Chapter 10
Sean paced in the quiet house. What had he been thinking?
He hadn’t been thinking, and that was the problem.
He swore he could still feel the silkiness of Monica’s face. The taste of her lips lingered on his.
Unfaithful.
His eyes closed as the word echoed in his ears and locked his feet in place. Even in his current state, he knew it was a lie. Maybe so, but surely his heart couldn’t ache any more if it were true. He sank down into a chair, put his elbows on his knees, and dropped his head into his hands.
His feelings were a jumbled mess—love for Brittany and loyalty to their covenant. At the same time, overwhelming attraction for Monica.
Not just attraction, though. What he felt for her was more complicated than that. He liked her and enjoyed her company, and...and there was more, but beyond those truths, he couldn’t think. It was like a veil prevented him from seeing anything further.
What did he want to be there?
Before he could find an answer, the front door opened. Mom came in with Jace in her arms, Dad right behind. The second they cleared the threshold, Jace held out his arms.
“Hey, buddy.” Sean got to his feet just in time to catch the baby as he lunged forward. “Did you have a good time?” He received a stream of baby gibberish in return.
Sean sat with Jace in his lap and helped him out of his coat. As soon as his little arms were free, he threaded his fingers through Sean’s beard and tugged.
Sean yelped and grabbed his hands. “What’s gotten into you?”
Sean’s mom doubled over in laughter.
“Don’t encourage him,” Sean said. “I thought I broke him of that months ago.”
“He’s coming home with a new opinion on beards,” Mom said. “After tonight you may have to re-educate him on facial hair.”
Sean looked from his son to his parents. “Somebody want to tell me what’s going on?”
Mom opened her mouth but all that came out was choking laughter.
Dad’s voice wasn’t much better as he tried to explain. “When he sat with Santa—”
“No,” Mom said. “Let me tell it.” She took a couple of deep breaths to compose herself.
“When he got his chance to visit with Santa, Santa leaned over him to try and make out what he was saying.” Mom paused to wipe tears from her eyes.
“Santa’s beard must have tickled Jace’s nose.
From where we were standing it looked like he reached up to scratch his nose.
His fingers must have gotten tangled in the beard because when he pulled his hand away Santa’s beard came with it. ”
Sean sat his son back on his knees. “Jace!”
“It was hilarious,” Dad said. “There were parents trying to cover their kid’s eyes, the elves were trying to reconnect the beard, and Santa was laughing so hard he almost dropped Jace.”
“I always miss the good stuff.”
Mom waved her phone. “We got pictures and once the commotion died down and Santa got put back together, they took a great picture.” She opened a small bag and handed a photograph to Sean. “I had them print an extra for you.”
Sean grinned down at the picture. Jace’s eyes were bright, his slobbery smile filled with joy.
Sean’s vacillating mood crashed under a wave of sorrow.
Brittany was supposed to be here for this. It should have been Brittany taking their son to visit Santa. Brittany hanging stockings and Christmas shopping.
It should have been Brittany that Sean had kissed under the mistletoe. Not Monica.
If he’d needed any clarification about his feelings, he’d just received it.
***
WHEN MONICA’S ALARM sounded the next morning, she groaned. It was the first time in her life that she could remember dreading Sunday morning service. She rolled under the blankets and pulled a pillow into her arms. What was she going to say to Sean when she saw him?
The question dragged her to the side of the bed. She swung her feet to the floor. Her hands trembled as she reached for the nightstand to pick up the picture the photographer had taken the night before. She’d captured the moment beautifully.
It was a kiss that Monica’d had no warning was coming but had sent her senses reeling.
Even now, just looking at the picture, her heartbeat hitched.
In her memory, she tried to slow down time, to drag out the feeling of his lips on hers, to remember the tilt of his head, the slight scratch of his beard. The sweetness of the moment.
When he’d drawn back there’d been an expression in his eyes that Monica could only describe as wonder. A wonder that died an instant later under a flash of pain.
