Chapter 30
Chuck: Enter the girl gang, stage left! The sanity squad in this chaos.
Lou: They might be the only ones who can actually steer this ship straight.
Chuck: Or at least keep it from sinking completely.
Lou: Either way, they’re a welcome sight.
Every single chance we get, Clinton and I are together.
Hitting a few balls between shifts at Shaken Tropes and training sessions with the kids and long nights warming our hands over a bowl of black garlic ramen at Midnight Miso.
I’ve even gone shopping with his cousin, Selene, who is so fucking gorgeous it’s hard to look at her sometimes.
Who has genes like that? Maybe our kids will be beautiful like her. My eyes widen, and I take a long look at myself in the mirror, surprised my train of thought went in the direction it did. Children are wonderful, and it's something I want but never considered.
I won’t bring a child into this world if I can’t understand how to be in a healthy relationship. It's not fair to them, or me. But now, the prospect seems like a reality I would like to explore someday. My phone vibrates, pulling me out of my thoughts, and I open the notifications.
Papi
Just checking on you.
Paloma
Thanks Dad, I’m okay. Going for a run.
Papi
Just haven't heard from you and wanted to reach out.
I'm glad you are okay, mija.
Paloma
I didn't mean to go ghost after breakfast.
Just been thinking through some things.
Lunch? Next week?
Papi
Our place.
My lips quirk up at the corners as I tuck my phone back into my pocket.
My dad and I have been texting, sharing music, and telling each other about our days ever since our difficult conversation.
Getting to know him again has been a wonderful experience.
We missed out on so much of each other’s lives, it feels almost too good to be true.
I feel as though I’m waiting for the shoe to drop.
Like all of a sudden he’s going to stop answering or I’m going to wake up from this fever dream.
Lately, life has been perfect. It’s scary, but it's real.
Waffles meows from the door, and I turn the handle, cracking it open.
His round, orange body pushes through and immediately figure eights around my legs.
I bend down to give him a scratch under his chin and go back to doing my makeup, while he settles at my feet, snuggling in.
“You know, Waffles E. Benedict, I forgive you for running out of the house, but I will never forgive you for snatching that man’s chicken nugget straight from his hand.
” He purrs at my feet, completely unbothered by what I’ve said.
“I guess it’s better it was his chicken nugget than his finger, you little psycho. ”
I shake my head and pat in my sunscreen, rubbing it down my neck. I turn the sink on when my phone notifications ding and then dings again and again and again.
“What the hell is going on?” I rinse my hands quickly, drying them on the towel behind my door, and bring my phone to my face to unlock it.
Cass
Oh, Janelle, I’m so sorry.
Bri
Can we do anything for you?
Sending flowers to your mom’s house right now.
Janelle
I just, I wasn't expecting this.
I thought I had more time.
Cass
It always happens when you least expect it, honey.
Janelle
I guess you’re right.
It hurts so fucking much, guys.
I scroll up to the top of the text string to see what is going on. Panic is seeping into my psyche, my chest tightening until I can understand what’s going on. When I finally make it to the top, I see the text I can’t unsee.
Janelle
He’s gone.
My uncle is gone guys.
I feel like I can’t breathe.
There are multiple messages from Janelle as she shares her grief with us. Her Uncle Matt was someone incredibly important to her. She would skip out on us early in the morning to hang with Uncle Matt. He kind of became everyone’s uncle.
Paloma
I’m caught up.
I’m so sorry babe.
When do you come home?
Before she responds, a video call comes through. I answer and each of my best friends' faces come into view. Janelle’s pain is painted across her face in the same way Cassidy’s was when she lost her parents.
“I’m coming home in two days. I don't want to miss the funeral, but I also don’t know if I can do it.” Janelle’s voice cracks as tears flow freely down her cheeks. “I’m uh, I’m going to take bereavement leave. I’m thankful I was notified before I decided to sign on for another few years.”
“Yeah, don’t make any decisions when you can’t think straight,” Cassidy says, the most logical one of us all.
“Okay, well when you get here we will all pile in at my house and have a girls’ night. Something chill so you can take a breath,” I respond. Knowing whenever we all get together it heals something in each of us.
“I’ll hold the fort down at the bar,” Brianna speaks up.
“You absolutely will not. Cassidy and I will either close for the night or see if the part-time girls can take over. You are just as much a part of this family as any of us, B,” I say, not giving any room for argument. Cass nods her head backing me up.
“Janelle, flowers will be at your mom’s in the morning,” B says, seeming brighter. “You make sure to let us know once you get in and don’t worry about anything. If you need us—you call.”
“Are we allowed to be at the funeral with you?” I ask, needing to know what ways we can support her.
She starts crying harder. “You girls being there would be incredible.”
Janelle makes an attempt to wipe away the tears that are streaming down her face, too overcome with emotion and pain to really answer anything.
Not that she needs to. I can’t imagine how she is feeling, and I will do everything in my power to make sure she is cared for.
“I’ll bring breakfast to your parents’ house in the morning before work, okay?
Before she can respond, Cassidy says, “And I’ll bring them dinner tonight.”
“I'll handle lunch and dinner tomorrow too. We’ve got you, babe,” Brianna finishes.
We each tell her how much we love her and let her tell us a bit more about her Uncle Matt. It seems like she needs to speak his story, and we will always be here to sit and listen.
“You three are the best friends a girl could ever ask for. I love you guys so much.”
We each echo the sentiment back to her and stay on the phone as she packs her bags. We fill in the quiet where it’s needed and other times allow her the space to cry. Shared grief is easier to bear, and we’ll carry this with her until the weight of it isn’t as heavy.
