Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
RORY
I feel like a complete arse. Catrina is here, she is heavily pregnant, and she’s come to see me expecting… well, God knows what she is expecting. Apart from the baby.
Seeing her on the doorstep like that, my mind racing, all I could think of was Jane. Jane, the love of my life, waiting for me upstairs. Catrina, a friend with benefits, standing on my doorstep with her swollen belly, a smile on her face as she announced: ‘Surprise! Can I use the loo?’
I’d stood and blinked like a complete eejit as she did her business, adding up dates and cursing my ignorance about female anatomy. How pregnant is she? Is it… is it mine?
She’d emerged from the toilet looking relieved, and was obviously confused when I grabbed my car keys.
I wasn’t sure what to do, what was going on, but I knew that this wasn’t a conversation we should be having here.
Not with Jane upstairs, and potentially the world’s messiest situation to deal with.
I’d dashed upstairs to talk to Jane, hating the way she looked when I said I was leaving. The hurt in her eyes, the quietness of her voice. The way she covered herself, seemed to try and make herself smaller. But what else could I do? I had no clue what was coming. No idea of what was going on.
Now, Catrina and I have driven down to the bay. We call in to Rosie’s café for coffees, and Rosie raises a curious eyebrow as she passes me the takeaway cups. I shake my head – I couldn’t tell her anything even if I wanted to.
We first stroll down to the beach, find a spot to perch, staring at the waves, at the sunlight shimmering on the water, at the gulls circling above.
‘So,’ I eventually say, after scalding my lips on the black coffee. ‘Is it… is the baby mine, Catrina?’
She glances at me, an amused look on her face, and pats me on the thigh.
‘Don’t be shitting yourself now, Rory Callaghan,’ she answers, her smile mischievous.
‘Even if it was, I wouldn’t be hounding you.
I know what our arrangement is, and I’ve never had a desire to change it.
I only ever wanted you for a few nights at a time. ’
Huh. Fair play, if a slight dent to the ego. I let her carry on, because she still hasn’t really answered my question.
‘And no, it’s not – but the look on your face when I turned up at the door! Absolutely priceless, man! I should have videoed it, it would have broken the internet…’
My first and overwhelming feeling is one of pure, stark, glorious relief.
I suspect that probably makes me a terrible human being, the kind that should get themselves off to a confessional booth at the first possible opportunity, but I can’t help it.
I like Catrina, and part of me has often wondered what it would be like to have children.
If things had been different, maybe I wouldn’t have been relieved.
Maybe I’d have been disappointed, felt that I was missing out. That life had cheated me again.
But as it stands, hearing those words come out of her mouth almost makes me cry.
The entire drive down, I’d been holding off asking, not wanting to be the world’s most insensitive prick, trying desperately to remember the last time we’d seen each other – did we use condoms?
We always used condoms. But condoms are not infallible, and there was pretty clear evidence that something had gone wrong…
or right, depending on your point of view I suppose.
Now I know for sure, I want to rush back home.
Get back into bed with Jane. Heal that small hurt I’ve caused, close any distance between us.
I don’t feel right being away from her, and now Catrina has told me what I need to know, I fight the urge to just get up, and run all the way back up the hill.
That wouldn’t be fair, or kind, or decent. I told her she could call in any time, and it’s not her fault I was too busy rediscovering my first love to check my messages. ‘So,’ I say, ‘tell me all about it…’
Catrina smiles, but there is an edge of sadness there.
She rests her hands on the curve of her stomach.
‘A tale as old as time, Rory – a one-night stand. It was before you came to visit. Three weeks before to be precise, with a performance poet I met at the gallery. Which now I say it out loud makes me feel borderline embarrassed…’
‘Which bit – the performance poet part?’
She laughs and rolls her eyes. ‘No. The slutty behaviour.’
‘Don’t be daft. Double standards need not apply here – we never promised each other anything, did we? So you didn’t know, when I visited?’
‘Och no! Not for a while. I’m forty-six, Rory, I thought such things were behind me, you know?
I never wanted kids when I was younger, and by the time I started to think it might not be such a terrible fate, I’d got divorced and couldn’t bear the thought of being with someone seriously again.
