Chapter Thirty-One
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
After the craft fair, Sam took them back to Stark for a campfire supper on the tiny beach below the main cottages. They all gathered driftwood for the fire and cooked fish tacos that even Tania ate.
Lily and étienne lounged on rugs, beer bottles cooling in the sand beside them.
Sam had taken the twins beachcombing, giving étienne and Lily a chance to talk. She had a feeling that étienne might have asked him if they could have some time alone.
‘The girls love it here,’ she said.
‘Who wouldn’t?’ étienne replied, looking at the flames. Their light and that of the sinking sun lit up his face, and Lily glimpsed the melancholy behind the smile.
She wondered if he was thinking of her sister, and the bittersweet memories that came along with that remembrance. When he and Cara met, she had been working as a nurse at a clinic on one of the more remote islands where étienne was running a small hospital. She’d said she wanted to experience life outside the bubble of her own little world.
She wanted to see other perspectives, experience other cultures, but after a few years, she’d returned to England with étienne and they’d both worked at the same London hospital before she’d had the twins.
How cruelly her life was cut short, but at least she’d lived it. Done what she’d set out to do, found love, had a family.
‘I hated it here at first. It was smothered in fog, chucking it down, and it felt like I’d been banished to Stark like one of the pestilent sailors,’ Lily said.
He laughed. ‘And now?’
‘I love it, even when it rains. It isn’t only the gorgeous beaches and the sea. There’s something unique about the landscape, the peace. The people.’
étienne threw another stick on the fire. ‘People or person?’
Wrong-footed, Lily decided to pretend she hadn’t heard. ‘There’s an honesty about them. All of them, even Morven. They are their own authentic selves.’
‘I’m pleased you think that, but they probably have their secrets. Everyone has secrets, a part of them they want to keep hidden …’ He broke off, a melancholy expression on his face that sent a chill up Lily’s spine.
‘Cara was perfect. Someone to live up to – not that I ever could,’ Lily said, disturbed by étienne’s cryptic statement. ‘And I can’t imagine what she’d have to hide …’
That sad, wistful smile crept onto his lips again. ‘If you’re living your life by the standards of someone you think was perfect then please, dear Lily, don’t. I worshipped your sister, but she wasn’t a paragon.’
Lily grew cold at the expression in his eyes. It was so full of regret. ‘What do you mean?’ she said, though part of her didn’t want to know.
‘Before the car crash, Cara and I had been going through a difficult time. Our jobs – my job especially – consumed us. Being parents to twins, I suppose we both felt under a lot of pressure and Cara … well, she looked elsewhere.’
‘ Elsewhere?’ Lily felt sick.
étienne patted her hand. ‘I am sorry to tell you this, but I think you should know. Now that you’ve made space in your life for something other than work, now you’re stronger. Cara had a brief fling with a man from work. Another consultant. In fact, I knew him slightly.’
‘No,’ Lily burst out. ‘I don’t believe it.’
‘I’m afraid it’s true,’ he said, gently but with deep sadness that brought a chill to Lily.
Tears stung her eyes. It was impossible to take in.
‘And I have fully forgiven her. But at the time, we were considering a trial separation …’ He sighed. ‘Then before we could, we were separated forever and my heart was ripped to pieces.’
‘Oh, étienne! You never said anything about this.’
‘Why would I? What would it do other than hurt your parents, the girls, everyone who loved her? But with you, right now, I think that it’s more important to be honest. You must realise that no one is without flaw. Not Cara and not me either, because I didn’t give her the time and attention she clearly craved. I know it must come as a shock but if your sister were still here, you would have found out.’
Lily hugged her knees, still numb with shock.
étienne rested his hand on her back briefly.
‘I had no idea,’ she said, choked with emotion.
‘No, and maybe we would have got back together. It might have been the wake-up call I needed – and she might have found that we were worth saving after all. I just don’t know and now I never will.’
Lily’s tears were hot on her cheeks. ‘I’m sorry. For you and for Cara.’
He held her hand. ‘You’re not angry with me for telling you?’
‘How could I be? I’m shocked because I’d no idea. I’d built up her memory into something so flawless. I didn’t know …’
‘She will always be my dear Cara to me. I still love her as much as ever, but you mustn’t kill yourself trying to live up to her. I have deliberated about telling you this but I know she would’ve wanted me to, so that you can look at your life through a new lens and treasure the things that really matter. Treasure them right now. Promise me that?’
She nodded, dabbing at her eyes with one of the starfish serviettes left on the picnic blanket.
‘At least you’re missing what you had, even if it wasn’t faultless,’ she said. ‘I miss what I’ve never had.’
It was the first admission she’d ever made to him – to anyone – that she might need a partner in life, someone to love and love her back.
‘Lily, you must let someone in. I – you have no idea … Just don’t ignore the gift in front of you. You mustn’t let it – him – go.’
‘Sam again,’ she said, with a dismissive laugh. ‘That can’t come to anything.’
‘It can if you let it. If you have the will. You must make it happen.’
‘What if he doesn’t want it? He’s made that clear enough. How could our two worlds ever meet?’
‘Cara and I made it happen and we lived on opposite sides of the world. You two live in the same country!’
Lily found that almost impossible to answer but eventually did. ‘It isn’t only geography.’
‘Bullsheet,’ he said, his French accent surfacing in the heat of the moment and making Lily giggle.
‘What’s so funny?’
‘Nothing. Now, shhh. Sam’s coming back with the twins.’
Down the hill they came, Sam with a broad grin on his face. He was flanked by Amelie and Tania who were swinging baskets, presumably full of precious things.
étienne rose to his feet, hissing under his breath, ‘I will be very cross with you if you do not take this chance.’
‘Lily! We got beach treasure. Shells and a mermaid’s purse,’ Amelie shrieked.
‘A dogfish egg case,’ Sam said. ‘From Tean Porth.’
‘I found a cowrie.’ Tania presented the tiny shell for inspection.
Lily picked it from her palm. ‘It’s beautiful,’ she said, holding it like a diamond. It should be Cara sharing this moment, Cara looking at beach treasure, and yet it was Lily. She had been given a very precious treasure: the love and care of her nieces.
They held out the baskets with their shells and pebbles. ‘Oh, let me see,’ Lily said, smothering the emotion.
‘Can we make pictures with it, like at the fair? Morven said we could do it.’
‘We’ll do that tomorrow,’ Lily said. ‘But now it’s time for bed. Shall I read you a story?’
‘Yes!’ said Tania.
‘Please,’ Amelie added shyly.
‘I’ll take them,’ étienne said firmly but Lily was already on her feet.
‘I’ll sit with the girls. It’s my last chance for some quality time. My last chance for a little while,’ she qualified. ‘Because from now on, things are going to be different.’
She didn’t look at étienne or Sam, not wanting to see a trace of doubt in their eyes. Because, she was pretty sure, neither of them believed her.
The girls were tired after the long day and fell asleep before she’d even read a chapter of their book. Lily went onto the terrace of their cottage, made a hot chocolate and wrapped a blanket around herself.
Below her, she could see the glow of the fire and two figures sitting side by side: Sam and étienne. Two beautiful, strong men. One, a dearly loved brother; the other – the only man she’d ever wanted to matter to.
She’d already vowed to let go of so much in her life. How could it ever happen unless she handed over her heart too?