Chapter 43
Nina had just finished feeding Faye in the sitting room of her flat. It had felt very strange to be back in her old world as mummy to Faye. She kept on looking around at all her old things with very different eyes. Once Faye was done, Nina went down to the pram, detached the top section and settled Faye in the little seat and then rocked it back and forth over and over again. When Faye had finally dropped off, Nina had tucked a blanket over her legs, made a cup of tea and walked into her old bedroom.
As the last time she’d visited the flat, when she’d been pregnant with Faye, she opened the wardrobe door and inhaled. Nothing. She looked at the jumble of mess and Andrew’s things and picked up the sleeve of one of his jackets and inhaled. He was in there somewhere. Just about.
With her tea in her hand, she stepped into the wardrobe and turned around looking out over towards the bed. ‘Hello. How are you? I’m back.’
I can see that. With a plus one.Imaginary Andrew said in her head.
‘Ha ha. Very funny.’
She’s gorgeous. I am happy for you.So happy.
Tears streamed down Nina’s cheeks. ‘Thanks. I had her at the top of a lighthouse.’
You always did pick your moments.
‘I miss you so much. Still. Like really a lot. So much. All the time sometimes.’
I know. Right back at you.
‘Faye is her name.’
Thank **** you went for something classic.
Nina laughed through her tears. ‘I did think about you when Robby came up with that name.’
It’s pretty.
‘You’d love her.’
I bet.
‘I wish you could see her, Andrew. She has these tiny little fingers, and, oh, the way she looks at me sometimes. I really wish…’
Aww. I’m with you in spirit. Literally. Ha!
Nina smiled, wiping away tears. ‘You always did know how to make me feel better.’
And I’ll always love you, Neens. Always. How’s Robby?
‘Adores her, like more than I thought…’
That’s good to hear. I’m so glad.
‘Yep, he’s been amazing. There”s this way he looks at her as if she’s the most precious thing in the world. It’s really something.’
I’m so glad you’re both loved. That’s what you deserved.
‘I know. It’s just… sometimes I feel guilty as if I’m replacing you.’
Pah! Ridiculous. You’re not. You’re living. You know I would have wanted that.
‘It’s hard sometimes. Loving someone new, feeling like, I don’t know, like I’m getting further and further away from you, but also never wanting to let you go. It makes me panic when I think about not remembering you, your face, your smell, us. Like I’m scared, Andrew.’
Just keep me inside somewhere. Bring me out for weddings and funerals, the odd christening. Keep me on your bedside table, if you like.
‘Ha.’
I love that you’re okay, Neens.
‘That’s what Soph said you would say if, you know…’
Trust me, I do.
‘I’ll tell Faye all about you, how brave and silly you were. How much I loved you. How happy we were. The wedding, the flat, you know, the holidays, when we met.’
Don’t forget handsome.
‘How could I?’ Nina chuckled through her tears and blubbed.
I’m glad you’re okay. Kiss Faye for me.
‘I will. Thanks, Andrew, for, you know, talking.’
Anytime, Neens. Anytime.
As Nina stood in the wardrobe a little bit longer, the hot lines of tears going down her cheeks turned to full on ugly crying though the silent version so she didn’t wake Faye. As she stepped out of the wardrobe and did a massive sniff, she felt exponentially upset and calm both at the same time. She closed the wardrobe, and went back to check on Faye and as she looked at her tucked up asleep she felt her heart fill to the absolute brim. She stared at Faye’s teeny tiny eyelashes, little rosebud pink cheeks and most perfect ears and flicked her eyes to the mantelpiece and the collection of frames displaying various pictures of her and Andrew. She plonked herself on the sofa, took a clean muslin out of her changing bag, scrunched it up in front of her, held it up to her face and cried and cried and cried.