I’m sorry.
She wondered for the thousandth time who he’d been apologizing to.
Her or his dead wife.
The answer didn’t matter. Either way, Monica was likely to come out the loser. She was tempted to rip the picture in half and toss it into the trash can. Instead, she folded it to her chest. It might be the only evidence she’d ever have that dreams might really come true.
With a huff of breath, she placed the picture back on the nightstand and gave up thoughts of missing morning service. She could hear her dad’s voice in her head.
“Girl, how you feel is secondary to the needs of others. It’s only in meeting those needs that we find fulfillment for ourselves. Now pick yourself up, put a smile on your face, and do what needs doing.”
Bobbie’s voice followed close behind.
Monica is our resident superwoman. She always goes the extra mile and takes on the projects no one else has time for.
She flopped back on the bed. What would it feel like to be selfish for one day?
To put all the projects and jobs on hold and do something wild and crazy for herself.
Something like missing church when her heart ached with a sadness she hadn’t been prepared for.
Would it really be so bad to fill a bathtub with hot water and bubbles, light a couple of lilac candles, and let her tears fall?
Monica got to her feet. She’d never know the answer to that question because that was laziness talking, and her dad hadn’t raised a slacker.
***
AS THE SUN ROSE OVER Garfield, Sean stared at the same ceiling that he’d been staring at all night.
He listened as the house slowly awakened around him.
Dad’s shower came on. Jace jabbered across the hall.
Mom’s soft footsteps and gentle voice carried from the hall as she went to get the baby.
He wasn’t being lazy. His mom had taken over morning baby duty in the days since he’d been home.
There were times he missed that early morning interaction with his son, but today he was grateful for Mom’s presence.
His watch beeped to remind him of the time, and he sat up slowly, groggy from the sleepless night.
When he’d been a boy and the preacher’s kid, missing church took an act of Congress and either blood, vomit, or a temperature above one hundred.
Now that he was a grown man, he figured he could do what he wanted.
What he wanted was to lie in bed and feel sorry for himself.
He figured if anyone was entitled, he was.
But his words to Benjamin about respecting his parents remained true.
He’d respect them and the sham of their religion for as long as he lived in their home.
He intended to change that living arrangement as soon as possible.
His sleepless night hadn’t gone to waste.
He’d managed to come to some conclusions about his life.
He needed an apartment so that he and Jace could begin the process of rebuilding their lives.
Having Mom and Dad around to spoil the baby was a great thing—and part of the reason he’d moved back to Garfield.
But the main reason behind the move remained Sean’s need to find a place where he could stand on his own two feet.
He planned to call the real estate agent first thing in the morning and finalize the rental he’d looked at yesterday.
Ubering provided a nice part-time income, but his savings wouldn’t last forever, especially after paying rent. He had a second interview tomorrow afternoon with a marketing firm, and even though the job wouldn’t start until mid-January, he’d take it if they offered it to him. He was ready.
And then there was Monica.
Last night had proven to him that he could not continue to spend time with her, even as a friend.
One of them was going to get hurt, which wasn’t what he wanted.
In the long hours of the night, he’d developed a sketchy plan.
If he saw her at church—and he was sure he would—he would treat her with the politeness she deserved.
After all, he’d been the one to kiss her, not the other way around.
Until he got a full-time job, he’d continue to Uber and ignore anything that came through with her name or address on it.
And even though his brother would call him a quitter, Sean had no intention of continuing to train for the marathon with the group.
There were other places he could run where he wouldn’t run into Monica.
Sean closed his eyes. None of those things made him happy.
Monica’s smile and laughter had lodged under his skin.
Maybe in another time or place they could have been more than friends, but for now, he had to maintain some distance between them.
She made him want things that he’d never have again.
His life with Brittany had been as close to perfect as any two people could have.
The thought that he could replicate that relationship with another woman was a fantasy he needed to put an end to.
The end started today.
***