Chapter 9 #3
I wouldn’t let myself think about what all this meant.
How any outsider looking in right now would assume we were this picture-perfect family.
Because that we would never be. All Carolina and I could ever be again were coparents to the perfect boy who laid beside me.
Instead of focusing on those thoughts, I slipped my arm off the back of the couch and wrapped it around Luke and relished in the moment of having him tucked safely beside me.
Thirty minutes into the movie, Luke snored softly.
“He never makes it through the full movie when we watch it at night. Let me take him,” Carolina suggested as she stood.
I didn’t want this moment to end. I didn’t want to leave him and go next door and be away from him.
“May I?” I asked as I looked up at Carolina, silently pleading with her to let me have this moment.
She nodded as she stepped back.
Carefully, I moved Luke in my arms so that he sat in my lap, his little head snuggled into my neck as I stood from the couch.
Carolina led the way down the hallway and opened the door to Luke’s room, standing back so that I could enter.
A nightlight illuminated the room as I walked across the floor to his bed.
I pulled back the covers and softly laid him on the bed.
He turned and faced the wall, and I stood stock still hoping that he wouldn’t wake.
Once he was settled, I covered him with a soft comforter, leaned down, and gave him a kiss on top of his head.
“Good night, buddy,” I whispered as I stepped back and took a mental picture so I could remember the moment I tucked my son in for the first time.
“He needs to have his blanket close or he will wake up scared,” Carolina said as she walked around me with a plush blanket in her hand. She tucked it under Luke’s arm as she leaned down and whispered something in his ear I couldn’t quite make out before she gave him a kiss of her own.
Once she was finished I walked into the hall. She followed behind me and looked back before she softly closed the door behind her. I let her lead me back down the hallway, unsure of where we went from here since Luke was now asleep and my visit was over.
“Do you want a glass of sweet tea and to sit on the porch?” Carolina asked as she walked into the kitchen toward the fridge.
“Sure,” I agreed, my voice caught in my throat, unsure of how this conversation would go.
I walked out the front door feeling like I was leaving a piece of my soul behind as I walked over to one of the rocking chairs and sat down to wait for Carolina.
Carolina came out a few minutes later with a monitor and a Mason jar of sweet tea and another Mason jar in the other hand.
She sat beside me, set the monitor on the table, and handed me my glass.
I took a sip and was not shocked in the slightest that it was the perfect amount of sweetness.
“It’s good,” I told her as I set the glass on the table, unsure of what to say and how to begin the next conversation we needed to have.
“My mama taught me well,” she said with a nervous laugh.
“Before we begin tonight, I just need to say somethin’,” I told her.
“What’s that, Leo?” she asked as she eyed me warily.
“Thank you,” I began.
“For?”
“Having him. Raising him so well. You can tell how much the two of you love each other. In just the short amount of time I spent with him, I can tell he’s a great kid,” I told her as I looked her in the eyes.
Her eyes widened before filling with tears.
She looked away from me to wipe them and took a deep breath before she turned back to face me.
“I don’t know what to say,” she whispered. Her leg bounced up and down as she waited for my reply.
“You don’t have to say anythin’. I just needed you to hear that first,” I told her, anxious to ask her when I could see him again.
“How did tellin’ him I’d be here tonight go?” I asked, deciding to start small.
“He was so excited. He jumped up and down and told me he wanted to help make you dinner.”
“That’s cute,” I said with a smile as I bit my lip, unsure how to broach the subject of my time with Luke.
“Yeah, he loves to cook and show off in the kitchen. Ever since he was tall enough to help me, I’ve let him. I’m glad tonight went well,” she said as she tucked her hair behind her ear and picked up the Mason jar, taking a long sip of her tea.
“Where do we go from here?” I finally asked, unable to hold off any longer.
“That’s up to you, Leo. You can be in his life as much or as little as you want.”
I instantly wanted to take offense to her statement, but I had to remind myself that she’d done this all on her own for seven years. She hadn’t had any help, that I knew of anyway.
“I want to be in his life. After just one evening with him, I can’t picture my life without him in it. I just don’t know how we work out a schedule for me to be in his life. I don’t want to upend your life either. I just want to be a part of his.”
I hoped I relayed everything the way I meant to.
“I’m glad, Leo. He deserves the world and to have you in his life. It’s what I always wanted,” she said.
If it was what she genuinely wanted, she would’ve come home before now, I thought to myself, but refrained voicing it. I didn’t need to cause any issues since she was agreeing to let me see our son. I’d deal with my disdain for this situation in private.
“How many days a week can I see him? I’m off on the weekends at the ranch,” I asked. I wanted to see him every day but knew that wasn’t likely, so I left it up to Carolina to decide.
“Why don’t we play that by ear? I know ranch emergencies happen, so you won’t always be able to be here.
Just message me and I’ll let you see him any day you want during the week.
It helps that you live right next door. And you can have him on Saturdays, and I’ll have him on Sundays. Does that work for you?”
She was more than generous, and it took me a minute to respond as I processed the shock.
“Can we switch the weekend days around, and I have Sundays and you have Saturdays? It’s just that my parents and all my siblings always do family dinner on Sundays, and I’d love it if Luke could join us. Crap, I didn’t take any pictures tonight to send to my mom,” I said.
“Yeah, that’ll work. Your parents know?” she asked with a gasp.
“They do. I told them the day after I found out. My brothers know too. I haven’t told Ainsleigh or Gentry yet, but that’s only because I haven’t seen Ainsleigh to tell her since she’s home with Livvy most days,” I told her.
“They’re still together? Who’s Livvy? I saw Ainsleigh at the coffee shop pushing a stroller, but I didn’t know the baby was hers,” Carolina asked.
“It’s a long story, but yes they're together. Livvy is their baby girl who was born last month,” I told her, pulling out a phone to show her a picture.
“Luke has a cousin. He’s going to love that. She’s adorable,” she said as she looked at the phone and then back up at me.
“I can send you some photos of Luke from tonight. I took several when y’all weren’t looking,” she said.
“That would be great. Thank you for dinner tonight and for lettin’ me meet Luke,” I said as I stood, knowing that I should leave but not wanting to leave Luke behind.
“You’re welcome, Leo. Let me know when you want to see Luke next, and I’ll make it work,” Carolina said as she stood as well.
I wanted to ask if tomorrow was too soon, but refrained. I’d message her tomorrow after she had time to process everything.
“Have a good night,” I told her as I walked toward the porch steps, pausing as I reached the top and put my arm on the railing, turning back to face her.
“You too, Leo,” she said with a smile.
I walked down the creaky porch steps feeling lighter but also like I’d left a piece of my soul behind at the house next door.