Chapter 23 Ben
BEN
The guys surround me when we get back to the house.
I try to play the accident down as much as I can.
It wasn’t a big deal at all, but I can imagine Elias blowing it up to epic proportions in his head and for good reason.
I can’t even imagine how much this must have caused old trauma over his mom to resurface.
I feel terrible that I did that to him. Nate didn’t help, joking about joy riding.
I could have strangled him when he started up like that.
When Elias excuses himself to use the bathroom, I pull Nate into the kitchen to talk to him.
But before I can say a word, he jumps in.
“Hey, what’s Elias’ deal?”
My face flushes. I want to tell him to keep his voice down, but the guys are being noisy, fighting over the TV in the other room.
“What do you mean?”
“Why did he come barreling into the hospital like a protective husband?”
Husband. My heart pounds so hard it hurts before I give myself a reality check.
“He did not.”
“Um, yeah, he did. He was like one of those big alpha male guys.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what I mean, they usually have darker hair, but they’re always as tall as Elias, maybe a bit broader, and they go around shouting things like ‘who hurt you’ and ‘I’ll kill anyone who touches you—with my bare hands.’”
I snort, but I’m ashamed to say the idea of Elias threatening to kill anyone who touches me kind of turns me on.
“He did not say that.”
“He might as well have. He looked like he was going to bludgeon me to death when he thought I’d distracted you from driving. I told him you only had whiplash—at worst.”
“You don’t understand, he has … listen, it’s his business, but, just please trust me on this, yeah? He has his reasons for overreacting today.”
Nate frowns. “Does he have anger issues or something? Ben—”
“No, not anger issues, just some trauma. So can you please stop talking about crashing cars? It might really freak him out.”
“Shit. Did something happen to Elias? Was he in an accident or something?”
“It’s not my business to tell. Just trust me, okay?”
Nate nods, running a hand through his hair. “Okay, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
The smile slowly spreads across Nate’s face again. “He really likes you.”
Don’t. But I can’t say it. Nate thinks Elias is my boyfriend, not just a guy I’m hooking up with. Why wouldn’t he be protective over me? I’m supposed to actually mean something to him. I can’t let myself get carried away over Elias’ reaction today. He would have acted like that over anyone, right?
When we head back into the living room, Elias is sitting on the edge of the couch. The guys are passing chips and popcorn around and fighting over the remote. He looks at me through the madness. Our eyes meet and for a moment, I feel held in place and … seen.
He stays for the madness of movie night at a frat house.
A lot of guys come and go, but some stay for the whole movie—talking over the important parts and getting shushed.
Throwing popcorn someone’s going to have to clean up later—probably me.
At one point, my brothers spill onto the floor, sitting on cushions and that gross beanbag someone dragged in from the clubhouse.
I wonder what Elias thinks about all this.
I’d always considered college the happiest years of my life.
The years I’ve been so scared to leave behind.
Does he think it’s all silly and a waste of time?
Or can he see what I see?—friendship, camaraderie, the opportunity to be better and build meaningful relationships for life.
His face gives no clues, as usual. He sits there with his excellent posture, watching the movie and eating an occasional kernel of popcorn.
The guys don’t seem phased by him hanging around. They’ve gotten used to girlfriends and Evan hanging around by now.
I don’t think he’s paying attention to me at all. In fact, I think he’s forgotten I’m even here. I’m sure I could slip out and he wouldn’t notice. But then my phone buzzes in my pocket and I see a text he must have sneakily sent when I wasn’t looking.
Can I hold your hand?
When I saw a text from him pop up, I thought he was going to ask if we could sneak off and have sex. But no, he just wants to hold my hand—in front of all my fraternity brothers.
I put my phone back in my pocket and watch him sweat for a moment, noticing now how tense his jaw is. How good he is at pretending to be cool.
I slide my hand over to his and give it a squeeze. He squeezes back.
A few of the guys glance over and smile at the sight of our clasped hands. Archer snorts before going back to the movie.
God, this feels amazing. Not being pathetic, lonely Ben for once. People seeing me as someone with an actual boyfriend, even if we are just temporarily hooking up.
The credits roll on the movie and Archer tells the pledges who are still awake to start cleaning everything up. I try to help, but Archer clamps his hand on my shoulder and tells me, “This is pledge work, Harris.”
“You are being nice to the pledges, aren’t you?”
