Chapter 7
Sunday arrived with Benji complaining at having to work that afternoon for the Blackwells. It was only six hours under Gage’s supervision, but it would give Analise a much-needed break from the constant diatribe of how Benji considered life unfair.
But Cole made a valid point. A lot of good points, actually, but one in particular stood out. A busy teenager was a teenager who stayed out of trouble.
She hoped. “Let’s go. It’s a pretty day, so traffic will be heavy.”
Every day at the beach was a good day, but when the early November temps were in the high seventies and the sun blazed in the sky, all the locals and the tourists tried to find some sand.
Ben had barely turned four when she’d lucked into her small house just over the bridge in southern Wilmington. It wasn’t in the best of neighborhoods when they’d first moved in, but after COVID when everyone working remotely wanted to move to the beach, a lot of the area’s property changed hands. Her less-desirable neighborhood was now as popular as the next.
Ben continued to grumble, but they made their way to her small SUV and then played the waiting game to exit the road, cross two lanes of speeding traffic and make a U-turn to head toward the island and the man who consumed her thoughts.
She’d barely slept because Cole’s warnings repeated themselves in her head. She’d be lying to herself if she said she didn’t sometimes fear Benjamin’s explosive anger. Especially after he’d thrown his phone at her with such force. Would he ever lose control of himself to the point he’d purposefully hurt her?
The thought shook her to her core. Last night, Benji had gone straight to his room to watch television before bed, and she’d found herself angry and anxious, denying the need to do any of the things Cole had suggested to safely secure herself against the worst.
She told herself there was no need. Not from her child. But…
As she drove down Dow and rounded the curve that led to the pier stretching over the Atlantic, her attention snagged on a long, stretch limo parked outside of Ace’s garage. She’d gone to school with the Cohen sisters, and when Frankie had returned from the military, she’d purchased the garage to put her mechanical training and skills to work. Everyone knew she did quality, honest work. If Frankie said the repairs were fifteen thousand, they were. Frankie wasn’t the type to rip anyone off.
In the bright light of day, Ana saw the streak of yellow paint on the front, passenger-side fender as well as the dent covering most of the area.
She took her foot off the gas and slowed to eye the vehicle further until a horn honked behind her. She glanced in the rearview mirror at the driver gesturing with his hands and then picked up speed once more before sneaking a look at a stoic Benjamin.
Analise made the turn that took them to the rental building and parked in the tiny space connecting the two.
“You don’t need to get out,” Benji said.
She hesitated but then shook her head. “When you act like a child, you get treated like a child. That means walking you in like a kindergartener to make sure you don’t try to ditch your responsibilities.”
Ana held her son’s livid gaze with a determined one of her own. She’d said what she said, and she meant it. She had to be the mother he needed even though he might hate her for it in the end.
Inside the small building, she noted the brothers’ great use of space. Rental prices were posted on the front of the small counter in plain view while smaller items were stacked, hung, or staged high on the walls or even the ceiling, while larger items lined the walls beneath and formed two small aisles to the left of the door.
“You’re on time,” Gage said, coming into the building from a side door. “That’s good.”
“I’ll leave you to it,” Ana said. “When should I pick him up?”
“We’re on winter hours, so we close at five. Should be finished up a little after.”
“I have his phone so if something changes, you’ll need to contact me directly.”
“Not a problem,” Gage said.
Ana nodded and turned to leave but stumbled to a stop when she realized Cole had silently entered the building behind her.
She wasn’t sure what to say to him after their last encounter, so she ducked her head and tried to sidle by him only to have him gently slip his hand beneath her arm. She sucked in a breath, painfully aware of his knuckles resting along her ribcage just under her breast.
“Gage, Ana and I are going for a walk. That’s her gray Rav outside, so don’t have it cited for parking.”
“Got it.”
“No, I-I should get to the boutique,” she said.
Cole’s grip tightened just enough to make her look up at him and meet his gaze.
“Come walk the beach with me. Please.”
