Chapter Twenty #2
Bracing on his forearms so he didn’t crush Bella, he waited for his body to level out and sanity to return.
She stared up at him, her eyes soft with an emotion that made his heart stutter before it raced even faster than it had been.
For one reckless moment, he let himself believe she could be his.
Not could be.
Already was.
His throat closed up.
He shifted to the side and brought her with him, keeping her tight in the circle of his arms, and brushed his lips over hers in a gentle caress.
“The night—” His voice gave out. He tried again. “The night of Jaynie’s funeral.”
Bella stiffened.
He didn’t move, needing their flesh-to-flesh contact to ground him. To keep her from withdrawing.
“I loved my sister but I hated how her illness took over every aspect of my family’s life.” He swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I was the perfect son. The model student. Everyone’s fun friend because, at home, I was the child who didn’t need my parents the way Jaynie did.”
Bella’s indrawn breath echoed in his chest. He caught the faint tremor of her lips.
A million memories weighed down the smile he gave her.
“No one worried about me—I could take care of myself. But all the fucking hospital visits. The sterile waiting rooms. My parents’ tears, and their obsession with finding a treatment that would keep Jaynie alive for just a little bit longer.
Sometimes I hated my sister for having leukemia. Then I hated her for dying.”
His vision blurred.
Shit.
Shit.
He blinked rapidly.
For years, he’d hidden those thoughts from everyone.
But Bella had always seen beneath the act better than anyone except Jaynie.
“Danny.” Soft hands caressed his cheeks.
His gaze stayed on the wall over her shoulder, because if he looked at her now, he’d break.
“When you and Jaynie became friends, it meant I could do my own thing without feeling like I’d let my sister or my parents down.
Funny thing is, the more I watched you with her—saw how fiercely you protected her—the more ashamed I felt.
And the more determined I became to protect you, because you were the best friend Jaynie ever had. ”
He paused. Gathered up his courage. “And I felt like when you looked at me, you could see everything I was trying to hide. It scared me. And it drew me to you anyway.”
“I knew you were protecting me.” Bella’s whisper drew his eyes back to hers.
A corner of her mouth lifted. “I overheard one of the boys on the football team tell another boy not to mess with me because I was Danny Mayhew’s girl on the down low.” She gave a short laugh. “You don’t know how badly I wanted that to be true.”
He gave her a squeeze and dropped a kiss on her hair. “I’d already started BUD/S when Mom called to tell me that Jaynie was dying and I needed to request emergency leave.”
His jaw tightened as a familiar pain stabbed behind his eyes. “I didn’t want to come home. Didn’t want to risk getting rolled to the next training class if I was gone too long. And then it was too late. I never got to say goodbye.” He swallowed hard. “Did she die thinking I didn’t care?”
Bella came up on her elbow to face him. “Oh, Danny. She knew you loved her. And she was so proud of you. She wanted you to be happy.” Her smile grew sad. “You know what I remember most about Jaynie?”
Danny shook his head.
“She wasn’t afraid.”
“Of dying?” he asked.
“Of living.”
He inhaled sharply. God, that sounded like Jaynie.
If there were an afterlife—if Jaynie could see him—he hoped she knew how much he loved her and how sorry he was that he hadn’t been there for her at the end.
And how much he regretted using Bella to hide from emotions he couldn’t face.
“When you came to my room that night, after we’d buried Jaynie, I was drowning.
You were my life preserver, and I grabbed on without thinking about the cost.” He forced himself to meet her eyes.
“I was selfish, Bella. I wanted to feel something other than grief. And the next morning, all I could think about was that I’d taken something from you that wasn’t mine to take—at least not under those circumstances.
That’s why I told you it was a mistake. I convinced myself the kindest thing I could do was leave you alone. ”
He paused. “But I never forgot you.”
For a moment, Bella was silent. Then, “You hurt me.”
Her words sliced into him with the force of a machete. “I know. I’m—”
She put her finger to his lips, halting his apology.
“As much as I wanted you. As heartbroken as I was when you left, a part of me understood that it wasn’t me you were running from.
” Her chin lifted, those beautiful golden eyes daring him to look away.
“But we’re not teenagers anymore, and what we do now has nothing to do with who we were back then. ”
Damn. His chest swelled. He wasn’t sure he deserved her forgiveness. Or even her trust. But he would take it and protect it like the precious gift that it was.
He ran his hand down her back, over the curve of her ass. She shivered, and his cock stirred again.
“Bella.” Her name was a prayer on his lips. He traced the line of her jaw, then the curve of her mouth. “I know the timing sucks, and I’m not sure I know how to stay in one place for long. But I want to try. For you.”
The emotion he felt for her was unfamiliar, and scarier than being in a firefight surrounded by Taliban and running out of ammo.
“Really?” Her smile was like tendrils of the sun peeking out from behind a mountain at dawn. Tentative, but filled with promise.
“Really.”
She burrowed into his chest, and after a few minutes, the slow rise and fall of her chest told him she’d fallen asleep.
He stared at the ceiling, adrenaline ticking up his pulse as Bella lay in his arms.
He’d never been afraid because he’d never had much to lose.
Now? Bella wasn’t just a job.
She was everything.