CHAPTER TEN
ROYCE
The next few days practically fly by, and thanks to our insane schedule, the dumbass moment of panic I had when Darrel showed up, goes by unaddressed and is swept under the proverbial rug along with so many other things I keep down there.
It isn’t until our last night on American soil that shit really hits the fan for the first time.
“You were fucking amazing out there. I can’t wait to download the pictures from tonight. I know I got some incredible shots of you.”
I’m starting to think that walking into my dressing room after a show to find Hudson here waiting for me is the best part of my night.
“Thanks. The energy out there was nuts. It’s a good thing we have a plane to catch. Judging by the crowd out there, we’re in for one hell of an after party. Ava’s gonna like having an easy out.” I peel off my shirt and throw it in the open duffle bag on the floor.
“Mm, I like this look.” His hands are gripping my hips, tugging me over to meet his.
“Yeah?” I nip at his bottom lip. We’ve spent every night in the same bed together since he got here, but we both made the decision to hold off on actually having sex. Moments like these I can’t fucking remember what for.
Then, the knock subsequent to the door being nearly broke down reminds me. We never have more than a few seconds of goddamn privacy.
“Why are you half naked again? Seriously. Start fucking already so I can stop finding you two acting like horny teenagers every time I turn around.” Ava throws me a shirt from the clothing rack. “Wear this one. Brings out your blue eyes and the chicks’ll go nuts over it. Be ready in three minutes. We gotta get this show on the road so we can get the hell on it.”
Then she’s gone again.
“You know, I’m almost getting used to that.” Hudson grins, his face still no more than an inch from mine. I like it here. For someone who’s always been very particular about his personal space, I don’t seem to have any objections to Hudson being in it. Ever. It’s comforting actually. Which is sort of terrifying, too.
“Yeah well, it’s really making me regret all of the times I busted in on Blaise and Ava in the last year.” It isn’t nearly as funny being on the receiving end of the cock block.
“Guess you better put on that shirt.” He nods toward the blue button up I still have in my hand.
“Guess so.”
I grumble a few choice words as I break away from him and get dressed again, still feeling the heat from his gaze as I do so.
“There. And I’ve got at least a minute to spare.” Or so I think. No sooner has my mouth found Hudson’s lips, than Ava comes bursting in again.
“What are you doing? Come on! ”
“Any chance you could learn to wait for someone to invite you in? I mean, what is the point of even knocking?”
She snorts. “To let you know that I’m coming in! And no, I can’t wait to be invited. I’d be out in the hall all night. What, I look stupid to you?” She grabs my arm and I stumble my way out of the room, Hudson right behind me. Then Ava stops abruptly. “Whoa, where’s the camera? Seriously, boys. I need some of that blood to start traveling above the neckline again.” She shakes her head, laughing at us. She has a point. Being this fucking horny is clearly affecting my ability to focus on things other than Hudson. There’s no denying the man is on my mind twenty-four fucking seven these days. Except, I don’t really think that sleeping with him is going to make a damn difference there.
We’re barely on the bus when some blonde with massive breasts has her arms draped over my neck and her tongue in my ear. “Hey, sexy. I was wondering when you were going to show up to the party.”
“Yo, Whorebag Barbie, back it up,” Ava intercepts. “This is a look but no touch zone. Got it?”
The blonde’s expression turns sour. “I’m sorry. Are you fucking them all now?”
Ava squints, and I’m sure she’s casting imaginary darts straight for Barbie’s fake breasts, popping them like water balloons. She told me once she likes to do that.
“How about you worry less about who I’m fucking and more about who won’t be fucking you. Now cover up that slice of pepperoni you call a nipple and act like a girl who has at least heard of the word ‘class’ before I have Darrel throw you out. ”
I do my best to avoid having to say anything at all and just stay glued to Ava. I let her maneuver our way through the crowd until I find a safe spot next to Blaise. None of the women ever go anywhere near him anymore. Well, at least not with their tongues. Ava’s made sure of that.
“Damn, you’re going to need a box of Q-tips and some rubbing alcohol after that encounter.” Blaise apparently viewed the mauling.
“No shit.” I rub my ear, wondering if you can get herpes on your ear drum. Probably not. I notice two younger, much shyer girls standing over to the side, nervously tittering and staring at the both of us. They seem safe enough. “You two want anything to drink?”
They both turn to each other rambling something along the lines of ‘Royce Lemmi...something something...us’ and then squeal loudly before shuffling toward us, taking the smallest steps humanly possible.
Blaise hands them both two sodas from the ice tub behind him. “So, this your first Finding Nolan concert?”
“Uh-huh.” Now that they’re closer, I realize they’re even younger than I thought. They can’t be more than eighteen. They better be at least that.
I cheers them both with my bottle of water. “So, what’d you think?”
“OMG, it was amazeballs. Totes terrific!”
I search Blaise’s face for some sort of translation, but his raised brows tell me he’s just as lost as I am.