She didn’t have a reason to say no. The boutique didn’t open for several hours and while there were plenty of things she could be doing, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d strolled along the sand. Which was extraordinarily sad considering she was a local.
And Cole’s husky “Please”?
She felt Benji’s gaze burning into her back as she nodded.
Cole’s hold loosened and allowed her to slip by his very broad frame and out the door.
The sun felt good. The warm rays kissed her cheeks and required her to pull her sunglasses from atop her head to cover her eyes, but she welcomed the barrier it gave her when she felt Cole assessing her.
“This way,” he said in his deep, rumbly voice.
She walked beside him, aware of every brush of their arms against each another. Aware of him, period. It had to be her imagination, but she could still feel her skin tingling where his knuckles had been.
“I owe you an apology,” he said.
She glanced up at him and missed an uneven spot in the sidewalk that left her tripping.
Cole quickly grasped her arm to steady her, but after she righted herself and kept moving, he didn’t let go.
“Guess I surprised you, huh?”
His amused tone sent a huff of laughter through her lips. “A…little.”
His chuckle warmed her insides, and hot, heady memories flashed through her head before she shoved them back into safe, tight little mental boxes.
Had she always had a thing for rumbly, gravelly voices? Or just…his? A grown-up, sexy voice that paired extremely well with his grown-up, sexy body.
“Ana, I’ve been thinking. I wanted you to know that…I was wrong and don’t blame you. What you said last night at the hotel…about always waiting for me to return and giving up those years of your life. It hit home. I like to think I have a reasonably well-rounded view of the world. Losing my parents made all of us grow up fast. But until last night, I didn’t realize just how narrow-minded I’d been.”
His words washed over her, through her, soothing the rough edges of nerves shredded by pain.
“All I thought about back then was us and our future and the plans we’d made—that I’d made. You hadn’t even graduated high school at that point, and yet I expected you to give up your family and friends and college to follow me somewhere only to leave you there while I deployed. I’m sorry I didn’t see that at the time, but I do now.”
Walking while they talked helped. She didn’t have to look at him and could instead focus on the ground and their surroundings, his words, rather than the regret and empathy she now heard in his voice.
They left the sidewalk and crossed the street toward the pier. The pier house was open and busy, but Cole urged her to continue down the planked boardwalk by the swings and benches facing the Atlantic. “We were young and caught up in the excitement. We both made mistakes,” she said softly.
Cole lifted his hand, and they fell silent as they topped the first bridge over the dunes. Halfway across, they had to walk single file to accommodate others leaving the sand.
At the bottom, Ana slipped off the kitten-heeled flip flops she wore and grabbed them up to carry. They began walking again, moving closer to the water and heading south back toward the pier.
The sand felt oddly cold from the breeze and chilled from the night before yet warmed by the sun. Ana curled her toes and grounded herself, sucking in a deep breath, feeling the stress leave her body with every heartbeat while the waves crashed and tumbled to the shore.
Why didn’t she make more time for this? Things—life—kept her moving and exhausted, but why live here if she didn’t take advantage of the beauty? What was the point of always hustling so hard only to wake up one morning and realize life had passed her by?
“Was Ben’s father one of those mistakes you mentioned?”
The question shouldn’t have surprised her. Didn’t, really, she supposed. But it wasn’t a topic she relished discussing with Cole, yet she knew there was no escaping it. Or him.
She nodded without looking at Cole, choosing instead to focus on the beautiful view spread out in front of her. The sunlight twinkled across the water like Christmas lights, flickering here and there as the surface rolled.
“Where is he now? Why wasn’t he in the office yesterday with you and Ben?”
Cole stopped walking, and she took another step or two before doing the same. A wry smile formed on her lips, and she was grateful for the sunglasses that hid her eyes from him when Cole stared down at her, waiting for her response. “Because he didn’t want to be a father.”
“So he’s never been around?”
She shook her head, the pinned smile in place by sheer will. The subject of Benjamin’s conception would always be a sore spot for her. A painful, awful memory of a painful, awful mistake. Embarrassment and humiliation filled her as it always did when she thought of how she’d behaved that night. How the weeks and months played out afterward.
