Thirty-five #3
“She has the roundest cheeks and chunkiest legs. And she looks like Tag, I think. She has his curly brown hair and gray eyes.”
A little braver, my hand moved to touch Wren’s cheek again, this time finding where it drooped and lifting it a little. That made Bea laugh.
Then she said, “You know, it would help me out if you rocked her for a few minutes while I took a shower.”
“Yeah.” I said quickly. “I can do that.”
She stood and squeezed my shoulder, tossing a thank you behind her as she disappeared into the cabin.
When the front door closed, my rocker and Wren’s contented snoring blended into a soft song.
And I relished in how calm and safe it felt to hold her in the quiet.
When I lifted my hand to touch her curls again, it dawned on me that Bea probably knew I felt uncomfortable.
She gave me a little space to fumble through it without an audience.
So I did.
I let my finger trace her cheekbones, scrunched-up lips, and tiny ears. I played with her hair and hands then found her bare feet and toes. But her feet must’ve been ticklish because she squirmed and a soft whine lifted from her lips. “Mama?”
Worry dashed my rising confidence to bits.
“Mama!” Wren called.
“Hey, shhhh.” I tickled the back of her head, shushing her. “Your mama is coming back.”
She lifted her head off my chest and tipped up her chin. Realizing she was probably trying to look at my face, I turned mine down so she could see me.
“Mama?” No fear gripped her voice this time.
“She’s inside. She’ll be right back.” I patted my chest to encourage her to lay back down and Wren tucked in again.
My heart slammed against her little body as a rush of adrenaline made my breaths feel unsteady.
I took another deep breath of Wren’s curls, hoping she would settle back in.
When her body went slack again, I relaxed too.
For one indulgent moment, I let myself imagine what it would be like to rock a little one while Sarah showered. What it might be like to fetch a crying baby in the middle of the night. To buckle one in a carseat. To dress or feed a child I couldn’t even see. To hold one of ours just like this.
I wanted to believe I could give Sarah this one day.
As Wren’s breaths evened out, so did mine. Drained from long days and restless nights, I tipped my head against the back of the rocker and let myself doze for a few minutes.
Later, when Bea carted Wren off to bed, I meandered back toward the bunkhouse but found myself detouring to the barn to sit on my barrel. In the quiet, I contemplated everything Bea had said. About not being able to forgive myself if I didn’t try.
She was right. I knew that.
Letting Sarah go would be my own death sentence.
And maybe that’s why I pulled out my phone and dialed her number. Other than the one time I called after she left, I hadn’t called again. My heart jumped into my throat when it rang.
But it only rang once then went to voicemail.
“Hey, you’ve reached Sarah Thomp—”
I hung up, disoriented by the sudden shift, wondering if she’d ignored my call.
My mouth dried as embarrassment scorched up my neck. And I realized how hungry I was for her. For her presence, her voice.
Her voice.
Immediately, I dialed again. If she ignored my call, I’d just listen to her voicemail greeting.
Again, it rang once then routed to voicemail.
“Hey, you’ve reached Sarah Thompson with Align Massage.”
The stupidest grin pulled into my cheeks as her peppy spirit filtered over the miles.
“If you’re calling about an appointment, please leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Have a wonderful day!”
Then it beeped.
And I didn’t hang up.
A few long beats of silence passed before I decided to leave a message.
“Hey, Sarah. I…” My voice zipped tight. “I wasn’t planning on leaving a message, but uh, then I heard your voice and realized how much I miss talking to you.
Not fighting with you though. Actually talking.
What we used to do before…before I completely shut down.
There’s a laundry list of stuff I need to confess and talk to you about, and even though I don’t know how to say most of it, I hope I’ll have the chance eventually.
When you’re ready. If you’re ever ready, that is.
” My nose started to tingle, and I tried to blink the feeling away.
“I feel pretty audacious claiming love at this point, but…” My voice broke with emotions I couldn’t hide.
“This damn ranch has turned me into a crybaby.” I took a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm myself.
“But I do love you, Sarah—I’ve never stopped.
” I tried to brighten my tone. “I keep getting notifications from the list. You rode a mechanical bull. That’s pretty cool.
And I’m glad that you’re getting out and having a nice time.
I’m worried about you constantly.” My pause was long as I searched my brain for what else to say.
“Uh, anyway, I guess that’s it. Call me if you want to. And I hope you sleep well tonight.”