39. Chelsea
CHELSEA
Atapping sound interrupts my thoughts a second before a broad hand moves over my knee.
I stare at Sam’s amused gaze and make the connection that the tapping sound was actually my feet.
“Sorry,” I tell him with a nervous laugh. I’ve been nervous ever since I got here. My anxiety is on two fronts. First, because this is my second official doctor’s appointment with my gynecologist, and I'm terrified that he's going to tell me something is wrong.
I haven't been feeling too hot all morning, and I threw up everything we ate last night. It could be morning sickness, or maybe just indigestion, yet a dark voice tells me that something happened to my baby.
That I did something to it, and that's why I'm sick.
Of course, it's ridiculous. I've read enough pregnancy forums to know that my symptoms are far from abnormal. But common sense doesn't do much to dilute the anxiety. I probably won't feel relieved until the doctor himself tells me that everything is okay.
As an added layer to my nervousness, I'm attending the doctor's appointment with all three of my men.
My boyfriends. Jesus, James was right, it does sound silly to say that, but mostly because there's nothing boyish about any of them.
They're clearly grown men, and calling them anything with the word 'boy' in it just feels laughable.
My lovers.
That thought kills my amusement, poking at the other thing, the secret I'm still keeping from them.
When I told them to come to my doctor's appointment with me, it wasn't on a whim. I had thought it through on the car ride home, but then again, I was still riding the high of the visit with my brother, and what a success that was.
I was ecstatic that we had mended things, though I figure everything between us isn’t going to be perfect with just words.
James is still awkward about the whole thing, but he’s making an effort, and that’s what matters.
We even managed to crack a few jokes about it, which means that we'll find our way to normalcy again.
We have to because I don’t think I’m giving up on my brother or my men.
I love them.
I haven’t yet told them. I mean, I assume they probably know at this point, but saying the words is difficult for me.
Looking back, that was the beginning of the end for Eric and me.
He was never truly a love-struck boyfriend, but he was much nicer to me back in the day.
However, the more I did for him, the more I fell in love with him; the meaner he became until I couldn’t recognize him anymore.
And I couldn't recognize myself either.
I stuck around all those years because it wasn’t as easy for me to turn my feelings off as it was for him. It never has been. I love hard and long, and started to make excuses for him, even to my own detriment.
It's gross to think about how low I went for him.
And so I guess a part of me is worried that it will be the same thing with them.
Even though they couldn't be further from Eric if they tried, there's a part of me that still believes that it could happen again, that my brother was right the first time, and the second I become even a little inconvenient for them, they'll all dump me at once.
So maybe this doctor's visit is as much a test for them as it is for me.
It's one thing to agree to a polyamorous relationship in the privacy of our home, but it's a whole other thing to go out in public like this.
All three of them attending my doctor's appointment probably looks ridiculous on the outside, and I wouldn't blame them if they felt a little embarrassed or uncomfortable as a result.
Right now they don’t seem nervous or uncomfortable at all.
Ever since the doctor walked in and they introduced themselves as my boyfriends, they’ve been sharing amused looks and laughing at just how red my face gets.
The doctor got red-faced too, but he smiled mischievously, shook his head, and said, “Kids these days. "
He even winked at me when he shuffled to get out some of my scan results.
Now that he's gone, the men give me shit-eating grins.
"This was your idea," Jake murmurs, reminding me again.
“I know,” I say. "Doesn't make it any easier on me."
He chuckles and kisses me on the cheek. He’s very physically affectionate and has become even more so today.
"I mean, I didn't think you three would just blurt it out like that," I point out.
"You must not know us very well then,” Jake chimes in, and as I roll my eyes, he chuckles again.
The rest of the visit goes smoothly. The baby’s healthy, and the doctor tells us everything we should watch out for.
Sam keeps interrupting him to ask about the worst-case scenario, and Adam keeps answering the question before the doctor can.
Clearly, both of them have been perusing pregnancy books, which is strange because I didn’t think Adam would be this involved.
I didn't think he wanted kids. I always assumed that a part of him felt stuck in this situation, though he had come to accept it, but he wasn't enthusiastic.
Which is another thing that bothers me.
I guess it’s something we have to talk about later.
After the doctor's visit, we all went out for ice cream at the shop across the street. It’s awkward the way all eyes turn towards us the second we enter.
It’s probably mostly because the men are distractingly handsome, and they're all walking in at the same time.
I can practically see some women and men drooling over them.
And then their eyes flicker to me and back to them as though wondering about the nature of our relationship.
That’s the part that makes me anxious.
