45. Jenna
Chapter forty-five
Jenna
It’s a scene I recognize, but one that I wasn’t here when it was shot.
The one he and I practiced together, one that he wouldn’t let me witness, and now I understand why.
Mara’s back is to me. Her platinum-blonde hair is dead straight, sitting just below her shoulder blades, and her head follows Cole’s movement as he paces the stage floor back and forth.
The same way he paced my apartment floor all those weeks ago.
Everyone is enamored by the performance he’s putting on, and I find myself subconsciously mouthing the words along with him, while playing the part of Mara’s character, too.
Because right now, in my head, I get to be in her shoes for this scene. I get to be the one he begs to love him. Only, he won’t have to beg me, because I already do, and I just need to figure out how to tell him.
He stops in his tracks, face to face with Mara, but his dark eyes are looking directly over her shoulder, and straight into mine.
My lip trembles.
“Do you love me?” he asks her, and I swear it feels like he’s asking me.
I mouth her response, but she doesn’t say the word. I bring my hand up to my lips to cover them, hoping like hell he didn’t see.
“I said, do you love me?” he asks again, and I see Mara’s head dip, but his eyes don’t follow her movements. They remain firmly on me.
So, I nod.
Of course I nod.
Because while he may not be asking me if I love him, I can’t find it in myself to lie about it anymore.
My gesture was slight, but enough for him to notice, and I watch as the corners of his mouth curve up.
“Cut!” Jude shouts, and chatter engulfs the room as though everybody here just hadn’t witnessed the performance of Cole’s life.
Swiping at my now-wet cheeks, I look at Tahnee to excuse myself, and brush past anyone in my way before I head out the exit door, gasping for air.
I can’t breathe.
It feels too final. I know I was willing to walk away and leave it all behind, but not without telling him how I feel.
Not without knowing how he feels.
I compose myself with a shake of my head, and walk toward my trailer when I hear the sound of heavy footfalls behind me. I already know who they belong to before I hear him call my name and tell me to turn around.
But I don’t.
I keep walking.
“ Please, ” he begs. He sounds broken, his voice cracking a little.
“Why, Cole? I need you to tell me why. This thing between us, it was always supposed to end. It was supposed to be temporary. You know that as well as I do,” I say with my back to him, because I know that If I see his face, I’ll break, and it’ll destroy me.
There would be no coming back from that.
I told myself when I walked into this barn that I would confess how I feel, but I can feel the self-sabotage happening, because I don’t deserve a chance at happiness.
“It doesn’t have to, Jenna.” I hear his footsteps close in on me, and feel the warmth of his body sweeping over mine, but we don’t touch. He maintains his distance. “Stop fighting this, Snow. What are you afraid of?” He has the nerve to ask, like he doesn’t already know the reason.
“I’m afraid of you, ” I blurt out, turning my body to face him. “I’m afraid of the way you make me feel. I’m afraid of giving you every single thing I have to give, only for you to not want it. For you to not like it.” My confession allows my tears to fall freely, and he takes a step closer to comfort me, but I make myself to take one backward.
“That’s not possible, Jenna.” He rubs his hands down his face in frustration. I’d be frustrated with me, too.
Hell, I am.
“Yes, it is. We both know it is. What if I agree to this, and we get back home and my schedule is too busy for you?” I ask him. “What if we’re only able to maintain this relationship right now because of the lack of distance between us?” He smirks at my question, but I ignore him and keep going on my tangent. “What if you start a new job, and you meet another Mara?” My lip trembles at the thought alone, and I hate myself for feeling so weak.
“Are you finished?” he asks, taking a step closer to me, and this time I let him, but I look down at the gravel beneath our feet instead of into his eyes.
“I can’t keep being second place to people I care about.” I sniffle, wiping tears and snot away from my face.
“I would give all of this up in a heartbeat, if it meant that I got to keep you, Snow. You will never be second to me. That much I know for sure.” He rests his knuckle under my chin and lifts it to force me to look at him, wiping my tears away with his thumb pads.
“I would never ask you to quit your job for me.” I shake my head, and he cups my cheeks.
“I know, and you would never have to, but I need you to know that you will always be my first choice. No matter what. No matter where. No matter who. I will always choose you. ”
“But—”
“No more buts, Snow. Just admit that you love me so we can go back inside and I can film the breakup scene I’ve been so eager to do since Jude called action for the first time.” He chuckles, placing a soft, yet desperate kiss on my lips, and I laugh against it. “Once this day is over, I promise to explain it all to you, but I need to get this shit done.” He threads our fingers together.
“I love you, Cole.”
“I know you do.” I feel his mouth curve into a smile against mine, and I swat at his chest.
“Say it back,” I lightly beg him before kissing his lips again.
“I love you too, Snow.”
Five words I never thought I’d hear from a man in my life, are now the only words I ever want to hear for the rest of it.