Sixty-one
Cooper
Ihefted my backpack up on my shoulders, picking up my pace.
The first light of dawn trickled over the sky, turning the eastern horizon a dark purple.
I didn’t bother looking at it though—just kept my head down, watching the gravel shift beneath my feet.
The fire department left an hour ago. And while everyone was drinking coffee on the front porch, staring at the twig-like remains of the barn, I stole away to the bunkhouse to pack up my stuff.
I wished I had a truck or something.
A getaway car would make this a hell of a lot faster.
I considered borrowing one, but my days of taking without permission were behind me. I’d stolen enough from Tag as it was. A deep breath pulled into my chest, and I wondered how long my lungs would keep working. Even though paramedics showed up, I refused to let them look at me.
Pulled thin by all the stress, Hollie had yelled at me to sit down and let them check.
She cried when I walked away.
Whatever—I didn’t care.
Some people deserved to keep breathing, but I wasn’t sure I was one of them. If my lungs wanted to malfunction in the next forty-eight hours, I voted to just let it happen.
“You ruin everything.” Voices echoed in my memory.
By the time I got three-quarters down the driveway, an engine growled and headlights flashed.
Tag.
I swore, kicking rocks in frustration.
Adrenaline charged through my veins as I looked for a tree or a bush to hide behind. But, considering the driveway had pastures on both sides, I was out in the open—screwed.
Flopping down flat in a ditch wouldn’t prevent him from seeing me, either.
My best chance was to play this off.
As expected, Tag’s truck rolled to a halt, his headlights blinding me. He flicked them off and jumped out of the driver’s seat. “Coop? What are you doin’ out here?”
“I…I gotta go into town.”
“Why aren’t you drivin’ a truck?”
“I needed a walk.”
He hesitated, hands coming to his hips. “Everything alright?”
“Fine.” I tried to push past him.
“Whoa—whoa. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing—”
“I hear it in your voice. Something happened.” He put a hand on my shoulder.
“Don’t touch me!” I jerked my shoulder away. My voice was sharper than I meant for it to be, but I was two beats short of dissociating again and I needed him to lay off.
His hands lifted to the sides of his face, surrendering. “Hey, Coop. It’s alright.”
“Toughen up. You’re such an embarrassment.”
“It’s not alright,” I spat. “It’s not.”
“Is this about the fire? Wait—” After a beat, his voice came quiet, sad. “You’re leavin’ again, aren’t you?”
A few moments of silence fell before I answered, “I can’t be here.”
“Why?”
“Because all I do is fuck everything up.” I yelled because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t hear myself over Greg, over Sloan, over Mom.
“Get out of the car.”
Words ripped out of my throat. “I ruin everything I touch and no matter how hard I try, I’m destined to be a worthless piece of shit and a problem for everyone to just put up with. I’m so sick of feeling that way that I wish I would just never wake up. I need to be by myself.”
“He was right, you know. I should’ve taken care of you the moment I saw two lines. Then I wouldn’t be tied to that bastard.”
Pain ripped through my chest, tears choking my throat.
“Cooper, listen to me.” Tag’s tone was stern, steady. Conflict raged. I wanted to run, but I was dying to hear what he had to say.
“You are not a problem. No one thinks that.”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “You’ll change your tune by sunrise. You’ll drive me out the moment you realize.”
Tag frowned in confusion. “Realize? What are you talking—”
“I started the fire, Tag.” I blurted, my voice trembling with emotion. “I did it.”
“I said get out of the car.”
Tag blinked at me, disbelieving.
“I dissociated in the hayloft while I was reading, and I had a smoke—just half a cigarette to help me calm down.” Sudden tears streaked my face. “I thought I put it out well enough before I threw it off the loft. But I guess I didn’t.”
Tag stood there, not saying anything, not moving.
“I’ve got about five thousand dollars saved up.” I sniffed, hating how unglued I felt. “I know that won’t do shit, but it’s all I have.”
