43. CHAPTER 43
Kira
The Capital
Kallum, Ciondo
Innocent eyes in the portraits of the Riven children faded to empty smiles by the end of the hallway. Did the High General's mother have a hallway of her own with a similar progression from child to man to monster?
Kira met Zayne's dead eyes in the last photo on the wall. He wore a ceremonial uniform, his face looking too young for war. It must have been the day he graduated from the academy.
Staying alive in this empire meant accepting death when it came, because the sacrifice for keeping breath in your lungs was to eventually tarnish your soul for the Phaedra.
Either Kira lived to the fullest until her heart stopped, or she destroyed her humanity to survive as a breathing corpse.
The choice was never life or death. It was always life until death or slave to the empire's cruelty.
And Kira promised Zayne to stay alive.
She promised herself and all the people who came before her, the ones who fought until their bodies gave out.
If she surrendered to the Phaedra, she was no longer alive. Not in any way that mattered to her.
“Are you nervous?” Adelle's sweet voice.
Turning, she met the eyes of the mother who took her in, so thankful to experience that kind of love. “No.”
“I have a gift for you. My mom gave it to me, and I think your mom would want you to have it.”
Kira followed her up the stairs and continued past the second floor to parts of the house she'd never been to.
Down a long hall, Adelle ushered her into a room that felt so different compared to the rest of the house.
None of the expensive decor or stiff chairs filled this room.
Instead, she saw a plush armchair with a fuzzy blanket, a dresser covered with pictures of her children and grandchildren smiling, and artwork that felt more like Adelle than the paintings anywhere else.
One piece featured a violet with more shades of purple and blue than Kira could count, set against a creamy white background.
Simple, masterful, beautiful.
“This is the gift.” Adelle patted the bed. “The only room in the empire where I feel safe talking openly of revolt.”
“Your mom gave this to you.”
“She did. She gave me a safe place to think and speak freely. For my family growing up, it was our church in a hidden basement. For us, it's this room. Luke and Andi may not be on the path yet, but I never give up. And even if Zayne gets lost for a time, he'll never truly lose his way.”
The path cut through time and war and the Collapse of an entire world to every person who ever stood against cruelty—those named in history and those unknown.
Followers honored every person who sought justice equally.
Kira sat beside Adelle and rested her head against her shoulder, clasping her hand.
“You know I don't want to leave you, right?” Kira asked.
“I know, darling.” Adelle patted her hand. “Does Zayne realize what you plan to do?”
“He thinks he can stop me and that what I say to my mom doesn't matter.”
A long sigh, and Adelle rested her head against Kira's. “What you say always matters.” “Fighting the Phaedra, isn't as simple as right and wrong. You make choices. Compromises and sacrifices. Those are what kill most people. They lose the thread, wander from the path, and get lost in the war.”
Grief crashed into Kira's heart. Standing against Zayne was hard enough. Not Adelle too. “Sometimes keeping hold of the thread means giving up your life.”
“And sometimes it means giving up your words. I've already sent the message for Becka not to speak. The elders promise she received it. Zayne sent messages of his own. Your mother will be hearing from every direction to keep silent and trust the thread of justice to cling to you and protect you.”
“We're human. The Followers are human, and so is Zayne. Some wars can't be won.” Kira sat up and met her eyes. “You've been fighting a war just for me, and I'm so thankful. The cost is so high.” She rubbed the pain out of her chest. “Not just the cost for the Followers.”
The understanding in Adelle's eyes broke Kira. “I know.”
“I know you do. You live in this house where you can't escape it.” Shifting on the bed to face her, Kira still clung to Adelle's hand. “Zayne is going to get himself killed trying to save me. He'll never stop, not until he's dead.”
Adelle's lip quivered. “I know.”
“I'm not sure anyone can help me. It's up to me to save myself, and if I can't, it's up to me to choose my path.” A whole life behind her and all the wonderful possibilities ahead of her—it all gaped wide open in her heart.
“I'm not making my choice in a black or white view of right and wrong.
I'm not making it on principle. I'm doing what I have the power to do.”
Adelle chuckled quietly, and it was anything but happy.
“By loving us, the Phaedra thought you'd bind yourself to him and fool your heart into compliance.
He doesn't understand what he's fighting against. The good in you is the same good that's been transcending suffering since the beginning of humanity. The good that ended wars and freed the enslaved and saved rights from the hands of greedy men. No matter how many times the spirit of the Phaedra kills us, we return. We stay steady. All that good lives in you. It lives in any of us who choose it.”
“Then you understand why I have to do this,” Kira said.
“I understand why you think you do. Our power is subtle. We see his in bombs that rip apart innocent bodies. He often can't see ours. The Phaedra has beaten the good out of so many people. Do you know how some people survive the men who hurt us?”
Adelle slid a strand of Kira's hair behind her ear, touch as soft as her whisper. Kira just watched her, wanting to stay here with her forever, speaking in the silence the Phaedra demanded, voices mingling with generations of unbreakable revolutionaries.
“They love those men,” Adelle said. “They love them more than they've ever loved anyone. They push the fear down so deep inside they don't know it's there, and they worship the men who abuse them—praying, praying, praying they might be spared.”
Adelle was right. The people who should hate the Phaedra most often offered him the most praise and excuses.
“I love that you tell those same men no.” Tears dampened Adelle's eyes.
“But damn it, does it terrify me for you, my sweet girl.
The Phaedra won't hear you say no. Sometimes, we need to shout it out at him. Most times, we should be strategic. Take a lesson from the people deluding themselves into loving him. Pretend today so you can fight tomorrow.”
