CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
ROYCE
We leave the little café and head straight for the airport from here. While everyone else is enjoying the private jet to Australia, Ava booked the three of us some first-class tickets on a commercial airline. Any other time I would have been fine with that. Shit, if it wasn’t for the chaos that would ensue, I’d be perfectly content to fly coach. But today of all days, a little space from the outside world would have been welcome.
At Ava’s insistence, the three of us are seated in the first row where we have minimal through traffic and are less likely to be recognized. She’s also gone so far as to book the entire row, so at least there’s that dim light of hope to cling to.
“Can I sit with you?” She’s standing in the aisle staring down at the empty seat beside me.
“Yeah, of course.” I know I owe her an apology, I just don’t have a fucking clue where to begin. “Ava –“
She takes her seat and buckles her belt. “Don’t.”
I swallow hard, preparing to just jump straight into begging. Then, she takes my hand and squeezes. “We’re good. Really. Just tell me what we need to do to fix things with Hudson. Because I need you to be good, too.”
“That might not be as easy as you’d like it to be. I fucked up, Ava. ”
She grins. “No shit. I’m pretty sure we’re all aware of that at this point.”
“Thing is, I don’t think I can fix this.” I rest my head on the small airplane pillow and stare out the window.
“Because you’re not willing to be honest?”
I shake my head. “No. I’ll be honest. But it won’t be enough for him. I know it won’t. Why do you think I lied in the first place?”
“You’re right. And it shouldn’t be enough. He’s not Garret or Daniel or any other cute face you’ve casually hooked up with in the last few years.”
I wince. Way to fucking kick a guy when he’s already on fire. “Thanks, for that. Really, only a true friend would bring up all of my other failed relationships at a moment like this.”
She cocks her brow at me skeptically. “Really? Relationships? Those guys were barely more than some strung together one-night stands. You never expected any of those hook ups to turn into more than they were, and you know it.”
I jerk my head into an upright position to face her. “What are you talking about? I was ready for more! They were the ones who were just passing through on their way to the real deal.”
She laughs. “Oh, please. Any one of them would have been happy to have you be their ‘real deal’ but you never wanted that. If you had, do you really think it would have come so easy to keep them all hidden?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Think about it, Royce. This mess with Hudson could have happened with any one of them, if you had cared enough to make it. But you didn’t. It wasn’t like they were any happier about being kept in the shadows, you just didn’t give a shit if they cared or not. It was your way or the highway, and if they hit the road you blamed them for not being serious enough to stick it out. Except we both know that’s total bullshit. Who would want to be someone’s secret? No one, that’s who. It feels icky and dirty and wrong. Like the person you’re in love with is in some way ashamed of being with you. And before you start, I know he’s not the one you’re ashamed of. It’s yourself. But it doesn’t matter if I know that when Hudson clearly doesn’t.”
How does she fucking do that? “What’s with this big picture shit? Insight is supposed to be my thing.”
“Yeah, well. Sometimes it’s hard to see the whole picture when you’re sitting smack dab in the middle of it. It’s all good though. I know what I’m doing. I’ve been listening to you explain all this shit to people for years. Some of those skills were bound to rub off sooner or later.” She smirks.
“Okay then. What superpower are you passing on to me in exchange?”
“I’ve got a few. Which one do you want?”
Just one. “Your courage.”
She curls her arm around mine and lays her head on my shoulder. “You got it. Although you and I both know you don’t need it. You’re plenty brave all on your own.”
I lean down and gently rest my cheek on her head. “Not like you.”
She laughs. “I’m pretty sure the incidents you’re thinking about involved stupidity, not bravery. You’re welcome to some of that too, of course, and truth be told, they usually work out to be worth about the same.”
I close my eyes and smile. Not because I’m happy exactly, but because at least I’m not alone in all of this. And after existing the first half of my life in total exile, being a part of something is worth more to me than just about anything. Except maybe Hudson. Damn. I actually wound up here. A place where my friends aren’t enough. A place where I need both. Them. And him.
When we finally land, I’m a wired mess. No sleep and countless cups of coffee on top of complete emotional disarray make for a really detrimental combination. To keep things interesting, Hudson is the first person I see upon opening the door to our newest hotel suite.
“Hi.” It isn’t the most creative opening I could have come up with.
“You guys finally made it.” Neither is his response.
“Yeah.” Well, this is going splendidly.
“I hate to interrupt, but could you guys move it along, so Blaise and I can get out of the hallway? I’m fucking disgusting and I need a shower. Not to mention, I need a computer and a phoneline connected to Francis, ASAP.” Ava more or less pummels her way through the both of us. Hudson shoots her a dirty look, but I know she’s only doing it to override the horrible awkwardness that set in between us.
“S’up Hudson.” Blaise gives a courteous nod on his way past us.
“Yeah. Okay.” Apparently, he’s prepared to extend the cold shoulder to everyone associated with me.
“Listen. Do you think we could talk?” Not that I have a fucking clue as to what I will say just yet, but I need to do something, anything to start the ball moving between us. Even if I can’t see a way to give him what he wants, I also can’t see a way to let him go without a fight. Or ever .
“I think talking is a good idea.” He nods and starts walking toward one of the rooms in the back of the penthouse.
“This our room?” I ask as I drop my bag on the floor by the door.
“It’s my room.” Ouch.
“Sorry, yeah, of course. Obviously.” I hurry to pick up my bag and move to slide it back out into the living room before I close the door to give us some privacy. Or at the very least, the illusion of such.
“Listen, before you say anything, you’re not the only one who’s been getting an ear full around here. Angel gave me a pretty solid lecture on the flight over and to be perfectly honest, a lot of what he said made more sense than I would have liked. Thing is, I haven’t worked it all out for myself yet, so, no matter what you have to tell me, you should know, it’s not likely to fix anything. Not right now anyway.”
