Chapter 20
DELPHINE
I'd timed the call to Dorian, calculating the ceremony, the photos, the cake, maybe dancing, then the coastal road home. It had rang and rang some more. I counted—four, five—and somewhere in the counting an awful feeling crept up the back of my spine. He wasn’t answering.
He saw the call and chose not to answer.
I don’t know how I knew it to be true. I just did.
I’d been emotionally left behind once. I could see it for what it was now.
I didn't leave a voice message. Instead, I sat at the kitchen table with the phone face-up in front of me and composed a text.
Hope today wasn't too brutal.
No. Brutal was presumptuous since I hadn’t been there. I hadn't been asked to be there.
Thinking of you.
God, no. I deleted it, character by character, as if the speed of deletion were relevant. What was I even doing? Analyzing three-word texts? When had I become this pathetic? This was not me. I didn’t beg for attention from a man. If he didn’t want to talk to me, fine. I wasn’t some lovesick girl.
Something had changed, though. I could feel it in my bones. He’d never once not answered my call. Something happened at the wedding that made him want to distance himself.
I deleted the text and opened my friends group chat instead.
Delphine
SOS. Pelican. One hour?
Gillian
Leo’s in bed and Alex says I should go. So I will.
Lila
I’m still at the office and will come straight there.
Seraphina
I’m afraid to know why SOS, but I’ll be there.
Esme
I’ll be there. Soleil will most likely be with me and I haven’t showered for … actually I’m not sure how long. See you all soon.
I beat everyone to The Pelican and sat waiting, feeling like I was going to cry. This is why I didn’t get involved. Because other than the four women about to surround me like penguins, everyone let me down. Or, rather, men let me down. Oh, and my mother.
But Dorian? I was just starting to trust him.
Soon, we were all gathered in our favorite booth. Drinks were on their way, as were baskets of fries and a pita veggie plate Esme wanted.
She didn’t have the baby with her. “Grady insisted I go without her. He said it would be good for me. Also, he made me take a shower.” Which explained the damp hair piled on top of her head.
Even a month postpartum, she looked fantastic.
I’d not have known she had a baby by looking at her. She was her usual pretty, sunny self.
Gillian seemed tired but in good spirits, happy to be out of the house without any of her four children. “And the baby’s teething, so it’s been a trying week.”
Seraphina had taken the day off to spend with Hunter, and she looked all the better for it. Since she’d married Hunter, she worked less, and it agreed with her.
Lila had come from work and appeared slightly frazzled. But the moment she sat down with us, her full attention was on me.
“What’s going on?” Gillian asked me.
“This is going to sound dumb, but here goes.” I explained the unanswered phone call and the nuances of the wedding that could be factors in his withdrawal.
Lila nodded thoughtfully. “So he didn’t answer the phone? Maybe he was still at the wedding.”
“We’re talking one phone call?” Seraphina asked. “Isn’t that a bit of an overreaction? I mean that with love, of course.”
“I know. But I have a feeling. A bad feeling,” I said.
“But you two have been spending every evening together, right?” Esme asked. “He’s not going to suddenly change his mind just because he went to a wedding.”
“The wedding of his dead best friend’s wife,” I said. “All kinds of triggers there.”
“Maybe,” Seraphina said. “But I’ve gotten to know Dorian pretty well the last few years. He’s as steady as they come.”
“I think you’re reading too much into it,” Gillian said. “You’re just feeling vulnerable, which is totally understandable. You haven’t allowed yourself to like someone in a long time.”
I fought tears. Darn it, I would not cry in front of my friends. I never cried in front of anyone. I was more the curl up on the bathroom floor where no one could see me type. “I think I’ve fallen for him.” I covered my eyes with my hands. “And I think I’m about to regret letting my guard down.”
Our drinks came, which took our attention for a moment.
When the server left, Lila, who was sitting next to me, wrapped her arm around my shoulders for a squeeze.
“You’ve been brave, and we’re all proud of you.
But we all see how he looks at you, not just recently either.
Maybe today was just really tough and he needs some space. ”
“I agree,” Seraphina said.
“I have a thought,” Esme said. “Which is a miracle these days. But what if something did trigger him at the wedding. What would it be? Something with Nate’s kids maybe? Something that would make him worried about Annie?”
“Or decide he doesn’t want to be with a woman with kids,” I said. “He mentioned the older daughter was struggling.”
“Remember Bella when Alex and I started dating?” Gillian asked. “She acted awful. So maybe it’s something to do with one of the daughters.”
“I assumed you were going to the wedding with him,” Seraphina said. “Why didn’t you?”
