31. Charlotte
Almost Thirty Years Ago
A ball of insecurity was slowly forming in Charlotte’s stomach, like one of the rubber band balls Brady kept on his desk that he insisted on adding to after reading the weekend edition of the Sioux City Journal.
She fought back tears, missing her mom and dad desperately on this momentous day.
Would she ever recover from the loss of her beloved parents?
Growing up, she’d known her parents were much older compared to those of her classmates and friends, but nothing had prepared her to lose them within months of each other.
Imagining a life where they wouldn’t be there for her or their precious granddaughter was impossible, and she held on tightly to her daughter’s hand as the two of them walked to Longfellow Elementary.
It was Isobel’s first day of kindergarten, and Charlotte’s first day of classes at La Salle University.
How would she manage everything? Amy had teased that today would be her first taste of freedom, but the idea carried far too much weight.
Now more than ever, she would have welcomed the endless encouragement and unfailing optimism her parents had consistently provided as she turned this corner in her life.
“Mommy, when will I see you again?” Isobel’s teary brown eyes worriedly stared up at her as her bottom lip started quivering.
Charlotte knelt down, gently reminding her, “Sweetheart, Daddy will pick you up from school today, okay? That’s why he went to work extra early this morning. When I’m done at my school, I’ll rush right home.”
“Then we can make ice cream sundaes?” One thumb-sized tear trailed down Isobel’s plump cheek.
“Then we can make ice cream sundaes,” Charlotte assured her, hugging her daughter tightly, thankful she’d come up with an after-school plan both of them could look forward to.
“Excuse me, can I get in on this?”
Isobel squealed, “Auntie Amy,” and launched her tiny form at the woman who had saved so many moments teetering on the brink of collapse. Amy’s glistening black hair streamed over her shoulders as she bent to hug the girl she’d held two hours after her birth.
Straightening, Charlotte flashed a grateful smile at her best friend as she said, “Are you sure you’re not in high school, Issy? You look so much older than these other kids.”
“Aunt Amy, don’t be silly! I’m only five! Ooh, Mommy, there’s Jackson! Can we go inside now? I’m ready for school!” Isobel gleefully announced.
Fifteen minutes later, Charlotte joined Amy outside the school entrance. “Well? How’s my goddaughter?”
“Fine,” Charlotte wiped her eyes, “but I’m not so sure about her mother.”
“What time is your first class?” Amy’s query added another rubber band to the ball in her stomach.
Charlotte paused and then replied, “Eleven.” Was this a terrible idea, starting college now, at twenty-three?
She’d vowed that as soon as Isobel started school, she would, too, but maybe it was too soon?
Since the day she’d registered for her classes, she’d felt selfish, and Brady hadn’t helped, often insinuating that she should hold off another year, that Isobel needed her waiting at home during her first year of school.
Too easy to believe one year postponed would turn into five years, she had gone ahead with her original plan.
“Perfect. Come with me.” After ushering her into the passenger seat of her brand-new Mazda Miata, Amy handed Charlotte a Hardee’s bag, pointed to the styrofoam cups in the console, then put her car in drive.
“Is this a loaded omelette biscuit?” Taking a bite of her breakfast, Charlotte gasped, savoring the flaky, buttery biscuit piled high with sausage, bacon, and cheese, all enfolded in fluffy eggs.
“You shouldn’t have, since I’m still trying to lose at least thirty pounds, but thank you.
” During her pregnancy, Charlotte had gained over fifty pounds, but everyone had assured her the weight would come off once Isobel was born, then once Isobel started nursing, then once Isobel walked, but the fat had refused to listen.
Although Brady never complained, Charlotte couldn’t help but wonder if her weight was keeping her from being more intimate with her husband.
Their sex life now had neither the steam nor the intensity compared to when they were teenagers having sex illicitly in her childhood bedroom.
“Stop, you’re absolute perfection.” Amy pulled the car into a parking spot at the Sergeant Floyd Monument, an obelisk overlooking the Missouri River.
Dedicated to Charles Floyd, a member of the Lewis and Clark Expedition who died in 1804, it had always represented freedom to Amy and Charlotte, who used to go up there to plot their escape from Sioux City once they were old enough.
“Don’t tell me Brady’s been commenting on your weight.
” Amy held up one of the cups, reading the lid before passing it to Charlotte.
“Here you go—got you extra cream in your coffee, just the way you like it.”
“Thanks.” She tugged at her top, wishing for more room between it and her stomach. “No, he hasn’t said anything, but he can’t be happy.”
“Screw him, then. The only thing that matters is how you feel! From my vantage point, you are gorgeous.” Amy grabbed her own breasts, laughing, “I wish my boobs were as big as yours. ‘Not all of us were meant to be tall and thin’. Isn’t that what your mom always said?”
“I miss her so much, Ames. Sometimes, when Isobel is in the right light, I can see my mom in her. The way she used to tilt her head when she asked a question-”
“Or the way she frowned if no one else wanted ice cream.” Amy grinned at Charlotte. No one loved ice cream more than Saloma Sherk, and she’d passed her love for it on to her granddaughter.
“I guess I should just be thankful that Isobel got five years with my parents, huh?”
“They adored that kid so much. You were lucky to have them,” Amy said, and Charlotte grew solemn.
Amy had never known her own father, and her mother had struggled as a single mom for years.
In fact, Amy had spent so much time at Charlotte’s house when they were in grade school that Jacob and Saloma had called her their second daughter.
Memories rushed over her, making her wistful. “Remember the last time we were up here, Ames?” savoring the coffee her friend had brought. Amy so often knew what she needed.
