Chapter Thirty Two
Caroline
Fitzrovia, London
That was the last entry for August, there was no mention of the dinner or ball or what had happened, and the next entry described Jane’s travels to London.
As I flicked through the remaining pages of the journal trying to find any references to her cousin, I found there were none, and could only wonder whether their friendship had developed into something more than the close friendship they’d enjoyed.
I racked my memory over the experiences I’d had in Bath when I’d been lucky enough to see life through Cassandra’s eyes, and remembered her observing Jane’s pink cheeks in the Pump Rooms when talking to her cousin Thomas.
That they’d remained friends was clearly true, and I was sure he must always have held a special place in her heart, no matter what had happened in the future.
The rest of May passed by in a blur of tears.
There was a continued silence from Harry and his sister, but I knew I had no right to expect anything else.
I thought about Harry all the time, and of how he must despise me, and I was sure Elsa must have puzzled over how she could have been so wrong to make a friend of me.
Piers tried to reach out, but I brushed him off, saying I had too much work to do for my degree show.
I don’t think he really believed me, but he gave up trying after a while, and I began to feel sorry that I’d pushed him away.
He’d been such a good friend, and yet, a part of me decided I didn’t really deserve any friends at all.
I’d treated every one I loved so badly that I felt consumed with shame.
I even shut my mum out, and didn’t go home for a month, giving the same excuse that I was working hard, and couldn’t spare the time.
At the beginning of June, I had everything in place for my show, the only part of my life that seemed to be going well.
I was really pleased with the collection I’d put together, though some of the pieces held many associations with Harry and the inspiration I’d gleaned in Bath.
Looking at those made me feel wretched, but I made myself do it, as a kind of punishment.
One Saturday morning I woke up feeling particularly sorry for myself, and I realised not only had I nothing to do, but I had nobody to do nothing with.
There’s nothing so sad as being truly lonely, and I pulled the bed covers over my head, deciding to spend the day in bed.
The front door bell started ringing seconds later, and I couldn’t bear to get up and answer the door.
I was not looking my best with greasy hair, dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep - my diet of fish and chips or baked beans on toast, when I could be bothered to eat, had made my skin break out.
But the bell would not stop ringing, and then I heard one of the other girls in the house open the door.
There were rumbling voices in the hall below, but I didn’t think it could possibly be for me, so I buried my head under the pillow with the idea of going back to sleep.
When there was a knock at the door I froze in my bed, suddenly wide-awake. If I was perfectly still and made no noise they might go away I told myself, but the knocking continued louder than ever. And then a voice called out.
‘I know you’re in there, Caroline. Imogen told me you must still be in bed, so get up and answer the door.’
It was Piers, and it was so good to hear his voice even if he sounded cross, that I leapt out of bed straight away, slipping on my kimono and dragging a hairbrush through my hair.
I still looked awful, but there wasn’t time to make any further improvements, though I was sure Piers would let me know how much I’d let myself go.
I opened the door and threw myself into his arms.
‘Forgive me for not being in touch,’ I said, letting him go and looking back into his eyes that were scrutinising my appearance. ‘I’ve just been so busy.’
‘Have you,’ he said, but he didn’t say it as a question, it was more like an accusation, and I knew he didn’t really believe me. ‘Well, now I’ve forced an invitation, are you going to let me in?’
I stood aside, and he marched in. Following him into the sitting room, I saw him stop suddenly, take a step back and let out a loud ‘Whoa’.
I saw through his eyes what a mess the room looked.
There were books and sketchpads on every surface, half-filled mugs of coffee with mould growing on the top, sticky rings on the table, and just stuff everywhere - a stack of vinyl records stuck together with the remains of sticky toast crumbs smeared in jam, several encrusted baked bean tins, and a bowl of grapes covered in fur.
The vase containing what were now dried flowers filled the air with the smell of dank water, and the whole place looked filthy and unloved, a bit like me.
‘Right, you go and have a bath, and put on some clean clothes, and I’ll sort this out … no arguing,’ said Piers with a gravity in his voice I’d never heard before. ‘Go right now before I change my mind.’
I didn’t stop to argue, and ran a bath of what turned out to be lukewarm water because there wasn’t any hot left in the system, but at least I wouldn’t smell any more when I’d finished.
