight anger toward Cole. He ’ s in town after months of being gone, and tonight, we ’ re going to dinner. I pull out of the parking space and start heading home, too despondent to even care that a lot of traffic will make the drive home take longer than usu al.
I wasn ’ t at all happy that Cole had dropped out of school and enlisted. While I wanted to support him in his choices, I couldn ’ t ignore how hurt I was that he had chosen to do it without talking to me beforehand.
To add insult to injury, many of our mutual friends and family think what he did is noble and are proud of him for being so willing to drop everything in his life to serve our country.
I have a lot of respect for those who serve, and my reaction to Cole enlisting makes it appear as though I don’t. However, I can ’ t bring myself to be okay with the idea of my life partner constantly being in danger.
I ’ ve already had to go through the pain of losing my father in an unexpected and traumatic way. Why would I willingly put myself in that same position with my husband? The conflicted feelings have been tormenting me, making me cry one moment, then resentful and angry the next.
It wasn't easy for me to get through the ten weeks when Cole was at basic training. He called and texted me when he could. But even when we did speak, I got the distinct impression he was distracted by what he was doing rather than overly interested in what was going on in my life.
Each phone call left me feeling more alone, frustrated, and resentful toward Cole. But I didn ’ t feel comfortable talking to him about it over the phone. The last thing I wanted to do was put more stress on him or add pressure when I could only imagine what he was going through during boot camp.
“ Just give it a bit more time, baby,” he ’ d tell me through the phone. “ Once I ’ m out of here, I ’ m going to get through AIT, then SEAL training, and this is all going to be behind us.”
I laughed.
I hate that I laughed at that moment, but I did. It definitely had scorn behind it.
“ Am I missing something?” he asked, and I could hear the confusion in his voice. “ I ’ m not trying to be funny here.”
“ I know you ’ re not, and that ’ s almost what makes this even more frustrating for me,” I told him, hearing the edge in my own voice. “ You ’ ll get through all this training, but the training isn ’ t the bad part. At least when you ’ re going through training, I know if you mess up, you ’ re not going to wind up dead.”
“ Bella, ” he tried, but I was already too upset to back down.
“ Once you get through training, they ’ re going to station you somewhere, then they ’ re going to deploy you. There ’ s no end in sight to the war in Afghanistan, so if you think you ’ re somehow not going to wind up overseas and just like –”
I couldn’t finish the sentence, but I didn ’ t have to. He knew I was going to say he ’ d wind up dead just like his father, and considering how fresh that entire tragedy is, the blow landed a lot lower than I ’ d meant.
“ Don ’ t think that way,” he said after a pregnant pause. “ You can ’ t build your life around what might happen or the worst-case scenario.”
I intentionally wrapped up the conversation shortly after, but the three months since then have been riddled with tension after that phone call. I truly believe he knows exactly how I feel, but both of us are ignoring it and tap dancing around it.
But unfortunately, there ’ s a growing list of things that can ’ t be ignored.
Normally, I would dash out of the classroom to head home as quickly as possible to get ready for a date with Cole. I ’ d spend hours doing everything from showering and shaving to picking the perfect outfit and ensuring my makeup was on point. I ’ d then breeze out of my apartment, feeling on top of the world with my perfected look, but today I have little motivation to head home and get ready.
I just can’t ignore the dark cloud of dread that hangs over me these days.
We haven ’ t seen much of each other in the past six months, and I can only speculate that it will just get worse when he is deployed. I don ’ t even know if we’ll be able to communicate or if I ’ ll have contact with him at all.
My phone chirps on the seat next to me, and at the stoplight, I look over to see that Cole messaged me. I ignore it until I get home.
Can ’ t wait to see you – do you want me to pick you up?
I feel like a total asshole with my attitude and the way I roll my eyes — which, thankfully, he can’t see — but I can’t seem to get my head right. I don ’ t want him to pick me up, and for that matter, I don ’ t even want to go. But I know I have to talk to him, and after all that we ’ ve shared over the past few years, I feel I owe it to him to at least do this in person.
I ’ ll meet you there. Does six still work?
He confirms, and I head inside. As soon as I walk through the door and set down my things, I have to fight the urge to grab a pint of Ben and Jerry’s out of the freezer, get in bed, and ugly cry all night. I make a deal with myself that if I can get through this dinner, I can have the ice cream and a good cry.
