Chapter 38
EBBA
The Australian Open is already underway, and it’s been nice to see my brother smash his first few matches. He had a rough go of it for most of last year, but he seems to have his head back in the game this season.
I finish applying my makeup and clean up the mess I’ve made on the counter. Makeup products are scattered everywhere.
When the bathroom is in order again, I make the bed that I’d left a mess.
I know I could have the housekeeper do it, but it seems silly to waste their time with something I can easily do.
I toss some empty water bottles into the trash and pick up my clothes from yesterday and slip them into my bag to be washed later.
With the room looking tidier than it did before, I rifle through the drawers for something to wear today.
The vibration of my phone on the dresser has me pausing.
Fisher: Come to the courts.
Me: Why?
And why the hell am I grinning at my phone like an idiot?
Fisher: Because I miss you, that’s why.
And now I’m only smiling bigger. Jeesh.
Me: Okay. I just have to get dressed.
I grab a cute fitted athletic shirt and a matching tulle skirt in a purple color. A brand sent it to me in the hope I’d post content, and if I’m going down to the practice courts then I might as well wear it and get some photos.
I change into the clothes and snip off the tags.
My leg is doing well today, but I take my cane with me just in case. I’m trying to get better about being prepared and having it with me.
A bus and golf cart ride later I find myself at the practice courts. I flash my badge that gives me access to most areas and follow the directions Fisher gave me.
I locate the court and find him speaking to Noah. I wave hello to Noah’s other group of coaches. I don’t see my brother, so either he’s on his own court or off doing something else.
When I turn back to Fisher and Noah I find Fisher grinning at me.
My heart stutters at how hot he is. Wavy brown hair, tanned skin, and wearing all white.
He jogs over my way, bracing his hand above the gate I just entered through.
“Hey, beautiful.”
“Hi.” I hope I’m not smiling up at him like a lovesick fool, but I probably am.
Not that I’m in love with him. But I am finding it harder and harder to resist his charms. Something changed between us over our Christmas trip.
We’ve kissed a few times since then, but he hasn’t pushed me for more than that.
He’s waiting for me, I know, but I’m terrified to make that move because I know once I do there won’t be any coming back for either of us.
His fingers graze the sliver of my stomach exposed between my top and skort. “I feel like I’ve barely seen you since we got here.”
“You’re busy being a coach.”
“It was nice, spending every day with you and not being tied up with all of this.” He gestures his free hand around us, his other holding a racket.
I tug on his shirt, bringing him slightly closer to me. “But now, back to reality.”
“Mhm.” He leans in more, his nose grazing mine. “I really want to kiss you.”
“Then why don’t you?” I challenge.
He cocks his head to the side, expression thoughtful. “Because you need to ask. I need to know it’s what you want.”
I’d love to mess with him and not say anything at all, but the fact of the matter is I really, really want to kiss him. I haven’t had my lips on his since New Year’s Eve weeks ago.
“Kiss me.”
Grinning, he braces his hand above my head again and lowers until his mouth finds mine. The kiss is slow and tender at first, but when I moan and press up into him it quickly becomes heated.
“Hey, lovebirds!” A tennis ball smacks the ground near my feet. “I have a practice to finish.”
Fisher pulls away from me, shaking his head. “Fuck you, Noah.”
Noah just laughs. “You can make out with your wife later. We need to finish up here.” To me, he says, “Hey, Ebba. I think Sabrina and Maddie are at the clubhouse if you want to join them.”
“I’ll do that.”
Fisher grabs my elbow before I can walk away. “We won’t be much longer here, and I’ll catch up with you.”
“Okay.”
I itch to lean in and kiss him again. A part of me screams to hold back, that I’m falling too hard for him all over again and I need to keep my wits the best I can, but a bigger part of me gives the middle finger and says fuck that.
Fisher seems surprised when I kiss him again, but his face radiates with pure happiness when I pull away.
I don’t look back as I scurry away in search of Sabrina and Maddie, but I hear Noah ribbing him.
I spot the two of them hanging at a picnic table with drinks and sandwiches.
“Ebba!” Sabrina spots me, waving me over. “I didn’t know you were coming to the practice courts.”
“My needy husband asked me to come.”
I know what I’ve said the second it leaves my mouth, but it’s too late to take that single word back.
“Husband, huh?” she teases, doing a little shimmy.
“At least temporarily,” I sigh, sliding into the space beside Maddie. “Hey, Mads. How are you?”
