Seven #2
I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t notice how her narrative had tipped in the last twelve months.
At first, she was all we’ll make it through this and we’ll be okay.
But now, her heart screamed loud and clear—I’d missed the window.
The grace period was over. And I was on my own until I dragged myself up and out of the dark.
Even from across the car, I could feel the restlessness in her spirit.
Swallowing down the tension in my throat, I croaked, “You refuse to acknowledge that our future might look different than you wanted it to. This might be all we ever have.”
She snapped, “It won’t be.”
“Sarah.”
“Peter.” She said my name like a warning.
“I’m serious. What if?”
Emotion suddenly caught up with her anger, her voice wavering. “I—I can’t afford to think like that.”
“You can’t afford not to.”
Silence permeated the car and that said a lot. Sarah would never be happy with just this. She had always been so full of life, adventure pulsing through her veins. Maybe she would stay with me out of duty, but not with joy and passion. Honestly, who could?
My fists clenched in my lap and I started to tremble, holding back the urge to throw a punch through the windshield. I didn’t want that future for my wife. I didn’t want her to lose her vitality in the battle to love me until my dying days. What kind of life was that?
She deserved every good thing.
And, honestly, she was the type of person who wouldn’t rest until she possessed those good things. We had barreled off the side of the cliff, straight into a free fall, just waiting for the impact.
My jaw tightened. “Maybe you should just find someone else.”
“We made a promise, remember? In sickness and in health.” Even though the words should’ve comforted me, they didn’t. Her voice was tight, the anger in her tone barely concealed.
I couldn’t respond.
She continued, her voice pressing down the gathering tears. “I won’t be that wife that leaves her husband after a life altering accident. The idea of it is barbaric.”
I exhaled long, noting that she didn’t deny wanting to be that wife.
Predicting the future wasn’t too hard. Eventually, Sarah would cave. She’d tap into the savings account out of exhaustion. And her dream of holding her own child would drain away, a few dollars at a time. She would resent me until our marriage shattered into a million irreparable pieces.
And it would be my fault.
Mine.
But I didn’t know how to change our fate.
I didn’t know if I wanted to change it either.
All her pushing and prodding and good-intentioned inspiration was driving me crazy.
When I was struggling to draw breath into my lungs, Sarah wanted to talk about the future.
About our kids, IVF, the trips we would take, and how one day I’d feel like myself again.
She still thought I would one day revert back into the guy I used to be.
But I wasn’t him anymore. And I would never be.
And didn’t know how to make her see that.
The harder I tried to explain myself, the deeper she dug into her resolve.
Before the accident, I thought I knew Sarah—every version of her.
But this…I didn’t know this Sarah.
After all the ugly paths we’d walked together, this one had, hands down, brought out the worst in both of us. I wanted to keep lashing out, but the truth was, I was no better off. I was just as lost.
Everyone thought it was so easy to just brush the dust off my pants, pick myself up, and move on.
“You have to make a choice, Peter.” But until someone lived, plunged moment by moment in palpable darkness, how could they act like they knew the way forward?
Even after learning how to use all the tools and technology at my disposal, I was incapacitated—not worth the food I consumed or the millions that had gone into keeping me alive over the years.
My totaled car and I had way too much in common.
My chest grew tight and my breathing erratic. “Can you turn the heat off?”
She did.
The hum of the interstate beneath the tires lulled me into a pensive quiet.
Hadn’t I felt this coming? That night at Meadowbrook, when I told Sarah she should call our doctor, I knew something bad would happen.
Because it always did. I wished I could go back in time and take every single word back.
Getting her hopes up mere weeks before my accident was emotional torture of the worst kind.
I’d never seen her so happy—so excited to have my baby.
I could see her on the canvas of my mind as if it had happened yesterday.
She flopped on top of my body as if it were a mattress beneath her. Then she cradled her chin on the pillow of her arm and looked me in the face. “After I have this baby, my entire list is complete.”
“Your entire list? That’s funny because I don’t recall hiking the Appalachian trail.” I grinned up into her starry blue eyes, my heart turning in my chest as I sunk my fingers into the roots of her hair.
She giggled. “I won’t need anything else. A family with you is all I ever truly wanted.”
I cursed the rising lump in my throat and forced my brain away from the memories of her unfettered happiness. I was almost glad I couldn’t see her face anymore—couldn’t see the way tragedy had hollowed out her eyes and grayed the blue light that flickered there.
My imagination was torture enough.
I whispered, “Can you please tell me where we are going?”
She paused for a moment then spoke slowly. “We’re going to Meadowbrook Ranch.”
“Meadowbrook?”
“Don’t start complaining. I have half a mind to drop you at a truck stop as is.”
I shook my head, confused. “But why are we going to Meadowbrook?”
“Because we need some focused time together, Peter. Our marriage, if you haven’t noticed, is on the rocks.”
“And you really think time at Meadowbrook would help?”
“Sure, don’t you?” I could almost hear the way she lifted a shoulder and shook her head. She did that when she defended an off-beat idea. “I mean, think about the last time we were there.”
“For Jesse and Hollie’s wedding?”
“Yeah, we had such a good time. It was cozy, quiet, safe. And we have family there. We can visit with Wren, too. We haven’t seen her since they came up for Christmas. I bet she’s so big now.”