Chapter 17
DAMIAN
I woke up in the dark, staring at the black walls of my bedroom, heart pounding in my chest. Another nightmare. The dreams worsened since the day Luca claimed Alex.
In each dream, I lost Bastian.
That was my worst fear, the one thing I dreaded more than anything. He’d been distant and wouldn’t let me touch him. Our dynamic was off because of Alex.
We still saw her at school. But Luca kept her at his side like a dog. Sometimes, he put her on his knee and stroked her hair to piss us off. She thought he was being sweet and melted into his arms. Alex didn’t know he was only being nice to fuck with our heads.
To fuck with hers.
Drenched in sweat, I sat up and slid my legs off the side of the mattress. Running a hand through my black, damp hair, I brushed the longer strands off my forehead. My skin was hot and sticky, and for a moment, it still felt like I’d lost Bastian.
The dream was too real.
In my mind, I saw his blood on the cold, stone floor. His neck snapped, and his head turned to the side. I didn’t know where we were—maybe on Skull Island for The Devil’s Knights initiation.
Our dad said it would be the hardest two months of our lives. He said we would bleed and hurt and wish we were dead before we left the island.
I couldn’t lose Bastian.
And yet, I was.
He was pulling away.
I crept out of my bedroom in the middle of the night, desperate to see Bastian, needing to know he was okay. That he was still breathing.
Slipping inside his room, I closed the door and got in bed with him. Bash was curled up on his right side, cradling the pillow with his lips parted. In sleep, he looked peaceful. I watched his chest rise and fall, blowing out a relieved breath that he was alive.
He’s safe.
I rolled onto my side to face him and grabbed his hand, threading my fingers between his. The sudden movement caused him to rock into me, tightening his grip on my hand. A tiny smile turned up the corners of his mouth.
I brushed the messy brown hair off his forehead and kissed his skin. It had been a while since I’d felt this close to him. Bastian was the only person who understood me inside and out. We didn’t have any secrets.
Bash rested his head on my shoulder. “Can’t sleep, D?”
“No. I had another nightmare.”
He squeezed my fingers. “What was it this time?”
“You were dead,” I choked out, sickened by the memory of him lying lifeless on the ground and unable to help him. “I killed you by accident.”
“One day, you probably will,” he said in a sleepy tone, one eye open. “We have to get your urges under control.”
“I’ve been on my best behavior.” I leaned forward, our faces only inches apart, and stared at his lips. “But I have to do something for Dad this weekend.”
Bastian scowled. “I’m going with you. Just in case.”
He didn’t like what I became when I had to kill our family’s enemies. Hell, I didn’t like it either. I didn’t want to be wired this way.
It was a compulsion.
Some people with OCD compulsively checked the lock on their front door until it drove them insane.
I had to kill.
Thankfully, I didn’t feel the sudden need all the time. It came and went, but I turned into a different person when the switch flipped.
I was not myself.
I was a monster.
Bash turned onto his back, pulling his hand away from mine. “You’ve been better, I’ll give you that. But you haven’t been doing so hot since Luca took Alex away.”
“Neither have you,” I shot back. “We don’t even fuck around anymore. It’s like you’re sickened by me.”
“Never,” he said without hesitation. “You know damn well how I feel about you, Damian. So don’t say shit like that.”
“You’re pissed. So am I.”
Bash sat up and reached into his nightstand, removing a knife from the drawer. He handed it to me. “Do your worst. ”
For years, Bash had let me carve into his skin. He had tons of knife wounds that healed, though some didn’t look great. His skin pulled tighter in some places where I’d marred his perfect body.
I took the knife from his hand. “You’re in pain, too?”
He nodded. “Take it away, D. Just cut my fucking heart out. Because if you don’t, watching Luca with Alex will kill me.”
She was ours for most of the school year, and now that we’re down to the last few weeks, we would lose her again.
