Chapter 17
seventeen
Leo
Isat on the front porch rocking in the rocking chair, a beer in my hand as I stared off into the night.
My mind reeled from the events of the day.
Luke’s laughter echoed in my thoughts. Carolina smiling over at us tortured me in the best way possible.
To any outsider looking in, they’d assume we were this happy family having a good time.
Only they’d be wrong. I couldn’t even classify Carolina and me as friends.
I didn’t know anything about her now. Only the bare minimum that I’d had to pry out of her.
She only talked about Luke, and I couldn’t help but wonder how she'd changed over the past eight years.
As hard as I tried to keep my mind from going there, it went there anyway and continued to plague me until I had no choice but to continue wondering about her.
I brought a couple of the letters out here in hopes to read them, but they sat unopened on my lap.
I didn’t know why I couldn’t open them. It wasn't like I didn’t know what they were about, but I just knew that the second I went there...
The second I saw her handwriting on the page I would picture the life she had without me in it.
I’d see everything that I hadn’t been a part of.
Everything I’d missed in the last eight years and secretly longed for.
Picking up the envelope on the top, I took a swig of beer and sat it on the porch beside the chair.
I slid my finger under the flap of the envelope and carefully opened it. I pulled out the folded piece of notebook paper and sat the empty envelope in my lap.
With shaky fingers, I unfolded the page, a picture fell to my lap.
I looked down and picked it up.
Staring back at me was an ultrasound photo.
I ran my fingers across the image. The words thumb sucking with an arrow pointed to the image.
I squinted my eyes and could make out the side profile of our little Luke sucking his thumb.
Tears filled my eyes and fell as I continued to stare down at the black and white photo.
My hands shook harder as I held the letter in one hand and the picture of Luke in the other. With a deep breath, I began reading.
Leo,
I’m not sure if you got my other letter.
You haven’t called me yet. This wasn’t the way I wanted to tell you.
I wanted to tell you over the phone, but my calls aren’t going through.
A few months ago, I kept getting sick and took a pregnancy test. As you can see by the ultrasound photo included in this letter, it was positive.
I found out at my last doctor’s visit that we’re having a little boy.
I haven’t decided what I’ll name him yet.
I think I’m waiting for you to respond so we can figure out his name together.
I want you to know that I’m okay. I settled in a beautiful town on the East Coast. I decided to go back to school instead of traveling because I need to make a life for me and this little one.
Please call me or respond to my letters. I want you to somehow be a part of his life. I would never keep him from you. I just can’t come back to Haven Valley. I know that it’ll be hard to figure out a way for you to see him, but we’ll figure it out.
I’m sorry for everything, Leo. You deserved so much better than me. Maybe someday you can forgive me and you’ll contact me then.
Until then, I hope you’re doing well.
Carolina
Water stains smudged the ink, and I realized it was from the tears that flowed freely down my face.
Reading the words she wrote broke something inside me.
My heart fractured at picturing her scared and alone and trying to figure out how she’d raise a baby on her own.
A piece of my soul felt like it died knowing that she’d done all that she had to tell me about Luke–aside from coming back and telling me in person–only my stubbornness had prevented it all.
Carefully, I placed the ultrasound photo in the center of the page and folded it before I slid it back into the envelope.
I leaned over and picked up my beer and finished it. Not feeling an ounce better once the bottle was empty.
With the backs of my hands, I wiped the tears from my face.
A bloodcurdling scream from next door had me standing in a flash, instantly on alert.
The envelopes in my lap long forgotten, I jumped over the railing of the porch.
My ankles screamed in pain as my feet hit the ground, but I continued running until I was over at her house.
I took the porch stairs two at a time and raced to the front door.
Jerking open the screen door, I went to knock but the front door opened. Luke’s frightened body ran right into me. I put my hands on his back to steady him, so he didn’t fall over.
“Daddy, Mommy’s screaming and she won’t wake up,” Luke frantically cried. Picking him up, I rubbed my hand across his back to soothe him as I walked into the house.
I sat him on the couch, but his little arms clung to my neck, too afraid to let go.
