Chapter 23
DORIAN
On Thursday, I headed to the support group, even though I didn’t want to go. Somehow, though, I knew it was what would help me figure out this mess I’d made for myself. I’d wondered if Delphine might show, but she didn’t. Thanks to me.
Ellen opened the meeting in the usual way and then asked if anyone had anything they’d like to share. Mateo, June, Everett, and Lorrie were all in attendance.
I raised my hand, stomach churning. “I’d like to, if no one else wants to go first.”
“Please do,” Ellen said.
“I’ve had a weird couple of weeks. I’ve tangled some things up I shouldn’t have.
” I went on to explain about Delphine and Annie.
“We had a great few weeks, and then I had to go to the wedding.” I told them about giving Becca away and my interaction with Luci.
“And I don’t know. I kind of freaked out. ”
“Freaked out how?” Ellen asked.
“I just started thinking about Annie. Her tender heart. The way she so clearly wants a father figure. And I panicked. Told Delphine I wasn’t sure how I felt about her.”
“Is that true?” June asked.
“I thought it was. Until I lost her.” I told them the details of the conversation with Delphine. “She just shut down. Like a light switched off. She even told me Annie would no longer be working for me at the bookstore. Suddenly her soccer schedule was going to keep her too busy.”
“You hurt her, so she retreated into a place more comfortable,” Lorrie said.
“That’s right. And the thing I figured out is that I do know how I feel about her. I’m in love with her. And I love Annie too. They became my whole world, and I didn’t realize it was even happening. Then I wrecked it.”
“Do you know why?” Mateo asked.
I nodded. “I think so. I found the photo I’d promised Luci, and I took it up to her.
On the way home, I stopped at that lookout that’s at the highest elevation between here and Cliffside Bay.
I hadn’t even planned to, but there I was, sitting in the same spot I’d sat with Nate not long before he died.
He'd been home from deployment a few months at that point, and I asked him how it was going. He said it was an adjustment. One that wasn’t going well.
Becca was used to raising the kids without him.
Maria treated him like a stranger. And then he said, Sometimes I think they'd all be better off without me.
It would've been better if I'd died over there.
They could think of me as a hero then, instead of the waste I truly am. "
Through tears, I made myself keep going.
“I didn’t know what to say, so I just patted his shoulder and told him everything would be okay. To just give it time. A few weeks later, he was dead. If I’d just stepped in then. Well, you all know the bargaining thing.”
Nods around the room.
“But as I was sitting there, looking at the ocean in the dark, everything sort of fell into place. I wasn’t unsure about how I felt about Delphine. I was terrified—to love someone who might leave.”
“Like Nate left,” June said softly.
“Yeah, that,” I said. “When I was with Becca that night, dropping off the photos, she said something that actually penetrated my thick skull. Nate’s legacy should not be a lesson on fear and avoiding love and entanglements.
She said that would be tragic. And she’s right.
But as you all know, it’s not easy. Losing him the way I did rocked everything I thought I knew about life and the world. ”
More nodding from around the circle.
“What does that mean to you? Actionably speaking,” Ellen asked. “Are you ready to tell Delphine how you really feel?”
“I am,” I said. “Even though I’m not sure she’ll be open to hearing it.”
“You might be surprised,” Lorrie said, picking up her knitting from the bag at her feet.
“If you say it right,” Mateo said. “Apologize. Tell her you were wrong.”
“Becca said she needs more than words,” I said. “But I don’t know what that would be. Words are all I have.”
“It will come to you,” Ellen said. “We all believe in you.”
Everyone chimed in with yes and for sure and you got this.
“Thanks, guys, for listening,” I said. “This group’s meant so much to me.”
“Does anyone else want to share?” Ellen asked.
“I have an update,” Everett said. “I mentioned I was going on a date. Someone I met online.”
“Oh, yes, how did that go?”
“No sparks in person, but it wasn’t as hard as I’d worked it up to be in my mind, so I kept my profile up. A few days later, I had a match and a message. We really connected online, so I asked her out.”
“And?” Ellen asked. “Sparks?”
Everett glanced at June. “As it turns out, I knew her already.”
“We were corresponding without realizing who we really were,” June said. “Isn’t that crazy?”
“Crazy?” Lorrie asked, chuckling. “Perhaps divine intervention.”
“When did you figure it out?” Mateo asked.
Everett grimaced, but he was smiling. “When I walked into The Pelican and saw her sitting there— first I thought, what a coincidence that she was there the same night I was. I’m not the brightest bulb, apparently.”