My mind starts racing. What the fuck did Angel say to him? Out of everyone, he’s probably the last fucking person I would have chosen to give my boyfriend relationship advice. What with him never actually having had one. He’s right up here with me when it comes to clueless.
“That’s fine. I totally understand. I screwed up; I don’t have any expectations.”
He raises his brow skeptically. “You seemed to have some expectations a minute ago when you dropped your bag in here assuming it was our room.”
I hang my head, embarrassed. “It was just out of habit. I didn’t really think...Can I just start over here? I was planning to grovel and beg and I’m off to a shit start. ”
The corner of his mouth curves up briefly. It isn’t much, but I’m willing to run with it.
“Hudson, I lied. About pretty much everything. Ava isn’t forcing me to keep up any fake appearances. She definitely didn’t set up the date with Francis and, not that I ever said this, but I know you did so I have to set the record straight, she sure as shit never hired you to fuck me.”
Hudson sinks down onto the bed. “What the fuck do you want me to say to that?”
I take two long strides across the room and kneel down in front of him. Being on my knees seems more than appropriate given the situation.
“I don’t want you to say anything. Just listen. I’m a piece of shit. Or at least I’ve been acting like one. I’ve done and said whatever I had to just to keep our relationship from going public. And I realize how that must seem, but I swear to you, it’s not you I don’t want the world to see. It’s me.” I take a moment to collect my thoughts. There’s no fucking point in holding back now. “Remember how I told you about my parents’ reaction to realizing I was gay? Well, that was really just a small part of what my first experience of coming out was like. The other part, the bigger part was how the rest of the world welcomed the news.
“I was getting bullied to the point of physical violence by the time I was eleven. And when other people weren’t doing it for me, I did it to myself. Slicing away at my arms and the tops of my thighs with the scissors from my mother’s sewing kit.
“By the time I started high school, I couldn’t stand the sight of myself. Literally. I covered the mirror in the hall to my room with a poster. I never turned on the lights in the bathroom, I kept my eyes glued to the ground anytime I passed by windows. But it wasn’t enough. There was no escaping myself.
“Then, when I was sixteen, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was done, and so I set a plan in motion to put an end to everything. The name calling. The beatings. The ridiculing. The humiliation. The hate. God, there was so much hate...and I was the source of most of it. I hated myself for not being able to be normal. For being this victim. For being useless and helpless all of the time.” My throat closes up, making it nearly impossible to say what I need to say. And I need to say it. I have to get it out. I owe him that much.
“I was going to kill myself.” And somehow saying those words to this man, knowing that I never would have known him had I succeeded, is the most painful part of it all. It’s no use trying to fight the tears. They’re already escaping. Small betrayals against myself, but rather than use them as one more piece of ammunition against me, I simply accept them. “I had a gun. I’d written a note. I was ready.” I suck in a sharp breath. “Then, Ava crossed my path. And, true to form, she bulldozed right through my plans and insisted I come over to her house to play with the band. She changed my entire life that day. She saved me. She placed me on the path that led me here. And not just my career. But to you.”
I take his hand in mine. He still hasn’t said a single word. But then, I asked him to do just that. Just listen.
“I never should have involved her in this mess, and if I never find a way to fix things between us, I need you to know that she wasn’t a part of any of it. So, you can hate me, but you can’t hate her. ”
“I don’t. I don’t hate either one of you.” Hudson bends down to meet me at eye level. “I meant what I said when I told you I loved you. That doesn’t change just because you screw up.” Then his kind gaze veers off ever so slightly and I know there’s a ‘but’ still coming.
“But it’s also not enough.” I drop back and land with my back against the dresser. Getting up and walking out probably would have been the better, more in the interest of self-perseverance choice, but I can’t. Not just because I have no fucking pride left to speak of, but because I’m not ready to give up. Not yet.
Hudson sits there quietly. “I don’t know if it’s enough. I want it to be...but honestly, I’m not sure I’m capable of giving you what you need anymore.”
I rub my eyes with the palms of my hands, tired, frustrated and now utterly confused. “What?”
The side of his face scrunches together the way it always does when he’s undecided about something. “I’m just...I’m fucking numb right now, Royce. Our fight didn’t just drag up a bunch of old shit for you. I’ve been fighting my own fucking demons all night. I even called my fucking mom. And I’m only telling you that because she’s comparable to Ava.” His finger shoots out at me, prepared to stop me from making a comment. Which I don’t. I get what he’s saying.
“Then, Angel lays all this shit on me on the plane. Mostly, I was still too pissed and busy with my own drama to really understand the impact of what he was saying, but then you show up here. You bare your fucking soul to me, and I get it. Fuck, I so get it. He was right.” Halfway through his speech, he stops looking at me and starts staring down at his hands in his lap. “He was fucking right,” he whispers.
I’m about to ask what Angel is so goddamn right about and whether or not it will end up helping me or killing me, when I lift my head just in time to see Hudson sliding down from the bed to crawl straight for me.
Then, he has both of his hands firmly placed on either side of my face, drawing me to him with force. His lips crush mine, and I surrender to him as the unexpected relief floods through me like a motherfucking tidal wave. I can feel more tears breaking free from the iron casket where I’ve kept my heart on lock down. Hot trails streak my face, but it’s nothing compared to the burn I feel spreading in my chest. It’s painful, terrifying and the most overwhelming sensation I’ve ever experienced. All it takes is one breath to ease the ache.
I need him. I need Hudson like I need to breathe. And that one small truth is equally simple as it is significant.
HUDSON
Royce’s tongue is doing that thing he does in my ear and nothing else matters anymore. There’s no coherent thought running through my brain other than: This. This is what I want. This is where I’m supposed to be. This is who I’m meant to be with. This.