There it was. The tap tap tap of pain right in the middle of my chest. “He didn’t ask. He didn’t even bring it up, you know, for discussion.”
“That hurt you, didn’t it?” Esme asked. “Which is making this seem worse than it probably is.”
“Yes, it hurt. I mean, we’ve spent every night together for weeks—and he doesn’t take me as his date?” Saying it out loud made me realize how much it had been bothering me. “I don’t understand why.”
“But you didn’t feel like you could ask him about it?” Gillian asked.
“I wanted to. But that’s not something I do. I don’t beg a man to take me to a wedding.”
“It’s not begging,” Esme said. “It’s simply asking the question.”
“Maybe he thought you wouldn’t want to come?” Lila suggested.
“Or wanted to keep his past out of his present?” Seraphina asked. “Nate and his wife were part of his old life. You and Annie are part of his current life. Maybe he didn’t want them merged.”
I nodded, as if that sounded reasonable, which it did. However, my flight instincts were in full activation mode. “Annie’s been automatically setting a third place at the table. She’s in deep.” And so am I.
“I know it’s scary, but you just need to text him and ask if he’s all right,” Esme said. “Or just ask how the wedding went.”
Gillian fiddled with the charm bracelet on her wrist. “Annie’s all in. Which is really scary. I don’t think any of us want to see her hurt.”
“Not after what she has overcome,” Seraphina said. “That said, Dorian’s sensitive and kind. He’s not going to hurt Annie.”
“You don’t know that,” I said. “You haven’t seen the two of them together.”
“I’ve seen it,” Gillian said. “Last group dinner they seemed thick as thieves.”
“She wants a dad,” I said. “Like the rest of the kids have now. And that makes it hard to breathe. You know, if I let myself think this could actually work out and then it doesn’t? What happens to Annie?”
“You have to have the talk with him,” Lila said. “Ask him where he sees this going.”
“If he’s in or out,” Esme said.
“Yes, and if he truly understands what he’s doing with Annie—getting her hopes up,” Gillian said. “And what it means if he bails.”
I knew they were right. But easier said than done. Especially for me.
“This is exactly what I didn’t want,” I said. “Complications. I was doing fine. And now I’m sitting here with a stomach ache. I hate this.”
No one said anything for a long moment.
Finally, Seraphina said, “I believe he understands what it all means to Annie, but I agree. You have to ask him if he’s really ready to be a stepfather. If he isn’t, it’s best you know now.”
“And why the heck he didn’t ask you to the wedding,” Lila said. “Maybe start there.”
“You’re right,” I said. “All of you. I’ll talk to him.”
The relief around the table was instant and warm, as if everything were solved, which it most decidedly was not. “Now please, for the love of God, can we talk about someone else’s life? Make it sound bad. Esme, tell me the baby still isn’t sleeping. Lie to me if you have to.”
Like good friends do, they did as I asked. The rest of the evening was spent catching up on their lives, which I’d been neglecting the last few weeks. When we were all talked out, we split the check and headed out into the foggy night. Lila hugged me last and longest.
“Text him tonight,” she said into my hair. “Don’t overthink it.”
“I will.”
The fog was thick and damp, so I took it slow going home. I switched on music and then switched it off. Music made me think of Dorian. Reading made me think of Dorian. And cooking. And sharing a bottle of wine. Laughing about Poe. Seeing him with my baby girl.
I cursed under my breath, angry at myself for allowing this kind of vulnerability into my life. I was right. Entanglements are not worth it. Not if they made me feel like this.
Annie was on the couch in her pajamas watching television, with Poe curled next to her. She shut the TV off when I came in. “Mom, have you heard from Dorian? I texted him a photo of Poe sitting on top of a clean pile of laundry, and I didn’t hear back from him.”
“The wedding probably kept him busy all day. I’m sure we’ll hear from him tomorrow.”
“You haven’t heard from him either?” A little knit of worry creased her forehead. “But you two text all day.”
“I called him. He didn’t pick up, so I figured he was occupied.”
“Yeah, that’s probably it. The wedding went long or something. He might still be there.”
I could tell from her tone she didn’t believe that, and neither did I. We understood what the sound of silence means.
Upstairs, I sat on the edge of the bed and opened my text thread with Dorian. His last message from that morning sat at the bottom of the screen, ordinary and warm, thanking me for dinner the night before. Letting me know he was headed to the wedding.
I didn’t type anything. For the first time in two weeks, I didn’t say goodnight.
I turned the phone face-down on the nightstand and switched off the lamp. I, too, knew how to go silent. I’d just forgotten how loud silence could be.