The days waiting for Janelle pass quickly. She went to her mom’s house when she first got in and spent the day with her, but Brianna is picking her up now so we can all have a night in.
I have pajamas set on the bed with slippers for each of us. There is a charcuterie board in the fridge and wine chilling, just in case she needs a little bit of liquid love too.
Mami dropped off some guava pastries to Mrs. Paxton, Janelle’s mom, this morning and made sure to send a plate of them for us to enjoy tonight. I pick up the remote to play the music on the television just as Waffles begins to meow loudly at the door.
“Waffles E. Benedict Reyes! You will behave yourself tonight or I will put you in the room, do you understand me?” I slant my eyes at his side-eye I swear he’s giving me. A few knocks rap at the door, and Cassidy is wrapping me in a tight hug as soon as I let her in.
Brianna and Janelle pull up before I close the door. Cass and I race to the car door, pulling Janelle and B into an embrace. I smooth my hand down Janelle’s hair, letting her tears soak my shirt.
When I pull back, I hold her shoulders and look into her eyes. “We’re here for you, babe. Always. Let's go inside.” Interlocking our fingers, I walk her into the house with Cass and Bri following closely behind us. “Your pajamas and slippers are in the room. Go get changed.”
“You didn’t have to do all of this.” Janelle’s voice breaks, but she continues to my room.
“Yes, I absolutely did.” I shoo them all to the back and pull out the charcuterie board, filling the coffee table with the goodies I splurged on at the farmer’s market earlier with my boyfriend. A grin fills my face at the title and how it makes me giddy to think about.
For so many years, I pushed people away. Steeling myself to be alone, learning to be satisfied as several cats run around my feet. But now, it's not something I want to consider ever again.
Opening the freezer, I pull out the chilled bottle and pour each of us a glass of sweet, yet tart, red wine. Janelle follows Cassidy and Brianna out of the room, and they all change into their comfy pajamas and slippers.
Janelle already looks more relaxed than she did when she got here. Grief still rages across her face, but she’s at least calm.
Janelle takes the oversized chair and snuggles in as B joins her.
It makes my heart happy knowing we have our group of girls.
My life feels complete. There’s something about finding your platonic soulmates that shifts the world to its rightful place.
We hold each other accountable, call out bullshit, celebrate every single win, and we’re also here to blanket each other in comfort when grief comes knocking.
Cassidy is already bundled under a throw from the back of the couch when I come to sit down, snatching a marinated olive off the wooden board and popping it in my mouth.
“I know we are here for me, but someone please give me some good news because I can’t cry anymore today,” Janelle says on a sniffle, wiping a stray tear. “I’m all cried out.”
“Well...um, I have some good news,” I mumble, nervous to fully share everything with my friends. I hadn’t told them about sleeping over at Clint’s—well, not really aside from having Cassidy feed my little man. I take a deep breath and hurriedly say the next four words: “I have a boyfriend.”
A pillow launches from Janelle’s lap and hits me straight in the face. “Bitch! That is incredible news.”
Laughs tumble out of all of our mouths, even a small chuckle from Janelle sneaks out. “You may have heard of him considering he’s one of the most famous professional golfers.”
“Is it that silver fox you ran away from at Shaken Tropes a couple months ago?” Brianna asks as she leans forward in her seat.
“It is, and he is the best thing to ever happen to me.” I smile, my eyebrows reaching my forehead as joy envelops me.
“When did the ‘boyfriend’ officially happen?” Cass questions, snatching the pillow-missile from my lap.
“It happened when I was bent over the side of his balcony,” I squeak out. Screams and squeals follow for the juicy details, and I give them just a few, sharing with them our date on the green and how he’d unknowingly kept a nightshirt I left at his place almost a decade ago.
“And he’s like, what, fifteen years older than you. Fuck, he’s hot! Ahhh I am so thrilled for you, babe.” Bri shimmies in her seat from excitement.
“Almost twelve years older. He's so sexy and funny and—” I pause realizing something. The girls wait for me to finish, not wanting to interrupt my thoughts. “And, I think…no, I know, I’m in love with him.”
Cassidy gets up, grabs the bottle of wine and tops all of our glasses off. “This is for you, babe. Cheers to finding the man of your dreams, but more than that, healing this spot in your heart for someone worthy of it.”
We clink our glasses, and my face hurts from the joy I feel. Clinton is the man of my dreams, of my unsaid prayers. The ones I’m too afraid to say out loud, so I say them silently and hope they’re heard. I can’t wait to see him next so I can tell him just how much I love him.
“There’s something I want to do, but I’m scared to do it.” We all turn to B, who sips at her wine with pink darkening her cheeks. “I know I said I was going to be an anonymous artist, but what if I wasn’t?”
Janelle pulls B’s hand into hers and squeezes it. “If there is one thing I learned from Uncle Matt’s unexpected death, it’s to do it now. Life is far too short to hold yourself back from your dreams and your wants.”
Cassidy and I both scoot forward, Cass grabbing one of her hands as I rest my palm on her knee.
“Do it scared, babe, and we will be here with you every single step of the way. Everyone should know what an incredible artist you are. Be your full self, and we will be there holding up signs with your name plastered across them,” Cass says, and I nod my agreement.
Our night continues on a mellow and relaxing note, with a few moments spent in silence as the three of us focus on our best friend who’s hurting. No matter the tears, I know she will make it through this because we’ll walk with her every step of the way.