“How could I forget? We came straight from Casey’s after you peed on the stick.”
“You had to buy the pregnancy test because I was too terrified to do it.”
“You would’ve had me take it for you, too, if it had made sense.”
“I don’t think I ever thanked you for bringing me up here so we could wait for the results.
” She shuddered. “The last place I wanted to find out was in a gas station.” Looking at Amy, she marveled, for the millionth time, how their friendship could have fallen apart after that summer, with the changes in their lives.
Their bond had only gotten stronger. “You were the first person to know.”
“I was probably as terrified as you, but you kept yelling, ‘Just tell me! Just tell me!’ Bitch wouldn’t even read her own pregnancy test.” Both doubled over in giggles.
“We were so young. Brady was so pissed that you found out before he did.”
“Poor dude. Still hasn’t gotten over playing second fiddle, has he? First to me, then to Issy.”
“Have you been listening in on our fights, then?” Charlotte finished her biscuit before adding, “You know, he tried to talk me out of today.”
Amy shook her head and smirked. “What? You mean taking Issy to school?”
“No…college.”
“What the actual fuck? Are you kidding?” Amy shook her head again. Charlotte had a difficult time believing it herself. “I can’t believe him! Why didn’t you say anything?”
“What could I say? He thinks it’s too much for me, that I haven’t properly grieved for my parents.
And maybe I haven’t, but today has given me something to look forward to, especially with Isobel starting kindergarten.
Honestly, I feel like I’d been losing Mom and Dad for years, each of them so sick, on and off, for so long.
” Charlotte’s throat tightened talking about her parents, the kindest souls who had ever lived.
They’d been lenient with her growing up, with fewer rules and more independence than she should have had, but all from a place of love.
Grief overtook her, and she doubled over, crying.
She would never talk to her mom on the phone again, her voice always laced with quiet support, and her dad was never going to surprise her with caramel rolls when she was having a bad day.
“Oh, Lottie, I know it hasn’t been easy, first losing your mom and then your dad.
But they wanted this for you—they always thought you should get your degree.
” Charlotte’s mom had been the one to help her decide to major in English, with her dad nudging her toward teaching.
Before becoming a mother, Charlotte hadn’t known what her future would hold; too often with her head in the clouds.
Once Isobel was born, she had no choice but to be realistic, with neither the time nor the headspace to dream.
Wiping tears away, Charlotte admitted, “It’s not just about my parents, though. Brady is worried that college is going to change me.”
“Are you kidding me? Of course you’re going to change—it’s part of growing up…
I mean, look at me: Miss Responsibility now that I’m a nurse.
I’m letting men chase me for once.” Amy’s tone lightened in the way it had so frequently this past year as she coaxed Charlotte from her misery.
“I haven’t even told you yet about the hot radiologist who asked me out for dinner this weekend.
God, Lottie, he is so fine. He could be the one.
” Charlotte snickered. Amy had met “The One” at least a dozen times since working at the hospital.
Amy turned the radio down as a Smashing Pumpkins song blasted.
“Back to Brady, though—he had his time when he was in college to change. He matured. Mostly.”
“What if we grow apart?” Charlotte’s voice quivered. “What if I meet new people?”
“You and I grow apart? Never!” Amy quipped, then squeezed Charlotte’s hand. “Just kidding. I, for the record, hope you do meet new people. I’m assuming poor Brady might not be feeling the same? Is he getting paranoid?”
“Things haven’t been easy for us. He worked such long hours this summer, since it was so hot.
Everyone’s air conditioning was on the fritz, and he couldn’t keep up.
We haven’t gotten a lot of time together.
” Sometimes it slipped her mind that she was only twenty-three. Too often she felt twice her age.
“But…you guys are good, right?”
Were they? Sometimes Charlotte stayed awake after her husband and daughter went to bed, resigned with her life: the routine, the mind-numbing repetition of every day. No passion, unlike her novels, which were too often her only comfort long into the night.
“I couldn’t handle it if you and Brady didn’t make it, you know.
I was the biggest doubter when you two got married, but you guys proved me wrong.
” Amy’s disapproval had almost driven a wedge in their friendship, so much so that the two of them didn’t speak after Amy went away to college, only making up when Amy came home for winter break several months later.
Charlotte waved away her best friend’s concern.
“We’re fine, just adjusting to all these changes.
” Should she admit she feared she wasn’t as in love with Brady as she had been before they had gotten married?
When they had spent breathless moments in her bedroom, surrounded by posters of New Kids on the Block, the Goonies, and Debbie Gibson?
If only she’d been more rigorous about her birth control.
If only her parents hadn’t been so permissive.
If only Brady had kept condoms in his wallet.
If only, if only, if only…things had turned out differently.
But they hadn’t, so here she was, on the first day of the rest of her life, when she could finally be in charge of her future.
“Well, you are going to be a star. And listen, I know the title of English teacher wasn’t one you’d planned since you were young, but you are going to be amazing. You love books and correcting my grammar—what more is there? Plus, I know your mom and dad are proud as hell of you, wherever they are.”
“You think so?” Charlotte’s voice wobbled.
Drawing her into a hug, Amy rubbed Charlotte’s back. “Without a doubt. You know how many times your dad told me that you were their greatest blessing? And your mom on your wedding day, when everyone was all sour pickles and gloom and doom, showed me that blanket she was knitting for the baby—”
Charlotte interrupted, “Isobel still has it, sleeps with it every night.”
“See? And even though she’s young, Issy will have those memories of her grandparents. Now, my friend, wipe those eyes and finish that coffee, because it’s time to get you back to your car so you can get your happy ass to college—finally!”