“I don’t want your money.”
“Well, I’m sure you want your barn.” I huffed, angry.
“And Grandpa’s vintage saddles. And the decades worth of work stored up in that building.
But I took it from you. Just like I take from everyone else.
” A pulling sensation in my chest made my sternum hurt—maybe I was going to die.
“I’d rather just see myself out than face whatever is coming my way when everyone realizes the big idiot with daddy issues is the reason our first pro season just got a hell of a lot harder. ”
I tried to walk past him again, but Tag’s hand wrapped around my shoulder, yanking me back. And suddenly Greg’s hands reached out of my memory, fingers dragging over my flesh, sending pain down to my hand. A phantom circle of fire touched the inside of my forearm.
The fear and stress melted, a blessed numbness overtaking my nervous system as I floated away. Flying, finally. Up to the stars, up with the birds—exactly the way I used to when I’d pretend to climb that magnolia tree out my bedroom window.
Seeing myself with an aerial view, I watched Tag come closer, tipping his head to see my face better.
I watched me slowly sit on the ground. Watched Tag drop to his knees beside me.
Watched Jesse jump out of the other truck and join us.
I watched Tag take my face in his hands and heard him say, “Cooper, I need you to listen to me. You’re slippin’ away. Where are you feelin’ it?”
Despite my annoyance that Tag was trying to ground me, I touched the place where fear pulsed and twitched—my chest and my forearm.
I knew what to do next—focus somewhere else. Somewhere that felt safe.
My hands were relaxed. So I concentrated on the way they rested on the gravel as Tag coached, encouraging me to take stock of my body and mind.
Breathe, focus, breathe, focus.
Slowly, my perspective shifted back, my flight landing prematurely. Tag’s grey eyes stared straight into mine. “List five things you can see right now.”
I heard a voice but it sounded like it was coming from someone else’s mouth. “You.”
“Good. What else?”
“Jesse.”
“Alright, keep goin’.”
“Purple sky…the pasture…the fence.”
Tag prompted me through the technique—touch, hear, smell, taste—and slowly I got my bearings, feeling more present and less afraid.
I didn’t know how long it all took, but I suddenly noticed that cold water dripped through my upturned fingers.
Jesse had a Pilot gas station cup, patiently feeding ice cubes into the palm of my hand.
I took a long, shuddering breath.
Tag whispered, “You there, Coop?”
I slowly nodded. “Yeah…I’m here.”
Tag sighed with relief, sitting back on his heels.
Jesse stayed quiet.
When Tag spoke again, his voice shook, his own demons probably showing up for the fight. “I need to make sure you’re hearin’ this.”
“I’m hearing.”
“The only thing in the barn that was irreplaceable was my brother.”
I blinked. For some reason, I expected him to say Tillie or the horses or something.
“I could live with losin’ the rest of it, but I couldn’t live with losin’ you. Any voice in your head tellin’ you you’re better off dead is a lie, Coop.”
“There’s so many,” I whispered.
“Voices?”
I nodded.
“Shit—I know.” The words pained him. “I know there is. Sometimes it feels like a whole damn choir of people, doesn’t it?”
I nodded again.
“It took me a long time to understand that my worth has nothin’ to do with how much people value me. All life is a miracle and protectin’ it is a way we can confront the darkness in this world. I don’t care how many times you screw up—you have a place here with me.”
I shook my head. “I don’t deserve that.”
“Yeah, well, neither do I. But lovin’ folks isn’t about givin’ them what they deserve most of the time.” He took a deep breath, changing direction. “Hop in the truck. I’m gonna park the rig and unload the horses, then you and me are gettin’ in the Chevy and to goin’ to the ER, okay?”
“What about the barn?”
“What about it?”
“I’m not getting fired?”
“I think we’ve had enough fire for one night.” He stood and offered me his hand. “Come on. My to-do list quadrupled, and I need your help.”
A weary smile pulled into my cheeks as I let him pull me off the ground.