By the time I’d dressed and dried my hair, I felt so much better, even if my clothes were hanging off me.
I’d just got out of the habit of eating very much.
Being miserable had curbed my appetite, and only spending time by myself, it had been easy not to bother about food.
When I walked into the sitting room I gasped.
I’d forgotten how lovely the room could look.
The sofa and chairs were looking plumped up and cosy, the surfaces were sparkling, and there was a smell of polish in the air.
He’d even managed a trip to the shops. There were old-fashioned roses in a vase on the table, and the smell of warming croissants coming from the oven.
‘You’d make a lovely husband,’ I said, kissing him on his cheek. ‘I can’t thank you enough; everywhere looks wonderful. I know I don’t deserve it.’
‘No, you don’t, and I have to say it was a lot worse than I feared, but I love you, dearest Caroline, and I couldn’t leave you any longer living in squalor.
We’re going to have breakfast now … pass me the orange juice out of the fridge, and you can tell me all about it.
And I’m not talking about the dresses you’ve been making …
I’m talking about what’s happened between you and Harry. ’
I knew I couldn’t avoid it any longer or lie to Piers, and in any case it was such a relief to get it out and into the open. I told him everything, word for word, and admitted how ashamed I was of myself.
‘Do you understand why I didn’t get in touch now? It wasn’t because I didn’t want to see you, but because of how I felt about myself, Piers. I’m wracked with guilt and shame, and don’t know what to do about any of it.’
‘I’ll tell you what you’re going to do. You’re going to get on a train to Bath this afternoon.
Here’s your ticket … Mrs Partridge is expecting you.
I’ve only booked you in for two nights, and when you’ve told Harry what an idiot you are and begged his forgiveness you can come home again.
But, leaving things, letting them fester to eat you up from the inside out is not a good idea.
It might not make a jot of difference, and you might have to face the fact that Harry will hate you forever, but you cannot go on like this. ’
I looked at the train ticket in disbelief. ‘But, he isn’t in Bath. He told me he was going to stay on in Wales and look after his uncle.’
Piers reached out and took my hand. ‘Ellen didn’t have the heart to tell you, but it was in the papers. Harry’s uncle passed away last month, and when she phoned Mrs Partridge to see if she had any more news, she said Harry was back in Bath … he’s been there for two weeks now.’
‘And, I suppose you’ve known all along what happened. Mrs Partridge probably knows just how horrible I am too.’
‘I can assure you, she knows nothing of the sort.’
‘I see you haven’t exactly contradicted me. Oh, please don’t make me go, Piers … I couldn’t face him.’
‘What does the Mother Superior say in The Sound of Music when Maria says she won’t go back to the Captain?’
‘I have absolutely no idea.’
‘That walls were not built to shut out problems, that you have to face them, head on. You can’t run away from the truth … you’ve got to live the life you were born to live … something like that. I used to have it off by heart.’
‘You’ll be singing, Climb every mountain next.’
‘I can sing it rather well, as a matter of fact. Are you sure you don’t want to hear it?’
‘Quite sure,’ I said, but got up from the table to put my arms round him again. ‘Thank you for being such a darling friend. Not that I think anything useful will be accomplished by it, but if it will help Harry or myself feel better, you’re right … I’ve got to do it.’
‘Hurry up and pack your bag,’ he said, getting up to clear the table. ‘The train leaves Paddington at two-thirty.’
***
It only took just over an hour to get to Bath, and when I stepped out of the station it brought back so many memories, making me feel completely unsure of what I was doing.
I hadn’t got much money, but fortunately my bag wasn’t too heavy so I decided to walk to Pulteney Street.
When I arrived at the house Mrs Partridge was waiting with a big hug, and took me straight upstairs.
‘You’re very lucky the house is vacant, just now, so I’ve put you in your old room, you’ll be glad to hear.
It’s a pity you can’t stop longer … there aren’t any guests coming now for a week or so, but Mr Howarth said you had to get back for your special show at art school. I do hope it’s all going well, dear.’
‘Yes, thank you, Mrs Partridge. Everything is ready, and I’m just waiting for the day now.’