“It’s okay, little man. I’m here,” I said as Carolina let out another gut-wrenching sob. Luke clung to me more as his tears soaked my shirt.
“I need to go check on Mommy, okay. I’ll be right back.
She’s just having a bad dream,” I assured him as I took his hands from around my neck and settled him onto the couch.
He laid down and curled in a ball; his hands covered his ears.
I took a blanket off the back of the couch and covered him with it before I went down the hall to find Carolina.
Cautiously, I entered her bedroom to find her thrashing about on her bed. Her hands fisted the blanket, her body coiled tight as her head tossed back and forth.
“Get away from me,” she yelled out.
I walked across her room and over to the bed, careful not to scare her.
“Carolina, wake up,” I said softly as I gently shook her shoulder.
Only she didn’t rouse. She thrashed harder and let out another scream.
I took a chance and sat on the edge of the bed, placed both of my hands on her shoulders, and shook harder.
“Come on, Carolina. Wake up,” I said a little louder hoping it worked.
Something was terrifying her, and I hated seeing her this way. So fragile and broken.
She jolted awake and scurried away from me. I had to reach out and tug on her foot before she fell off the other side of the bed.
“Get away from me,” she screamed.
“Carolina, it’s me, Leo,” I calmly told her, not wanting to frighten her even more.
“Leo?” she questioned, her voice groggy from sleep.
“You were having a nightmare,” I explained, not sure if she’d remember what had her so scared.
“How’d you get in here?” she asked as she began to calm and slumped into the headboard of the bed.
“I was on my front porch and heard a scream. I rushed over here and Luke met me at the door crying because you were screaming and wouldn’t wake up,” I relayed to her.
“Oh no, Luke. I didn’t mean to scare him,” she said as she frantically shot across the bed and out of the room to find him.
I followed closely behind, trying not to notice that she was only in a T-shirt.
“He’s in the living room on the couch,” I told her as we exited her room and her eyes searched between his door and down the hallway.
She ran down the hallway and over to the couch where she sat on the floor. I was sure her knees hurt with how hard she fell to the floor, but she didn’t even flinch as she rubbed her hands over Luke’s head and whispered to him words of reassurance.
I leaned against the wall as I watched their interaction.
“I’m so sorry, sweet boy. Mama didn’t mean to scare you,” she said as she pulled him into her arms and into her lap.
He looked up at Carolina; his tiny hands went to her cheeks and wiped what I assumed were tears away.
“You screamed so loud, Mommy,” he said as he looked into her eyes and his hands stilled.
“I know, baby. It was just a bad dream. I’m okay now,” she told him as she pulled him in for a hug and rocked him back and forth. His arms went around her neck, and his head burrowed into the crook of her neck as she soothed him.
“How about I go get you settled back in bed?” she suggested as she stood. His legs wrapped around her waist as she walked. When she passed me, I contemplated following, but decided against it, giving her the space she needed to tuck Luke into bed.
I walked over to the couch and waited for her to return.
About ten minutes later, a frantic Carolina rushed down the hall and opened the laundry room door.
“I have to check. I can’t live like this anymore,” she whispered to herself as she pulled the stepladder out and carried it over to the kitchen.
Turning around to watch her, I stayed on the couch as she flipped the light switch, and the brightness of the kitchen light illuminated the room.
She set the ladder up under the light fixture in the kitchen. Her legs shook as she climbed the ladder and began to loosen the bolt that held the fixture in place.
“What are you looking for?” I asked, hoping the sound of my voice didn’t scare her.
“I just have to look. Can you help me look?” she said as she looked into the glass globe. She screwed the bolt back into place before she held on to the back of the ladder and climbed down.
“What are we looking for?” I asked as I stood and cautiously walked into the kitchen.
“The officer told me to check the light fixtures and the lamps,” she explained, not making any sense. At the mention of an officer, I went on high alert and wondered what she meant and what really caused her to return to Haven Valley.
“What do you mean? What officer?” I asked but she was a woman on a mission as she came into the living room and looked under the lampshades and behind the television. She got on the floor and looked under the television stand.
I walked over to her just as she stood, and placed my hand on her shoulder to stop her so she could elaborate.