I fix my makeup and hair, but I keep the same light hoodie on and don ’ t change out of the shorts I ’ ve been wearing all day. I honestly don ’ t care that I look like I’ve been running around dealing with errands all day. I look the way I feel… ragged, emotionally exhausted, and sad.
When I get to the restaurant, Cole meets me outside.
“ Hello , beautiful,” he says as he embraces me. “ How are you?”
“ Hey,” I say, hoping my tone isn ’ t overly dry. “ I ’ m alright. How have you been? Feels like forever since I ’ ve seen you.”
“ I know, and it sucks. But that ’ s why we have to make the most of the time we do have together,” he says with his flashy grin. I feel a pang as it elicits the same warmth in me it always has. But that feeling is quickly replaced with the resentment I ’ ve harbored since he enlisted.
“ Let ’ s get inside,” I tell him, skipping over a response to his comment.
If Cole notices that something is off, he doesn ’ t say anything. Not at first, anyway. It ’ s not until the waiter has brought our food that he stops talking about everything he ’ s been doing in his training and asks me how I am.
“ Oh, you know,” I say. “ Just doing the same old same old. Talking to my old buddy, the black line, working on my degree, and thinking about what I ’ m going to do after.”
“ I ’ ve been looking into where I might be stationed after training,” Cole says. “ Every time a potential base is mentioned, I look up the physical therapy clinics in the area so I can send you resources on where you might want to apply for a job.”
“ I ’ m actually thinking of applying at the clinic right here.”
“ Oh. I mean, you could,” he says. “ We can focus more on that after the wedding.”
“ Cole, ” I hold up my hand. “ Stop.”
“ Are you okay?”
“ No. I ’ m not okay. How could I be? You uprooted everything in our lives, Cole, everything! And for what?”
“ Bella, ” he says, using the tone he uses when he doesn ’ t think I can see his point of view. “ We ’ ve been over this.”
“ But we haven ’ t been over it from my end of things,” I interrupt. “ I ’ m sorry about what happened to your dad, Cole, but signing up to get yourself killed isn ’ t going to bring him back.”
“ I didn ’ t sign up to get myself killed, Bella. I don ’ t know why you can ’ t get past this.”
“ Why not?!” I cry out but lower my voice when I realize how much emotion I ’ d put into it. “ Cole, my dad died when I was a teenager. Then we go through losing your dad. And now you and your brother signed up to be next in line. I get that you think you ’ ll go over there and do heroic and noble things, but you ’ re not thinking it through entirely. You ’ re not going to be immune. You ’ re putting yourself directly in danger, and quite frankly, I find it pretty selfish.”
“ I ’ m sorry you feel that way,” he replies. “ I know this isn ’ t what we ’ d planned originally, but I'm asking you to understand that I feel like I've found my calling. I feel I’m meant to do this with my life.”
“ So you feel like this is more important than me… more important than us ? I ask, my voice catching in my throat.
“ That’s ridiculous, Bella,” Cole says, guessing what I ’ m getting at. “ You ’ re comparing apples to oranges here. The fulfillment I ’ m getting from following my calling into service is entirely separate from the love I feel for you. It ’ s not even in the same realm.”
“ And I ’ m telling you that ever since you enlisted, you ’ re not the same Cole. Your priorities have changed, and now you’re all about the service and your goals. Sure, you say we when you talk about the future, but ever since you signed that piece of paper – wait, strike that — ever since you made the unilateral decision to sign that piece of paper, everything has been about you and what you want.”
“ Don ’ t make me choose,” Cole says, his voice almost a groan. “ We knew going into this that it was going to be difficult, but I promise you, with time, it ’ s going to get easier. More than that, this will all be worth it in the end.”
I scoff, hurt by how closed off he is to my feelings, and once again annoyed that he ’ s acting as though I had any say in this.
“ We didn ’ t know anything,” I tell him, “ Because we didn ’ t sign up for this. I ’ m not making you choose, Cole, because there isn ’ t a choice for you in this.”
“ What are you saying? he asks, raising an eyebrow.
“ The decision is made,” I tell him simply. “ I can ’ t do this. Any of this. I ’ m done, Cole.”
“ You ’ re ending us?”
I slip the ring off.
“ It ’ s over, ” I say, sliding it across the table to him with tears in my eyes.
I get up and walk away, leaving him sitting at the table. My heart breaking with each step I take, but I know I can ’ t do this anymore. I can ’ t sign up for the kind of life where I live in fear.
And I have to do what ’ s right for me.