Chapter 25 Elias #2
“A classmate and I have created a database for players to connect with coaches, nutritionists, trainers and other players, all in one place. We’re in talks with some local government officials to rejuvenate abandoned tennis courts and build new ones in sports centers and various outdoor lots across the country.
” Once I start talking, I can’t stop. I’m just so excited about getting this business off the ground and so proud of us for putting the work in.
“We have a few contacts who can help us find grants and sponsors since one of our main goals is to scope out talent in unexpected areas and bring tennis to kids from all backgrounds, not just the wealthy ones.”
Kingsley’s eyebrows are practically in his hairline by the time I finish talking. I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing until he says, “Well, I am impressed.”
Phew.
Kingsley looks at Coach. Coach Sanchez is beaming like a proud parent. Gosh, that feels good.
“Tell you what, Ben.” He slips his hand into his jacket pocket and pulls out a business card.
“Give me a call once the business is off the ground, I’d like to see where you take it. Maybe I could come and give your kids a talk about where to get started with a coach or something.”
I pick my jaw up off the floor and take the card the way my father taught me to—shaking Mr. Kingsley’s hand and thanking him.
“We’ll be in touch,” I tell him as professionally and maturely as I can manage.
He chuckles. “I’m sure you will.”
Before he leaves, I call him back.
“You should talk to Elias Liebrenz if you’re looking for a player to work with. I’ve never had a more hard-working teammate.”
He nods, his lips pursed in a tight line. “Elias is a good player. I’ve had my eye on him since his junior days. But I don’t know if he’s ready yet.”
When I get back into the locker room, everyone surrounds me, asking a million and one questions at once.
I zero in on Nate. “I told Mr. Kingsley about our business. He gave me his card.” I wave it in the air and the guys cheer.
“Is that what he wanted to talk to you about?” Archer asks. “How did he know you were starting a business anyway?”
I look for Elias, finding him with his back turned at a locker, already showered and changed into fresh clothes.
My heart sinks at the fact he’s not sharing this with me. And I don’t want to make it worse by telling everyone that Kingsley wanted to sign me as a player, not Elias, but I’m so tired of lying.
“He wanted to sign me as a player actually.”
“Ben, that’s awesome!” Nate slaps me on the back.
“Yeah, man, are you sure you don’t wanna do that instead?” Archer asks.
“You could do both,” Nate says, but I know he’s only saying it to be supportive. There’s no way I could be the co-CEO of a new business and a full-time pro tennis player. There just aren’t enough hours in the day and I wouldn’t want to spread myself that thin anyway.
“I can’t describe it, but, talking to Mr. Kingsley about our idea, it felt amazing. I couldn’t wait to get started. It’s what I want to do.”
Nate’s face lights up.
Elias shoves his racket in his bag and the guys turn to look at him.
“Elias,” Archer says. “Did you hear that? Your boyfriend just got noticed by the best pro coach on the tour. Don’t you want to congratulate him?”
Shut up, Archer! Elias has been upfront with me from the beginning about his intentions. This was his goal—his goal—and I took it from him. Even if I didn’t mean to, even if I’d change it if I could, it doesn’t change the fact that his dream coach chose me over him.
Elias’ shoulders come up as he takes a big inhale before turning around.
The expression on his face is so utterly dejected, I feel awful.
“Congratulations, Ben.” He forces a weak smile. “Excuse me, I have to.…” He points to the door as if he doesn’t even have the energy to say the word.
“What a baby,” Archer scoffs after he leaves. “Forget him, Ben. Enjoy your moment. He’ll get over it.”
Will he?
I ignore Archer asking me where I’m going and rush out after Elias, calling his name as he heads toward the exit. He stops but doesn’t turn around.
“Elias, please, wait, I’m sorry. I did tell him he should talk to you but—”
“Ben, please, stop.”
When I come around to face him, he has tears in his eyes. Crap.
“Elias.” I try to touch his face, but he flinches.
“I know it’s not your fault, and I’m trying to be happy for you. But this was my dream, and I fucked it up by getting distracted.”
“Oh, I—”
Elias shakes his head, holding up a hand to cut me off. “Just … let me focus, okay? You don’t even want to be picked up by a coach. I do.”
I nod, my heart sinking. I bite the inside of my lip as a lump forms in my throat.
“Sure,” I say, my voice so quiet it’s barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry.”
He opens his mouth and I expect him to tell me to stop apologizing, like he always does. But he just closes it again before walking away.
I have to dip into the bathroom before I can face the guys again.
I close myself away in a stall and let myself have a good cry.
God, this feels terrible. Even worse than that unrequited love thing I had with Nate.
Even though I knew what I was getting into with Elias, I never knew what it felt like to be wanted the way Elias wanted me.
Now I have to go back to living without it?
That sucks more than never having it at all.
The main door opens and I stop sniffling.
“Ben?”
Damn you, Nate.
I clear my throat before speaking. It’s still obvious I’ve been crying.
Nate’s tennis shoes come to a stop outside the stall door.
“Hey, you okay in there?”
“I’m fine.”
“Can I come in and give you a hug?”
“I’m okay.”
Pause. “Okay.”
He’s still standing there.
“Nate?”
“Yeah?”
What’s the point in keeping up the charade now? “I lied to you.” Why is it so much easier to talk to a bathroom door than a person?
