Epilogue
“Time to wake up, Ems.”
I ignore the soft-spoken words and the fleeting brush of Ben’s lips against my cheek, opting instead to keep my eyes closed in the pursuit of a few more minutes of rest. Unfortunately, Ben is persistent.
“Breakfast is waiting on the deck,” he calls from across the room now, “and we don’t want to be late for this morning’s safari.”
Finally opening my eyes, I blink against the sunlight and take in the well-appointed room of our lodge.
Actually, well-appointed is an understatement.
We’re currently staying in an upscale eco-friendly resort in South Africa’s Kruger National Park.
One so fancy we even have our own temperature-controlled plunge pool on the deck, and just yesterday I watched a herd of elephants pass by in the distance while taking a late-afternoon swim.
Four-year-old Mona with her safari library book could have never imagined this for her future, that’s for sure.
I stir in bed, catching Ben’s attention. He stands over a desk, fidgeting with his camera. “There she is,” he says with a smile, and my heart flutters in response. God, I love this man.
“How was the sunrise shoot?” I ask, sitting up in bed but not ready to climb out and start the day yet. Unlike Ben, who has been up for hours now.
“Really good.” Setting his camera aside, he comes and sits on the bed with me.
“Jaylen got an unreal shot of a lion cub drinking from the waterhole. Suki is going to be obsessed when she sees it. You were right about him. He’s really developing his eye, and I think he’s definitely one to watch out for. ”
In the past eight months, Ben and I have had to navigate making our assignments work in a way we can be together, something that hasn’t always been easy.
A couple of things have helped though. For starters, Suki’s flexibility in allowing remote work (for all employees, not just the Internationals) has given me the ability to tag along with Ben on some of his assignments when I’m not on my own.
Another thing that has helped, and the current reason we’re here in South Africa, is Ben signing another contract with Around the Globe.
No, he still isn’t willing to join the company full-time, and that’s perfectly fine with me.
However, after our Iceland article was a huge success and sold more issues than any other edition in the past five years, Suki used her persuasive prowess to tap Ben for another type of assignment—mentoring Around the Globe’s youngest photographers.
So here we are halfway around the world on another joint assignment, only this time there are three other photographers here, too, and they’re getting a once-in-a-lifetime master class on wildlife photography from the Benjamin Carter.
This is only his second trip as a mentor, but already I can see the positive effect it’s having on Ben. In a lot of ways, I think it brings back memories of his own mentor, Dan, and being able to pass on his knowledge and skills has given him a purpose beyond photography.
“That’s really great,” I say, taking his hand and running my fingers over the map of veins along the back. “How lucky for Jaylen to get to learn from a world-renowned photographer.”
His green eyes spark with amusement. “I believe once upon a time you called me cocky for labeling myself world-renowned.”
“Ah yes, I did. However, that was before I knew I was going to be Mrs. World-Renowned.” I look down at my ring finger, and a diamond glitters back at me.
Ben surprised me with a proposal two months ago at my parents’ house, although looking back on it, I probably should have known something was up when he asked me to walk down to the lake on a cold March evening.
We haven’t set a date yet, with all the travel we’ve been doing it just hasn’t been feasible.
But when the time does come, I know exactly what I want.
I want to get married in Iceland, at Hótel Búeir so Joseph can attend.
We’ll keep it small and invite only my family and Jacklyn, probably a couple of the photographers Ben seems to be developing deeper friendships with, and our Iceland friends like Cassandra and Natalia and, fuck it, even Fridrik (though I do worry he might try to talk one of us out of going through with it).
“I guess that does make a difference,” Ben laughs, leaning over to kiss me.
The kiss lingers in a way that makes me want to forget about breakfast, forget about the morning’s safari, forget about everything other than pulling Ben in between the sheets with me.
But alas, I have a job to do. So I climb from the bed and pull a robe on over my pj’s, then make my way out to the deck with Ben at my heels.
Hot coffee and a basket of pastries waits on a table next to the plunge pool, and I take a seat as I again remind myself how lucky I am that this is my life.
“By the way, I don’t know if you’ve checked your phone yet this morning, but Marcus sent another string of messages about the camping trip next month.” Ben pours steaming coffee into a mug and slides it my way before pouring another mug for himself.
“Does he not understand we are on the opposite side of the world right now?”
“To be fair, we’re often on the opposite side of the world.”
Okay, Ben has a point there.
“And also, you wanted your brothers to include you so…”
Damn. Two for two. But while I wanted to be included, being added to their group text with my father—along with Ben, who has picked up their friendship as if a single day wasn’t missed—is something I could have done without.
Along with their monthly weekend camping trips when weather permits.