“Then, you liked it? ”
They both burst into loud giggles. “Yes!” When they manage to calm themselves down again, they each retrieve their ticket stubs from their purses. “Would you sign these?”
“Absolutely.” I grab one of the fifty-thousand sharpies floating around here and write my name on the paper. Then, I reach behind the ice tub and pull out two t-shirts. “Here, you can get the whole band to sign these if you want.”
More squealing ensues and suddenly having one ear clogged up with Whorebag Barbie’s spit isn’t so bad anymore. By the time the girls calm down again, and Blaise and I sign their t-shirts, we have just enough time to personally escort them to Angel and Derek (the barracudas would never let them through without us) before Darrel clears the bus and we’re on the road heading for the airport.
The drive isn’t long but given that we’re about to spend six hours on a plane, it isn’t surprising most of the guys opt to stretch out in their bunks for as long as they can.
I’m intending to do the same thing, when I find Hudson sitting by himself in the back of the bus. He’s messing around on his laptop, scanning through the pictures he took tonight. Isn’t until I get closer that I realize the particular set he’s stuck on, is of the tongue and ear incident.
Hudson still has his back to me when he starts talking. “You know, of all the things I was expecting to see on this tour, somehow, I hadn’t prepared myself for this.”
I shrug. “Shit. I don’t even know how often this stuff happens and I’m still never prepared for it.”
He turns around. “Why didn’t you stop her? ”
My eyes travel toward the bunk Ava’s in, likely curled up to Blaise and much happier than I am at this very moment. “Because I knew Ava would.”
Hudson doesn’t seem satisfied. “But why did she have to?”
I frown. “Because it’s her fucking job.”
He stands up to meet me at eye level. “Really? That’s part of her job? Funny. I could have sworn it was your body. Your responsibility. But hey, I guess that explains why she’s busting in on us every time my tongue gets anywhere near you.”
Fuck. I suck at this shit, but even I can tell this isn’t going well. “I think we’re getting off track here. Yes, it’s my body, no, that’s not why Ava comes busting in on us. There’s like a list that goes on and on which would explain Ava and why she does what she does, but I don’t think you’re really interested in that part of the story right now.” I take a deep breath. “The reason I don’t stop the girls, the reason none of us do, is because it makes us look better when we don’t. Trust me, Ava never skips a beat. She doesn’t like us getting molested any more than we like it. Okay, to be fair, Angel likes it, but the rest of us only let it happen because it’s part of the fucking life. I can’t help it. It’s just what goes on at these parties. These women, they don’t see us as people. They just see us as, fuck, I don’t what they see us as, pieces of meat? Cocks they want to suck? Bodies they want to fuck? You name it, it probably applies.” By the time I’m done ranting, I feel like I argued my case pretty sufficiently. Except Hudson still looks pissed.
“You know what would probably keep women from molesting you? If you told them you like fucking men.”
And there it is. Well. We made it just over a week. Would have been nice to actually have sex, but whatever. I’ve gone several months without already. Maybe I’ll just give it up for good. What’s the fucking point to any of it anyway when it always leads to this goddamned moment?
“I can’t tell them that.” I’m not keeping eye contact anymore. My shoes are far easier to face than Hudson’s pained expression.
“Why not? I don’t get. You’re out to your friends. You made no secret of things in front of me that day at the shop. Where is this invisible line you can’t walk your secret homo-self past? Huh?”
Damn. Hudson has a mean streak. I had it coming, but still. That shit hurts worse than I would have liked it to. And in some sick sort of manic moment to avoid experiencing any more of the pain I know is sure to come if I follow through with the truth, I do the only thing I can think of.
“Ava won’t let me come out publicly.”
I lie.
HUDSON
“What?” I’m sure he didn’t just say that.
“Ava won’t let me come out to the public. She says it would hurt the band’s image. Part of what sells is the sex appeal. I come out, we lose some of that.” Royce still isn’t looking at me and I suddenly feel like the biggest asshole on earth. Here I’m accusing him of things he has zero control over. Things that probably make him miserable. I mean, who wouldn’t be? No one can be happy living a lie. And that’s what Ava is forcing him to do. Even if it is only to the outside world. In a way, that’s the harder lie to live with. The one that keeps you caged. When the world doesn’t know, you can’t step outside of your own four walls without the fear of your secret escaping you, breathing down your neck with every step you take, slowly strangling you, controlling you. I know that all too well. I saw what it did to Paul.
I let my hand find his chin, using my fingers to tilt it up so I can see those beautiful blue eyes of his again. “I’m sorry. Really. I’m a total ass. I had no idea.”
His shoulders bob listlessly. “It’s fine. Seriously. How could you know?”
I wrap my arms around his neck, drawing him in, holding him close. “It’s not fine. I should have known you wouldn’t choose this. I just can’t believe Ava would put business over your friendship.”
He doesn’t say anything, just reaches his arms around my waist and lets me hold him. And suddenly I realize that this is all I ever want to do. Hold him. Make him feel whole. Accepted. Loved. Whether he’ll ever fully be able to return those feelings or not.