Chapter 15 Esme #2
He looked at me, narrowing his eyes. “Do you really expect me to believe that the best thing for us is to leave all our friends, who you’re always saying are like family, not to mention Grady who you love, and move to Seattle?
I understand that you’re reacting emotionally to a lot of changes happening in your life right now, but I don’t think you truly believe it’s the right thing.
If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in my room.
” He left, slamming the door behind him.
In all his years, he’d never slammed anything. The sound was like a punch in my gut.
Madison started to cry. I pulled her onto my lap, stroking her hair. “Don’t worry, baby. Everything’s going to be all right.”
But I didn’t believe a word coming out of my own mouth.
That evening, the three of us headed to Seraphina’s for our weekly dinner with the gang. Occasionally, Grady went with us, but not tonight. I hadn’t heard from him since the night before. I wasn’t sure what I’d expected, after how cruel I was to him, but it still hurt. What was he doing? Thinking?
Buying a mansion?
We got to Seraphina’s a little after six.
Robbie and Madison sped off to find the other kids, who were playing a game in the family room.
Alex and Vance were outside by the gas fire pit, with glasses of wine in hand.
I waved to them as I passed by on the way to the kitchen.
My friends were all gathered around the island, sipping wine or bubbly waters.
Someone had made a charcuterie platter full of cheeses, meats and fruit, probably Lila.
They all stopped talking when I arrived.
“Hey, everyone.” I put on my cheeriest smile, even though I felt like I was dying from the inside out.
“What’s going on?” Delphine asked. “We got a text from Robbie this morning, so don’t bother with a lie of omission. Spill it.”
“What did he tell you?” I settled onto one of the stools at the island.
“He said you’re having a crisis of faith,” Lila said in her gentle voice.
“And thinking about moving back up to Seattle,” Gillian said.
“He’s confused, right?” Seraphina asked.
“No. He’s not.” I helped myself to a glass of wine. “I’ve made a decision. I’m going to sell out and go home to my parents. I can’t keep limping along like I have been for the last five years.”
“Why on earth would you do such a thing?” Delphine asked. “We’re your family. What do you need? We’ll help you.”
“Is it the hospital bill?” Gillian asked. “Because Alex and I will just pay it.”
“Robbie said something about a program at USC this summer?” Lila asked. “And shoes for Madison?”
I breathed deeply to calm myself. “He shouldn’t have told you any of that.”
“But it’s true?” Seraphina asked, tossing her copper hair behind her shoulders. “And if so, why didn’t you just ask one of us to help? I would be happy to pay for Robbie to go. It sounds like a really big deal.”
“And he said Madison’s shoes are making her toe bleed,” Gillian said.
I flushed with embarrassment. “I got her a new pair today.” I’d gotten the payment from the wedding planner for the Morrison wedding, which would get me through a couple of weeks.
“Again, one of us could have covered it,” Seraphina said. “Why are you doing all this alone? You know that’s what we’re here for.”
I pulled a sheet of paper from my pocket and laid it on the island’s countertop, smoothing it with my fingers.
“This is a spreadsheet of all the money you’ve all given me over the last five years.
There’s a column with your name and the amount.
” I’d kept detailed notes, hoping someday I could repay all the loans.
With every additional column added, I’d felt more and more ashamed.
I tapped the paper with my fingers. “This is the reason I can’t ask again. ”
“But your parents have been so hard on you,” Lila said, ignoring the spreadsheet. “You belong here with us.”
“I want to know how Grady factors into all of this,” Delphine said, staring me down.
“Didn’t Robbie tell you that too?” I asked.
“Not exactly,” Gillian said. “He said that we should ask you about Grady.”
“That boy should be grounded, not sent to a STEM program,” I said, almost meaning it.
“Okay, here’s the deal.” I laid it all out for them.
Grady’s inheritance and his offer to sweep in and take care of everything I could ever need or want.
“He said he’d buy Madison five hundred pairs of shoes if that’s what she wanted. ”
“That’s a lot of shoes,” Seraphina said, smiling.
“How sweet of him,” Lila said. “And that’s absolutely bananas about his inheritance. Did he have any idea?”
“No, he thought all of the family money had been spent on legal fees and paying off victims. The only reason he’s taking it is because of us. The kids and me, that is. He didn’t want to take what he called blood money, but he changed his mind because I’ve made such a mess of my life.”
“Okay, so wait a minute,” Delphine said. “He went against his own moral code so that you and the kids could have what you need? How terrible of him.”
“It’s not that simple,” I said, feeling hot. “I’m not his girlfriend or his wife. It’s too much. I can’t possibly take him up on any of it.”
“I’ve had enough of your nonsense,” Delphine said. “You have to fix this. Right now.”
“There’s nothing to fix,” I said, taken aback. “I’ve made my decision.”
Delphine crossed her arms over her chest. “Let me tell you something, Esme Taylor. Do you know what I would do to get my husband back? And here you are, too proud to take what Grady’s offering.
You love him. We all know that, including you.
You’ve said it wouldn’t work because you’re both impractical small business owners. But I smell a rat.”
“Yeah, me too,” Seraphina said. “And it smells like fear.”
“You no longer have an excuse about why you can’t be together,” Lila said. “So you had to make up another one.”
I looked around at the faces of my friends, truly baffled by their reactions. “I’m just supposed to declare my undying love now that he has money? Who does that? No one good, I can assure you.”