“What do you mean?”
“Elias and I were never dating.”
Silence.
“We were pretending, to … get you off my back about finding a boyfriend.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry, Nate. I didn’t want to lie to you, it’s just … I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
Nate lets out a big sigh. “Ben, please open the door.”
“Seriously, this will be easier if you let me hide behind it.”
The door shudders when he leans his weight against it.
“Go on.”
I swallow. “I appreciated you trying to set me up, and I know you were just trying to be a good friend, but … it sucked.”
I pause and he waits for me to go on.
“Since freshman year, I kind of had a crush on you.”
There’s a long pause. Please say something.
“Oh.”
“I should have told you, I—”
“No, Ben.…” Nate takes his weight off the door and his sneakers turn to face me. “I’m glad you told me now. I mean, you should have told me sooner, then maybe I could have been more considerate.” He sighs. “God, it must have sucked hearing me talk about Evan.”
“I’m over it now. I think it was just … I don’t know.
I love you as a friend, and I guess I’d idealized the idea of us being more.
When you said you were bi, it just kind of made it real, you know?
It was easier when you were my unattainable straight guy crush.
Then you became my bi friend with a boyfriend and suddenly, the reason you weren’t into me wasn’t because you weren’t into men. Does that make sense?”
“Yes, it does.”
“I don’t want things to be weird between us. And please don’t tell Evan!”
There’s a bang against the door, like Nate slapped his hand against it. “Ben, if you don’t want me to tell anyone your secrets, then I won’t. That includes Evan. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“So, can you come out now?”
“Not yet.”
He snorts. “Fine.”
His shoes disappear. “Where are you?”
“I’m sitting on the counter and waiting for you to be ready to come out.”
“You’re a good friend, Nate.”
“So are you. That’s why everyone loves you.”
My heart pounds.
“You do know that, right? That everyone adores you?”
I study the back of my hands and try not to think about Elias making me feel wanted for the first time in my life. Maybe I should have focused more on the love my friends give me. It just wasn’t easy when I was ignored by my own family.
“So what’s the deal with Elias?” Nate asks. “You say you weren’t dating, but it sure looked real. Did you actually lose your virginity to him?”
“Yes. At my parents’ house. Nate, he was so kind to me. He stood up to my parents, told them how amazing I am. It was awesome.”
“You really like him, don’t you?”
“Yes, and I thought he maybe liked me.”
“He does.”
“No. He basically just told me to leave him alone. He needs to focus. He’s mad at me for stealing his limelight. All he cares about is being number one. Maybe he’s just like Priestley.”
“No, Ben. Priestley made you feel like crap. But I’ve seen you with Elias, he doesn’t make you feel like that. When you were around Priestley, you’d shrink. But when you’re with Elias, it’s like you … I don’t know, like you glow or something.”
I smile, but it’s short-lived. “You didn’t see his face, Nate.”
“He’s disappointed. He’s gutted right now, but just give him time, he’ll realize he’s been a dick and he’ll apologize.”
“Why are you sticking up for him? I thought you didn’t like him for me?”
“That’s before I saw him with you, before that day in the hospital when he looked like he was going to kill me for getting you hurt.”
“You didn’t get me hurt,” I argue, unable to process what Nate is saying about Elias. It can’t be true. It just can’t be.
“It reminded me of Evan’s reaction when I broke my wrist last year.
Those guys jumped him and I just wanted to save him.
It wasn’t his fault, but he acted like it was.
Like he hated himself. Well, Elias looked at me the way Evan looked at himself.
Like I’d broken something so important to him.
Like nothing else in the world mattered in that moment except you being okay. ”
Is Elias my Evan? Impossible. I could never have what Nate and Evan have. Could I?
“It really hurts,” I say. “I feel like I’m going crazy. I want to cry all the time. My chest physically aches when I’m around him. It sucks.”
Nate laughs. “That’s what being in love feels like. But it’s worth it. I promise.”
I whine and let my head fall back against the tiles.
“I don’t like it. How do you make it stop?”
“Open the door, silly.”
I lift my head, lick my dry lips and look at the door.
“I want to tell you one more thing before I open it.”
“Shoot.”
“I think I like weird things in bed.”
There’s a miniscule pause. “Okay.”
“I like it when … when Elias doesn’t move. Like … I just want to keep him … his you know … inside me. It just feels … calming and … really good.” My face is on fire, but at least I’ve said it now.
“So what?”
“So … it’s weird!”
“It’s not weird, Ben. It makes sense.”
“It does?”
“Yeah. Everyone likes different things. It’s your business. If Elias is into doing it with you, then great. I’m sure plenty of people are into the same thing.”
Yeah, I’ve seen them online, but online feels different to real life.
“Would you ever? I mean, you don’t have to tell me—”
“Sure. I mean, I think I’m way too impatient to last long before telling Evan to move, but if Evan wanted me to stay still for an hour and he was really into it, I’m sure I could be persuaded.”
I sigh, relief flooding through my whole body.
“Now will you open the door?”
“Give me a minute to stop blushing.”
“Ben!” Nate laughs, exasperated. “I’ve seen you blush a million times. It’s one of your more endearing qualities.”
“It is?”
“Yeah, now come out? I’m starving and you still need to take a shower. I’m not sitting on a plane with you stinking.”