Especially since the men aren’t shy at all about it. Sam is pretty openly holding my hand. Adam nuzzles my hair now and then, and Jake, as he walks to the counter, announces pretty loudly, "Hey, what flavor do you want, babe?”
“Strawberry,” I croak out, a blush spreads across my cheeks. Sam goes to the counter to order as well, as Adam sits with me and holds my hand.
The stares feel more intense now.
I mean by this point everyone in this room probably assumes we’re all dating each other. Which is fine. I mean, it’s what I wanted, right? It’s what I proposed, but it’s a lot harder than it looks to accept this much attention.
“You wanna go home?” Adam asks, and his voice is teasing, but his eyes are soft and understanding. He doesn’t seem to give a shit that other people are staring at him. Neither do the others. He probably wouldn't be disappointed either if I told him it's too much for me right now.
But I would be disappointed in myself.
“No, I can do this.”
“You don’t have to prove anything to us, you know,” he says next. “We already know that you care about us. That much is enough.”
“Yeah, but…if this is going to work, I have to get over my fear of being seen and being judged.” My entire life, I’ve been ruled by my people-pleasing tendencies, the urge to be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect girlfriend.
Perfect stranger even. And that got me nothing but heartache.
The first time I was freed of that urge, when I truly threw caution in the wind and didn’t care what anyone else thought, was the first night with all three of them. That girl took what she wanted and didn't let anyone else's opinion sway her.
She was amazing. She was me.
I was her for that night. I want to see if I can be her full-time.
When I explain it to Adam, he smiles and brushes his hand over my cheek. “You are her. You've been her all along."
His gaze is softer than I've ever seen it, and I fall into his eyes, so tempted to kiss him.
To tell him how I feel about him.
I want to do it, but something still holds me back, still keeps me from breaking through my shell.
But eventually, I will. I'll keep working on it until I do, and I won't give myself a choice.
Footsteps announce Sam and Jake's return, with cups of ice cream for everyone except Adam.
"Here you go, babe," Jake says as he slides over my ice cream to me. "What did Adam say to make you smile like that? Because I'll say it even better."
"What, no ice cream for me?" Adam quips.
"Yeah, because I know how picky you are. Besides, since when were you into cold, sweet treats?"
"Since... well..." Adam smiles at me devilishly, and my mind immediately shoots back to the night in their home, with the ice cream.
God, that was hot. And messy and sultry and awkward at times.
But mostly hot as hell.
It also reminded me of our first night together.
"What are you thinking about, Chelsea?" Sam, of course, notices that my mind has gone somewhere else, and he points it out.
"Nothing, just remembering the first night we met.”
"Ah," Jake says. The single word is said with an audacious wink that leaves no question as to the nature of his thoughts.
"Pervert," I say.
“I resemble that remark." He closes his eyes, smiling as he licks his spoon.
"You know I've had a lot of wild nights in my day, but I don't think I've ever had anything happen to me like that before.
Don't think I've ever been as turned on as when I walked into that room and saw you there, and it was just like fireworks going off in my body.
But it was really your eyes for me. They were so pretty and your face so innocent, I couldn't believe that came out of your mouth. "
"I think it was when I kissed you," Adam continues, "And you just didn't let go. You looked all shy, but then you turned into a hell cat, and it was so damn irresistible."
"I saw you before all of that," Sam says. "Saw you the moment we walked into that party. Watched you the entire night and knew you just had to be mine.”
I bite my bottom lip, throat thick and my body heated.
I swallow as I stare at all of them.
"We should probably get home."
“What's wrong?" Jake teases. "Not enjoying your ice cream?"
I completely forgot about the sweet treat currently melting in its cup. I blush and swiftly plan payback.
Raising an eyebrow at him, I tell the other two, "You know what, guys? I think the three of us should go home and leave Jake behind, since he's enjoying his ice cream so much.”
"Sounds like a good idea," Adam says, getting up and holding his hand out for me, but before we can get far, Jake chomps down his entire ice cream in one go and jumps up.
I wince because that most likely froze his teeth, but he doesn't even appear to have felt it.
"Yes," he beams. "Let's go."
The car ride home is full of anticipation. It feels like that first night again, even though I've been with them countless more times since then. Maybe it's the realization of my feelings that does it, or the fact that I was with them in public for the first time, and nothing bad happened.
Maybe I'm finally starting to accept that I might actually be able to do this. Might be okay with all of them.
We can be very happy together.
That night, when we first rode with lust amidst suspense and imagination.
Now, I know how good it can be. I know exactly how good it feels to have someone's lips on my neck and a tongue wrapped around my nipples.
I know how it feels to have one of their cocks in my mouth while another devours my pussy.
And hopefully, with them, I can have that for the rest of my life.