Benjamin—she loved her son with all her heart and wouldn’t change having him, the years of loving him and being his mom—but sometimes her mind twisted into painful knots wishing she could undo the mistake that had given her her baby boy. As though one could exist without the other.
She was amazed by how five minutes of time changed lives, whether it was speeding too fast on the highway or—going too far with a boy because she hurt so badly, felt so broken, that she’d sought the wrong kind of comfort to take away the pain.
“Ana…”
She walked on, her shaky steps fueled by the memories and pain and the twisted-up mix of regrets and love she felt for Benji. The hate and self-loathing she felt for herself because her behavior was so out of character. So unlike her. She’d never behaved like that before that fateful night—or since.
What a convoluted life. But she’d made it that way, and she wouldn’t—couldn’t—allow herself to forget that.
All the pain and suffering?
Call it karma, God’s correction, the universe. Whatever she called it, she deserved it for the pain she’d inflicted not only on Cole but also her parents and Ben and even Quinley.
She had torn apart all their worlds, changed them and altered them in inconceivable ways.
She felt a prickle along her neck and back, indicating Cole’s silent presence as he followed her. And even though he asked for answers to questions that pained her to speak of, she knew she owed him the truth and whatever humiliation there was left to endure in the telling.
They’d walked to the underside of the pier, into the much cooler shadows beneath. The giant pilings soared above her head to support the pier, but underneath they looked like bits of an old puzzle, some broken from being ripped apart by hurricanes, others worn and discolored by the passing of time. Some new and not yet tarnished by the painful presence of existing in such a harsh yet beautiful environment.
The varying states of the pilings and planks reminded her of herself, the memories and decisions and all the things that made her who she was today. Broken, torn, bruised and mended. But holding strong despite the surf and weather and wind. At least for now.
“Ana, stop.”
She did but only because her legs trembled, and she didn’t know if she could go on when her brain felt ready to implode.
“Is Ben’s dad the same guy from…that grad party you went to?”
Once again, her mind flashed back at his words. To that night and her stupid, reckless, immature behavior. It was all there in a sob-worthy instant. “He is.”
“Did you…date? Marry him?”
A caustic laugh bubbled out of her chest as she shook her head. “No.”
“Tell me he at least gives you child support.”
She pressed a hand to a worn, salt-aged piling, leaning on it for support while she berated herself internally. No one—absolutely no one—could hate her or blame her more than she hated and blamed herself. “I didn’t ask for support.”
“Why not? It’s the least he could do for you. For his son.”
She shut her eyes and tried to push the painful bits away. “Cole, this— Benjamin, all of it… It’s my fault. Okay? No one else is to blame. No one else is responsible for my actions or his upbringing. Just me.” It was a bitterly painful truth her parents had hammered home, but it was one she couldn’t deny then or now.
She glanced up in time to see Cole narrow his gaze on her.
“It takes two to make a baby. He’s a deadbeat dad.”
“He is,” she agreed with a ready nod. “So why would I want him in Benjamin’s life?”
“What about your father? Does he help you? Spend time with Ben?”
The questions stung, but the reality of them hurt worse. Her family had not only made it clear she was responsible for her actions that night but that she was responsible for the decision to keep the unplanned pregnancy when there were multiple other options for her to consider. “My father’s a busy man.”
“So no. What about your mother? Ana, what aren’t you saying here?”
Analise lifted her chin and tried to steady the emotions rolling through her like stormy waves. She wanted to argue that her son didn’t need anyone but her because there were so many single moms out there going it alone, raising wonderful, even-keeled kids, but she couldn’t—not after Benjamin’s anger had led to Cole’s reappearance in her life. “I’m saying it’s none of your business,” she said, desperate to turn the tide.
“But it is when he wrecked my business. Now tell me why you’re being so evasive. What happened after you told your parents you were pregnant?”
Something on her face must have given her away because Cole stepped closer, his expression darkening, changing, to one of concern.