I got on top of Bash, pinning him to the mattress. Gliding the knife over his heart, I considered my first incision. He wanted me to cut out his heart, but I wouldn’t hurt him. Not the way I did my victims.
So I gripped the hilt and carved an X over his chest. I took it slow, allowing him to adapt to the pain. Bastian was letting me permanently mark his skin because he trusted me. He knew I would never hurt him.
Blood dripped down his chest, and I bent forward to taste him. My entire body trembled as the need took over. My hunger bloomed, and the familiar metallic scent filled the room.
My cock hardened as I tasted his blood, getting a hint of saltiness from his skin. I rubbed against his inner thigh to create some friction, desperate for a release. He was also hard and poked my stomach with his length.
I wanted to consume him.
Be one with him.
Even though I couldn’t control my urges, I only had to see his face or hear his voice to come back to reality.
“Damian.” I looked up as his eyes slammed shut, and he bit his bottom lip. “I hate feeling like this,” he said through clenched teeth. “I fucking hate him.”
“I know, B.” I dabbed at the blood sliding down his chest and licked it from my finger. “But Luca is our brother. He’s family. And our family needs us to forget about her. It’s the right thing to do.”
I was rarely the coherent one. Bash usually told me what we needed to do, rather than the other way around. But he was struggling with the loss of Alex. He was looking forward to there being an us someday.
So was I.
Disappointment crashed into my chest as I flattened my tongue over his skin again. Whenever I needed a release, Bash let me do this. I’d tasted his blood dozens of times and had never gotten enough of him.
His fingers slipped through my hair. “Damian, look at me.”
I lifted my head until our eyes met.
“I think I’m in love with her.”
My heart nearly stopped at his confession. He’d known her for months, but still… Bastian couldn’t love her.
Anger furrowed my brows, and I was thankful it was dark in his room so he couldn’t see my reaction. A part of me had always been jealous of what Bash had with Alex.
He wasn’t afraid to express his feelings toward her in public. They weren’t lurking in the shadows, hiding their dirty deeds from the world.
“What does love feel like?” I asked because I had no idea.
He ripped the hunting knife from my hand and dropped it onto the bed. “It feels like… the way I feel about you, but different.”
“How is it different?” I slid off him, annoyed. “Because she’s a woman, and that makes everything right in your head?”
“No,” he growled. “Fuck, Damian. What is your problem?” Bash leaned back against a stack of pillows, blood dripping from his wound and sliding down his stomach. “I don’t have different feelings for you because you’re a man. That doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does,” I challenged. “It matters. Public perception is important to you.”
“We have to protect our family,” he fired back. “If The Founders Society ever found out about us, they would never let our dad and brothers join. You know that. So fuck…” He tugged at the ends of his hair. “Stop giving me shit about it.”
“Sorry,” I blurted out, but I didn’t mean it.
“Luca will never love her.” He scrubbed a hand across his jaw and sighed. “And I hate that he gets to keep her.”
I moved beside him, shoving a pillow behind me to prop myself against the headboard. “What are you gonna do about it?”
He shrugged. “What can I do? After everything Dad has done for us, I can’t fuck up his chances of getting into The Founders Society. Alex is their only option.”
“We’ll always have each other. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know, D. Don’t worry.” His head snapped toward me. “I’m not leaving you either. But I need some time to decompress. Luca’s got my head all fucked up over her.”
“I can kill him,” I suggested as a solution to our problem.
He laughed, thinking I was kidding. Luca was my brother, but Bash was my everything. I would do anything for him. And I didn’t want to see him upset or hurt.
“I doubt Luca would be that easy to kill. That motherfucker is a demon straight out of Hell. Thanks for the offer, though.”
I lay back on a pillow, and Bash curled up beside me. He threw his arm over my stomach and breathed on my neck.
“I can’t give you everything you want,” he said. “Not now, anyway. But you and me? We’re forever. Nothing will ever change that. It’s always been us against the world.”