“Good,” the little girl answers. Although, she’s not much of a little girl anymore. She’s a preteen already. “I like your skirt.”
“Thank you. Yours is cute too.” She’s outfitted in a light green top and white tennis skirt. “I’m sorry we haven’t had much time to catch up,” I say to Sabrina. “I want to hear all about your honeymoon.”
“Oh, it was amazing,” she gushes. “I wasn’t sure about going right before the season kicked off, I was okay waiting a year, but Noah insisted and I’m glad he did. It was wonderful.”
“Has he said any more about retiring?”
She takes a sip of her lemon water and nods. “I think he’s dead set on retiring at the end of next season unless I get pregnant sooner.”
Maddie heaves a sigh beside me. “I keep asking for a brother or sister. I’m not getting any younger here, people.”
Sabrina shakes with laughter. “Have some patience.” Shaking her head, she says to me, “How are things with Fisher?”
Since young ears are right beside me, I can’t say too much. “Basically, the ball is in my court now. I’m the one who has to make the moves.”
“Go Fisher.” She claps.
“Hey,” I groan. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”
“I’m on the side of what’s going to make you happy and deny it all you want, but he does. I think the guy has been plenty transparent with his feelings for you and I can’t blame him for wanting you to put in a little effort.”
“Yeah,” I sigh, drawing my finger through the condensation on the table left from Maddie’s water bottle when she moves it.
“Talk to me,” Sabrina pleads. “I can practically hear the gears turning in your head. You don’t have to keep all your thoughts to yourself.”
“It’s dumb,” I mumble. “I’m gonna go grab a water.”
She opens her mouth to protest, but I’m already up and moving before she can get a word out.
“I’ll be right back, Maddie,” she says behind me, following.
Great.
“You’re not getting away from me that easy,” she says. “Get your water and then we’re talking.”
After I’ve secured an ice-cold bottle of water from the station, Sabrina drags me around the side where she can still see Maddie, but we have more privacy.
“I love you, Ebba,” she says. “You’ve become one of my best friends, but I hate seeing you like this.”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re terrified to let someone into your heart again.
I know what you went through with Fisher wasn’t easy, and then with your ex last summer…
” She trails off shaking her head. “What I’m saying is, I understand your reservations, but you seem happier when you don’t overthink it.
I know you held a grudge against him for a long time and it seems like there’s a part of you trying to hold onto that—like maybe you think it’s not justified if you forgive him and get back together. ”
God, she’s hit the nail on the head. Put my thoughts into words I couldn’t begin to articulate.
Unshed tears sting my eyes.
“I think that’s exactly it. What if I wasted years we could’ve been together?”
“Oh, honey.” Sabrina pulls me into a hug. “You have got to stop beating yourself up for the past. You’re letting it drag you down. It’s time to move on. You can’t get that time back. Do you want to regret a few years without him or an entire lifetime?”
Whoa.
Her words hit me like a sack of bricks to the chest. The air is knocked out of my lungs.
I must be silent too long because she says, “Have you thought any more about therapy?”
I drop my eyes to the ground. My sneakers are white with little flowers stitched on the sides. “A little.”
Her warm hand closes around mine. “I’m not trying to be pushy, but I think you should try.”
“Yeah,” I sigh. I’m not sure why I keep putting it off. It’s not that I’m anti-therapist. I think, deep down, I’m scared of someone telling me I’m wrong for having the feelings I do. Holding onto so much hurt for years can’t be normal, can it?
“Remember, I’m always here if you need to talk.” She gives me a reassuring smile.
“Thanks.” I don’t sound thankful, but I am. My life got infinitely better when Noah hired her on as a nanny.
We return to the table with Maddie, and she immediately starts trying to sweet talk Sabrina into pizza.
Sabrina, ever the push over when it comes to her stepdaughter, assures her, “I bet we can make that happen.”
I spot Noah and Fisher headed our way. They’re in a deep conversation and Fisher gesticulates wildly as he speaks.
My heart lurches at the sight of him. My whole body instantly perks up like a sunflower stretching to feel the sun’s rays.
I know I’m letting fear hold me back.
The fear that he’ll abandon me again if something bad happens.
Logically, I know that I’m the one that pushed him away.
I can acknowledge now that time has passed, that he didn’t purposely ignore me when I was alone in that hospital.
But those facts don’t change the way my body responds after feeling one way for years.
As much as therapy terrifies me, I know it’s what I need to do.
I owe it myself to try, but even more so I owe it to Fisher.