While Iceland gave me an appreciation for hiking and being in the great outdoors, I still prefer a fancy hotel to shower and sleep in.
It’s not all bad, though. Carrie is there to commiserate with, and there are s’mores.
I’ve invited Jacklyn along on these weekends, but she always declines.
I’m not sure if it’s because camping is literally the last thing she would ever want to do, or because she knows Mason will be there.
Every time I mention his name now she gets weird on me and changes the subject, and Ben has said the same thing happens if he mentions Jacklyn around Mason.
We haven’t figured out what exactly happened in that bedroom the night of the twins’ birthday party, but something clearly did and neither Jacklyn nor Mason will talk about it.
“I know. I know,” I relent. “I’m just not sure I wanted to be included in a way that involves me sleeping in a tent on a monthly basis.
” I add sugar and cream to my coffee and stir.
The truth is, I can see how hard my parents and brothers are working to make sure I feel like an equal part of the family.
Ever since my outburst at dinner, I get calls and texts whenever I return from a trip, and when we’re all together, no one talks over me or interrupts me when I’m speaking.
I do appreciate the effort, and I know I have my own work to do, too.
If I want things to be different with my family I have to be willing to open myself up to them, to share the details of my life with them in a way I haven’t in the past. This isn’t always easy when I’ve spent the majority of my life feeling inferior, but it’s something I’m actively working on in therapy, along with my anxiety.
Yep, turns out I also have an anxiety disorder. Who could have guessed?
I’d started going to therapy about six months ago after hearing Ben talk regularly about its benefits and the impact it’s had on his life, figuring what could it hurt.
My motivation was mostly that of wanting to learn how to best support Ben in our relationship when he’s gone through so much trauma in his childhood.
And we do talk about Ben and his past. And we do talk about my family.
But what I hadn’t expected to discover was that my feelings of never being good enough stem from a place of deep anxiety, and that manifests in a myriad of ways.
In my very first session, my therapist was quick to point out that people who say No worries are often the ones with the most worries, and yeah, that was an eye-opener.
Honestly, I’d always thought that everyone had the same unrelenting voice in their head that overanalyzed every single situation and fully dissected every possible scenario.
But as I learned, it’s not everyone. There are some people who go through life without ever worrying about things that haven’t happened yet.
There are some people who don’t need to see their gate at the airport three hours early to know it exists.
There are people who manage to leave their childhood fears in the past. I recognize that those are small examples, but they accumulate into something bigger, something that can define a life.
I also recognize that anxiety isn’t something that can magically be solved, it doesn’t get wrapped up in a neat little bow like at the end of a movie when everything works out.
Anxiety is ongoing. But at least now I can see it for what it is, and that acknowledgment does wonders for combating it and not allowing it to become too loud.
“You okay over there?” Ben asks, bringing me back to the moment.
I look down and realize I’m still absently stirring my coffee. After removing the spoon, I lift the mug to my lips and take a sip. “Yeah,” I answer after I swallow. “I’m good. Just thinking about how lucky we are to be here.”
Ben smiles and takes my hand across the table, his gaze falling to my engagement ring. “We are lucky, Ems. Incredibly lucky.”
There’s movement over his shoulder, and my gaze travels to the muddy, flat plain behind him where in the distance I spot the yellow and brown patches of a giraffe. “Babe, look!” I exclaim, pointing past him.
Ben turns in his chair, and we both watch silently as the giraffe makes its way closer, stopping at a clump of trees and grazing on the branches. Slowly but surely, more giraffes appear on the horizon, at least ten to fifteen.
“Holy shit!” I rise from my chair and make my way to the edge of the deck to get a better view. Ben’s right behind me, and he wraps his arms around me as we stare out at the majestic wildlife enjoying their breakfast.
We stay that way for as long as we can, until I know we’re about to risk being late to meet up with our guides.
“Ems,” Ben says gently.
“I know, I know,” I reply. “I need to go get dressed. I’m going, I swear.” But I stay exactly where I am, wrapped in Ben’s arms, for another minute or two.
Eventually, I feel the press of Ben’s lips on my neck, then a gentle bite. “Ems…”
With a sigh, I turn in his arms, rise onto my tiptoes, and kiss him slow and deep. My fingers sink into the back of his neck, and I press my hips against his.
“On second thought,” he says against my mouth, “we could probably be a little late.” His hand finds the tie of my robe and pulls it loose, the sides gaping open to reveal my skimpy camisole-and-short set underneath.
We make our way back toward the sliding glass door in a tangle of messy kisses and desperate touches. “Okay, but we have to be super quick,” I say, pausing at the threshold to our room. “The world awaits, after all.”
Ben smiles against my mouth, his arm around my waist holding me close. “Yeah, Ems. It certainly does.”