Gillian shook her head, her eyes soft with sympathy. “Oh, Esme, no one who knows you would ever think that’s what you were doing. Especially not Grady.”
“Are you afraid of getting hurt again?” Lila asked. “Making the wrong choice?”
“Yes. Again,” I said. “I loved Jeff at one time, and look how great that turned out.”
“Grady is no Jeff,” Delphine said.
“I wish you two would just admit how you feel about each other,” Seraphina said, sounding agitated. “This is ridiculous. You have a chance to be happy. Why don’t you just let yourself have something good? Choose Grady. For yourself. For your kids. He’s offering you everything you’ve ever wanted.”
“How do you know what I want?” I asked, feeling petulant.
“Esme, c’mon. We all know you’ve loved him for years now,” Seraphina said. “And we also know that, deep in your heart, you’re yearning for a father for your kids and a partner for yourself. Not a flaky dreamer like Jeff. But a solid, sweet man like Grady.”
“Who now has the means to give you everything you deserve,” Gillian said.
“I know it’s weird about the money. I felt that way about Alex too.
When I knew him years ago, he was just a poor college student.
Not some high-tech millionaire. I didn’t want him or anyone else to think I was after his money. ”
“But I rejected the idea because I didn’t think he would be a reliable partner,” I said. “And now I’m supposed to suddenly decide he’s the one. It’s not right. I can’t be one of those women who only cares about a man once he’s rich.”
“Listen, the truth is, you have kids—and they have always come first, as it should be,” Seraphina said.
“Your assessment of Grady’s ability to provide a stable income for a family was not incorrect.
We just didn’t know who he really was. You made a decision about him with the knowledge you had at the time.
Now you know differently. It’s time to let him into your heart. And your life.”
“Agree. And that’s what you’re going to do,” Delphine said. “You’re going to put aside this ridiculous notion about going back to Seattle. You’ve fought too hard to make a good life for yourself.”
Gillian walked around the island to give me a hug. “We’re not trying to gang up on you. But, sweetie, you have to tell Grady you love him and have for years.”
“Robbie’s probably analyzed your compatibility,” Lila said, smiling.
“I don’t need a spreadsheet to see what’s between you,” Seraphina said.
“You two are meant to be,” Gillian said. “Just like Alex and me.”
“And Vance and Lila,” Delphine said.
I put up my hands, surrendering. “Fine. I’ll talk to him. Bare my soul. And hope he doesn’t think I’m a fortune hunter.”
For whatever reason, that made my friends laugh. But I couldn’t laugh. Not with this ache in my chest. Not when Grady was somewhere other than here where he belonged.
They were right. I had to find the courage to confess to the man I loved that I didn’t want to live without him.
Later, when we got back to the apartment, I put a sleeping Madison into bed, even though she hadn’t brushed her teeth or washed her face.
All of that could wait until the morning for once.
When I went back out to the living room, Robbie was at the sink, getting himself a glass of water.
He hadn’t said a word on the drive home from Seraphina’s.
“Do you want to talk?” I asked.
“No, thank you, Mother. I’m going to bed now.”
“Okay, sleep well.” I didn’t try and hug him, as he didn’t like it, even though I wanted to in the very worst way. But I’d learned to meet my son where he was at, not where the rest of the world expected him to be. Anyway, to me, he was perfect.
“Thanks. You too.” He headed toward his room.
“Robbie, I’m sorry. About how often I’ve let you down.”
“You haven’t let me down. You’ve done everything for me and Madison, and you’re about to do it again, without thinking about what you want and need.
Moving away from your friends and Grady is a mistake, Mother.
One I really hope you don’t make. Let yourself have something good.
You’ve punished yourself enough. You make everyone’s life better—just by being you. Let someone make your life better.”
With that he went into his room and shut the door behind him.
Punished myself enough. Was that true? Had I been punishing myself for my failed marriage? Perhaps even for choosing Jeff in the first place? Was that why I was pushing Grady away? Was that why I’d denied my feelings for so long?
I didn’t feel good enough for Grady. And it only made it worse now that I knew who he really was, not to mention the kind of wealth that had come to him.
I sat in the living room, watching the lights of the street below make shadows on the walls.
Thinking of leaving my friends and this town that had welcomed me in with such warmth all those years ago when I applied for a job in a flower shop six months pregnant.
I’d felt from that first day that I belonged in Willet Cove.
And then I’d met the other ladies on that fateful morning at the elementary school when Robbie was only five years old.
I’d found my people that morning. They’d come through for me whenever I needed them.
Yet, with every ask, a little piece of my soul withered into dust.
But to go back to Seattle? To my parents’ chilly critique of my life and my children? Leaving behind everyone I loved, other than my children? Was everyone right? Was I making a foolish mistake?
I picked up my phone as a photo of Madison and Grady flickered onto the screen. I’d taken it on one of our beach days. They’d made a large sandcastle, and I’d snapped the photo just as they were putting the finishing touch on their masterpiece, both of them grinning at the camera.
What had I said to him? We’re not your family. But it wasn’t true. He was my family, and I was his. Being apart from him made me lonelier than I’d ever been in my life.
Another photo appeared. This one was of the two of us last Christmas season, snuggled up on the couch with the twinkling lights of the tree behind us.
He had his arm around me, and we had mugs of coffee in our hands, grinning as Madison took our picture.
We looked like a couple. Two people who were comfortable together and made each other laugh—what could be better than that?
I scrolled through more photos on my phone, marveling at how many were of Grady with the kids.
Delphine was right. I needed to fix this.