Chapter Ten #2
I’ve seen him, but there’s a small part of me that’s wants to pretend I haven’t.
And then it’s too late to run away or back out, and Lucius is standing opposite me in the set and the music starts.
It’s a very sedate minuet, and I’m aware that all eyes in the ballroom are watching every dancer and their partner.
Much is made of first dances, and the old chaperones swap stories in very loud voices and have us all married off.
I can just imagine what they’re saying about two distant cousins, very suitably paired, and a wealthy family doing the right thing by their poorer relations.
And yet, as much as I feel Lucius enjoys dancing with me by the expression on his face, his manners are much the same I’ve seen from other young gentlemen of his station.
I’m sure he thinks my affections might be easily cultivated if that is his desire, and he’ll oblige his family, though I’m certain it’s more likely he’ll become engaged to an heiress who will bring considerably more to a marriage than good looks and a respectable lineage.
But, for the moment he wishes to please his grandfather who is very old, and will certainly leave him a healthy inheritance.
And, Great-Uncle Frank who has engineered such an alliance feels he has done his job.
He will not leave us his money, but thinks he has done the best he can for us.
Lucius doesn’t attempt to speak to me, but makes much of the moments when we come together.
He gazes into my eyes with such intent that I instantly look elsewhere, and I feel the pressure of his fingers, and a sharper sting, like a pin or a fingernail pierce my palm.
His fingers squeeze tighter, and his lips curl into a smile when he sees my discomfort, but I feel I must be imagining the pain and the pleasure in his eyes.
‘You remind me of a dove I once possessed,’ he says, as he takes my hand once more.
His voice is so low I can hardly catch what he is saying, and must incline my head towards him in an effort to hear.
‘When it was dying, its small plump breast rose and fell so rapidly its heart was visible beneath the pale surface. Ivory skin, blue veins and the swell above a heart pulsating with life … you are a very pretty bird, Miss Austen.’
I can hardly believe the words I am hearing.
I feel discomforted and somewhat frightened, but surely I must be mistaken …
he could not be so bold or so vulgar. The dance stops, and Lucius bows.
The torment is to start all over again for a second dance, but I cannot help hearing his words going round in my head, though he is as composed as ever.
‘You are an excellent dancer, Miss Austen. It is a pleasure to know you and your family better. Our introduction last year, I was sure, would be a prelude to many more. My grandfather always speaks so highly of your father … I am glad to know him better.’
Suddenly, I feel more at ease, and anyone who speaks so well of Papa deserves an answer.
‘My father would be very gratified to hear that, he is indebted to your grandfather for many things, not least, his start in life. I know my father is very pleased to be in touch with his Kentish relations. Indeed, we are all pleased to have made your acquaintance.’
I feel better now an attempt at a conversation has succeeded to some extent.
I still cannot entirely forget his earlier words, but I’ve convinced myself I misheard a portion of it.
The second dance is easier, but I am relieved now it is over.
As Lucius escorts me from the floor my mother is smiling.
It is easy to see how pleased she is by the connection, and pausing in her conversation with Lucius’s mother, she compliments us on our dancing.
The whole ordeal has been so exhausting that I’m almost surprised when I see Mr Fowle standing before me.
He bows and holds out his hand. Time slows down, and I feel happiness course through my veins.
However, it is not long before all my hopes are dashed. The ease I felt before has gone; there is no intimacy between us, and Mr Fowle seems withdrawn from me. Then, just as our first dance finishes, he speaks.
‘I daresay your family will be keen to secure an engagement with Mr Austen. I have often heard Jemmy talk of his relations in Kent … an alliance would help secure the fortunes of you all.’
‘There is no arrangement, I assure you. Besides, I am barely out, Mr Fowle. Even my mother, who does not believe in long engagements or in delaying such matters, would not press me to anything I am not ready for.’
‘You are young, Miss Austen, though I’ve always thought you wise for your years.
You are considered to be an ideal age for matrimony by many, and if both families wish it, what is there to stand in your way?
And long engagements, a union secured by the bonds of familial association are most traditional. ’
The music is starting again. When Mr Fowle takes my hand I can’t help feeling the contrast between the way he holds my fingers and the same endured by Lucius.
The moment is tender, and looking into his eyes, like deep liquid pools, I find myself drawn in and catch my breath.
I know that whatever my family wishes for me, my heart rails against it.
‘I suppose there is nothing to stand in our way except a desire to make it happen, and for my part I have no wish to be engaged,’ I dare to say at last. ‘My cousin is hardly more than a boy.’
‘And yet, these sort of alliances are often formed from the cradle.’
We separate, and I feel the agony of having so little time to speak to him.
When we come together again, Mr Fowle opens his mouth to speak, but hesitates.
He smiles instead, and then his hand is placed on the small of my back for just a moment, and his fingers are on the curve of my waist as we dance down the set.
I feel the blush on my cheeks, and a rush of elation as the dance moves faster.
It’s a country dance and the mood is shifting.
The ballroom is a swirling frenzy of life and colour as the dancers clap and kick up their heels, link arms and twirl this way and that.
‘Or do you have a general disinclination for matrimony, Miss Austen? Is your heart never to be given to another?’
How shall I answer? Should I make my true feelings clear as my cousin Eliza would do? But, for the life of me I cannot invent a coquettish reply, and I know I can only be true to myself.
‘I should like to be married one day, Mr Fowle … but perhaps not just yet. I am little acquainted with the world and I should like to know something of it before I walk down the aisle.’
‘A very prudent answer, Miss Austen … I would expect nothing less. Coming to Bath must be a very great part of your education, I think.’
Is he laughing at me? There is a hint of a smirk making his mouth curve on one side. I must sound too earnest, and yet I cannot think how to show I can be as light-hearted as Eliza or my sister Jane.
‘It is most exciting, Mr Fowle.’
‘And what has been your greatest enjoyment so far?’
‘This ball, sir, undoubtedly.’
‘And dancing with me, I hope.’
Is it my imagination or has he increased the pressure on my fingers?
He is gazing at me with such a delightful expression I cannot tear my eyes away, and as the dance finishes, and we walk from the floor, he hooks my arm in his before delivering me safely to my parents and the rest of our party.
Mr Fowle bows and walks away without another glance.
Our two dances are over, and I know, as much as I wish it, we cannot dance again.
‘Cassandra, your cheeks are flushed quite red,’ Aunt Leigh-Perrot remarks. ‘I think you need to compose yourself, my dear, and recover after such exertion. Perhaps we should repair to the tea-room, and find some cooling refreshment.’
I follow my aunt who starts to lecture me on the etiquette of dance. ‘However much we enjoy a country hop, Cassandra, it is not seemly to get worked up to fever pitch. Always maintain one’s composure … only a pale complexion is to be admired. We are not of the serving class jigging in a barn.’
‘No, Aunt, I shall remember in future,’ I say, though I feel it is hardly my fault.
We sit down at the table, and though I feel somewhat admonished, Mr Fowle’s dark head appearing in the doorway affords much cheer, and when he seats himself on the table opposite and continues to watch me, I feel my colour rise all over again.