No, I was happy by myself, and I still am…
except I’m not quite by myself any more. ’
‘No, you’re not. Are you scared?’
‘Absolutely bricking it! It’s why I’ve come home.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. We’ve both been busy with work, and I only found out when I was four months gone…
thought my irregular periods were down to my time of life.
Ironic. Then when I did know, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, what I wanted…
and there was a scare, a bleed, a time in hospital.
None of which seemed appropriate chatter for a text.
I mean, what’s the emoji for all of that?
No, I decided that when I was home, I’d just come and tell you everything.
That maybe you could give me a foot massage, and maybe, if you didn’t find me too physically disgusting, we could even pick things up where we left off. Let me tell you, hormones are a bitch…’
I slip my arm around her shoulder and give her a quick hug before moving slightly away. No need for mixed signals, we can be honest with each other. ‘I can only imagine. But things have changed here too, Catrina.’
She looks up at me, feigning shock. ‘Don’t tell me you’re pregnant too!’
‘Nope. But I am in love. Madly, wildly, totally in love. Drowning in it. Up to my eyeballs in it. Absolutely, one hundred per cent gone.’
A pause, a look. Maybe a moment of sadness – of us both acknowledging that what we had has passed. And that even though we were never destined to be a great love story, we meant something to each other. There was respect, and shared interests, and friendship.
‘Well now,’ she says, ‘that sounds like something that needs celebrating. Take me to the pub, and I’ll watch you drink a Guinness. After I’ve called into that gorgeous wee bookshop of yours.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes. I’m pregnant, not disabled. Come on – bookshop first!’
We head to the Edge of the World, and get an update on Moira from a very curious Kate.
She chats to Catrina about her pregnancy, and recommends a few books – all while very admirably not questioning me.
Afterwards, Catrina comes to look at the murals, and my heart sings when I see the newly painted animals.
I knew she’d do them eventually. ‘That’s Jane’s work,’ I tell Catrina proudly, pointing to the perfect owl family.
Catrina’s tastes are more avant-garde, but she still enthuses.
Next I show her the gallery, which she falls in love with, and then we wander along the waterfront to the Kestrel.
She has a fizzy water, and I stick to an orange juice myself.
‘You look twitchy,’ she says after a few minutes. ‘Desperate to get back to the missus?’
I am, truthfully. Apart from anything else, I need to explain what’s going on to Jane before she hears about it some other way.
Rosie saw us, Kate saw us, and now we’ve been in the pub for a while – that’s pretty much like putting out a formal announcement around these parts.
I’m surprised I haven’t had Moira on the phone haranguing me already.
I nod, grinning. Catrina gets it. She stands to her feet, planting them wide apart for balance.
She looks beautiful – her skin fresh and clear, her hair glossy, her smile genuine.
‘I’d best be off anyway. Thanks for this morning, Rory.
I’m a bit disappointed not to be getting some top quality sex, but it’s been good to talk.
I don’t think I’d realised how much I needed that – a friend to unload on.
I’ll head back to Edinburgh but I’ll stay in touch. ’
‘You don’t have to go. It’s a long way, and apparently you need to pee every seven minutes. You could meet Jane.’
‘Well, I’d love to meet Jane – the woman who finally tamed Rory Callaghan!
– but I’m not sure now is the right time, eh?
Maybe not something to dump on her without warning.
Fill her in, and then maybe we could all meet up?
I’m probably going to need to move out of my flat, and it might be useful to have some help from a big strong man who has a van… ’
‘Not a problem. You just let me know, and I’ll be there. I’ll bring a whole village full of big strong men with me, and you won’t have to lift a finger. You just concentrate on growing another human being inside your body…’
We’re both silent for a moment, and then she laughs. ‘I am doing that, aren’t I? I still can’t quite decide if it’s a beautiful miracle, or really gross…’
‘Maybe both,’ I say, as we head back to the car. I wrap her up in a hug, and drop a gentle kiss on the top of her head. I meet her eyes. ‘It’ll all be okay, Catrina. And you’re not alone.’