16. Brandon
CHAPTER 16
It’s past midnight, and I’m thinking of Anya, it felt like I’d been plunged back into the moment we first met. All the emotions and desires from two years ago came flooding back.
And it doesn’t help that I now know she’s the mother of my daughter. Our daughter. I’m still dazed, and all of this still feels like a dream. I don’t think I want to wake up if it is.
I’m tired of tossing and turning in bed without being able to sleep. I stand up, slide my legs into my slippers, and pad to Alessa’s room. She prefers to sleep with her light off, so the only source of light is the moonlight streaming in through the open curtains.
Walking to her bed, I cover her with her pink Frozen blanket, which has a picture of Elsa on it. I smile at the thought of Alessa introducing her little sister to Disney movies and making her fall in love with Frozen too. It’ll definitely be a proud dad moment for me.
I’m already imagining Kira’s first sleepover, wearing matching pajamas with Alessa and holding each other to sleep. I’ll take a picture of my two little girls sleeping and look at it whenever the world is closing in on me.
Alessa stirs, but she doesn’t wake up. I kiss her cheeks and go downstairs for water.
I’m grabbing a glass from the cabinet when I hear footsteps behind me.
“You ok sweetheart?” my mother asks before I can turn around.
I twist my neck to meet her gaze. “I’m thirsty, you?”
She heaves a sigh and walks to the fridge. “I forgot to marinate the chicken for breakfast tomorrow.”
“Do you have to do that now?” I realize how rude that sounds and add, “Is it something I can help with?”
She huffs. “I don’t trust you to add the ingredients in the right amount. I’ll do it myself. Meanwhile, you can tell me how it went with Anya.”
The past few days have been a whirlwind, and I haven't had time to fully process everything that has happened. Anya has shown so much love and support for me and my daughter - she truly is a wonderful mother and an amazing person.
“Kira is mine. Anya got pregnant and had her after our night together.”
“Oh my God!” My mother’s eyes sparkle with excitement. I feel like she’s struggling not to scream. “I saw that child for the first time and knew she had to be my grandchild somehow.”
“Turns out you were right.” I take a long swig of my water.
My mom takes out a Ziploc bag with chicken thighs from the freezer. “What are you going to do now?”
My head hangs low for a moment as I ponder a thousand things I want to do. Without a doubt, I want to be a good dad to Kira, and Anya…I want to be a part of Anya’s life too. Not as co-parents or two people who live in the same small town. I want to make her mine.
“Seeing the look on your face, I’m guessing there’s something more going on between you and Anya. Are you in love with her?”
My mother's words hang in the air, but I can't find a response. Love seems like such a weighty term, and I'm not sure if that's how I feel. When I'm with Anya, everything else fades away and it feels like we're the only two people in the world. Her smile has a way of melting my heart, and when we kissed and made love, the connection between us was undeniable.
The attraction I feel to that woman is more than I can describe with just words. So even if I call it love, it still won’t be enough.
“I don’t think I can let her go,” I say, curling my fingers around the glass. “I like her. I’ve liked her since the first night I set eyes on her.”
My mother gives me a look that says she thinks I’m completely hopeless. “She’s your brother’s ex-girlfriend.”
“And she’s the mother of my child. I tried to hold back because of Spencer, but I don’t think I can do that anymore.” I won’t give up another chance at being with Anya. Daydreaming about her for two years was hard enough.
I expect my mother to disagree with me, but she just pours some spices over the chicken. “Then you better let your brother know about it. The sooner the better.”
I shudder just thinking about it. “I will.”
It’s five o’clock in the morning, I’m still wide awake. It’s surprising how, for the first time since I’ve been back, it’s something other than my nightmares making it hard for me to sleep. It’s thoughts of me, Anya, Kira and Alessa as one big family that are keeping me up.
Just a few months ago, I didn’t think a day would come when I would dare dream of anything other than the horror on that battlefield. But now I want more; I want to be a better person, a better father, and a better man.
I need to clear my thoughts, so I get dressed in sweatpants and a shirt. As I lace up my running shoes, I can hear the birds starting to chirp outside. The cool air nips at my cheeks as I step out onto the quiet street. The only light comes from the dim glow of the streetlamps, casting shadows across the pavement. The trees sway gently in the soft breeze, their leaves rustling like whispers in my ear.
I run for all of twenty minutes until I’m outside Anya’s house. I intend to stand here for a moment and just watch the door when I hear Kira’s cry.
It’s early and Anya will be shocked to see me, but I climb up the front porch and knock anyway. I need to know if everything is alright or if she needs my help. I watched Alessa grow, and I know better than anyone how hard it is to raise a child alone.
Kira’s cry dies down, but no one answers the door. I figure Anya wouldn’t just open up when she has no idea who is standing outside.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and send her a text. Hi, I’m outside your door. Brandon.