“Ana…?”
It hurt. Dear God, it hurt to remember their responses. Their words and expressions of horror and disgust, embarrassment and humiliation. The way they’d refused to let her come home from college to visit once her pregnancy showed because they didn’t want their friends to know. “They didn’t take the news well.”
He stepped closer, and every cell in her body ached to reach out and curl against him the way she had during their time together. To put her head on his chest and breathe him in and feel the comfort of his strong arms wrapped around her. To feel safe.
“What happened? Ana, talk to me.”
She didn’t want to, yet…maybe purging those memories would bring her another step closer to forgetting the pain. “Just…life happened. I’d broken things off with you. And it wasn’t easy for me, Cole. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I just wasn’t ready.”
“I know,” he said softly.
“I was…reeling. Wondering if I’d made a huge mistake. Drowning in the fact my parents were so freaking happy even though I-I felt like I’d been ripped to shreds.”
She turned and leaned her full body weight against the piling. Around them, people talked and laughed and enjoyed the beautiful day. Children screeched as they ran toward the water and away again in a game of surf tag.
Overhead, plank boards squeaked as people walked out to the T, and fishing carts rumbled along behind their owners as the fishermen either arrived or left for home. It was just a normal day. Except it wasn’t.
She inhaled, the breath shuddering through her lungs like a toddler who’d cried too hard. “I didn’t go to the party to find someone. I just— I was upset and so, so angry at my parents and life and— I started drinking. Drank way too much. And then I made a stupid, stupid mistake.”
“The guy took advantage of you.”
Fury rolled from Cole, and she forced herself to shake her head. A part of her wanted to lie and play the victim, because she had been drinking, and there were those that wouldn’t have done what Tim did.
But she couldn’t place all the blame on Tim. As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t. He didn’t force her to drink. Didn’t force her to have sex. She’d done those things. She was also to blame. “No, he didn’t.”
“He did. Ana, there’s a freaking song about taking a drunk girl home and not taking advantage of her. He should’ve looked out for you, not??—”
“It’s my fault! I’m to blame here. Me. I…wanted comfort,” she said, feeling a rush of heat surging into her face at her embarrassment. “I wanted to dull the pain and make it go away. I loved you, but I couldn’t— And I’d just—” She broke off, unable to finish either sentence. “I can’t blame Benjamin’s father, and neither can you.”
She watched as Cole’s jaw clenched and his nostrils flared as he inhaled and processed her words. The fact she’d been a willing participant in an otherwise disastrous decision. That she’d asked a boy for physical comfort, and he’d supplied it. Every second of her bad decision fell on her shoulders, and she had to accept that.
“What did your parents say? When you ended things with me?” Cole asked softly, his words nearly carried away by the wind.
She wrapped her arms around her front and squeezed. “They thought we were too young and too serious. That things had moved too fast. It…let up a bit when you joined the Marines but then they saw me wearing the ring you’d given me and found out I hadn’t applied to Duke because we were going to marry… They were beyond furious.”
“And I left you to battle them all on your own.”
“You wanted to tell them at Christmas, and I wouldn’t let you,” she countered, lifting her face to make sure he could see the truth.
“Why didn’t you say anything when I came home for Christmas? Were your parents really out of town when I asked to talk to them?”
Analise shivered, and in response, Cole moved closer, his back to the wind to block her from it. It was such a sweet gesture and so typical of the boy she’d known that she had to blink away a hot prickle of tears. “Not exactly. They’d gone to my grandma’s house in Landfall and weren’t at their house so…”
“You said they were out of town. I knew you were lying.”
“I’m sorry. Try to understand, Cole. You had three days leave and were so happy to be home. And I was so happy to see you. I didn’t want anything to ruin your visit. To ruin Christmas.”
“But I could’ve talked to your parents. We could’ve talked about how you could go to college and— Ana, we could’ve worked something out. If…if you’d wanted to, I mean.”
