23. Evvy
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
evvy
It’s been a full twenty-four hours, and I’m still staring at a sealed cardboard box.
Get it together, Evvy. Just open it. Moving it to the coffee table in the living room counts as progress…
I think? I’m sitting here listening to music and washing down my morning candy corn with a swig of cold brew coffee.
I hold the box cutter in my hand while I stare at the box.
If I had x-ray vision I wouldn’t have this dilemma.
Josie knocked on the door this morning with another delivery of treats.
Despite my best effort to convince her otherwise, she insisted on sticking with Zack’s assignment.
She didn’t stay long because she’s working from home today.
At least I have a fresh coffee to keep me energized for my standoff with this box.
Whatever’s inside must be important or Zack’s mom wouldn’t have given it to me with such a cryptic message.
But is it best to let old memories stay buried?
That’s not really an option anymore now that I’m living with Zack, even if it is temporary.
When he gets home, he’s going to want to talk about everything that happened at his mom’s house, which will obviously lead into the discussion we’ve both been avoiding.
Even after everything that happened, I never truly hated him, even when I wanted to.
Playing hockey professionally was his dream, and I would never have forgiven myself if he lost out on that opportunity.
He clearly thought I was going to hold him back, or he wouldn’t have left me behind.
It hurt deeply, but what started as an indescribable pain morphed into a sense of emptiness.
I lost my parents as a teenager. And to have been abandoned again by someone I loved more than myself broke me.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me question my own worth.
But there’s something there between us, like a little spark that never went out.
I care about him deeply. If I’m being honest with myself, I never stopped caring about him, even when I was angry.
Zack knows how to make me laugh and he remembers all the important little details.
Helping me through panic attacks, the cold brew coffee and candy corn, re-creating our special fall day, it’s all so sweet.
But my brain is having trouble figuring out how that’s the same guy who could just toss our relationship away. I need all the clarity I can get.
Just rip the bandage off, Evvy. Open the box.
The coffee splashes inside the cup as I drop it a little too roughly onto the table.
Holding the box cutter steady, I slice through the thin layer of tape that’s standing between me and the mystery items. After the last inch, I place the box cutter down on the table and slowly open the four flaps covering the box.
You’ve got this.
With a deep breath, I reach inside and find envelopes. Hundreds of them are stacked neatly inside the box. Pulling one out, I read the address written on the front.
Evelyn Buckfield
13 Sycamore St.
Salem, MA 00110
The envelope is stamped as undeliverable with Return to sender written across the top.
I feel the blood drain from my face as I collapse back onto the couch, clutching the envelope so tightly that my fingers shake.
I fumble with the envelope before finally managing to tear it open. My eyes fall to Zack’s writing.
Dear Evvy,
I’m so sorry I left before you got back from your trip.
This is my third letter, and I haven’t heard back from you.
I know you’re upset, and I should give you space, but I miss you.
I thought we’d be doing this together. I know you can’t move here right away because of school, but we can make it work. It’s only temporary.
I love you, Evvy. Please forgive me for leaving so quickly.
They called me up and I had to go right away or risk losing my spot on the team.
I hate feeling like I chose hockey over you.
You’re so important to me. None of this means anything without you.
I just need to know you’re alright. I hope you had a great trip with your class. I can’t wait to hear all about it.
Things are okay here with the team. I’m so excited to have finally made it to the NHL. But things will be better when we can celebrate together. I want to give you the world, my Halloween girl. I’ve even been looking up haunted houses for when you come to visit.
Please call me, or if you’re not up for calling yet, then you could write back. Just something so I know we’re okay.
I love you, Evvy. I hope we’ll be together again soon.
Love,
Zack
Tears spill onto the paper creating little inky puddles as I clench the letter in my hand, wrinkling the edges. My other hand grips my stomach as my insides twist into a painful knot. I can no longer hear the record playing over my own heaving.
He wrote to me.
I force my shaking hands to dig through the box of letters.
One by one, I rip them open and read as more tears stain the pages.
Zack poured his heart out every day for more than a year.
Letter after letter, telling me how much he loved and missed me.
He also included little details about his life in Canada.
It’s like he wanted me to feel included even if I wasn’t responding back to him.
And how could I? I never got any of these letters.
I was away on a summer semester class trip when Zack was called up to the NHL.
My geology class was studying in a remote area of Montana for a month.
I didn’t have housing for that summer. I had mostly been staying with Zack anyway and needed to save as much money as possible.
It looks like he sent these to his old address at the hockey house.
The mailman must have refused to deliver them since I wasn’t a resident, and Zack technically no longer lived there either.
Many of the guys returned home for summer too since they didn’t have classes, and hockey didn’t start until September.
That’s the only explanation I can think of.
At the time, Zack’s best friend Jeff said he hadn’t heard from either and that he would probably reach out when he was ready.
He also said I should be understanding of the fact that Zack’s rookie season would be demanding, but it didn’t take long for me to feel like I had been abandoned.
I couldn’t afford a cell phone at that time, so it's not like Zack could have texted me.
After a few weeks of no contact, I took a last-minute spot with a program that offers classes at sea.
I had done a short trip earlier in the year, and this was a unique opportunity to get some hands-on experience for an entire semester.
Eventually, I graduated early and never returned to Salem.
A strangled sob escapes from my throat as I get to the bottom of the box. Many of the letters don’t even have an address or stamp on them. He didn’t know where to send them, but he wrote to me anyway.
I thought he left me behind, but Zack tried to reach me.
My heart shatters as I imagine Zack writing to me, thinking I was ignoring him.
I clutch a letter to my chest as the memories come flooding back.
Thinking about how long I struggled to eat or sleep, and how broken I felt after losing him is gut-wrenching.
And now, knowing he was going through the same thing absolutely breaks my heart.
I need to see him. I blamed him for so long, but it was never his fault. My hands shake as I reach for my cell phone. Josie picks up on the second ring.
Through sobs, I’m able to choke out, “Josie,” before the words die on my tongue.
“I’ll be right over,” is all I hear before I collapse onto the couch, sobbing and trying to make sense of my world.