The message ticks read, then Anya starts to type. What are you doing outside this early?
Jogging. Can you please let me in?
A minute passes before the door creaks open. Anya comes outside, holding Kira in one arm. Anya’s hair is up in a messy bun, her face creased with exhaustion. The circles under her eyes are as dark as Kira’s hair—my hair. “Is everything okay?” She smiles at me.
I nod, dragging my attention to Kira. “I was out for a jog, then I heard her cry. Is she okay?”
“She has a fever, but she’ll be fine.” Anya covers her mouth with her free hand as she yawns. “It’s nothing for you to worry about.”
“I’m worried, for Kira and for you.”
She lifts a brow.
“You’re tired. Let me take care of her so you can catch enough sleep,” I offer. As much as I want to be fully part of their lives, I don’t want to push it and make Anya uncomfortable.
She thinks for a while, hesitating.
“I’ll be here to keep a close eye on her,” I assure them. “I looked after Alessa, so you can trust me to take good care of Kira.”
“It’s not that I doubt your ability to do it well, I just don’t want to inconvenience you,” Anya exhales heavily. “She requires constant attention.”
“You’re not a bother, Anya, and neither is Kira. I’m her father. You shouldn’t try to do everything yourself.”
“Actually, I’ve mainly been alone up until this point.” She cuts herself off before saying anything else. “I apologize, that was uncalled for. I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment.”
I nod in understanding, “No need to apologize.”
She gestures for me to enter and moves out of the doorway.
As soon as I’m inside, Kira reaches for me, spreading her arms for me to carry her. She hasn’t known me for long, but I feel as if she somehow knows I’m her father. It warms my heart and makes me feel even more driven to be the best dad for her.
I take Kira from Anya and she nestles comfortably in my arms, her small fingers grasping at my shirt. “You’re warm,” I say with a smile. “Do you like it when Dada holds you?”
She giggles. Her pronunciation isn’t good yet, but I understand it when she says, “Yes.”
“She likes it when she’s held close,” Anya explains, her voice soft like a lullaby. She’s staring at me and Kira like we’re the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. I recognize that look, because it was the same way I looked at her when I found out Kira was mine. “Thank you for this, for helping.”
“It’s no problem. I want to be here for both of you.” And as I hold my daughter close, feeling her steady breath against my chest, I know that this is where I belong. This is the family I want to protect.
Anya hands me a plastic teaspoon and a bottle of syrup. She suggests that I give it to her for the fever. Before she can offer, I cut her off. It's like being an enthusiastic teenager trying something new for the first time, except this isn't my first time. Raising Alessa has given me plenty of practice.
I take the spoon from Anya and move to sit on a kitchen chair. I place Kira on my leg, pinning her body against mine to stop her from struggling. “Say ahh.”
To my surprise, she doesn’t cry or try to fight me off. She opens her mouth wide, and I feed her the syrup.
She stops smiling the second the taste hits. She winces and looks at me, teary-eyed as if accusing me of betraying her. I chuckle. She’s the most gorgeous one-year-old ever.
I hold out the spoon to Anya, but I don’t take my eyes off Kira. “Do you like it?”
She shakes her head as if she is protesting.
My heart flutters. Now I feel terrible for betraying her trust like that. “I’m sorry, baby girl. Daddy loves you.”
She grins and says something I can’t yet interpret.
Anya watches us quietly, a mix of emotions flickering in her eyes. “You’re good with her. She’s never that calm after I give her medicine.”
“I learned from taking care of Alessa. Her mom abandoned her the second she was born.” I try to push back the bitter memories of Alessa’s mom. I don’t mind that she left me, but I’ll never forgive her for leaving Alessa. “It was a struggle, but we made it through somehow.”
Anya looks like she’s itching to ask a question about Alessa’s mom.
I sense she won’t ask, so I say, “Is there something you want to know?”
“It’s your private life, I don’t think I should pry even if I’m dying to.” She replaces the bottle of syrup in its box. “I’ll put this away.”
Kira’s eyes are still as bright as a torch when her mother returns.
“We should put her to sleep, see if she feels better in the next couple of hours,” Anya says.
I nod. “Let’s go put you to sleep, baby girl,” I say to Kira as I stand to my feet.
Anya leads me to the nursery, where everything is baby unicorns and pastel colors. She gives me a rundown of Kira’s routine, from her favorite lullaby to how she likes to be rocked to sleep. As I listen, I realize how much I’ve missed out on and how much catching up I have to do.
I spend the morning by Kira’s side, soothing her when she fusses and marveling at the tiny human Anya and I created.
As the first light of dawn filters through the curtains, Kira finally drifts off to sleep. She’s as beautiful as Anya when she sleeps. I’ve only known her for a few days, but this little one already has me wrapped around her finger, and I’ll do absolutely anything to protect her and give her the best life possible. Anything.