Memories of that last Christmas together filled her head, and she smiled sadly. “It wouldn’t have changed the fact that by the time graduation rolled around, I still wasn’t ready. You’re looking for someone to blame, but I’m standing right here. And like it or not, it doesn’t matter now.”
“It does to me. When I couldn’t get leave for your graduation, I proved to you that the military would always come first.”
She lowered her gaze to the water rolling in near them. “That’s when I…broke. Every fear and insecurity I had about our relationship became bigger, and I wondered what else I’d miss if I married you. Even if I went to college wherever you were based, how could I ever establish a career moving from place to place as a military wife? How could I finish a degree when I’d have to stop and start over again with every reassignment?”
“I get it,” he said softly. “You got scared and justifiably so.”
“Cole, I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t be what you needed me to be or who I wanted to be. So I sent the email and…wound up at the party upset and broken and mad at the world,” she told him. “So I tried to forget I existed in the only ways I knew how.”
Ana slid around the piling and turned away from Cole to stare out at the little white caps breaking as the waves rolled to shore. She was about to take another step but wasn’t sure her knees would hold her weight when Cole wrapped an arm around her from behind.
His hand settled on her opposite shoulder, his forearm stretching across her collar bones, and a single step left him leaning his shoulder on the piling, her back against his chest.
She lifted her hands to his arm, intending to loosen his hold and establish some distance because she didn’t deserve the comfort he offered, but instead she found herself just…holding on.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” he said softly. “Not the way you needed me to be. That’s not how a relationship is supposed to work. I let you down.”
His words gutted her. She hadn’t been there for him, either. Because sometimes love simply wasn’t enough.
She felt the wiry hair of his forearm beneath her fingertips, the steely strength under his skin. He’d gotten some ink while in the service, and she found herself staring at the design. Semper Fi scrolled beneath her fingertips with decorative flourishes and shadows surrounding it, ending several inches above his wrist. There were also small letters and dates tucked tightly to the main tattoo, and her instincts told her they belonged to friends he’d lost.
Fifteen years of life separated them, but in that moment she shared his pain. She knew she should pull away and establish some distance, but in the shadows of the pier, the world fell away, and it was them—staring out at the end of the world.
The heat of Cole at her back, protecting her from the cool breeze, carried the scent of sandalwood and mint. It filled her head in a heady combination and left her trembling for a different reason.
“Tell me what happened next. Did you…like this guy? Want more?”
He murmured the questions near her ear to be heard over the surf and the noise overhead. Her fingers flexed over his arm, and she shook her head. “No. I mean, after the grad party we saw each other once more, but we didn’t… It was a mistake I didn’t want to repeat, and life moved on,” she said. “My parents pulled some strings and got me a late admission into Duke. I went to my classes, settled in, and…then I couldn’t stop throwing up.”
She broke his hold and turned to face him, a wry smile pulling at her lips as she met his gaze. “My roommate suspected it first. She got me a test and freaked out with me and then went back and bought two more packs so I could take those and confirm the first.”
“And Benjamin’s father just abandoned you?”
“I contacted him, told him when all the tests were positive because I thought, well, I’m not sure what I thought because we didn’t hook up again after that one night. Anyway, he shut down any idea of involvement.” She shook her head at just how quickly he’d denied being the father, called her names. “He made it clear he didn’t believe me, said if I was, I should abort and that, either way, I was on my own. After that, he blocked me. I knew his presence wasn’t a loss given his response.”
Cole muttered something under his breath before he tugged her into his arms and hugged her close.
“I can guess how that went over with your parents.”
She closed her eyes and breathed him in, letting his scent comfort her and soothe her even as she warned herself against it. She and Cole had had their chance. This? This was just…closure.
Analise lifted her head from where she’d allowed herself to rest it against his chest and purposefully removed herself from his embrace, taking several steps back until she left the shadows of the pier and the sun found her. “A word of advice if you ever run into them. Go in the other direction.”
“Why is that?”
“Just do it, Cole.”
“Tell me why.”
“Because they need a scapegoat, and they blame you,” she said, walking backward. “Trust me, it’s for the best if you just walk away.”