June nodded, leaning forward, her eyes shining. “I had no idea it was a friend from support group on the other side of all the messages we’d sent to each other through the app.”
Ellen, for once, seemed flummoxed. “I’ve never heard something like this. Not in all the years I’ve been doing this.”
“So what did you do when you saw each other?” Mateo asked, sounding as if he wished there were some popcorn to go with this fascinating show.
“It took us a minute to figure it out,” Everett said. “When we did, we laughed and laughed.”
“Then we had dinner and laughed some more,” June said.
“And we’re going out tonight after group,” Everett said.
“As in, a date,” June said, grinning. “Our fourth now.”
“My dears, that’s such a delightful update,” Lorrie said.
“We know it’s probably not a great idea for us to be in the same group,” June said. “But I feel ready to move forward.”
“As do I,” Everett said. “Finally.”
“That’s wonderful,” Ellen said. “But I would encourage you to look into other groups, should you feel the need for support.”
“We will,” June said. “Thank you.”
Our time was up by then. We all gathered our things, then filed up the stairs and out into the summer evening.
Everett and June were holding hands as they crossed the parking lot. Lorrie headed to her car, knitting bag clutched to her side. Mateo lingered for a moment, tapping my shoulder.
“Hey, I had a thought about something besides words,” Mateo said. “What if you brought her a gift that was dependent on time. Like a physical thing that tells her—I’m here to stay.”
“It’s a good idea,” I said. “I’ll think about it.”
We shook hands and headed to our cars. Before I started the ignition, I noticed text notifications on my phone. Hoping it was Delphine, I pulled it up. It was a text from Theo telling me Poe had showed up at the store, looking a little beat up, and could I come take a look at him?
Poe? Back at my store? How was that possible? It was a good five miles to Delphine’s house from the bookstore.
Delphine must have dropped him off. That was the only explanation. A cat, especially Poe, didn’t walk all the way into town on his own. He would find that terribly undignified and also a lot of exercise.
I guess he was stuck with me, even if his heart belonged to Delphine.
When I got to the store, Theo was just putting the closed sign up in the window.
“Hey, man,” Theo said. “The cat’s back, dude. And he doesn’t look so hot.”
“When did you first see him? And where is he now?”
“He zipped in here about twenty minutes ago on the heels of a customer. Just darted in like a bolt of lightning, then sprinted past me and into your office. And dude, his paws were wet. With sweat. I’ve never seen a cat sweat.”
Poe sweating? What was happening? Was the world about to end?
“I gave him some of my tuna sandwich,” Theo said. “But he turned his nose up at it. Might be the capers. Cats don’t like capers, maybe?”
“That sounds like him,” I said dryly. “Thanks for letting me know. I appreciate it.”
“My pleasure. And now it’s time for old Theo to take a few tokes and hit the drum set, you know. I’ve got to get some practice in before my audition.”
I let that go, not really in the mood to hear about Theo’s latest big plan, and headed to my office.
Poe was behind my desk. In my chair. He’d arranged himself so that only his head showed above the desktop, ears up, eyes half-lidded, like a small, orange Supreme Court justice waiting to condemn me.
“Hello, Poe.”
His tail flicked, smacking against the seat of the chair, reminding me of a furry gavel.
I came around the desk to pick him up, but he was having none of it.
He flattened himself out and became forty pounds instead of sixteen.
So, instead, I knelt on the floor in front of my furry nemesis and checked his paws.
Pads worn rough. Road dust. A burr up under one elbow, two more in his britches.
They were no longer damp, but I could see traces of paw prints on the floor and all over my desk.
“You ran all the way, here? Is that what I’m seeing?”
“Meow.” Elongated to make his point. I wasn’t entirely sure what that might be. I sank down into the guest chair. My own guest chair, in my own office, across the desk from a cat who had the audacity to return to me. The person he didn’t even like.
“What are you doing?” I asked. “You should be home with Delphine.”
He returned to a seated position, his chin on the edge of the desk, green eyes full of judgment.
“What did you do to get kicked out?” I asked. “Be yourself?”
He blinked, slowly, and his whiskers trembled.
“So you didn’t get kicked out. You ran away. To me?”
He simply stared at me.
“And why on earth would you do that? Did you miss me?”
Poe yawned, so wide I could see all his teeth.
“Or are you a messenger?” I asked. “Come to tell me what an idiot I’ve been.”
“Meow.” That was unquestioningly a yes.
“And you want me to fix this for the woman we both love?”