Kira buried her face against Adelle's shoulder and wept without trying to stop herself. If she pretended to capitulate and told Mom to give up the Followers, she risked pushing her mom to do just that. What if Mom didn't listen to everyone urging her to stay quiet?
“Please,” Adelle whispered, rocking her softly.
“Please be careful. Please, Kira. Please, sweet girl.
I'll never ask you to stop. I never asked Zayne to stop.” A sob cracked Adelle's voice.
“But please be careful with this heart and life I love so much.
Don't make decisions until the moment you know. It's never too late to reconsider.”
“You be careful too,” Kira whispered back. “We need you.”
“I'll always be careful for you kids. Now hold on, okay? Don't give up hope.”
The grief burrowing in her chest ached with a depth of pain her mind couldn't comprehend.
“Adelle…” Kira allowed herself to be broken and whole at once.
Fighting and alive while also dying from the terror and pain.
“It's only a matter of time, and I would rather do it than give the Phaedra the satisfaction.”
Adelle never faltered as the picture of strength and wisdom. Not until now. Fear cracked through her composure. “I'll never agree that you should kill yourself.”
Now it was Kira's turn to soften her voice and comfort this woman.
“I'd never ask you to. I only want your forgiveness if the time comes that I have to lay down my life.
Sometimes, people die, and no one can save them.
I want to live. I'd do anything to live.
But if I'm going to die, I'll die fighting.
I'll give my life to save the others, not lose it while praying, praying, praying to the Phaedra for mercy.”
The emotions gripped them both so much that neither of them noticed the door had opened until Zayne's low rumble coursed through the air. Adelle and Kira both flinched at the voice, twisting to stare at him.
“You will not die.” Never before had Zayne exuded as much authority and confidence as now. Speaking as if his decree alone could reorder the heavens and Earth and make it so.
He strode forward with his shoulders rigid and his eyes lethally hard, staring down on her for several seconds. Kira couldn't breathe.
Suddenly, Zayne hauled her up so forcefully her feet left the ground.
In an instant, he pressed against the wall, his grip commanding and his stare even more forceful.
He ripped the rest of the world away from her and forced her into this corner where she saw only him, felt only him. His hands were unyielding.
Even if he wasn't stronger than her, Zayne's touch immobilized her. The touch he gave her three years ago and denied her ever since. The touch she felt along her sides and lips when she slept.
Zayne seized control of her world in every way possible, so she stared helplessly into his eyes, her knees weak. Weak with shock and raw emotion and the humiliation of wanting him for so long.
Leaning down to level his face with hers, voice cutting and guttural, Zayne issued each word like its own separate command. “You. Will. Not. Die.”
A strangled breath squeezed from her tight lips.
No mercy. None.
His stare sliced through her, and he wasn't apologizing for it.
His order vibrated in her chest. “Say it.”
Kira's lips parted, but she couldn't speak.
Zayne's fingers dug into her arms, and his voice deepened. “Say it, now.”
“I will not die.” Nothing more than a vain gasp that she didn't mean to promise. He found her weakness and battered her spirit with it. There was still no air in her lungs. And Zayne still wasn't satisfied.
“Say it again.”
Hot tears broke from her eyes and trailed down her cheeks. Her jaw tightened until it ached, and then she raked in enough oxygen to say, “I will not die.”
His eyes searched hers several seconds longer, and then he released her, only to plant his hands on either side of her.
To lean in even closer, until his chest nearly touched hers.
“No, you fucking won't.” A confounding mix of fury and pain warred in his eyes, and for once, he didn't hide any of the emotions from her.
“I'm going to get you out of here.” His fist slammed into the wall, and she flinched—not because she was afraid he'd hit her.
He'd never hurt her. But because the pain flaring in his eyes was so strong, it choked her.
“You will not die. You promised to stay alive. Nothing has changed.”
He turned sharply and stalked past his mother, who gaped at him. Zayne slammed the door shut so hard the furniture rattled, and a picture tumbled from the wall to the floor.
Kira gasped in her first good breath.
Her body wilted, sliding to the ground.
Hands shaking, she clasped them to her middle, still feeling his burning stare.
All that certainty she felt, all that strength when she told Adelle she'd take her own life, crumbled away to nothing.
And it wasn't because Zayne scared her out of it or because she no longer feared what might happen if they failed.
It wasn't because of his confidence that he could free her and save the Followers.
No.
It was because Zayne let Kira see all the way into his soul and beneath his rage, his strength, his power. Down to a broken desperation crying out to her. She looked into the eyes of the boy who had once been trapped in Dr. Cooper's icy waters, and she heard his spirit pleading with hers.
Not again.
Not again.
Please, not again.
Kira lifted her fist to her mouth. It was already too hard to say goodbye to this life she wanted so desperately. Why did Zayne have to make it so hard to leave?
Why did he have to let her see that all that was broken inside of him? Right now, when this was the only time she needed him to hide from her.
He couldn't promise to get her out. It might not be possible. For all they knew, the Phaedra was on his way right now to kill the Followers.
Couldn't Zayne have been strong for her and done it himself? Instead, he made it worse by fighting her.
Or was he right?
Was Kira giving up on herself when she would never give up on someone else?
“I can't let them die.” Kira's voice sounded hollow as she lifted her dead gaze to Adelle. “I can't.”
And how could she take the chance her mom wouldn't break when Kira wasn't sure she'd stay strong in the same situation?