I glance around for Jamie. He always looks like he’s on the verge of crying. But he’s nowhere to be seen. He must have gone to bed.
Archer holds a hand to his chest and makes a face like he’s offended. “Of course I am! I take my role as co-pledge master very seriously. These guys are like my little brothers.”
“If you say so.”
“Oh, and Harris.” Archer leans in so he can whisper. “I’m in the room next to yours, so keep it down tonight, yeah?”
I could die on the spot. Archer winks before turning to bark instructions at the pledges.
I think Elias is going to go home after the movie anyway, but when I walk into the hallway with him, he turns and asks where my room is.
I love the idea of him spending the night, but reality sinks in pretty quickly. I’ll keep him awake with my stupid snoring and sleep-talking. “You don’t have to stay, I’m fine.”
His face drops. “You don’t want me to stay.”
“No, it’s not that. I do, it’s just … I don’t want to keep you awake.”
He pulls me in by the waist and kisses the top of my head. “I don’t care.”
His smell this close has all kinds of things happening to my body. I can’t help myself. I nod against his chest, letting myself give in.
The house is still noisy with guys getting ready for bed and talking in their rooms. My room has its own small bathroom, so Elias brushes his teeth with one of my spare toothbrushes and puts a pair of my sleep shorts and an old t-shirt on before climbing into bed with me.
“You look good in a Princeton tee,” I say.
He looks down at the orange writing on a grey backdrop with a shy smile.
“Looks better on you.” He shrugs. He says it so casually, it doesn’t feel like lips service.
“Pfft.”
As soon as I lay down, Elias pulls the comforter over us and shuffles in close enough to wrap an arm around my waist. His knees are pressed up gently against the back of mine.
His body gives off so much heat, it’s like being wrapped in a cocoon.
And his smell … don’t get me started. I never knew a person could smell so masculine.
“Elias?”
“Hm?”
“Why do you smell so good?”
When he laughs, the sound vibrates through his chest and causes a pleasant shiver to run down my back. It’s so quiet in my room I can hear him swallow. “You smell good,” he says.
When he presses his face against the back of my neck, his stubble feels so good against my skin that I moan. He takes a deep inhale, tightening his arm around my waist as he presses the lower half of his body tighter, too.
I automatically start grinding back, feeling him get hard. His hand slides down my stomach until it’s on my hip, gripping me in place.
“Stop,” he whispers. “Your fraternity brothers are next door, they’ll be able to hear us.”
For some reason, the thought doesn’t fill me with only dread.
“Is it possible to be scared and turned on at the same time?”
He swallows, loudly. “What are you scared of, Spatz?”
“What are you calling me?”
“Sparrow. Tell me, what’s scary?”
“Sparrow?”
He rubs soothing circles on my hip, probing me to go on. “Stop changing the subject. Tell me what you’re afraid of.”
I let out a big sigh. “I’m not sure … I’m scared of how much I don’t recognize myself these days.”
“In what way?”
“Like … the old Ben would never have done the things I’ve done.”
“Like what? Have sex?”
“Mm.”
I wait for him to laugh at me, but he’s quiet, still rubbing circles over my hip with his thumb until my eyelids flutter.
“It’s just new, that’s all.”
I tune into that thumb until it becomes my entire world.
“Feel better?”
“Mm, yes.”
His stubble scratches as he plants little kisses on the back of my neck. I can feel my … oh hell, who am I kidding? I can say cock … my cock straining through my sleep shorts.
“Will you touch me? Please.”
“Can you be quiet?”
“Yes. I’ll be good.”
When Elias traces his fingertips over my stomach under my shirt, I have to bite my lip to stop from making a noise. My breath catches when he reaches the waistband. He pauses, making me wait. In my head, I whine. My head falls back.
He slips his hand into my shorts. I don’t even care how embarrassingly hard I am. Or how much I’m already leaking through my underwear.
Elias’ fingertips ghost so gently over the cotton that my toes curl.
“God, so good,” I whisper.
“You are so much fun to tease.”
I smile. “You’re having fun?”
“Yes.”
I have to bite back a complaint when he takes his hand away, but it’s only to pull my shorts down to my knees. I wriggle my hips and help him when he moves on to my underwear. The sound of the elastic being yanked down sends a thrill through me. I roll my lips to keep my moan in.
In another moment, Elias’ hand is back on me, this time firmer, spreading precum down my shaft with his thumb.